Chapter 6
Lila
My heart is racing as I take the elevator down to the lobby.
Had Max Spector really just stuck his thumb in my mouth and then sucked it?
It was the most sensual, non-explicit interaction I’ve ever had in my life, and I cannot wait to tell someone.
I also can't believe I lied and told him I have a boyfriend. I’m not sure if it was to protect myself from him or to stop myself from dropping to my knees and telling him I wanted to see if he was as big as his attitude said he should be.
I wait until I leave the building before I pull my phone out and call Zara. She answers on the second ring. Thank God for good friends.
My face burns like I’m standing next to a fire.
Way too close to the flames. Maybe I should see it as a warning that I’m out of my comfort zone, but I’ve never been one to stay in my lane.
A part of the reason why I love acting is that I enjoy the drama of it all; now that it’s a part of my real life, I’m not sure how to feel.
Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. I feel exhilarated.
I am finally living a life that is worthy of a daytime soap opera.
“How did you…” My voice trails off as it suddenly strikes me that she's talking about the audition and not my walk on the wild side.
"Oh, not well," I say. For some reason, I feel embarrassed to tell Zara that I didn’t go to the audition. I don’t want her to know that I let my nerves and fear get the better of me.
I really want to pursue my dream of acting full-time, but my low bank account balance means that I can't just give myself entirely to that endeavor.
I suppose that's a sign that I'm a real adult now. It's a cold slap in the face as I realize that my livelihood is completely on me now. I have no backup plan. I need to make money. And it's not like I'm the only person in the world with a boss that I'm unsure about.
"I'm so sorry, Lila. I'm sure you'll get the next one."
"Oh, I didn't even audition," I say quickly, not wanting to be duplicitous. She is my best friend, after all. "The line was tremendously long, like over a hundred girls, all of whom really seemed to know the part well and…"
"You didn't audition?" Zara is silent for a beat. "But you really wanted that role. You were so excited. What happened, Lila?"
"I just didn't think I was going to get it. And there was the job fair I wanted to go to, and…" I pause. "I just figured it was smarter for me to try and get a job before auditioning for a role I didn't think I was going to get."
"If this is about money, Lila, I told you I will—"
"No, Zara. No." I am emphatic. "I know you want to help me. I know that you want to be able to tell me that I can just focus on my acting. And as much as I would love that, a part of me would hate myself for it because I would feel like I didn't get there on my own. I would feel like I didn't—"
"But you were there for me," she says softly. "When I needed you, you were there."
"And you've paid me back tenfold," I say. "I'm in my own little apartment now." I pause. "And it's really great."
"Lila, I know you like the back of my hand," Zara says. "Do you want to come and live with me and—"
"No." I cut her off before she can finish.
I know exactly what she's going to say, and while my life would be a lot easier, I know it isn't the path I want to take.
Plus, Zara needs alone time with Jackson.
They need to grow together without me all up in their business twenty-four seven.
No matter how much I miss her. "Yes, I'm lonely.
I mean, I lived with you and Elise and the kids for ages, but I needed to take this step.
I needed to be out in the real world by myself.
I live in New York City, and I've never really experienced everything there is to experience.
I mean, we've had amazing times, but it was different, you know? "
"I know," she says softly, and I can hear slight disappointment in her tone. I know she misses me as much as I miss her. We were practically like twins for the last five years. It feels weird not waking up and chatting with her about life and goals and men. "I just worry about you."
"You don't need to worry about me. Trust me. If shit hits the fan and I can't pay my rent and have nowhere to go, I will for sure be showing up on your doorstep."
"Okay," she says. "I love you."
"I love you, too." I feel a bit emotional now.
It's weird how much you can love a friend.
And how much you can miss them when they no longer have a big role in your life.
It's not like she's gone from my life, but now that she's engaged, she's moving forward.
I'm no longer the first person she will come to about life events.
It strikes me then that I feel a little heartbroken.
I've never felt a bitter-sweet pain like this before.
She's still in my life, but our relationship has shifted.
"Guess what?" I lower my voice slightly because I don't want to be overheard by the other people walking down the street, just in case they know Max.
"What?" she asks excitedly, and I wonder if I'd been a bit too dramatic with my delivery.
"You are never going to believe this, but I got myself in way over my head." I realize that my word choice is not optimal. I sound like a character in a movie who has just robbed a bank by mistake—-if one can rob a bank by mistake, that is.
"What are you talking about?" She sounds confused.
"I got a job." My voice is still low.
"That's amazing! Congratulations, Lila. Wow. That was fast." She sounds more shocked than I feel. "Doing what, exactly?" she asks nervously, and I'm sure she's wondering if I'm somehow a paid escort or something and didn't realize it.
"It's at a law firm, but I kind of fucked up already."
"What do you mean, you kind of fucked up? How can you fuck up in a couple of hours?" She pauses. "And what do you mean, at a law firm? What are you doing at a law firm?"
"I'm an assistant to one of the partners," I say quickly. "But that's not how I fucked up."
"How did you fuck up, Lila?"
"I kind of asked my boss if he wanted to get into a dominant-submissive relationship with me.” I know I’m being overdramatic. The conversation hadn’t exactly gone that way, but in my brain, it had been that bad.
"You did not," she screeches. "Oh my gosh, no way."
"I totally did. Well, I didn’t say those words exactly, but I may or may not have made the point to ensure he knew I wasn't that kind of woman.
I said that I wasn't interested in taking any offers for one night.
" I groan as the memories hit me. I can still picture the smug look on Max's handsome face as we’d spoken.
"Lila, what is going on? Did he offer you something to sleep with him for one night? Is that why he gave you the job?"
"He didn't offer me anything," I say. "I just… he gets me so flustered.” The conversation hadn’t been as bad as I was remembering, but…
"What do you mean, he gets you flustered?
" Zara sounds bemused. "Is this someone we know?
Oh, my gosh. You're not working for Hank, are you?
" She says his name distastefully, and I can't help but giggle.
Hank is a guy I kind of went on a couple of dates with and made out with a couple of times.
He's an actor that I met when we starred in a play together.
He was extremely condescending to me, and Zara hated him.
I hadn't really liked him that much either, but I thought if the play took off, it would be kind of cool if we were together.
I had been wrong on all accounts. Being with him hadn't been cool, and the play had been a dud.
In fact, it had been canceled within a week.
"Lila." Zara sounds worried. "Please tell me you haven't let that weasel, Hank, worm his way back into your life."
"It's not Hank. His name is Max. Max Spector."
"Max?" she says slowly. "So you're working for an attorney named Max?" she questions. "He's got you flustered and may or may not have offered you money to be his sub?"
"He didn't offer me anything." I groan. "Let's just say I got caught up in a comment he made, and maybe I overreacted and had verbal diarrhea, but trust me when I say he's not into me like that. To be quite honest, I'm not even sure why he hired me."
"You're his assistant, right? You didn't get hired as an attorney or anything."
"No! Of course not." Even I find her comment absurd. "Though, could you imagine how much money I'd be making? I'd be a baller, shot caller."
"Thank God for that. I didn't want to have to bail you out of jail for fraud. I know how you like to act sometimes, and I wasn't sure if you pretended you were an attorney to get a job. I could just picture you on the news and me standing by your side and—"
"My gosh, you have an overactive imagination, Zara," I say, though her concern isn't far from the truth.
Max had heard me going on about being the best paralegal in the city.
Though he knew those had been only words from a script.
"But no, I'm just his personal assistant.
I'm not even his legal secretary or paralegal because I told him I don't really have experience, and my number one concern in life is to be an actress. "
There's silence on the other side of the phone. "And he hired you after hearing all that?"
"I know," I say. "I'm kind of in disbelief, as well. That’s why I said I’m not interested in being his submissive or signing any nondisclosure agreement for any sort of kinky goings-on. I don’t really know why he hired me.”
“You sure he’s not trying to get into your pants?”