Chapter 17 Thane
THANE
Dimming the headlights before I swung into the driveway, I took a sobering breath. I parked and switched off the engine but made no move to get out.
If I’d thought Regan was giving me the cold shoulder before I announced I was going on a date, I was wrong. Her attitude had been downright temperate compared to the subzero chill directed at me these past two days.
She hadn’t eaten with us last night again, and it visibly upset Eilidh and Lewis. I could tell Regan felt awful but that she also needed to create boundaries, and I understood that too. I didn’t like it, but I got it.
However, the children were noticing the way she ignored me or clipped her answers anytime she couldn’t ignore me, and it was bugging the shit out of me.
When I’d departed for my date with Keelie tonight, I’d left the three of them watching a movie. The kids just thought I was spending time with Mac. I never told them when I dated. There had never been anyone I was serious enough about to justify bringing them into my children’s lives.
Eilidh and Lewis had said goodbye, and Regan didn’t even look at me. I’d stared at her for a second, the muscle in my jaw ticking with irritation at her petulant behavior. Obviously not wanting to create even worse friction in front of the children, I’d left her to it.
And then endured a terrible date.
I was distracted. Regan’s attitude was maddening, and I couldn’t stop stewing over it.
I barely listened to a word Keelie said over dinner, but thankfully, the woman was so self-involved, she didn’t even notice I’d barely spoken.
In fact, when I walked her to her car, she said almost dreamily, “Wow, you’re such a good listener, Thane. I hope we do this again.”
I’d given her a polite smile and a nod, opened her car door for her, and watched to make sure she was safely on her way home before I walked to my car. And I had the entire drive from Inverness to mull over the situation. So the date hadn’t gone well. It had still served its purpose.
But now I dreaded going into the house to relieve Regan of babysitting duties. I dreaded her coldness.
I missed her smile.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I pinched the bridge of my nose, rid myself of feelings I couldn’t afford to feel, and shoved out of the car. Inside the house, I found the entire space dimly illuminated by the kitchen under-cabinet lighting. It was past midnight, so Eils and Lewis would be abed.
The TV was a murmur in the large room, flickering light over Regan. She was asleep on the sectional with a throw over her. I approached quietly, my hands in my pockets. It didn’t seem that long ago I’d found her like this on my couch when she’d just arrived in Scotland.
But it had been weeks.
Weeks for her to crawl under my skin.
I’d give anything for the freedom to reach out and stroke her cheek, brush my thumb over that lush lower lip of hers.
A hot, dark need built within me.
And then, as if she sensed me watching her, Regan stirred, and I retreated.
She blinked rapidly until those beautiful brown eyes focused on me. The adorable sleepiness iced over and regret replaced my desire.
“Oh, you’re back.” She sat up, pushing the throw off to stretch.
My gaze dropped to her breasts as her top tightened over them, and I glanced away. “Yeah. Eils and Lew okay?”
“Fine. Asleep. Night.” She stood and brushed past me without another word.
Irritated, I turned to watch as she grabbed her keys and phone off the kitchen counter and disappeared down the corridor toward the side exit.
That was it?
Fuck that.
I hurried to catch up with her. “Wait,” I whispered loudly, just as she was about to disappear out the door.
Regan halted but didn’t look back at me. “What?”
My hands clenched and unclenched at my sides. Still speaking low so I didn’t wake the children, I bit out, “Is this how it’s going to be from now on?”
Finally, she looked at me. “What do you mean?”
“This”—I gestured between us—“our friendship. It’s just over, then?”
She raised an annoyingly perfect eyebrow and gave me an even more irritating, pitying smile. “I’m just following orders, boss. You asked me to treat you how I treat the other fathers I’ve worked for. And despite your insinuation that I’m an immoral tramp who tries to fuck unavailable older men—”
I flinched.
“I have always been professional. And this”—she gestured between us—“is how I treated the other fathers I worked for. Believe it or not, a couple of them tried to fuck me, and I politely declined before politely handing in my resignation.”
The anger toward myself shifted to the bastards who’d done that to her.
“So, you’re not the first dad to grab my ass and get a hard-on over me.”
Her words whipped me like a lash, eliciting many emotions, and none of them good.
She gave me a bitter smirk. “You’re just the first I was attracted to because I thought you were one of the good ones. My mistake to confuse a good father with a good guy. So you can stop worrying if I’m going to ‘harass’ you again. I’m over it.”
Fury building, I drew in a breath. Still, my words came out in a rasp, “You said you accepted my apology.”
“I did, didn’t I?” She considered this and then her eyes narrowed. “How was your date?”
At her pointed question, I huffed. “You’re jealous I went on a date with Keelie?”
Regan gave me a big smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
“Why would I be jealous? I feel sorry for her. You used her to drive a point home to me, didn’t you?
You hurt me, and you maybe even hurt her without caring beyond the fact that it made your point.
So as far as I’m concerned, that canceled out your last apology. ”
“Regan …” I didn’t know what to say. She was right. And this was a mess. “Maybe … maybe it’s best I look for another nanny.”
She flinched like I’d hit her, and I almost reached for her.
“You’d take Eilidh and Lewis away from me?”
Something twisted in my gut. “Regan.”
“Right.” She exhaled shakily. “Right. Yeah, you should do what is right for you guys. I’ll, um …” I saw her lower lip tremble, and she couldn’t meet my gaze. “I’d appreciate it if you’d give me plenty of notice, though.” Then she hurried out the door before I could answer.
“Fuck.” I marched to the exit but all I saw was the annex door closing behind her.
Shutting the side entrance, I turned the lock and leaned my forehead against the cool wood. She tried to hide I’d made her cry.
I kept hurting her, and I didn’t know how to stop. Other than to find a new nanny.
It would devastate Eilidh and Lewis.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I hit the door but not as hard or as loud as I wanted to.
Robyn wouldn’t thank me for it either. Consequently, neither would Lachlan.
And I would no longer have the mornings to look forward to. When I’d wake up, knowing she was downstairs in my kitchen, putting the coffee on for me.
Her smile a better start to the day than anything else could ever be.
“Thane, you’re fucked, man,” I whispered as I finally headed to bed.
REGAN
I laid in bed the next morning, trying not to think about the fact that Thane had most likely already posted an ad for a new nanny housekeeper. I’d failed. Again.
I’d spent all night thinking about things, and my conclusion: I was mad at my boss for not wanting to be in a romantic relationship with me.
When I said it to myself like that, I sounded like a crazy person.
I was mad at my boss for not returning my feelings.
Yup. Wasn’t sounding any saner.
I was going to have to swallow my pride, wasn’t I?
The alarm clock read six in the morning.
Thane and the kids slept in a little later on Saturdays.
But I needed to talk to him. I needed to fix things before it was too late.
Because if I applied for the ancestry visa—and I had been leaning more and more toward doing so—I’d need a job.
And this was a great job when I wasn’t acting like a wounded ex-girlfriend.
Ugh. I threw off my bedcovers, mortified by my behavior. Had Thane given me mixed signals? Yes, he had. Had he said some extremely not-nice things to me? Yes. And had he hurt me? Also yes. But were we in a relationship when he did all those things? Had he made me any promises?
No!
No, he had not.
And I think that was what Robyn had been trying to remind me without wounding my feelings.
Shit.
When was I going to grow up?
“Now.” I stood, nervous but determined. “You start now.”
Hurrying into a pair of jeans and a tee, I quickly brushed my teeth and scraped my hair back into a ponytail. I wore no makeup but who cared? I was no longer trying to make Thane see me as desirable.
Letting myself into the house, I switched on the coffee machine out of habit and then quietly made my way upstairs.
The butterflies in my belly raged to life as I stopped outside Thane’s bedroom.
Of course, I’d been in his room to clean, and the master suite had the best views in the house.
To my surprise, it was a very masculine space, making me wonder if he’d changed the décor after Fran died.
I had noted the picture of them on his nightstand. Something that humbled me now that I knew about her betrayal.
The reminder that he’d confessed something so personal to only me (not even to his siblings!) confused me again. Why would he confide in me if I weren’t more than the nanny?
Down that road, danger lies.
Drawing in my breath, I knocked on his bedroom door. “Thane,” I said as loudly as I dared.
I heard movement almost right away and then the door swung open and there he was, sleep rumpled in his pajamas. He stared warily at me. “Regan?”
“Downstairs.” I nodded toward the stairwell. “Please.”
He nodded and followed me downstairs.
Once in the kitchen, I settled on the opposite side of the island from him to give us space.
“What is it?” he asked, his brow furrowed, his beautiful eyes filled with concern. “Has something happened?”
“No. I just … I’m sorry for how early it is, but I couldn’t sleep and I just …” I took a breath to control my nerves. “I wanted to apologize for my behavior.” My cheeks burned with embarrassment and shame. “I haven’t been acting like myself, and I’ve treated you unfairly.”
Thane frowned. “You’re not at fault here, Regan. I sent out the wrong signals. I’m sorry.”
Ignoring the sting of his rejection, I shook my head.
“No. I should have gotten over it when you asked me to, and I just kept dragging it out. You’re a grown man, and you can date whoever the hell you like and …
I don’t want to lose this job.” I tried to smile through my fears, tried to do the easy-breezy Regan thing, but tears brightened my eyes as I thought about Eilidh and Lewis.
“I adore those kids.” I gestured upstairs, my tears spilling over to my everlasting mortification.
“This is a great job, and I love being near my sister and—”
“Hey, hey, hey.” Thane interrupted me softly, holding his hands up and taking a step toward me.
Then he stopped himself, looking a little helpless.
“Please don’t cry. We’ll figure this out, okay?
You can keep the job. We’ll figure it out.
I don’t want to lose you either. It would devastate the kids. ”
I swiped at my cheeks, irritated by my emotional display. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry. I’m not a crier or someone who uses tears to get their own way. That’s not—”
“Regan.”
At his authoritative tone, I stopped talking.
He pressed his lips together in a kind smile. “Maybe, from now on, we just go forward assuming the other only has the best of intentions. How does that sound?”
Relaxing somewhat, I nodded. “That sounds good.”
“Good. So are we starting over, then?”
“I’d like that very much.”
Thane released a heavy sigh of relief and grinned. He was so sexy I could cry again. I stubbornly ignored the butterflies in my belly.
“Good. That’s great. So … will you join us at Dunrobin Castle today?”
Stunned, I didn’t know what to say. When he suggested starting over, I thought we’d set boundaries, not return to how we were before the hands-on-ass drama.
Dunrobin Castle was the one Lewis had mentioned earlier in the week.
It was in a place called Golspie, on the North Coast, about thirty minutes north of Ardnoch.
The kids had never been to it before despite its proximity.
“I don’t want to intrude.”
“Well, the kids have been pestering me all week to invite you. I didn’t because of how things were between us, but not because I didn’t want you there. Eilidh and Lewis enjoy having you around, and I just want my children happy.”
Why, oh why did he have to be such a wonderful dad?
“But no pressure.” He hurried to say. “If you need boundaries, we can do that.”
And let him think I was so crazy about him, I couldn’t be around him?
I still had some pride, for God’s sake.
“No, it’s fine.” I shrugged, like it was no big deal. “I’ll come hang out with you guys.”
Regan Penhaligon, you are such a masochist.