Chapter 18 Regan #3
For some stupid reason, tears pricked my eyes. “My bestest buds in the entire world—you and Lewis. Promise. No one is replacing your spot as my besties.”
Eilidh side-eyed her brother. “I’m your bestest best friend. Lew is your best friend.” She looked back at me now that she’d asserted herself at the top of my priority list. “Daddy is your other best friend. So that man can only be a friend friend. Okay?”
Lewis scowled ferociously out the window.
Oh, boy.
I really shouldn’t let Eilidh think she had authority over my friendships, but that knot in my stomach tightened at her mention of Thane. The children were starting to see us as a unit. And if the last few minutes were anything to go by, they were territorial about that unit.
Which meant they were too young to understand the imaginary lines drawn in the sand between “nanny” and “family.” It didn’t help if the two adults kept blurring those lines.
I shouldn’t have come today.
That is it, I decided as Thane started the car. No more spending weekend day trips with them. It wasn’t fair to the children in the end.
Eilidh had a short attention span and started talking about how hungry she was again. Considering it was past lunchtime and they’d only had a scone and cake, Thane promised we’d stop in at Morag’s to see if she had any sandwiches left.
Morag, the bubbly, pink-haired owner, was delighted to see the Adair kids. She brought them behind her chilled counter to help her make their sandwiches. Thane and I stood in a weirdly tense silence, watching.
Then I asked just loud enough for him to hear me, “Have you heard any more from that McClintock guy?”
“No,” Thane replied just as quietly. “I think my message got through.”
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to mess with Thane Adair while he was in scary, protective Dad mode. “Good.”
A few seconds passed. “Jared McCulloch. Really?”
At his sneering tone, I stiffened. “What does that mean?”
“It means”—he turned to me, his eyes glinting with hard irritation—“I already warned you he’s slept with every woman from here to Inverness.”
“I’m not looking for marriage, Thane. I just gave the guy my number.”
A growling sound rumbled from the back of his throat. “You’re better than that.”
My spine straightened. “Better than what?”
“Casual sex with a most likely disease-ridden farmer.”
I gaped at him. He sounded like a pretentious, elitist prick. “You don’t think he’s good enough?”
“No, he’s not,” he hissed, leaning too close. “And not because he’s a farmer but because he’s a silly wee fuck boy.” His eyes darkened to smoke. “Definitely not the man you said you wanted.”
Was he jealous?
After the angst we’d just been through and promised to get over, he was dragging us back into it. Robyn was right. I so wanted to junk-punch him. Shaking my head in disbelief, I walked away before I said something I’d regret. “I’ll wait in the car.”
THANE
Watching Eilidh fall asleep in her bed, I stood and finally allowed myself to think about what the hell I was doing. As I walked quietly from her room toward Lewis’s, I berated myself for how the afternoon had turned out.
After my discussion with Regan this morning, I was the one who had thrown out the mixed signals again.
But every time I thought I had a handle on my attraction, some little thing pushed me over the edge.
The way she was with Eilidh and Lewis, always taking care of them, consciously and subconsciously, proving they were constantly on her mind.
What father wouldn’t appreciate that in a woman?
Her thoughtfulness at the falconry display, realizing I was looking forward to sharing that with Lewis.
And teaching Eilidh to be considerate, teaching her that some things would not be about her so that she realized as she got older, if she loved her family, she’d be content with putting them first when needed.
And Regan’s sense of humor and how Eilidh had only gotten wittier since Regan had come along. Learning from her in ways I didn’t mind at all.
The way Lewis was opening up from that serious, shy boy he’d been before her arrival. How much happier he seemed.
Then there were the things I noticed as a man.
The way Regan and I looked at each other and seemed to know exactly what the other was thinking.
The way her body was aware of mine, how her back slightly arched whenever I got too close, causing her breasts to push up, her arse to push out.
She didn’t even realize she was doing it, the movement was so subtle.
But I was aware. Aware of the way her eyes dropped to my mouth as often as mine lowered to hers.
I wanted her.
Even knowing how wrong it was, how complicated, how it would be construed by everyone else as something sordid and indecent, I wanted Regan Penhaligon, and I didn’t know how to make it stop without pushing her out of our lives completely.
And I’d been seething with jealousy ever since Eilidh let it out of the bag that Regan had given her number to Jared McCulloch.
Peeking into Lewis’s room, I was surprised to see my son’s light out. Lew was asleep. Usually, he waited for me to come and say good night.
That meant returning downstairs already.
To where Regan had insisted on cleaning up the kitchen after a night of showing me and the kids how to make homemade pizza to end our day of “celebrations.” It was so good, and the kids loved it so much, I was considering getting an outside pizza oven.
Of course, it would have been an even better night if Regan wasn’t so pissed off she couldn’t even talk to me. I knew Lewis had noticed because he’d grown quieter as the night wore on.
Damn it.
Reaching in to close my son’s door, Lewis’s voice stopped me.
“Dad.”
“Hey, bud, thought you were sleeping.” I crept into the room.
In the light spill from the hallway, I watched my son turn to look at me—and he was glowering.
Uh-oh.
“What is it, Lew?”
“Ree-Ree seems mad at you.”
I tensed. “We’re fine, buddy.”
“You were mad at her, and now she’s mad at you.”
Christ, my seven-year-old was too perceptive. “No, we’re good, Lew.”
My son glared harder. “She’s going to go away. And it’s your fault.” His voice broke as he buried his head in his pillow.
Oh, fucking hell. Rounding the bed, I sat down and placed a hand on Lewis’s shoulder. My son pushed his face deeper into the pillow.
“Lew, Regan and I are friends. She’s not going away. Not just yet. But you know, wee man, that she’s your nanny. She’s not part of the family,” I reminded him gently, even as each word caused an ache in my chest. “You have to be prepared for that.”
Lewis took a shuddering breath and turned to look at me. My heart broke at the sadness in my son’s eyes. “Why do people always have to leave?”
No, I was wrong. Now my heart fucking broke. I’d never wanted my children to have the childhood I had. To lose their mother.
Determined that when Fran died, I wouldn’t crumble like my own father had, I’d poured every ounce of my soul into fatherhood.
I thought I was doing not too bad a job, but the ordeal with Lucy, perhaps my handling of it, seemed to remind Lewis of loss.
Not for him—Lew had never really taken to Lucy (I should have seen that as a warning sign)—but for his wee sister who’d thought the actress hung the moon and the sun.
I was only grateful that my daughter was resilient and had been quick to transfer her affection to Regan.
“I don’t want you to think that,” I whispered, lying down beside Lewis to tuck him into my arms. He burrowed into me, and I held him tighter.
“Not everyone leaves, Lew. I’m not going anywhere.
Neither is Uncle Lachlan or Aunt Arrochar, or Aunt Robyn and Uncle Mac.
” I didn’t mention Brodan or Arran. They’d grown too unpredictable for me to make any promises on their behalf. The reminder agitated me.
“What about Ree-Ree? She’s Aunt Robyn’s sister. Why can’t she stay?”
I exhaled slowly, feeling the loss of her already. “Because she’s young, Lew. She’s got her whole life ahead of her. She needs to go off and experience the world a bit before she settles down. Not to mention, her parents live in America. Her life is back there.”
And there it was.
The truth.
No matter her attraction to me, I knew that no twenty-five-year-old would want to settle down in a remote Scottish village with a man thirteen years her senior and play mum to his two children. Christ, Fran hadn’t wanted it, and she’d chosen it.
“I want her to stay,” Lewis whispered sadly.
“I know, buddy. But try not to think about her leaving. It’s not for a while yet. And she’s here now. Just enjoy having her with us for now, okay?”
Lewis nodded, but I knew he didn’t understand.
How could he? All he knew was that a woman he cared about because she so obviously cared about him was temporary.
And that made little sense to a boy who was raised on the belief that his mother loved him and hadn’t wanted to leave him and if it had been up to her, she never would have.
Knowing my son was going to take Regan’s leaving as proof she didn’t love him, I squeezed his eyes closed, tightened my hold on Lewis, and stayed with him until he fell asleep.
However, the longer I lay there, the more I stewed.
Lewis wouldn’t have fallen asleep with tears in his eyes if Regan had treated me with civility and professionalism tonight.
Yes, I’d been a prick at Morag’s, and I’d admit it, but she couldn’t act like that around the kids.
They were too perceptive, and she should know that by now.
Unfortunately for her, when I came downstairs, she was still there.
Heat licked through me at the sight of her in her prim little dress with its not-so-prim fucking hemline. As she bent over to load the last of the dishes into the dishwasher, I caught a flash of her arse. Sadly, the thick tights she wore covered it.