Chapter 36 Thane #2
Everyone’s voices joined him in the countdown, but I was too busy craning my neck in search of Regan. It was too shadowy to see much farther than a few feet, even with the lights along the side of the castle building offering reprieve from the darkness.
“Two! One! Happy New Year!”
Fireworks exploded into the sky above us right on time, illuminating everyone in pops and flashes of rainbow-hued light.
A hard yank on my waistcoat brought my head down, and Angeline slammed my mouth onto hers.
Stunned into stillness, the damn woman took advantage and wriggled her tongue past my lips to lick at me.
At my lack of response, she released me abruptly, scowling.
“Well, kiss me back! It’s New Year’s!” She jerked me toward her again, but my gaze was drawn beyond her.
My heart stopped in my chest.
Illuminated beneath the raucous bangs of the fireworks, Regan stood in her uniform, staring at me and Angeline in absolute horror.
No!
Her eyes moved from the woman in my arms, the woman draped in my kilt jacket, to me.
And she looked at me with such hatred, I wanted to die.
“Regan.”
She whirled, her ponytail whipping a guest in the face, and pushed through the crowd.
“Thane?” Angeline pulled at me.
I disentangled from her grip, shoving her aside as gently but as firmly as I could, before hurrying after Regan.
“Where are you going?” Angeline called petulantly at my back.
I could kill the woman!
And myself for being too much of a fucking gentleman to tell her to piss off!
A flash of copper-red hair beneath the lights of the fireworks caught my eye, and I saw Regan dash into the castle.
“Excuse me, excuse me,” I muttered impatiently, my heart banging in my chest.
The deafening display in the night sky agitated my pulse even more.
There was no one in the reception hall when I finally made it inside. The sound of everyone breaking into “Auld Lang Syne,” as was Scottish tradition after midnight, irritated me. Didn’t they know not everyone was in a celebratory fucking mood now?
“Regan!” I shouted to be heard over them.
Desperation and fear shuddered through me.
Where would she go?
I knew the answer before I’d even finished the thought. Storming through the reception hall, I hurried to where I’d hidden for the past few hours before Angeline Potter found me and derailed my whole bloody evening.
Striding into the library, my pulse eased just a little as Regan spun from her spot near a bookshelf to face me. Her usually warm chestnut eyes were flat and dark.
“Why did you follow me?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Shouldn’t you be out there enjoying the tongue gymnastics of a BAFTA Award–winning actor?”
I winced at the way her voice cracked with emotion. “That wasn’t me.” I approached her slowly and paused as she retreated. “Regan, she kissed me.”
“Oh, really? I didn’t see you pushing her off. It must have been such a hardship for you.”
“It was, actually,” I growled. Her tongue was like a slug.
“I’m sure she thought her kiss was welcome, what with you giving her your jacket to wear and letting her snuggle all over you.” She spat snuggle like it was a dirty word, the flatness in her eyes replaced by angry fire.
I could deal with the fire. Fire was good.
It was emotion. Flatness meant she no longer cared.
And that, as fucked up as it was, I couldn’t deal with.
Staring at her, her chest heaving with agitation, her lips trembling with emotion …
God, I missed her. It had only been a week, and yet it felt like months since I’d held her.
“I gave her my jacket because she was cold. End of story.” I moved toward her again, and although Regan didn’t retreat, she eyed me warily.
“It’s none of my business, I guess. You’ve made that clear. I just thought you’d have more class than to move on to someone else less than a week after we broke up. She’s my age, you know.”
“I’m not moving on to bloody Angeline Potter!” I yelled, beyond frustrated now.
“Like I said, none of my business. Just like I’m none of yours.”
Yes, you bloody are. I stalked ever closer to her, eyeing the stupid cravat Lachlan made his staff wear, my fingers curling at the thought of ripping it off her throat so I could cover her skin in kisses and feel the throb of her pulse beneath my lips.
“You can kiss or sleep with whoever you want,” Regan continued with a shrug. “Just like I can.”
“You wouldn’t,” I bit out harshly.
Her eyes narrowed. “Oh, I would. Hell, Jared McCulloch has made it more than clear that he’d like me in his bed.”
Jealousy and rage flared through me as if she’d just dropped a match on a pool of petrol at my feet.
“That pup?” I closed the distance between us, forcing her to tilt her head to hold my gaze.
The image of Regan naked beneath McCulloch’s grandson nauseated me.
“You’d only be doing it to fuck me out of your system, and you’d think of me the whole time. ”
Devastation leaked through Regan’s defiance, cooling my anger. “True,” she whispered. “I’d wish it were you instead of him … but it wouldn’t change the fact that it would be him inside me. His cock, his lips, his hands, his—”
I hauled her against me, swallowing the words I couldn’t stand to hear.
My kiss wasn’t gentle or gentlemanlike in the least. Holding her by the nape so she couldn’t move, I kissed her like I wanted to fuck her.
Hard, ravaging, deep. Pushing her toward the bookshelves, trapping her against them, pulling at her thigh to spread her so I could fall between her legs.
The roles were reversed, I thought, a tickle of amusement softening my furious lust. I had easy access beneath my kilt, but Regan was in trousers.
Never leaving her mouth, barely giving her time to breathe, wanting her to be overwhelmed by me, I fumbled for the zipper on her uniform trousers.
I’d barely touched it when she pressed her hands against my chest. At first, I thought she was holding on to me.
But then a definite shove filtered through the fog of desire, and I released her quickly, stumbling away.
My chest heaved as I panted. My lips were as swollen as Regan’s looked. Curling my hands into fists, I had to force myself to stay still, to not fall on her like a starving man again.
That became easier when I realized she was crying.
“Mo leannan,” I whispered hoarsely, reaching for her.
“Don’t!” Regan pushed away my arm and rushed past.
“Regan!”
She whirled, looking so young and so … lost.
My heart thumped painfully.
“Do you know?” Regan asked, half yelling, half crying. “Do you know what it’s like to love someone this much and have them only want this one thing from you?”
No, she couldn’t think that. I shook my head to explain, but she cut me off as she continued, “And I was going to let you. I was going to let you screw me just so you could turn around and abandon me, again. Am I right? If we had sex right now, it didn’t mean you were giving us a real shot, did it? ”
Shame flooded me, making my skin too hot, too tight.
She laughed bitterly. “I didn’t think so.”
“Regan—” I had to clear my throat; her name came out like I had gravel in there. “I just don’t want you to have any regrets about me.”
“Too late,” she bit out, backing away toward the door.
“Because I already regret you. I regret every kiss I ever gave you, every piece of my heart … because as precious as every kiss and every piece of me is … you threw them away like I was nothing. And I’m the idiot who listened to everyone who said I should stay and fight for what I want.
To show you I’m not going anywhere. But it will never matter, will it?
I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me. ”
Everything within me roared in outrage at her words, but it was like a raging fire bottled by fear. Before I could wrestle it open, Regan turned on her heel and fled.
Her last words rang in my ears, over and over and over. I stumbled back, hitting a wall, and I slid down it until I felt the floor beneath me. Drawing up my knees, burying my head in my hands, I fought back my frustration.
Why couldn’t I just let the past go?
Regan wasn’t Fran.
She was loyal to a fault.
And she loved Eilidh and Lewis. She would never hurt them.
“I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me. I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me. I’ll never matter to you like you matter to me.”
“You don’t know how wrong you are,” I whispered hoarsely.
Get up, then. Get up and go after her.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there debating before I heard my name.
Lifting my head, I found Lachlan towering over me. My big brother lowered to his haunches, his kilt kicking out over his knees with the movement.
“What’s going on?” Lachlan’s brow creased with concern.
“I’m a coward.”
Lachlan sighed.
“I’m a selfish arsehole. Eilidh and Lewis ask for her every day. Eils cries at night before bed, wondering where she is.”
“And you?”
“I feel like I’m missing a limb.”
Lachlan sighed. “Then what’s stopping you? She’s yours as soon as you give her the right words. I’m frankly confused by it,” my brother teased. “She can do so much better than you.”
“Fuck off,” I snapped, not in the mood.
Lachlan grinned. “Problem is, she’s crazy about you.
Any dafty can see it. She was watching you like a hawk all night.
Roman Bright was trying to get into her pants, and she was so busy searching the room for you, she didn’t have a clue.
It only made him try harder.” His lips pursed.
“I’ll need to have a word with him. Remind him of club rules. ”
My gut churned, not just at the thought of Bright pursuing Regan but of what she’d witnessed with Angeline. “I hurt her tonight.”
My brother’s amusement fled. “I know. But you can make it up to her. Christ, I had to fly all the way to Boston to grovel on my knees to get Robyn back. All you have to do is get up, get in the car with Jock, and follow the GPS tracker on Regan’s SUV.”
“She left?” I frowned.
Lachlan nodded. “She drove past my guests like a bat out of hell. Robyn made me tell security to open the gate for her.”
Scowling at the thought of Regan driving around in the pitch-black while emotionally distraught, I got to my feet and admitted something I didn’t want to.
“I’m … I’m afraid that one day she’ll wake up and regret settling for me.
For us. Because Eilidh and Lewis and I are a package deal.
She takes on me, she becomes a mum to two young kids. ”
My brother gave me an understanding look.
“She knows that, Thane. The rest is up to you. The fear doesn’t go away.
Every day I fight back the fear of losing Robyn.
Some days it doesn’t even cross my mind …
but there are other days it does, and it isn’t easy, but I fight it back because you were right: life with her is worth that battle.
“Your concerns about Regan leaving you will eventually go away. But it might take years. You just have to decide to trust her, to trust that she’s worth the risk.
So if you’re waiting for certainty, for that knot of dread in your gut to melt away, you’ll be waiting forever if you don’t go to her.
The only certainty you can trust is how you feel.
And you wouldn’t be in this much turmoil, brother, if you weren’t in love with her. ”
I let Lachlan’s words sink in, and they did with such profundity, I glowered at him. “Why the fuck didn’t you say that to me a week ago?” I pushed Lachlan roughly on the shoulder. “I need a car. Now.”
My brother’s lips twitched. “You can’t. You’ve been drinking. Jock will take you.”
“Now!” I demanded, already marching out of the room.