Chapter 4 #2
Adriel closed his eyes. And the silence swallowed him whole.
∞∞∞
3 years ago
The film had been on for forty minutes before either of them acknowledged they weren't watching it.
Adriel was aware of this in the peripheral, distracted way he was aware of most things that evening; the glass in his hand, the cushion at his back, the careful distance he was maintaining between his body and Zach's on the wide grey sofa.
Two weeks. They'd been doing this for two weeks, the texts and the coffees and the evenings that ended here, and Adriel still hadn't worked out the rules. What he was allowed to want. How much space he was permitted to take up.
He kept his arms loose at his sides. Kept his breathing even. Kept a careful six inches between his thigh and Zach's, because touching felt like something he should ask permission for, and he didn't know how to ask.
Zach was looking at him.
Adriel felt it before he turned his head, that particular quality of attention, warm and direct, that he had no framework for and no idea what to do with. It landed on his skin like sunlight. He glanced over. Zach sitting with his elbow propped on the back of the sofa, unhurried.
Adriel looked back at the television. The movie played on, muted colors and distant voices, something he'd already forgotten the plot of.
A beat passed. Then Zach reached over and tucked a strand of hair back from Adriel's forehead. His fingers barely grazed his skin, but Adriel felt it everywhere; a trail of warmth that lingered long after the touch was gone.
"You're pretty," Zach said quietly.
The laugh came out before Adriel could stop it; startled. He looked down at his glass, at the condensation beading on the sides, at anything that wasn't Zach's face.
Zach's fingers caught his chin. Tilted his face back up.
"Don't do that," he said.
Adriel went still.
His heart was going at a pace that felt unreasonable. Zach's fingers were warm against his jaw, holding him in place with a gentleness that somehow felt more immovable than force. His eyes were steady. Patient. Like he had nowhere else to be and nothing else to do.
Adriel had no idea what to do with that either.
He sat very still and breathed carefully and did not move, because moving felt like it might end something, and he didn't want it to end.
He didn't know yet what it was, only that it was warm and directed entirely at him, and he was so hungry for it that the hunger frightened him.
It sat low in his belly, a quiet ache, a wanting so deep it felt like homesickness.
Nobody looked at him like this. Not seriously. Men like Zach, easy in their skin, comfortable in their body, they looked through Adriel, or past him, or with the polite distant courtesy of someone being kind to a stranger. Not like this. Not like he was something worth the attention.
Like he was something.
Zach's thumb traced the line of his jaw. Once. Twice. A slow, deliberate mapping, like he was learning the shape of him by touch. His eyes dropped to Adriel's mouth, and something shifted in the air between them; a current, a charge, the quiet before a storm.
"I've been wanting to do this for weeks," Zach murmured, his voice lower now, rough at the edges. "Did you know that?"
Adriel shook his head. A tiny motion. He couldn't have spoken if he'd tried.
Zach leaned in.
The first brush of his lips was impossibly soft. A question more than a kiss, the barest pressure, like he was asking permission. Adriel's breath caught, a small, shattered sound that seemed to come from somewhere outside himself.
He didn't move. Didn't dare. His eyes fluttered closed and the world narrowed to this single point of contact; Zach's lips against his, warm and patient and wanting him.
Then Zach kissed him again. Slower this time, firmer, his hand sliding from Adriel's jaw to the back of his neck, fingers threading into his hair.
He pulled Adriel closer, and Adriel went, helpless and willing, his body finally allowed to do what it had been wanting since they met.
His hand found Zach's shoulder, then his chest, palm pressed flat against the warmth of him, feeling the steady thud of his heart.
Zach's mouth opened against his. His tongue traced the seam of Adriel's lips, and Adriel let him in, let him in and felt it everywhere; the slide of his tongue against his own, the taste of him, something warm and faintly sweet.
He made a sound, low in his throat, that he'd never heard himself make before.
Zach's hand tightened in his hair. His other hand found Adriel's waist, fingers curling into the soft fabric of his sweater, pulling him closer until the careful six inches between them was nothing, until Adriel could feel the heat of his body all down his side, until there was no space left for the voice in his head that whispered this isn't for you.
It was for him. Right now, it was for him.
Adriel kissed him back. Clumsy at first, uncertain, still learning the rhythm of it, the give and take. But Zach matched him, slowed for him, let him find his way. Patient. Like he had all the time in the world and nothing he'd rather be doing.
When they finally broke apart, Adriel was breathless. His lips were tingling, his heart was pounding, and his eyes, when they opened, were wet. He hadn't noticed the tears until they spilled over, two hot tracks down his cheeks.
Zach's thumb caught them. His forehead came to rest against Adriel's, their breath mingling in the small space between.
"Hey," Zach whispered. "You okay?"
Adriel nodded. Swallowed. Tried to find words and couldn't.
This is what it feels like, he thought. This is what it feels like to be wanted.
He hadn't yet learned what it would cost him.