Chapter 21 Monroe #2
To be honest, I wasn’t sure my heart could take much more, but I’d spewed all my hurt at him on the beach, only to learn he had tried to reach out to me.
Only my mother stood in my way. Again. I hadn’t had time to fully process the wounds my mum had inflicted, but it eased me somewhat to know that Brodan hadn’t just walked away.
So maybe, even if it changed little between us, it was only right I give him a chance to tell his side of the story.
“All right.”
He was surprised by my capitulation but nodded grimly. “Shall we sit?”
I glanced down at the comfortable sofas. A place I could sit with the TV on, marking the kids’ work in comfort. A place I could take a nap on lazy Saturday afternoons while the wood burner crackled warmly in the corner.
It reminded me of a little cottage I had when I worked in the Lowlands. I could have that again and be able to afford it myself almost anywhere but Ardnoch. So it mattered little what Brodan confessed tonight. I’d still be leaving next year.
Why did I need to remind myself of that?
A warning bell rang in the back of my mind, but I shut it off. “I could check to see if there’s coffee or tea in the kitchen.”
He nodded, nervously. “A cup of tea would be great.”
Worried that Brodan seemed anxious when I didn’t think he ever got nervous, I shot him a wary look and wandered into the kitchen.
What I hadn’t noticed before was that Arro had left me a hamper filled with tea and coffee, biscuits, crackers, cheese, and all different snacks.
Warmth filled me. She was a good ’un, that Arrochar Galbraith.
A few minutes later, I returned to the living room to find Brodan had shrugged out of his jacket and was sitting on one of the sofas. I set down the tray of tea and snacks, took hold of my cup, and sat on the opposite sofa.
“Help yourself to some snacks. Arro left me a hamper.”
Brodan smiled. “She’s very mothering under that no-nonsense facade.”
“She’s been lovely to me.” I met Brodan’s gaze.
Before, I hadn’t thought him entitled to know, but after hearing about his letter, I decided to put the information out there.
“I don’t remember most of that night with Arran.
I was so drunk … all I really remember is you showing up.
And I got so drunk because Arran confirmed you were serious about Vanessa. ”
He studied me with such a neutral expression I didn’t know what to think. Then Brodan sighed heavily. “I told you the truth—I’m not angry about that night anymore. Arran and I got over it. Besides, as Arran has reminded me many times, you weren’t my girlfriend. I made sure of that.”
I wanted to ask why, but I was afraid he’d misinterpret my need to know the truth as evidence I could be won over again.
Brodan settled back against the sofa, the shadows of sadness in the back of his eyes pushing to the forefront. I didn’t want to feel sympathy for him, but my love for the boy he’d once been still existed. Still made me feel things I didn’t want to.
“I loved you so much, Roe,” he confessed hoarsely.
Every muscle in my body tensed as my heart leapt in my chest.
I saw the ghosts in his eyes haunting him. And I realized I was one of those ghosts. All this time … I had mattered to him once.
“I was terrified. I am terrified.”
“Of what?”
“Losing you.” He shrugged wearily. “We lost Mum and then my aunt. Watching Dad become this half person without Mum, I never wanted to let loving someone do that to me. When we were kids, it was fine. I feared losing you as I would be of losing anyone I loved, but as we got older and I realized I was in love with you, I tried to bury the feelings.”
Compassion and hurt mingled. “Did you know I was in love with you?”
“I suspected it. Then you told me when you were drunk.”
My cheeks heated, remembering it. “It was mortifying.”
Brodan shook his head. “Never be mortified. It made me so happy, but it scared me shitless more. So I lied to you. I told you I had a girlfriend.”
I jolted. “You lied about Vanessa?”
He nodded, shamefaced. “I thought if you thought I was dating someone else, you’d move on.
” He laughed harshly. “I just wasn’t prepared for what that would look like.
What it would feel like. When I saw you with Arran …
fuck, Roe, it was like someone tore out my guts.
Is that what I did to you? With the girls? With Vanessa?”
I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to relive it. “Brodan …”
“Never mind.” He exhaled. “I lied to Arran about her, too, to sell the lie. But I never lied to her. Vanessa … we were just casual. But bringing her back to the castle sent mixed messages.”
“She thought you were getting serious about her?”
“I made it clear that we weren’t.” He looked agonized now, and my heart raced with trepidation. “I swear, Roe, I made it clear. I’ve gone over and over all the moments together I can remember, and I made it clear.”
“What happened?”
“It wasn’t just on a whim that I came home that night. Something had happened the night before and … I just … needed you.” His eyes brightened. “I’ve told no one this story.”
Blood whooshed in my ears. “Brodan …”
“A group of us went to Vanessa’s house. It was meant to be a casual hang.
She lived in a big house in the country just outside Anstruther.
Her parents were supposed to be down south for the weekend, but they came home that night.
Vanessa left the room to talk with her parents, and we could hear her dad shouting.
When she came back, her cheek was bright red, and I knew the bastard had hit her, but she wouldn’t talk about it.
She told us that her parents agreed we could stay the night, but we had to leave in the morning.
An hour passed, and then her dad came into the room we were all hanging out in, and he had a shotgun. ”
My whole body chilled as Brodan’s voice deepened with the memory.
“Oh my God.”
“He was wasted and easily antagonized. Well … he wouldn’t let us out of the room. He held us at gunpoint, laughing like it was a big joke one minute, foaming at the mouth in rage the next. The girls were crying, even a few of the lads. The bastard didn’t care he was traumatizing us,” he sneered.
“What happened?”
“He eventually let us leave, but one of the guys called the police, despite Vanessa begging him not to. For Vanessa’s sake, I refused to give a statement.
And because of Lachlan’s fame, they all agreed to keep my name out of it, otherwise it would blow up in the press.
As it was, it made local news, and her dad was arrested.
He did six months for it. I broke off the casual relationship with Vanessa that night.
It was one of the shittiest things I’ve done.
I was young and scared, and I didn’t want to get tangled up in her mess when I wasn’t serious about her.
I know it was selfish. No one could berate me for it more than I already have. ”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, hating that he’d gone through that … and then come home for comfort only to find me with Arran. Suddenly, his violent reaction that night made more sense. He was already on the edge, and we’d flipped him right over it.
“The weeks after it, she texted me. She showed up at my classes, practically begging me to take her back … to help her get away from her dad. I told her I would help her with the latter, but that I couldn’t be her boyfriend.
She didn’t want one without the other.” He shifted forward in his seat. “I was impatient with her.”
Though I’d seen his impatience now for myself, I couldn’t imagine nineteen-year-old Brodan that way. He’d always been so patient and kind.
As if he read my mind, he whispered, “I’d lost you, Roe. Something scary and shitty happened to me, and I needed you, but I’d lost you. You were gone. And it felt like there really was a curse on the men in my family. I couldn’t help her because I was fucking drowning without you.”
At the jagged emotion in his words, tears sprang free before I could stop them. I swiped at my cheeks to rid myself of their trails.
“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad …
I just needed you to know where my head was at.
How messed up I was. I thought you’d abandoned me.
I was angry at you because I missed you so bloody much.
Then … a few years ago, something happened.
Something that really fucked me up, and I’ve had a hard time dealing with it.
I thought I’d dealt with it … until you.
Do you know about Fergus? About Lucy Wainwright? ”
I nodded. “I saw it in the news. And Arro filled me in on a little more.”
“About a year before Fergus went off the deep end, I got word through a friend from uni that Vanessa committed suicide.”
Sympathy for her and for Brodan caused a deep pang in my chest. “I’m so sorry.”
A muscle flexed in his jaw. “A few weeks later, a few of us from that night received letters. Vanessa wrote them before she killed herself. She left them for those of us she felt were to blame for that night and the consequences. In my letter, she … she told me she’d loved me and I’d made her feel like I loved her too, only to abandon her.
To leave her to her father. That she’d wanted me to protect her, and I’d failed. ”
Horror suffused me, and I reached for him, squeezing his hand between mine. “Brodan, no. You are not to blame for the actions of that man. And clearly Vanessa was not in her right mind when she wrote that letter.”
I watched him fight back emotion, and I hated it could still gut me to see him in pain.
“I know that.” He covered my hand with his free one.
“Logically, I know it. But it messed with my head. I fell off the edge. Starting fights, acting like an arsehole on movie sets. The tabloids loved it. Then Fergus and Lucy went after Lachlan, Robyn, and Mac, and it shook me out of my spiral. But it also compounded it. I started seeing a therapist. No one knows. But I had weekly sessions with him for just over a year. It helped a lot. So I thought I’d dealt with it.
But seeing you again triggered it all.” He pulled me toward him, remorse haunting his gaze.
“Roe … I channeled all that anger and fear and hurt into you, and I am so fucking sorry. I cannot even tell you how sorry I am. Every time I think about what I said, what I’ve done, I feel sick to my stomach. ”
Searching his face, every tortured feature, I saw only the truth. “I believe you. And I forgive you.”
Vivid relief slackened his features. “Really?”
I nodded but gently extricated my hands and sat back. He watched my movements with the intensity of a hunter. Disappointment glimmered in his eyes before I even said the words, “But that doesn’t mean I can be with you.”
Brodan swallowed hard.
“I appreciate you telling me all this. It makes sense of so much. And while I think I can try to be friendly … I … that you can hurt me so deeply terrifies me, Brodan. We are not the same people we were back then, and we’re holding on to the love between two kids who don’t exist anymore.”
“I don’t believe that,” he whispered.
Needing to guard myself against him, I stood up. “I can offer you friendship, but nothing more.”
Brodan slowly stood too, towering over me, so goddamn handsome it hurt. “I can accept friendship … but if we’re going to be honest with each other from now on, I should tell you I intend to make you fall back in love with me.”
A bubble of surprised, nervous laughter slipped out. “W-What?”
He nodded, deadly serious. “I’m staying in Ardnoch.
I have no real clue what I’m doing with my life, but the one thing I know is that I’ve missed home beyond bearing …
and Ardnoch isn’t truly home without you, so I’m going to prove to you I can be a better man.
For myself. For my family. For you. And you are going to fall back in love with me. ”
I crossed my arms over my chest at his arrogance. “You’re so sure of yourself?”
Determination gleamed in his eyes. “I know that when I put my mind to something, I rarely fail. Prepare yourself, Monroe Sinclair, because I’m putting my mind to making up for the last eighteen years so we don’t spend the next eighteen without each other.”