Chapter 15
Fifteen
Rattlesnake—Jack Van Cleaf
I n regard to willpower, I’d always thought I had a lot.
I’d quit cocaine, sugar, processed carbs. Had been employed by some of the baddest assholes in the world. Worked eighteen-hour days. Had pushed myself to the brink working my ass off, getting to the top.
I’d persevered through situations I thought would kill me and came out on the other side. I’d seen things that made me want to scream into the darkness when the nightmares woke me, but I kept my lips closed.
But I lasted only three days in my resolve to stay away from Elliot. He was not like any kind of drug, donut or high I’d ever chased before.
Maybe because he was inherently bad for me. He was the only thing that I’d enjoyed, become addicted to, that wasn’t harmful to me.
It was the other way around. I was harmful to him. But Fiona’s words echoed in my brain, her accusation that I was being a coward. Then there was the memory of Elliot’s smell, touch, and the safety I felt with him.
While driving to the gym, I told myself that I could burn off all that yearning with a hard workout, that I’d push my body to its limits. I could get back to the diet of deprivation both in regard to food and attractive fishermen.
Yet I ended up at his place. It was early in the morning on a weekday, so I assumed he wouldn’t be home.
He’d be fishing. That’s what I’d told myself when my car found itself cruising in the direction of his house.
I was just going to cast my eyes upon the place that contained a different version of me.
Except I’d memorized the fishing schedule and had made it my business to know the timetable of Shaw and Sons departure dates. He wasn’t set to leave until the weekend.
I wasn’t one to leave my fate up to chance, to leave it to ‘destiny’ to decide whether we would cross paths. I didn’t let anything—let alone some made up concept for atheists and believers alike to rely on—control my life.
I was the only one who controlled my life. Until Elliot gave me the blessed break from that, which I hadn’t known my body had been craving even more than carbs.
And my resolve, my willpower, the promise I had made myself… All the reasons why not all faded away on my drive to the gym as I turned left instead of right and went to his cabin.
His truck was there. So, not at the restaurant or with his family or with some other woman. My ego was big enough to delude myself into knowing he wouldn’t be with another woman. If there was another woman in Jupiter who could sate his needs, he would’ve already been with her.
After parking my car, I didn’t get out right away.
I gripped the steering wheel, gazing at the front door of the house, squinting at the windows, trying to talk myself out of such a rash decision.
Though the time to talk myself out of being there was when I wasn’t within sight of the house.
If he was home, then he likely could see me sitting there, staring at his house like a maniac.
Yet I sat there for another handful of minutes, my stomach churning.
It was a choice, getting out of the car, knocking on the door.
Elliot had made it clear that he was not going to allow some kind of fuck buddies situation.
He’d made it clear that he had feelings for me.
Real feelings. That he intended on pursuing some kind of real relationship.
By coming to him, I was cosigning on that relationship. On that four-letter word. The prospect of it being a reality instead of some obscure concept I thought I’d never actually feel nor have felt toward me by a romantic partner.
The two things I’d promised myself I’d never have in life, let alone in a city I was only staying in temporarily.
The reasons why not were infinite.
Yet I got out of the car, my heart slamming against my ribs as I reached up to knock on the door. It opened before my knuckles could meet the wood.
Elliot didn’t look surprised to see me. The hunch that he’d been watching me in the car from his window seemed correct since his face was relaxed, eyes twinkling with warmth and amusement.
“You decided to come in, I see.” His smoky eyes ran up and down my body with a hungry edge that conflicted with his charming tone.
My skin vibrated under his gaze, reflexively responding to the juxtaposition of this man who smiled easily and was polite yet also ordered me on my knees without a second thought.
My hands curled into fists, nails biting into my palms at the thought of being on my knees, with the hunger I had for him.
“Against my better judgment.” My voice was hoarser than I intended. I was angry. Angry for being so weak, angry at Elliot for being the cause of that weakness, for overcoming all of my barriers and looking so fucking smug about it.
He leaned against the door, not seeming in a rush to get me inside or get my clothes off. I knew he was attracted to me, could feel the intensity between us, saw the desire right there in his eyes.
Did he not have overwhelming urges like I did? Or was his self-control somehow stronger? The latter was definitely true since he was not the one who was at my doorstep right then.
“Against your better judgment?” He arched a brow.
I nodded. “This is a bad idea” I repeated what I’d already said countless times. I was a broken record, so annoying of me. I didn’t repeat myself.
“Yet you’re here,” he winked.
“I’m known to indulge in bad decisions on occasion,” I shot back.
His eyebrows danced, not affected by my tone, smiling. “I consider it an honor, Calliope Derrick, that you’re indulging with me.”
My breath hitched every time he said my full name, like it was somehow a sexual act yet reverent and special at the same time.
Our gazes locked, and neither of us said anything, birdsong filling up the silence between us.
Though I was desperate for him, I was not going to make the first move.
I’d already made the first move by coming there, hadn’t I?
Admitted defeat, proving that I wasn’t strong enough to resist Elliot and stupid enough to engage in a relationship with him.
He blew out a breath, and I felt it on my face, smelling of mint and him. “Since you’re here, you can come with me.” He stepped out the door so our bodies were squeezed together on his front step.
I attempted to step back, but his hand flew to my back, holding me to him tighter as he closed his door.
He snatched my chin, lifting my face upward.
“Made my day.” His eyes searched my face as his thumb brushed my bottom lip. “And perhaps a lot more than that, seeing you pull up, trying to convince yourself not to get out of the car and doing it anyway.”
My chest seemed to weigh a thousand pounds as it crushed against my heart, lungs, all my vital organs as I stood in Elliot’s arms.
“I’ll prove this isn’t a bad decision, Calliope,” he murmured gently.
My body was struggling to stay upright and continue functioning under the power of the look he was giving me, the intimacy behind it.
So I didn’t speak. Didn’t need to. Surely, he was going to kiss me, and then I wouldn’t have to fill this silence with words I wasn’t practiced in. Words I wasn’t capable of.
I was going to die if he didn’t kiss me. His face was inches away. My eyes were already heavy in preparation.
But he didn’t. He stepped back, grabbing hold of my hand and pulling me down the cobbled path of his front yard.
I’d only properly registered that he was dressed in another cable-knit sweater—this one a dark navy—a beanie, curls escaping from the sides, faded jeans and some tennis shoes.
He looked exceptionally effortless, masculine and attractive.
He was obviously getting ready to go somewhere when I arrived.
And had I pulled in just a few minutes later, he might not have been here.
I might’ve been able to fortify my shields and form concrete resolutions to stay away from him.
A slow vehicle in front of me, a fender bender, a fucking deer on the road… All things that might’ve saved me from this decision. My watertight belief that there was no such thing as fate was starting to leak.
It took a handful of Elliot’s long strides for me to gain my bearings. We were not heading to his truck but along a well-worn path that led to the woods that bordered his house.
“Where are we going?” I demanded.
As much as I enjoyed Elliot taking control in sexual situations, I didn’t like him literally leading me into the woods for reasons unknown. Unless those reasons were fucking in the dirt. And it was cold. It had rained last night, so the ground was too muddy for that.
“For a walk,” Elliot stated blandly, as if it was obvious. As if us going on a fucking walk after one of the most pivotal points in my life was second nature.
“A walk ?” I tried to pull my hand from his grip, but he only tightened his fingers.
I could’ve tried to plant my feet on the ground like an unruly toddler, but I wasn’t ready to get that undignified, and I liked Elliot’s warm, dry hand in mine. The crunch of dirt under my shoes, the light filtering through the canopy of the trees.
“We’re not having sex?” Despite all of the nice things, none measured up to sex with Elliot.
I’d set this whole fucking forest on fire if it meant sex with Elliot.
I felt his low, throaty chuckle in my lower belly. “We’ll be having a lot of sex, Calliope.” He glanced at me, dark and hungry. “I may take you right here in the dirt if I feel like it.”
My body rejoiced at him verbalizing what I’d dismissed only minutes ago. I instantaneously changed my mind. Who cared about a little bit of mud?
“I’m in charge,” he reminded me as he kept our pace. “You coming here was agreeing to that, was it not?”
I pursed my lips together, not doubting my decision for a moment. Because instead of stoking the fire of feminism in my body by suggesting he was in charge of me, it only served to electrify my salacious nerve endings.