Chapter 15 Regan #3
A quick look in the TV room told me Regan wasn’t in there with the kids. The downstairs bathroom door was open, and she wasn’t in there either. As I stepped into the kitchen, I bumped into Robyn.
She held up the gift bag that had been lying on the floor.
Bemused, I took it and looked inside to see a book-shaped gift inside.
Robyn gave me that stony stare of hers. “Regan’s gift to you.”
I frowned. Why hadn’t she given it to me during the present opening?
“She’s sitting out in the backyard in the cold because she’d rather do that than sit in a room with you,” Robyn said bluntly. “Fix that, please.”
It was a command.
Ashamed of my behavior, I nodded like a scolded schoolboy and made my way to the French doors that led out into the back garden.
And there she was.
Her red hair gleamed gold in the autumn sunlight as she sat on one of Arrochar’s garden chairs, staring out into the woodland behind my sister’s house. I noted the protective way Regan sat with her knees drawn to her chest.
Sensing movement behind her, she glanced over her shoulder and tensed.
Only weeks ago she would have turned and given me her glamorous smile and those appealing dimples.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath and walked around her to sit down on her chair’s twin. “Hi.”
Regan drew her knees in even tighter. “Hey.” Her eyes dropped to the bag in my hand, and she stiffened.
“Robyn said this is from you to me.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s just silly …”
Wanting to put her out of her obvious misery, and also intrigued by what the gift could be, I took the object out of the bag. It was thick and soft. Unwrapping it revealed a dark leather journal with an inscription on it. “Loyal Au Mort.”
“I … um … I noticed you have all these loose papers and sticky notes lying around the office, and a lot of them seem to be your thoughts on the same project.” She gestured to the journal as I opened the soft leather binding to reveal the lined paper inside.
“It might be better for you to put all your ideas in one place so you don’t lose them. ”
It was incredibly considerate, and I felt even more of a shit than before.
“Lachlan told me this is the Adair Clan motto.”
“Loyal Au Mort.” I traced the words embossed on the front. “Faithful unto Death.”
“I like it. It speaks to who you guys are. But … I don’t know.” She shifted uncomfortably again. “It seems stupid now.”
Because she saw me differently now?
Why did that prick my pride more than I liked?
“It’s not stupid,” I replied gruffly, my pulse thundering in my ears. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”
When she wouldn’t meet my gaze, I knew I had to do major damage control, or I was going to mess up things between us for good.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a bastard to you. You don’t deserve that.”
Regan shrugged and gave me a wide smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “It’s fine.”
She was lying.
Hiding how I’d hurt her.
Not wanting to be vulnerable with me.
And who could bloody blame her?
“Last week, the man my wife cheated on me with suddenly approached me at work,” I shocked myself by blurting out.
Regan’s reaction was physical. Her knees fell away from her chest as if her strings had been cut. “What?”
“No one knows. About any of it. Not even Lachlan.”
Eyes wide, she shook her head. “Thane, I won’t tell anyone.”
I sat back in the chair, the cold air nipping at my cheeks.
And it all just spilled out, like I couldn’t contain it any longer.
“It was before Eilidh was born. I didn’t suspect a thing.
Nothing had changed between us. Not our family dynamic, not our relationship.
There had been a rough patch before it. Fran seemed discontent and I couldn’t work out why.
But soon enough, I thought something had clicked into place for her because she seemed happier than ever.
I just assumed she was finally growing into family life,” I grunted, remembering the brutal wound of discovering the truth.
“I wanted to surprise her at work for Valentine’s Day.
She had been working late a lot at school, and I thought she deserved a wee break.
So I packed a hamper with nibbles and champagne to take to her. Arro was babysitting Lewis.
“The school was near empty when I got there. Her door was open. No one was in the classroom. But I could hear muffled noises coming from within her supply cupboard.”
“Oh, Thane.” Regan dropped her head in sympathy.
I gave her an unhappy smirk. “Opened the door and found her colleague Sean McClintock fucking her up against the shelves.”
Regan squeezed her eyes closed as if she felt my pain. “I’m so sorry.”
“We had the prick and his wife over for goddamn dinner. He’d held my son in his arms. And it turned out for six months, they’d been cheating on us.”
Regan shook her head. “But you forgave her?”
Remembering the months of emotional wreckage Fran had wrought, I confessed quietly, “It wasn’t that easy.
McClintock took off. Didn’t want to lose his wife, so he left for a school in Moray.
I was still trying to figure out what I wanted, and Fran was desperately trying to convince me she loved me. ”
“Then why cheat on you?”
“She said it wasn’t about not loving me. It was the thrill. After we had Lewis, she’d felt old. Said she was worried she’d missed out since she’d only ever been with me.”
“What the hell?”
“I know.” Fran’s confession had hurt like hell.
True, she was a virgin when we met, and I had been with other girls before her, but few.
And never had I thought I’d missed out by settling down with Fran.
“But she said the idea of losing me woke her up. That she wanted only me. I was still deciding whether to give her another chance when she told me she was pregnant with Eilidh.”
“Thane?” Regan sat forward on the chair, reaching to grip my wrist as realization dawned on her. “No. I … see you in Eilidh. No way. She’s yours.”
“I know she’s mine.” My heart banged in my chest at the very idea of someone trying to take her from me.
Regan relaxed. “You did a test?”
“No.” I yanked my arm out from under hers. “I don’t need a bloody test. No test needs to tell me what I already know in my gut. Eilidh is my daughter.”
She seemed to process that, and whatever conclusion she drew made her expression soften to pure tenderness. The tightness in my chest eased, and I had the seductive thought that it might be fantastic to pull her into my arms and bury all my worries and frustration in her.
But I couldn’t.
Not this woman.
“I’m telling you this because McClintock approached, like I said. He was drunk, and Eilidh was the reason he’d come to me. I quickly shut him down, but it put me in a bear of a mood. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to take the brunt of it.”
Concerned, she sat forward, her elbows to knees. “Did he threaten to take action about this?”
“I’ve worried all week that’s where the conversation was heading, but I think I scared the shit out of him. Haven’t heard from him since.”
“Why now?”
“I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s not happening.”
At my dark tone, Regan gave me a grim nod. “Agreed. I’m glad you scared him off.”
Seeing her reaction, her genuine fondness for my family, made me feel even worse about my treatment of her. “Do you accept my apology, then?”
She cocked her head and her hair spilled down her shoulders, the copper glinting brilliantly in the low afternoon sun. In the shadows, her eyes often looked dark brown, but today their color was a warm, glossy chestnut with red and gold tones to match her hair.
They’d been dull only a short time ago. The light was back.
Thank God.
“I won’t put up with it again. I’m nobody’s punching bag, Thane.”
I winced slightly. “I know that. It won’t happen again. I’m ashamed it even did.”
Her expression softened and then turned quizzical. “Does that mean you weren’t treating me like that because of … the hands on my ass thing?”
Flushing, I rubbed the back of my neck. How did I explain this tactfully without hurting her feelings even further? Deciding she deserved my honesty instead of my avoidance, I leaned toward her. “That can’t happen between us, Regan. Ever.”
Her brow puckered. “You’re attracted to me too. I felt it. In more ways than one.”
At her mischievous comment, I threw her a quelling look.
She grinned wickedly and goddamn it, all my blood rushed south.
“Regan,” I warned. “I’m serious. There’s no point in denying that I think you’re beautiful.
I’d have to be half dead not to react to you pressed up against me.
” I quickly threw the memory out. “But I’m your boss, and you’re too young for me.
It could never be anything but sex between us, and that’s not happening. ”
I waited impatiently for her reaction. She studied me for what seemed like a very long time, and I worried about her being out in this bloody cold garden with no coat.
Finally, she threw a glance over her shoulder at the house, then turned to lean into me.
Her voice low, husky, heat in those gorgeous eyes, she asked, “Who said it had to be anything serious? We want each other, and we’re both adults.
Why can’t we just satisfy those urges without making a big deal out of it? ”
The blood was definitely rushing out of my brain because there was a part of me that wanted to give in, to say screw it, and crawl into her bed that night to bury my loneliness inside her.
Shaking my head at the selfish thought, I stood, putting distance between us.
I clutched the journal in my hand and gestured with it.
“Thank you again for the thoughtful gift, Regan. But I’m going to say this one more time: it can’t happen between us.
Now either we agree to put it behind us, or we’ll need to reassess your position as the children’s nanny. ”
“Thane.” She stood with a huff of anger and tried to reach for me. I pulled away from her and ignored her hurt expression. “I don’t get how you can be so great one minute and then so cold the next.”
“Probably because every time I’m myself with you, you cross the line,” I snapped.
She was pushing me to lose control. I wanted to, and I hated myself for it.
“I’m trying to be a good man. A good father.
I don’t need to make village gossip the truth and turn this into something sordid.
For the last time, I’m asking you to act professionally toward me from now on, to treat me as you treated the other fathers who employed you, unless, of course, you get off on harassing older, unavailable men. ”
I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth.
Regan jerked back as if I’d physically hit her, and I clenched the hand not holding her gift to stop myself from reaching for her.
“Message received loud and clear. I’m sorry if my behavior came across as harassment. It won’t happen again.” She strode away from me, her spine stiff, and disappeared inside.
Feeling a burn in my chest, I turned my back to the house to gather myself. Trying to be a good man, I’d said. To everyone but her, it would seem.
“Thane!”
Taking a deep breath, I turned to the house to see Mac standing at the French doors. “Regan isn’t feeling well, and Eilidh’s still asleep in the den, so I offered to take Regan home. Just wanted to say bye before I left.”
I tried not to react to the news that I’d chased her out of Arro’s house. “Right. Okay, then. Thanks, Mac. And thanks again for the whisky.”
“No problem. Hopefully see you before your birthday, but if I don’t, have a good one.”
“Thanks.” I waved my friend off and braced myself for returning indoors.
I couldn’t look at Robyn, but I could sense her watching me. Judging me, probably. Pondering the many ways she could unman me with her martial arts skills.
And I’d deserve it.
Lewis grew stonily quiet at the news Regan had gone home without them. Eilidh woke up as I put her into the back of the car, and the first person she asked for was Ree-Ree. She cried, reminding me how little she was, when I didn’t produce her nanny (and to be frank, her best friend) immediately.
My daughter thankfully fell back asleep as we made the short drive back to Caelmore. Lewis gave me one-word answers to my questions, so I stopped asking.
The silence gave my thoughts time to wander.
And it suddenly occurred to me I’d confessed Fran’s betrayal to Regan. She was the only person I’d trusted with it. Why? And then why insult her afterward?
I sighed heavily. I was a mess.
Maybe I wasn’t protecting myself from Regan by pushing her away. Maybe I was protecting her.
Sounds like a shitty excuse, a voice that sounded an awful lot like Regan’s said in my head.
As I pulled up to the house, an overwhelming sense of remorse and melancholy filled me at the sight of the lights on in her annex. I decided the fact that the woman had me so tied in knots was a sign that I should keep my distance.
Lewis got out of the car before I had even taken off my seat belt, and I watched my son stare toward the annex as he walked to our front door. I saw to Eilidh, lifting her from her seat. Her little arms circled MY neck, and she pressed her cheek to mine.
My chest expanded with emotion. “Come on, little love,” I whispered. “Time for bed.”
“Will Ree-Ree be there too?” she whispered sleepily.
I winced. “Regan’s already asleep, Eilidh-Bug. But I’ve got you.”
She snuggled deeper into me, apparently too tired to argue. Thank God.
Flicking one last look in the annex’s direction, I decided I’d have to fix things again with Regan. I could be civil and kind and friendly toward her without giving her hope of more.
And there was one surefire way to get the message across without treating her so undeservedly.