Chapter 33 Robyn
ROBYN
Mac offered to pack up my room for me, but I wasn’t about to run away now. Not after everything.
Instead, I told him to wait for me in his SUV outside on the castle driveway. He’d already returned to the cottage while I was in the hospital, so he had no packing today, just chauffeuring.
The castle staff were grim and subdued as I passed them in the halls.
The very walls of Ardnoch seemed to have soaked in the gloom of everyone’s emotions.
There were few club members left, staff were still furloughed, yet there was security everywhere.
It felt like a prison, not a luxury escape for the rich and famous.
I was sad for Lachlan.
Even as I seethed with hurt, grief, and fury, I could still hate that he seemed to be losing everything.
My pulse increased as I approached my bedroom door, and his. Hurrying inside, I felt jumpy and nervous as I rushed around the room to get my things together before I inadvertently bumped into the estate owner.
“I’m sorry I put you in danger.”
I jolted with surprise at the voice, looking up with dread to find Lachlan standing just inside the room. His hands were in the pockets of his trousers, stance almost casual. But his expression was stern, and his bleak expression gave away his true feelings.
“Again,” he bit out.
I lowered my eyes, closed my suitcase, and zipped it. “You didn’t put me in danger.” Grabbing the handle, I dropped the case to the floor and let the wheels take over. Blood rushed in my ears as I strode toward him. “The psycho messing with your life put me in danger.”
I tried to pass him, but he reached out and took hold of the suitcase handle, his fingers brushing mine. His touch made me release it in instinct. Call it self-preservation.
“Let me.” He took my case.
We walked in silence down the hall and then the stairway where he lifted and carried my suitcase with ease, even though it was twice the size it’d been before I left for Scotland. Once we reached the first floor, I held out my hand. “I can take it from here.”
He wouldn’t let me.
The bastard wouldn’t go away.
My rage toward him built as I hurried to follow him outside to the SUV where Mac waited. Lachlan handed my case to the underbutler, Stephen, who put it in the trunk. I smiled my thanks, but I knew it didn’t reach my eyes.
Wanting away from the man who’d destroyed all my hopes, I intended to get in the back of the SUV without another word. I could feel his gaze on me, could sense his longing … because I knew him.
And I’d never been so disappointed in anyone in my life. Not even Mac or my mom or Regan.
I turned and saw the anguish in his eyes and hated him for it because it didn’t have to be this way.
And I knew his fears were so deep-seated that anything I said wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference to him …
but it would to me. I could walk away knowing I’d been honest. “I didn’t even like you,” I said harshly.
Lachlan flashed me a grin, but it was cold. Wounded.
“You were everything I thought I didn’t want or need, no matter how physically attracted to you I was. But I came to see something in you.”
A muscle in his jaw ticked as he glared at me.
“I saw how much you cared. About your family, about Mac, about Lucy and Eredine, and the people who work for you. I saw the weight of responsibility you carry on your shoulders, responsibility men like you don’t need to feel.”
“Men like me?”
“Men who can afford to pay others to shoulder that responsibility. But that’s not you. I came to admire you, and because of that, I took a risk on you. And I know it was my risk to take. You even warned me … I fell, anyway.”
His hands curled into fists at his sides.
“I’m in love with you,” I admitted, tears thick in my throat. “I love you. And yet somehow right now, I hate you too.”
Lachlan flinched.
“And even though you’ve disappointed me, hurt me … I know you can’t help it. I don’t want you to end up alone, Lachlan.” I shook my head. “I know it’s not me, but one day I hope you find the person you love enough to prioritize, to battle your demons for.”
At his winded expression, I turned and climbed into the waiting SUV.
Mac looked over his shoulder from the front passenger seat. “You okay?”
I shook my head.
Not now. Not yet.
My chest felt like it was too full of air, painful pressure making it hard to think. Taking a few meditative, calming breaths, I sank back in the seat as the engine started and closed my eyes.
I wished for numbness.
For now, feeling nothing sounded so much better than feeling everything.
LACHLAN
“And even though you’ve disappointed me, hurt me … I know you can’t help it. I don’t want you to end up alone, Lachlan. I know it’s not me, but one day I hope you find the person you love enough to prioritize, to battle your demons for.”
I watched the SUV drive away, a mounting panic knocking the breath right out of me.
If I couldn’t get past my fears for Robyn, then it was never going to happen.
Because I loved her.
I loved that woman more than I knew it was possible to love another human being.
So what’s worse? I wondered, agonized.
Throwing her away before we could build a life together?
Or risking the chance of building that life only to lose it?
Was a limited amount of time with the woman I loved better than no time at all?
I knew only one person who might have that answer.
ROBYN
Mac’s neat guest bedroom looked cozy and warm.
Soft, golden light blazed from the bedside lamps, my suitcase laid at the foot of the bed, and the robe I’d bought from a boutique in Inverness was draped across the bed.
While I’d been downstairs in his kitchen, hugging a mug of hot coffee between my hands, Mac was upstairs readying my room.
My camera gear had been set up near the window with care. He’d even lit a few nice-smelling candles that I’m sure Arrochar or someone must have bought him.
The consideration of it pierced the numbness I felt.
Mac’s arm slid along my shoulders, and he squeezed me against his side.
“You’re sure I’m not intruding?”
He kissed my temple. “Wee birdie, you could never intrude. I’m delighted to have you here.”
I looked up at him. “Are you happy to be home?”
“I am.”
Sensing his answer was sincere, I decided not to kick my own ass about the fact that we were splitting security resources by moving out of the castle. But I couldn’t stay there, across the hall from the man who rejected me when I was most vulnerable, when I needed him the most.
It was hard to reconcile my mind and my heart on this one.
My heart was broken. Whether I’d meant to or not, I’d subconsciously been weaving a fantasy future for me and Lachlan, building my hopes for it on the idea that he was it.
He was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Two people didn’t connect the way we had without knowing that it’s special, that it’s it.
Yet he wasn’t my future. I wasn’t it for him. And my brain kept telling me that I shouldn’t mourn a man who would abandon me like this, who would cut me out of his life. My brain was right. My heart was just having a hard time accepting that truth.