Chapter 20 - Eredine
EREDINE
We hadn’t spoken in two days.
As angry as I was with Arran, I hated I hadn’t heard from him.
I thought for sure he might come and apologize for being pissed about the conclusions Jared obviously drew in Flora’s alley.
And then I could apologize for my seething jealousy at the sight of Arran hugging Monroe Sinclair in the middle of the village.
It hadn’t looked like just a friendly hug.
He had this tender expression on his face as he kissed the top of her head that had sparked my possessiveness.
It wasn’t my right to feel territorial. We had a deal. A deal mostly driven by me.
But I hated the history between him and Roe. I couldn’t help it.
To say my stomach was in knots as I pulled up outside Thane and Regan’s was an understatement.
They were hosting family dinner, and while Arran and I had already made it through one so far without revealing what we were up to, I wasn’t prepared for this scenario.
How did I pretend I wasn’t equal parts furious and scared he didn’t want to be with me anymore?
Anytime I thought about what it would be like to not have permission to reach out and touch him, to kiss him, to feel him …
it was like a sharp knife scoring right through me.
Oh, Lord. I’d really screwed up getting into this with him.
The Adair family were as rambunctious as ever as I walked into my friends’ house, Eilidh running to greet me, while Lewis argued with his dad about a video game.
The adults all laughed and talked over one another as they set the table.
Arran stood next to Arro, and whatever he said made her burst into laughter and shove him gently.
He chuckled, delighted by her response, and my heart swelled.
Damn it.
As if he sensed me observing him, Arran looked across the room, and his amusement died.
Double damn it.
“Ery, I want to show you the swimsuit Mum bought me.”
“After dinner, Eils.” Regan came over to hug me. “Hey, come in, come in. How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you?”
We chitchatted as she led me over to everyone else, and I tried my best not to look at Arran. Robyn and Arro were comically growing their bellies in sync. They literally had what looked like almost the same size bump, which I knew had to be freaking out Mac and Lachlan.
“I’ll be the size of a house for the wedding next month,” Arro groaned after I told her how beautiful she and Robyn looked.
And they did. Arro’s morning sickness had abated, and she was feeling a lot better these days, which had also relaxed Mac a bit. Robyn was taking her pregnancy in enviable stride.
“You’re stunning,” Mac assured his fiancée as he came up behind her and placed his hands on her belly. She leaned back into him as he kissed the side of her face, and I felt another irritating pang flare inside me.
My curiosity took over, a mind of its own, as I watched Arran cross the room to intervene in the argument between Lewis and Thane. Once it was over, Arran looked over his shoulder at me.
I couldn’t read his expression.
Lowering my eyes, I turned to answer Robyn as she asked me what I thought of the novel we were reading for book club this month. I welcomed the distraction.
Eilidh dragged me outside before dinner to play with the miniature badminton set her parents bought last week. While my cutie pie was a beautiful dancer, not too shabby at soccer, and a fast runner, badminton wasn’t her game. But Eilidh persevered valiantly, determined to hit the shuttlecock.
We hadn’t been out there long when Arran appeared on the deck. My stomach flipped with an amalgam of emotions.
“Sweetheart,” Arran called to his niece as he descended the steps. “Your mum wants you inside. You promised to help her with the mash.”
Eilidh happily threw her racket on the ground and ran past him, calling over her shoulder, “Play with Ery, Uncle Arran. She needs practice!”
Laughter burst between my lips, and Arran’s eyes twinkled as he approached me.
“Don’t worry, I’ve been forced to play with her all week, so I know who really requires the practice.”
I didn’t need the reminder that he was good with his niece and nephew.
The memory of our last encounter came to mind instead, and my anger returned. Moving past him to collect the racket, he clasped my arm, halting me.
I glanced hurriedly up at the house and then back to him. “Let go.”
Arran scowled but released me. “I wanted to apologize for being pissed at you about Jared’s reaction. You’re right. His assumptions are not on you for deciding to keep us a secret, and I feel like a shit for saying it was. I’m sorry.”
Tension eased inside me. “Thank you for saying so. Apology accepted. And I’m so—”
“Ery, I can’t do this anymore,” he cut me off.
Panic replaced my earlier tension. “What?”
His blue eyes clouded with a mix of tenderness and frustration.
“I didn’t mean to do this here … I just …
I want more. I want a relationship with you, but you won’t give me that.
And I don’t want to hide what I feel from you, let alone anyone else.
I have real feelings for you, Eredine. This isn’t just sex.
” He ran a hand through his hair and let out a huff of sad laughter. “If I’m honest, it never was.”
I didn’t know what to say.
A huge part of me wanted to grab and kiss him and promise him I’d give us a real shot if it meant not losing him. But the past had its claws clamped around my ankles, and I couldn’t move toward him. I couldn’t even speak.
Disappointment gleamed in his eyes. “Right. I guess we’re done, then.”
He moved to walk away, and I forced out the words, “Arran, I …” But then I didn’t know what I wanted to say. It was awful.
“It’s fine.” He couldn’t meet my gaze. “We’ll go on as before. I might need some time, but we’ll find our rhythm as friends again, Ery. We promised each other that, and I intend to keep that promise.”
Friends.
I watched him hurry into the house, tears burning my eyes, and I turned away, sucking in a deep inhale of sea air to fight back my panic.
“You okay?” Regan asked at my side as conversation flowed around us at the dinner table.
By sheer force of will, I’d returned to the house and sat my ass down at the table. I couldn’t look at Arran. It hurt too freaking much.
He’d turned everything upside down. Until him, I was certain I could never be in a relationship again. But this last month with him had been like a relationship. And it had felt great. Better than great. I’d felt alive and not alone for the first time in eight years.
I wanted to give myself to him, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to give him the whole of me, and that wasn’t fair to Arran.
Yet the panic rising within terrified me. I’d never felt that about anyone. In the past, long before Ardnoch, I’d been broken up with. The rejection had stung; it had hurt. But I’d never felt such overwhelming dread.
Never mind that Arran would eventually meet someone and, as his friend, I’d have to endure watching that.
“Ery?”
I unclenched my jaw and looked at Regan.
She’d asked me a question, hadn’t she? “I’m fine. I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m a little spacey.”
She studied my face for a second. “Okay.”
I wasn’t sure she believed me.
Glancing down at my plate, I tried to concentrate on the two different conversations happening at the table—one between Thane, Eilidh, and Lewis about a camping trip their father had promised to take them on during the summer holidays, and the other among everyone else about the renovations on the Gloaming’s guest rooms.
Then Arro cut through the noise by calling down the table, “Arran, I meant to say, Mac and I bumped into Lisa Duncan yesterday in Inverness. She’s moved back to the Highlands.”
Lisa Duncan?
My gaze moved to Arran, but so had everyone else’s, so their curiosity camouflaged mine.
“Who is Lisa Duncan?” Eilidh asked.
Her uncle shot her a smirk. “An old friend.”
Arro snorted. “Um, just about the only girl your uncle ever liked who showed no interest back. Until now.”
My heart lurched.
Arran raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“She gave me her number to pass along. Apparently, she’s single and has changed her mind about you.”
“That’s odd, considering she hasn’t seen him in years,” Regan huffed. “If she didn’t want him then, why now? Could it be because two of his brothers are famous?”
Lachlan choked on a sip of water while Arran feigned hurt as he sat back, clutching his chest. “Regan, you think so little of my charms?”
She rolled her eyes. “I think it’s weird that a woman who hasn’t spoken to you in years would give her number to your sister.”
“You’re such a momma bear,” Robyn teased. “You do know Arran is ten years older than you, right?”
Regan glowered at her sister. “Men can be stupid when it comes to women.”
The men at the table looked affronted.
Arro shook her head at Mac and joked, “History does not lend itself to you in an argument against her accusation.”
Before he could retort, Regan pointed her fork at Thane. “Nor you.”
“You’re being harsh,” Robyn opined. “They all got there in the end.”
“You would say that since you were equally stupid about Lachlan,” her sister goaded.
Robyn wagged a finger at her. “Don’t call a pregnant woman stupid. That’s stupid.”
I wanted to enjoy their easy banter, but my pulse raced at the thought of Arran taking this Lisa woman’s number.
“So, do you want her number?” Arro asked her brother. “I assume you do, considering the lack of choice in Ardnoch.”
“How long has it been?” Lachlan grinned devilishly at Arran.
“How long has what been?” Lewis frowned.
Robyn nudged an elbow into her husband’s side and gave him a warning look.
His lips twitched, but sufficiently chastened, he told his nephew, “Since your uncle went on a date.”
Lewis wrinkled his nose. “Ugh.”
“You’ll change your tune soon enough.”
Thane looked at Lachlan. “Leave him be. If I have my way, he’ll change his tune when he’s ninety.”