Chapter 9
9
KELSIE
T he sun had set over an hour ago, and my nerves were working overtime.
The clubhouse still smelled like spilled booze and old cigar smoke mixed in with the scent of weed. I stared at a crack in the plaster and the busted jukebox, which sat in the corner and didn’t work half the time. Carter had sworn he’d fix it years ago as a project in his free time.
I sat on the worn leather couch and looked over at him. He leaned against the countertop, arms crossed over his chest like he was trying to hold in everything he wanted to say. I knew it had been hard as hell for him to stay back. My brother wanted to spill blood just as badly as the other members.
But he stayed to keep me safe, to make me feel comfortable. Because he knew Knox needed to be the one to fuck shit up.
My fingers twisted together before I started messing with the hem of my shirt. Carter stared at me harder than he ever had. I knew what was going to happen next. There was no escaping telling him the truth about why I had come back.
“You gonna say something or just keep glaring at me like that?” I prompted.
He didn’t respond right away, but then he snorted, the sound very unamused. “Been waiting for you to say something, Kels. Been waiting for you to finally tell my why you left and why you’ve returned.”
I glanced down at where I was nervously fidgeting with my shirt. “I guess that time is now, right?”
He didn’t reply, just watched me intently. I swallowed hard and knew I had to get this over with.
Silence stretched again. I guess that was normal when the truth was heavy.
I looked down at the grease stain near my foot and finally whispered, “It got to be too much, Carter.”
His brow furrowed. “What did?”
When I looked up at him, only a second passed before he moved over to where I was and sat beside me. “This place. The club. Him .” My voice cracked on that last part. “You—Knox—were all so deep in the MC life. I knew there wasn’t anything you guys wouldn’t do to get to the end goal.”
“Kelsie, that’s our life. You knew this from the very beginning.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but then I got with Knox, and I saw all the violence and brutality, and how savage it was to be the significant partner of someone in the club.”
“He didn’t hurt you, di?—?”
I cut him off by shaking my head. “God, no. He’d never hurt me.”
I felt and saw Carter relax.
“I know how loyal you all are, so ready to bleed for the MC and everyone they hold close.” I shook my head again, gathering my thoughts. “I felt like… if I stayed, that darkness would consume me, and I’d fall down a hole I’d never be able to crawl out of.”
He stayed quiet and listened, but his jaw was clenched.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “I never told him this, but one time, I came to the clubhouse late. I don’t even remember why I did. But I saw Knox carrying a dead body to a van and tossing it in the back. I stayed hidden and just watched.” I cleared my throat, remembering that night. “I followed them, Carter.”
“Fuck, Kels,” he cursed, and I felt his tension.
“I saw Knox bury that body with his bare hands. I heard him talking shit to the corpse.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I know the asshole he killed wasn’t a good guy, but hearing Knox replay what he’d done, picturing it, was like a hot knife in my chest.”
“I’m sorry you had to see that shit, Kelsie, but you shouldn’t have been sneaking around. Things are kept from you for your own safety.”
I nodded. “I saw what Knox was capable of. What he was willing to do for the club.” I looked at my brother. “I wasn’t even shocked. I wasn’t scared. I was terrified , because I knew I could easily… accept it all, no matter what.”
“Did you tell Knox any of this?”
I nodded but then shrugged. “In a way, yes. I didn’t admit I watched him bury that man. I told him all but that though.”
Carter nodded and gave a grunt of acknowledgement. “Probably for the best. Knox doesn’t want you to see that shit.”
I stared at my brother, knowing I had only told him the first part of my story.
“You loved him,” Carter said, more a statement than a question.
“I do. Very much. So much it made my chest ache. But caring for a man like Knox felt like loving a deadly weapon.”
He exhaled through his nose. “So, you ran.”
I nodded but didn’t respond.
“I don’t fault you.”
“I couldn’t breathe here anymore,” I whispered.
Carter looked at me for a long time, gaze soft and loving. “And now you’re back.”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah.”
“And why did you come back?”
“Because I was tired of running. I felt just as lost and empty all these years later as I did when I first ran. More, actually. Because I was alone.” I thought about the life I’d made on my own. It had been pointless and empty. I worked and went home, repeating the process day in and day out. I had friends, but they weren’t genuine. “I lost myself out there, trying to pretend I didn’t miss home. Didn’t miss you. And even if this place still scares the hell out of me sometimes… I missed it. I missed me .”
His eyes searched mine. “And so you came home.” He didn’t wait for me to respond. “But that’s not the real reason, is it?”
I hesitated. “No.”
“Tell me, little sister.” Carter’s voice was soft, gentle even.
I took a deep breath and just said what needed to be said. “I didn’t come back only because I missed you and Knox,” I said, keeping my eyes on the worn wood of the table just up ahead of me. “I came back, because I had no choice. For years, I stayed away, thinking it was for the best. But deep down, I knew I was wrong. But running didn’t stop the evils and dangers of the world from finding me.”
I looked at my brother then. He was silent and still and just listened to what I had to say.
“Trouble had a way of finding me, no matter how far away I went.” I twisted my hands in my lap. “This man… he started showing up wherever I worked and wherever I lived, even after I would move on to somewhere else and keep my shit private. Notes on my windshield, calls from blocked numbers.” The air in the room changed instantly, growing frigid as my brother listened. “At first, I thought I was being paranoid, but I knew the truth. I knew he followed me, and at my last place, I realized he went even further than that. He’d been coming into my apartment and watching me sleep.”
This low growl left Carter, and I placed a hand on his, willing him to just listen.
“I didn’t plan what happened next.” My throat closed as I remembered that night. “I just reacted when I caught him following me home after work one night. But I was prepared. Had pepper spray and a knife.”
“Jesus Christ, Kelsie.” The genuine concern in Carter’s voice was nearly tangible.
“There was a struggle… and he didn’t make it out of it. I left him in the alley behind a dumpster.”
“Holy fucking shit. You sure he’s dead?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yeah. I stood over him, watching as he bled out and took his last breath.” I knew in that part of the city, in that section of town, there were no cameras, no witnesses to put me there. “I’m no different from Knox, from you… hell, from any other killer.”
“Kelsie—”
“No, Carter,” I said, cutting him off. “I’m not, and you know what?” I stared into my brother’s eyes, ones just like mine. “I’m fine with it. I accept it. This is who and what I am, and it’s what saved my life that night. And last night.” I breathed out, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.
“You gotta tell Knox this.”
“I know. I will,” I whispered. “So, yeah… I not only came back for Knox and what I feel for him, but also because I was too damn empty out there alone. It was all too much, Carter. I needed to come home.” I shrugged. “I don’t know if I came back to find closure with him… or myself. Or to just accept that I am meant to be here. Either way, it’s that last one that ended up happening.”
Carter stood and helped me to stand. Then he pulled me into a hug. Before my arrival, it had been years since I felt my brother’s strong arms wrapped around me and keeping me safe. Now, I never wanted to go a day without them ever again.
“I should’ve protected you better,” he said into my hair.
“I needed to learn to protect myself in this world, brother.”
We stood there in the middle of the clubhouse like we were kids again, knowing that at the end of the day, the only ones we could count on were ourselves.
But now? Now, I was ready to start my life and actually live it.