Chapter 10
Chapter 10
Prairie Rose
“We promised we weren’t going to say anything or interfere, but we’re worried about you. You aren’t sleeping, are you?”
“Are you?’ Prairie Rose shot back at her sister. They walked single file through the woods since the snow had drifted between the trees and was waist-deep in spots.
There’d been more snow that winter than any she could ever remember, and it was far from over. Anyone who thought March was the start of spring hadn’t experienced a Wyoming winter.
Briar May grinned from behind her, rubbing at her dark ringed eyes with her mittens. “No, but I have a baby, so at least I have an excuse.”
“You don’t just look tired. You look… heartsick.” Zora was at Briar May’s back. Kieran’s mate wore the same worried expression as her sister. “We all know it hasn’t been an easy transition. Three weeks later and the growing pains are still unreal, but at the same time, it’s only been three weeks. That’s no time at all.”
It had been enough time to hastily assemble extra cabins for the new families. They always had a few spares that were freshly built, but the influx of people had filled those. While the rest had stayed at Kieran and Zora’s large cabin because it had so many extra rooms, the pack worked tirelessly assembling new cabins from the lumber and logs that weren’t quite there with their seasoning, but would have to do.
The newcomers, both men and women, had thrown themselves into the building of those cabins. It was something they could do to physically forget their grief.
Reading the thoughts straight off her face, Briar May set her hand gently on Prairie Rose’s shoulder, stopping her along the snowy path she’d been charging through. Exercise was also a way to channel one’s energy, and even though her legs were burning, she appreciated it because it distracted her from the pain in her chest.
“Castor thought Agnar would be out there helping build those cabins. He would never say so to me outright, but I can tell how worried he is about him. You and the boys too, by extension.”
“I understand why he goes to the woods every day and why he stays there.” Zora turned her head up to the treetops like they held answers, and she could commune with them. If anyone could, it was her mom, Brooke, but Zora had gifts that she wasn’t even willing to admit to herself. She was half wolf, but often it seemed that she was the most in touch with nature out of any of them.
“Three weeks isn’t much,” Prairie Rose echoed. “But it’s three weeks into six months. I feel like we have a deadline and it’s going to turn into a death sentence. If I fail, Agnar is going to leave here and find his own demise somehow. He truly believes that’s all there is left for him. I don’t know how to change his mind. I feel like I’m all that stands between him and oblivion.”
Briar May tramped through the snow. All three of them wore black snowsuits, heavy boots, and mittens. Normally, they just donned sweaters and lined wind pants since as shifters they ran hot, but in the last week, the weather had turned biting. It was still snowing every single day anyway. Her sister’s hand settled on her shoulder. “That’s a hard burden to bear, sister mine. Far too heavy.”
“You should talk to my mom,” Zora suggested. She cleared a different path, walking up on the two of them so they were huddled together. The wind whipped through the trees, the sky a leaden gray above them, heavy with low hanging clouds promising yet another afternoon of swirling snowflakes. “As a healer, other people perceive her that way. Like this line that separates them from living and dying. It’s a lot, and she’s had to live with the burden that comes with healing and birthing and guiding people past this life for many years.”
“I never thought about it like that.”
“It’s too much for you,” Briar May insisted. Prairie Rose wanted her to be able to lean on her sister and Castor as well as the rest of their family, but it was just hard. All of it. “You’re trying to help the boys understand why their father isn’t someone they recognize anymore. You’re trying to call him back or build a bridge for them to get to where he is now, but that’s too much for anyone. You need to let us help.”
Prairie Rose studied her black mittens. “I don’t know how. I would if I could, and I truly mean that. I’m not trying to do this alone. It just is a lonely, narrow path.”
Briar May hesitated. She didn’t want to admit that was true, but in the end, she had to. “Castor has tried talking to him. Every day. Kieran too. He’s not having it.”
“He’s shut himself up to endure these six months like a trial. He truly believes that he is nothing. A ghost. That he has nothing left inside him.” In just three weeks, Agnar’s appearance had changed. He’d lost weight and his features had sharpened. The anger and the grief weren’t obvious in his eyes, but the blankness was. He was an empty shell inside and out. “He’s been completely shattered. How do you put someone back together when all you’re holding in your hands is dust, yet they’re right there, alive and breathing?”
Zora hummed under her breath. She looked at her like she was going to shatter into pieces too, and more than anything, Prairie Rose hated that. “Greif lasts a lifetime, and this is grief like he’s never known. Kieran would never get over it if something happened to our pack like that. Your dad wouldn’t have either, no matter how much of a wise and wonderful mate your mom was.”
“I can’t accept that. I can’t believe that this is it.”
“I didn’t mean—”
Briar May interrupted Zora, her expression hardening. “Sometimes, you just have to let go.”
No. No fucking way.
“I’m not letting go,” Prairie Rose hissed. She whipped herself away from both women and gave them her back. She needed to get a handle on the anger born of sheer hopelessness and a heart that just kept breaking down further, but she couldn’t. “You go tell Levi and Blake that their father isn’t worth fighting for. You go tell those two little boys that their dad is going to leave and he’s never coming back. Go explain to them how that’s best for them!”
“I didn’t mean it like that, sweetheart.” Her sister wrapped her arms around her from behind. “I meant, sometimes we have to let go of what we want or what we think is best.”
Prairie Rose let out a massive exhale. “I’m sorry.”
She leaned hard into Briar May, soaking up her warmth. Castor was back at their cabin, watching Sadie while she napped so that they could go on this walk. Levi and Blake were both at school, as were Zora’s twins. She appreciated the companionship and wisdom of these women more than she could ever express.
“I’m sure he does already. He’s choosing to ignore it.”
“I don’t know about that. Don’t be angry with him.”
She turned back to them. Both women shone with compassion and radiated kindness. They didn’t come out here to pity her.
“It’s hard when I want to castrate him every day for the misery I see on my sister’s face,” Briar May admitted. “We were mated on the same day, you and me, Castor and Agnar. I’m happy. I have a healthy mate and a lovely daughter. We’re a family. I have so much love in my life, and it hurts me so much to see this happening to you. I have to stop myself from thinking that Agnar’s heart is so ruined that nothing can grow there again. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s not your responsibility to try to plant in contaminated soil. No one can change anyone. Don’t make the mistake of believing you can and that you failed. You’ll live with that guilt for the rest of your life, and it will eat away at you eventually.”
Briar May was right and what she said was true, but it was hard to hear.
“He doesn’t let me touch him.” That was a painful admission. Never in her whole life had she ever told anyone about anything so private. None of her family or anyone else in the pack knew about Sagen. She’d been young and foolish, and she’d kept her inevitable heartbreak a secret so that her brothers and her dad wouldn’t go out and crack his skull and start a war after he mated someone else. He’d never made her any promises and she had to be mature enough to see that when it ended. He’d never lied to her, never cheated on her. She wanted him and he wanted her. To her, at the time, that was love. To him, it was something else entirely.
Both women raised brows at that and then they settled into identical frowns.
“Zora, your mom worked wonders with his hands, and they’ve mostly healed. I know they’ll never be how they were, and he knows he’ll never be the man he was when I met him, but that’s not what I want. I just want him. Here. Now. He can’t feel anything if he won’t try. He shuts me out intentionally. He barely acknowledges the boys even though they all sleep in the other room at night. He takes the floor. His body has healed, but his spirit is so broken.” She had to look down at the snow gathered around her knees in a solid white drift because her face was on fire. She felt like she was betraying Agnar in the worst way, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“What?” Zora gasped in surprise. Prairie Rose was similarly shocked, her younger sister had always seemed so na?ve.
“I would never breathe a word of that if I didn’t think it literally was a life-or-death issue. You can never say anything. Please,” she said, her cheeks flushed pink. More from her confession than the chill air.
“I would never dream of telling your secrets,” Zora said.
Prairie Rose blinked past frosted eyelashes. “Neither would I. I know you both won’t say anything about what I’ve said either.” She really thought about what Briar May was saying. “You think I can just force myself on him? I don’t know… that sounds all wrong.”
“Not force like that. I don’t even know what I’m saying. Just force as in force him to feel. Feel something. Feel anything. Make a start. Chip away that first block of ice.”
“What if I do and he hates himself for it? What if that’s more damaging than anything?”
Briar May took her mittened hand again and squeezed, so she could feel her fingers through the fabric. “I don’t think he could hate himself more than wishing he was dead.”
“What I said was a bad example. I’m not even talking about what lovers do. Are there other ways you can show him? Can you go to the woods and find him? None of us have tailed him there. We all thought leaving him alone was best, but he’s getting worse, not better. Or staying the same and the same is rock bottom, so that’s no good. Could you go there and just sit with him? Maybe take his hand if he’ll let you?”
Was taking his hand ever going to be enough? Was anything she was capable of at all going to mean anything? “He was a warrior. An alpha. Now, he’s nothing. He was betrayed numerous times. Beaten. He’s lost everything for believing in peace and freedom.”
“The remainder of his pack doesn’t hate him,” Zora assured her, even though she already knew that was true. “They respect him still, even the ones who were restless under the peace. They’ve all shared with Kieran that after nearly being wiped out, they want to for once feel the warmth of the sun, plant a garden they’re going to harvest, feel the seasons change with certainty, watch their children grow and their friends get old. That doesn’t mean they’ve stopped working or that they’ll stop training. Kieran is working with some of our men to put a more rigorous program into effect in the spring for anyone who wants to learn. More than just the self-defense we were taught. Not to go to war, but to protect ourselves in case something ever does happen.”
“Thank you, Zora. Truly. I do know that, and so does Agnar, but he refuses to hear it. I get what Briar May is saying with force. Force the words into his heart. Get under his skin. Make him hear. Lead him out.”
“If he won’t let you do it as a human, you could shift. Make him shift too. Kick his ass in your wolf form. Bite him. Scratch him. Make him hurt. Make him bleed. At least he’ll feel something that way.”
She was slightly alarmed at her sister’s suggestion. “There has to be a middle ground between holding his hand and physically harming him. I don’t want to do that either.”
“Get him to train you. Teach you weaponry,” Zora suggested. “When the winter ever leaves, you could show him our ways. Show him how to plant. How to grow. How to appreciate the things we love in our land.”
“He had an Earthship. He knows more about the land than we could ever imagine. They survived in the desert for generations. We’ve been given land where it’s easy to thrive.”
“Maybe training is still the answer. You could take the boys with you too. Do it after they’re done with school for the day.”
She shrugged, “I know his hands have almost healed, but what if helping me train makes him even more upset. If he realizes he’s not as fast or as skilled as he used to be.”
“You’ll never know until you try,” Zora responded.
She should at least be willing to consider Zora’s suggestion. “Maybe just me first. At least if he’s unresponsive to that, the boys won’t take it personally.”
“It’s like he’s on autopilot,” Briar May said. She was getting that stubborn and determined look she was known for. “Reboot him. If there’s one thing a man is guaranteed to feel, even when he doesn’t want to, it’s desire. He wouldn’t have gone through with the mating if he thought you were a hag. You’re physically pleasing to him on some level. It’s not manipulative to tap into that. You wouldn’t be using your body against him. Bring out the beast in him physically. You’re a wolf. You can handle a little rough play.”
“No! What if he hurts her?” Zora protested.
“He would never hurt me,” Prairie Rose knew without a doubt that was true. The way he’d come to his senses when she’d startled him, showed her that.
“Rough men need a physical outlet. Sometimes it’s the only way they can communicate. They’re not talkers. They’re doers. He’s been removed from one life, violently, and dropped into something completely different.” Briar May knew about this. She was mated to a man who was very much like Agnar.
“Kieran wants to have a community event.” Zora was very good at changing subjects when things got uncomfortable. She was incredibly diplomatic and gentle, wise and understanding. She truly listened. She made a great alpha female, and she reminded Prairie Rose very much of her own mother. “A fire and a run to welcome the newcomers as part of us. They’ll take oaths to the pack. He doesn’t know when to do it. If Agnar doesn’t swear an oath or want to be part of this, he’s worried it will only confuse and hurt the others who still look to him. They recognize Kieran would be their alpha, but Agnar is still a powerful man.”
“He would never do anything to harm this pack or Kieran,” Prairie Rose bit out, still defensive of Agnar even though she was first and foremost a member of the Nightfall Pack and always would be.
“I know. I’m sorry, that’s coming out all wrong. I told him it’s best to do it later, maybe even in the summer. We have time. We can wait. This is a hard and painful adjustment, and no one needs to rush. But what about a family dinner at our cabin? Maybe Mom or Dad could say something, or Kieran, or Castor together? I don’t know. It’s just a thought.”
“I’d love to come for dinner.” She turned and started clearing the trail again, needing to get moving since the numbness was settling into her toes and legs even with heavy clothes and boots on. That said nothing for the restlessness growing inside her. “The boys too. I’ll make sure Agnar comes. It can’t hurt to try.”
“I still think physical brutality is the only language he’s looking to speak right now. He needs an outlet for all that hurt,” Briar May said from behind her.
“I’ll ask him about the training. Anything else is—”
“Anything else is risking more heartbreak. I do see that. I see it and it makes me furious, even though I know if it was Castor, I would do anything including fight my own family.”
Prairie Rose turned and saw the furious determination etched into her sister’s face. Not just for herself and her mate, but for her family. She’d be willing to do anything to help her. Zora too. Any of her family would. Anyone in the pack, probably. That kind of love shot straight through her, warming the ice that felt so much like hopelessness.
“Kieran and I fought against what your parents wanted too,” Zora reminded them. “They made him reject me, but when we came back together all those years later, we were able to fight for us as a family. Having kids changes everything. We’ll do everything we can for you and for Levi and Blake, and of course that means doing anything and everything we can as a pack for Agnar. You can come to us anytime.”
“Any of us. We love you. All of you.”
“Thank you. Both of you.” She hugged both women furiously, their breath puffing out and melting against each other’s cheeks.
It was so easy for Zora and Briar May to tell her that because they’d grown up with it. They’d been taught by their parents and their pack, or in Zora’s case, by her incredible mother, what it was to be loved and cherished and have family. They could go to anyone and talk about their feelings. They could share what was hurting them and were encouraged to grow in their interests and passions.
It was instinctual for her to want to shield the boys from the worst of the world, even though they’d already experienced so much. She was afraid they’d stumble and fall and that they’d get hurt, physically or otherwise, because that was every parent’s fear. Shielding a child came first. Always.
What if it didn’t?
She knew nothing about how Agnar was raised. She knew nothing about his parents. What had he been taught? What was his family like? What things had he seen when he was young and still developing? How much blood? How much hate? How much violence? How much love and peace and care? Had he ever seen the beauty of life? Had he known the wonder that family could be? Or had he built his life on that same mountain of pain it seemed like he’d been climbing for a very long time? If he was hurt before, he wanted to hide it. So many amazing assets and facets of a person had been treated as a weakness to scorn. He was a predatory animal, and it was in his nature to hide his wounds, but how much of that was due to nurture? If he was never properly taught or shown love, how could he even recognize it for what it was?
There were so many kinds of love. She didn’t doubt that he loved his children, but was the rest of his life just wrapped in obligation? Having a duty as a man and a leader was different than genuine friendship and family.
She had no idea where to go or what to do, but one thing was clear. She couldn’t do it if she didn’t have time, and at the moment, time was ticking away and steadily evaporating.
Time might be able to heal, but it could also be the enemy.