Chapter 30 Arro
ARRO
The sky was so blue today, barely a cloud marring its perfect gradient from baby blue on the horizon to a warm cornflower at its height.
Nothing was quite as beautiful, however, as the shore at the Bay of Sannick, a striking turquoise bleeding into royal blue as the water lapped the golden-white sand of the beach.
On a day like this, you might think you were somewhere in the Caribbean.
Even the grass of the surrounding fields looked an unearthly bright green as the sun shone down on us.
Mac settled a blanket on the sand, the beach quiet despite the busy tourist season.
He’d agreed to work this Saturday to cover one of his team’s shifts, so I’d taken today as a personal day to make sure we wouldn’t miss our time together this week.
Coming here on a Wednesday meant beating the weekenders, but there were still some folks roaming around.
We were just a few miles down the coast from John O’Groats, after all.
“What a perfect day,” I commented with a smile as Mac removed lunch from our picnic basket. It was perfect. While it was one of the warmest days on record this year, the breeze from the bay was soothing. Though it reminded me to dig into my purse for the sunscreen. I handed it to Mac first.
“I’m good.” He waved it off.
“You’re wearing a T-shirt that displays your delicious manceps and thick manarms, so while, yes, you’re always good, you also need to take care of your skin.”
Mac grinned but took the lotion. “Manceps? Manarms?”
I looked at said biceps and forearms and said, “On second thought, give it back.”
Raising an eyebrow, he did just that while I scooted closer to him. A low chuckle fell between his lips as I smoothed the lotion on him myself.
“Opportunist,” Mac murmured, and while we were both wearing sunglasses so I couldn’t see the look in his eyes, I knew by his tone that they would be filled with tenderness.
I smiled flirtatiously as I took my time, feeling every sinew and muscle in his arms. “I enjoy touching you. Sue me.” Smoothing the lotion down over his hands, I tangled our fingers together playfully.
Mac brought our joined hands to his mouth and pressed a sultry kiss to the back of mine. “Let me do the rest,” he said quietly, expression heated, “unless you’re into me fucking you in public.”
I threw my head back in laughter and promised to grant him mercy after I got the back of his neck. That meant shoving my breasts in his face, to which he gave me a not-so-stern warning to stop.
I scooted back to my spot on the blanket, and Mac handed me the lotion once all his bare skin was covered. “Want a hand?” he asked.
Shaking my head with a smile, I replied, “You better not.”
With a smug chuckle, Mac reached for his sandwich instead. Once I was done with the lotion, I ate too. “Has Robyn been here with her camera?” The Bay of Sannick was roughly two hours north of Ardnoch on mainland Scotland’s most northerly coastline.
“I think she’s been everywhere in Caithness and Sutherland at this point,” Mac replied. “Lachlan’s taking her to Glasgow in September. They’re staying down there for a few weeks so Robyn can explore the central belt.”
It still amazed me that Robyn was actually making money as a landscape photographer, and not because her photos weren’t spectacular (I planned to commission a few whenever I built my home), but because it wasn’t easy making money from artistic endeavors.
“Does that mean you’re running the estate again?”
Mac shrugged. “Not like when they were on their honeymoon. Lachlan will work remotely while they’re down there. I know Robyn prefers to go off on her photography scouting alone most of the time, so he’ll have time to work.”
Oh, speaking of photographs … I opened my purse for my phone. “Will you take a selfie with me?” I smiled at him. “I realized there are very few photos of us, and we’ve hardly taken any since we got together.”
Mac’s answer was a lift of his chin and moving himself a few inches closer. His arm slid around my waist, and I nestled back into him as I raised the camera. “Smile, and if you can’t smile, big guy, then just think of the fantastic things I did with my mouth in bed this morning.”
His laughter filled my ear, and I grinned as I snapped the photo.
Mac grasped my chin lightly and turned me into him for a kiss.
It was one of the best kisses of my life, even though we’d certainly had more exciting ones.
But I could still feel the amusement on his lips, feel the adoration in the sweetness of it.
The sounds of the water gently lapping the shore, the gulls crying above, and the laughter in the near distance from those we shared the beach with … yeah, it was a perfect kiss.
And when I later checked the selfie, it was the best photo ever. I’d captured Mac laughing while I grinned, delighted I’d amused him.
As we sat enjoying the contentment of a beautiful summer’s day on a wee slice of heavenly beach, I thought of everything I didn’t know about Mac and how I so desperately wanted to be the person who knew every inch of him, past and present.
“How are things with Robyn? I feel like I haven’t asked you that in a while.”
His lips lifted up at the corners. “They’re good. Better than I ever could’ve hoped for.”
“Do you talk about her with Iona?” It was silly, I knew, but I was almost jealous of Mac’s therapist. She maybe knew him better than I did.
“I do. My past with Robyn is a huge part of why I feel so much like a failure. Talking about it helps me see things clearer. To accept failure where it is, aye, but to recognize my success with her too.”
“You should feel only success now, Mackennon. You’re a wonderful dad … even if it still feels really weird that you have a daughter Robyn’s age,” I teased.
But Mac didn’t smile. He stared out toward the sea and confessed, “Sometimes I get into these phases where I can’t stop thinking about two things.
The first is when she broke down crying when she finally confronted me about leaving her.
I play it over and over in my head, and I swear to God, it feels like my guts are being ripped out every time. ”
“Mackennon,” I whispered, tears brightening my eyes. I hated that he was haunted by that moment.
“I’m learning to do it less,” he promised me.
“And the second thing?”
“Is about her getting shot in the line of duty. That no one called me. That she actually …” His voice cracked.
“Died. She died and might never have come back. And never mind that I didn’t know and I wasn’t there to see her through her recovery …
but what if she had died? How long would Stacey have waited to tell me?
Would I have missed her funeral? I would never have had the chance to make things right between us. ”
“Mackennon.” I rubbed his back in soothing circles. “You mustn’t let yourself fall down that rabbit hole.”
“I know that now,” he reassured me. “You wanted to know if I spoke about Robyn at therapy, and I do. We speak about these things.”
“And Iona helps you come up with ways to divert the negative thoughts?”
“Aye. As soon as a thought like that comes to mind, I think of something good that happened between me and Robyn instead.”
“And it works?”
“I have to be aware a lot, which is a little wearing, but aye, it works, and it’s worth it.”
Silence fell over us, and I suddenly regretted taking him to that grim place. Trying to change the subject, I asked, “Do you ever miss all the traveling you used to do? With Lachlan?”
If the turn of conversation surprised Mac, he didn’t show it.
Mind you, I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sexy sunglasses.
The man looked like an ad for aftershave.
All he needed to do was take off his T-shirt, go into the sea, and then emerge half-naked, brooding at the camera.
I shook myself from the fantasy to hear his response.
“No. It was fine, but I started to long for a home base.”
“Do you miss Glasgow or Boston?”
He looked at me. “I missed my gran, and I missed Robyn. But not really either of the places.”
“What happened to your gran?”
“She passed away a few years after Robyn was born.”
“I’m sorry, Mackennon.”
He nodded. “She wasn’t perfect, but she tried harder than anyone else in my life when I was a kid.
You’d think a teenage boy would hate being sent off to another country away from his friends, but I was grateful.
To my uncle, too, even though he was reluctant to have me there. He paid for my flight.”
“Whatever happened to him?”
“He’s still in Boston. Perpetual bachelor. I check in with him every new year, but that’s about it. We never had an easy relationship. He keeps his distance from everyone.” Mac turned to me again, and I wished like hell I could see his eyes. “I used to worry that I’d end up like him.”
Reaching over, I covered his hand with mine. “That will never happen.” Then realizing that sounded like a promise for forever, a wee bit of stupid panic made me say, “No matter what happens with us.”
His shoulders seemed to hunch up, and he gave me a tight smile.
Fuck.
Why did I say that?
“I mean—”
“It’s okay, Arro.”
MAC
I knew she felt guilty and I pulled my hand from under hers, but only to hold it in mine, reassuring her.
Her answering hold was so tight, I grew concerned. “Arro?”
“I’m sorry I’m so messed up about all this,” she whispered.
“Hey.” I moved closer, nudging her with my shoulder. “Don’t apologize. Go at your own pace, darlin’. I’m happy to do that.”
We sat in tense silence for a while, watching the unusual calm of the water, a family who’d obviously come from Duncansby Head strolling down from the dunes, and the towering sea stacks that were believed to have stood for over six thousand years, slowly being eroded by the staggering force of the North Sea.
I considered Arro’s footwear and whether a walk might break the tension.
Then Arro said, “Did you know I had a crush on you from almost the beginning?”
Surprised, I shook my head. “No.”
“How would you?” She shot me an amused smile. “I was only eighteen when I really noticed you. Too young for you to notice me.”
I didn’t know what to say because it was the truth. She’d just been Lachlan’s wee sister back then.
“God, I loved having a crush on you.” She chuckled, as if remembering.
“It excited me anytime you came to the castle for a visit, and I enjoyed fantasizing about what our life together would be like if you ever noticed me.” The laughter in her voice faded, however, as she continued, “Though deep down, I didn’t think you’d ever notice me. ”
Emotion made my pulse race hard as I studied her profile. I didn’t know what to say. Part of me still didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of steadfast affection.
“It changed when you and Lachlan came home after Dad died. My feelings, I mean. But you know about that.” She glanced at me.
“You offered me friendship, but I wanted more. And while a crush was fun … loving you for so long, unable to speak about it, was this agonizing weight on my chest. So much pain that no one knew about.” A tear slipped down her cheek, and I reached to swipe it away, afraid to speak in case my emotion overcame me.
To the depths of my soul, I regretted every second of pain I’d caused her.
“When we had our falling-out, something happened. Something shifted, and it was like the anger closed a door on the pain. But that’s where all that love is, Mackennon. It’s behind that door with the pain. And I’m afraid. I’m afraid to open the door.”
Pulling her against me, she rested her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of it in reassurance as she tightened her hold on my hand.
Strangely, while her words hurt, they filled me with hope.
Arrochar Adair loved me.
I was certain of it.
And one day, hopefully soon, she’d feel safe enough to open the door again.