Chapter 16 #2
But she didn’t stop looking at you that way after you told her about Robyn.
The truth didn’t scare her off.
My lies had.
Hands clenched around the wheel, I focused on the drive, feeling far more drained than I could’ve imagined. If this was therapy, it was brutal.
The sight of the Welcome to Ardnoch sign was a relief; even more so was Arro’s cul-de-sac and her bungalow.
Her home made me smile. Arro was never about flash, but about comfort and space.
She’d told me she bought the bungalow because it was big enough for all her books and the knickknacks Lachlan had agreed she could take from the castle.
My smile transformed to a frown, however, when I saw not Jock’s vehicle out front but Robyn’s.
Where the hell was Jock?
Parking on the street, I hurried up Arro’s front walk. Her curtains were drawn, so I couldn’t see anything but faint light between the cracks.
Robyn answered after I rang the doorbell.
“Robbie,” I greeted, confused, peering past her into the hallway for Arro. “What are you doing here? Where’s Jock?”
My daughter leaned against the doorjamb, casual, relaxed in posture, but there was something calculating in her eyes. “Jock’s fiancé is sick, so he had to go home to take care of him and his son. I said I’d guard Arro until you got back.”
I scowled at that. “Putting you both in the crosshairs. Wonderful.”
She smirked. “Yeah, Lachlan wasn’t too happy about it, either, but I reminded him that just because I married him doesn’t mean I stop being who I am. And we both know I can handle myself.”
It wasn’t said with arrogance. It was a statement of fact. Pride swelled inside me. While I’d always worry about Robyn, as was a father’s prerogative, how she’d handled herself with Fergus and Lucy soothed those worries. Robyn was strong, capable, and well-trained.
And suddenly it dawned on me, making me feel stupid for not having recognized it sooner, but that was what Arro needed. I’d been so set on being the one to protect her that I hadn’t recognized what she really needed was to feel like she could protect herself.
“You’re letting the cold in.” Arro appeared in the doorway beside Robyn. She flicked me an annoyed look I’d almost grown used to. Anything was preferable to the devastation in her expression when we’d argued in the cabin. “Mac.”
“Arro. I’m just back from my jujitsu class, and I’ve decided you’re coming with me every Thursday from now on.”
Her face clouded over. “I’m not uprooting my schedule for this shit. If you need to be somewhere, you be there, and I’ll be here.”
“Not so I can keep an eye on you,” I answered with more patience than I felt, “but to train. It’s time you learned how to defend yourself.”
This seemed to shock her into silence for a few seconds before she replied, “Well, I’d rather train with Robyn. I’ve been meaning to, anyway, since last year.”
Robyn pushed away from the jamb, looking between us with that same intelligent gaze that seemed determined to uncover our secrets. Whatever she saw in my eyes caused her to reply, “Nah, you’re better off with Dad. He knows what he’s doing.”
Arro looked like she’d been betrayed. “But … Regan said if it weren’t for your training, she’d never have gotten away from Austin.”
“Yeah, but that was defensive groundwork stuff, and a lot of that comes from jujitsu,” Robyn explained. “Which Dad teaches. Specifically to beginners. Besides, he’s trained in RBSD—reality-based self-defense. Close combat. It’s what you’re looking for.”
“I don’t think so,” Arro answered mulishly.
Robyn opened her mouth to respond, but I beat her to it. “Do you want to feel in control right now or rely on other people to protect you?”
“Fuck you,” she snapped.
“Whoa.” Robyn stepped outside to stand in front of me like a shield. “I don’t know what’s going on between you, but one, you don’t talk to him like that—”
“Robbie—”
“No, Dad.” She shook her head, glowering at Arro. “I know you’re having a hard time, but just no. You don’t talk to him like that. And two, take the damn lessons. For all our peace of mind. It would be good for us all to know you can handle yourself.”
Arro stared blankly at Robyn and replied tonelessly, “One, I’ve been in Mac’s life for a long time and you have no idea about our relationship, so I’ll talk to him however I damn well please, and two, I do want to train but not with him. Can’t someone else do it?”
“No.” Robyn lifted her chin stubbornly. “You’ll train with Dad every Thursday. Maybe it’ll help you work out whatever problem you have with him.”
“You’re not the boss of me, Robyn Adair. I’m technically your elder, you know.”
“Then act like it and take up an offer that could save your life.”
The grim reality of the truth in that statement made my heart lurch. When a flicker of fear crossed Arro’s gaze, even more so, I wanted to reach out and hold her.
“Fine,” Arro snapped angrily, then looked up at me. “You can’t come in. ’Night, Robyn.” She slammed the door in our faces.
We were silent a moment and then I let out a long exhale as I squeezed Robyn’s shoulders. “You don’t need to stick up for me, wee birdie. I can handle myself, and I don’t want to come between you two.”
Robyn looked up at me. “You’re my dad. I don’t like anyone hurting your feelings, no matter who they are.”
God, what the hell did I do to deserve her?
I pulled her into my arms, kissed the top of her head, and then set her back gently before I slipped and broke down about everything. “Let’s get you home.” I walked to her car and waited as she strolled after me.
Robyn didn’t get in. She leaned against the driver’s door and studied me thoughtfully. “What’s going on, Dad?” she asked in soft concern.
“I …” I looked back at Arro’s house, that familiar ache growing sharper and more jagged in my chest every day. “I … let’s just say I hurt her feelings. Badly.”
“Dad …” Robyn frowned sympathetically. “You know I know. And Lachlan does too.”
“You know nothing,” I said gently.
A flicker of something like hurt crossed her face, and I bit back a curse.
And then blurted out, “I saw a therapist today.”
Her head jerked back in surprise. “What? Really?”
I instantly regretted telling her. What if I couldn’t return to the sessions? What if I couldn’t endure putting myself through that again? Would Robyn see that as a failure?
“Hey …” She touched my arm. “First session is rough, huh?”
Surprised, I nodded. “You too?”
“Oh, yeah. It was really hard. Telling a stranger everything I felt without censoring it to make it more palatable the way I did for the people in my life … yeah, that was like I was slowly scraping off the layers of my skin. Excruciating.”
Something in me eased. “So that’s normal, then?”
“Yeah, it’s normal.”
“How did you push through it and return for more?”
“Because the pain I was carrying around on a daily basis was a million times worse, and I wanted to find a way to move on without it,” she answered.
Pain I’d caused.
“Don’t, Dad.”
I nodded, swallowing the bitter emotion.
“That’s one of the reasons I bit the bullet and went.
To deal with how I feel about not being there for you.
I want to”—I heaved a massive sigh, trying to alleviate the pressure on my chest—“I want to do better. I fucked up with you, and we can’t ever get those years back.
I don’t want to keep repeating that mistake. ”
“We went over this. What happened between us wasn’t just your fault. Mom had a hand in it too.”
I would never lay the blame for my part in it at Stacey’s feet.
Yes, she’d done wrong, but she’d done it because I’d hurt her.
She’d loved me, and I’d never really loved her back.
If I hadn’t stayed in the relationship because she fell pregnant, I wouldn’t have led her on, and maybe things would’ve turned out differently.
“I stayed away because I thought you deserved better, and all I did was hurt you more.”
Emotion brightened Robyn’s eyes, eyes she’d inherited from me. “Do you know why I forgave you for all that and decided I wanted you in my life as my dad?”
I shook my head—I’d never really understood that kindness. Was only grateful for it.
“Because I know that as much as it hurt me, I think it hurt you just as much. I see that. I feel it. I’ve always been an action-over-words kind of person, and from the moment I came back into your life, you have been there for me every step of the way.”
She squeezed my arm again as I choked down the emotion.
“I’m glad you’re going to therapy because you need to work this out and start seeing yourself for who you really are.
I don’t want you making that same mistake over and over again either.
I don’t want my dad to end up alone when there’s”—her attention flickered to the house and then back to me—“someone who loves him like he deserves.”
I pushed words out through the constriction in my throat, “She might never forgive me. I might never have that with her.”
She raised an eyebrow. “But you’re ready to try?”
“Well, the therapy is a starting point. I know I’m useless to her as I am, but maybe if I can get my head screwed on straight, it might work between us. If she forgives me.”
“I think that’s great.”
Apprehension filled me. “I hate to ask, but can you not mention this to Lachlan yet? I want to be the one to discuss this with him when I’m ready.”
“You got it. I won’t say a word,” she promised.
Overwhelming love filled me. “I’m so grateful for you, wee birdie.”
Robyn reached out to squeeze my hand. “Back at you, Dad.”
Dad. That one word was a balm to so many wounds. When Robyn first arrived in Ardnoch, I was Mac. When she started calling me Dad, it was the best goddamn gift in the world.
I’d fought my demons to be a better father to her.
I’d done it.
Gazing at Arro’s house, feeling a pull toward it as I always did toward her, I tasted hope on my tongue.
Because if I’d fought my self-destructive thoughts once before, I could do it again.