11. Emzee
EMZEECHAPTER 11
I t was my first Vault Lunch with The Wives since I’d gotten back from the honeymoon.
I was eager to see my sisters-in-law and catch up, but also a little nervous.
I knew that having lunch with them would require some measure of playing pretend.
Everything had changed since our last ladies’ outing…
and at the same time, nothing had.
Because regardless of the devil’s bargain I’d made with the senior Malones to make the Bratva go away (which had to remain a secret from everyone ), I was still so in love with Ford that it hurt.
And I was pretty sure he was still in love with Claudia.
I’d never escape her shadow.
Day to day, I’d been able to keep up a front of not caring about the true state of my marriage—and ignoring the countdown to the divorce I’d agreed to—but I had my doubts that I’d succeed in such subterfuge around Tori and Brooklyn.
Those two were like bloodhounds.
They’d know something was up, something beyond the fact of the marriage being a joint deception by me and my husband.
Not only that, but the nice, new normal that Ford and I had established was something that I cherished.
Going to lunch with my sisters would pop the happy little bubble of normalcy we’d created.
Some selfish part of me wished I could just cancel on them and continue living in my fantasy version of reality.
But no.
That would only make things harder for me later.
May as well get my heart thrashed as often as possible.
Remind myself not to get too attached to the lie.
Luckily, with Tori’s due date so close, I knew the focus wouldn’t be on me for long.
“I still can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt!” I crowed after we’d ordered.
We were at Jiao, prepared to stuff ourselves silly with every variety of perfectly cooked Chinese dumpling, spicy kimchee, and crunchy, vinegary-sweet cucumber salad.
“I know,” Tori said, rubbing her stomach.
“Stefan is so excited, he’s barely slept.”
“How are you feeling?” I asked her.
“Besides excited-slash-nervous, I mean.”
She smiled.
“I feel great, actually. I’m ready. Ready to have this little girl in my arms and ready to be not-pregnant anymore. I can’t wait to meet her.”
“Awww,” Brooklyn and I cooed.
The feeling was mutual.
“And how was St. Barts?” Brooklyn asked, turning to me.
“I want all the details. Especially the sexy ones.”
Her baby bump was more noticeable now, and like Tori, she seemed to constantly, reflexively touch her stomach.
“It was love at first sight,” I sighed, the memories coming back full force.
“So pretty, and so relaxing—way less of a party vibe than our Bahamas trip. And the beaches are incredible . White sand, clear water, and we had the most amazing weather. Did you know they have wild iguanas just crawling around everywhere?”
“That is so cool,” Tori said.
“Did you take advantage of the touristy stuff? Snorkeling?”
“Yep,” I said.
“And we went windsurfing almost every day. And the food!”
“Maybe Luka and I should plan a trip there before the baby comes,” Brooklyn mused.
“I heard there are nude beaches. Did you two check any of those out?” She winked at me.
“Um, and our private villa was the best,” I said, anxious to change the subject.
“Here, I have tons of pictures saved on my phone. You can see for yourselves. Look at that infinity pool.”
As they oohed and ahhed, the waiter returned with our food.
Just as we started to dig in, Brooklyn’s phone buzzed in her purse.
“I’m so sorry, let me just check that real quick,” she said.
“I’ve been waiting to hear back from the caterers for Tor’s baby shower.”
Jumping on the opportunity to get their minds on something besides my personal life, I finished chewing a dreamy truffle and beef dumpling and said, “Speaking of, we should probably talk logistics for the party, yes?”
With that, the conversation completely moved away from me.
There was plenty to discuss—who was doing what, where it would be, who was invited.
It seemed almost as involved as planning a wedding.
We spent the rest of the lunch focusing on making a list of all the things we needed to do, dividing responsibilities between myself and Brooklyn, and picking a theme.
“Something cute,” Tori said.
“Colorful. And not just pink everywhere. Are there any more tofu and mushroom?”
I passed her the requested dumplings, took out my phone, and began browsing Pinterest for ideas.
“Winnie the Pooh?” I suggested.
Tori wrinkled her nose and shook her head.
“I feel like we should avoid anything involving ‘pooh’ for as long as we can.”
We all laughed.
“How about a woodland theme?” I suggested as I continued scrolling.
“With animals.”
“That’s cute,” Tori said.
“I like that direction.”
“I love that,” Brooklyn agreed.
“And I’ll bet one of the botanical gardens has a pretty tea room type space we can rent, with lots of plants and greenery. It will be adorable.”
“Oooh, look at these cute fox face cupcakes!” I said, showing them my screen.
“And these porcupine cheese logs.”
Brooklyn was writing everything down.
“I know exactly the right bakery to call,” she said.
“We can get the decorations on Etsy. Maybe lean into the Fantastic Mr. Fox vibes?”
“Yes!” Tori’s eyes were sparkling.
“Just don’t go too crazy—I’d love something small and intimate, maybe a dozen or so guests.”
“Not me,” Brooklyn said.
“When it’s my turn, I want the biggest, loudest, most Instagram-worthy baby shower ever. Piles of confetti and flowers and balloons. Hint, hint.”
I laughed.
“We can make that work. One baby shower at a time, though.”
She and Tori exchanged a look, and then smiled at me with a conspiratorial gleam in their eyes.
My stomach sank a little.
“What?”
“It’s just, well…” Tori looked at Brooklyn and then back at me.
“I’m pregnant. Brooklyn’s pregnant.”
“Yes, and?” I asked.
“I guess we’re just thinking…that you’ll be next,” Brooklyn said teasingly.
Everything seemed to freeze in that moment.
I’d done so well ignoring all the real feelings I had for Ford.
Allowing myself to settle into a simple routine with him, one that kept my heart safe, keeping in mind the impending divorce and the fact that our marriage could never become something more than a ruse.
And now this.
“Oh no,” I said, forcing a laugh.
“We’re both too focused on our careers right now to even think about getting pregnant.”
With horror, I realized I was parroting Ford’s parents, and I gulped down my jasmine tea to cover my frown.
“Still. It can happen when you least expect it,” Brooklyn said.
“Plus we’re way too young,” I said.
“I mean,” Tori said with a grin, “I’m younger than you are, Em.”
“Honestly, it’s just too soon for us,” I tried again.
“A baby is a lot to think about.”
I wasn’t prepared for this topic to be on the table.
Somehow, I managed to put on a happy face and redirect the conversation back to Tori’s baby shower, but inside I was secretly imagining what it would be like to have a baby with Ford.
Would it have his chin, and those deep dimples I loved?
My gray eyes and shyness?
I couldn’t help thinking about how cute it could be, a baby Ford/Emzee.
A Fordzee.
I’d never thought of myself as motherly—especially since I’d missed out on the whole mothering experience that most people got—but now that the idea was in my head, I could almost picture it.
It made my chest feel tight and my heart warm.
Because it wasn’t just a baby I wanted to share with Ford.
I wanted a whole life.
No matter how much I kept telling myself that I could make it through this next year without getting too attached, I hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to deny myself the things I really wanted.
Which was a real life, and a real marriage.
I wanted everything my sisters had.
I realized then that Tori and Brooklyn really did feel like my sisters.
Even though I couldn’t tell them absolutely everything that was going on with me.
God, I wished I could just let down my guard and be real with them.
Spill the whole truth about Ford, and the Bratva, and the horrible but necessary deal I’d made with Ford’s parents.
But if I told them about the Bratva’s threats, I’d be betraying my brothers, especially Stefan, to whom I’d promised secrecy.
This bargain I’d made with the Malones was my opportunity to save our family.
To protect my brothers, their wives, and their unborn babies.
It was what I wanted.
But I couldn’t deny the twinge in my heart at the thought of having a baby with Ford.
Or the desire to turn to my sisters and say, “Hell yes, I’m totally next. Ford and I are going to start trying right away.”
Instead, I had to lie to them.
I had to smile and lie and deflect.
It was becoming second nature.
Would there ever come a time when I didn’t have to lie to everyone I cared about?