Chapter 5
O
kay, yes, it’s actually two frying pans. And a rug, actually. And pretty soon there’s a broken TV, four electric candlesticks, one ice skate, and something that looks like a black fur hat. That’s how the pile becomes a pile.
Because this is how things have turned out: While the board has been chasing the frying pan culprit, other people have seen an opportunity to get rid of some junk. Because a funny thing about rule-loving people is that to them it seems more important to impose punishment than it is to actually solve problems, and a funny thing about rule-breaking people is that they seem to find breaking rules a lot easier to do if someone else has broken them first. Very few people are really the “throw a frying pan on the sidewalk like it’s nothing” kind of people. But if there is a frying pan there already
, and you happen to have a frying pan of your own that you would like to get rid of? Is that even really a crime, then? It really doesn’t feel that way, does it? Someone’s going to have to haul the first frying pan away anyway, aren’t they, so what difference does another frying pan make? Like almost none, right? And then a person with a rug comes along, thinking, Well, if somebody has to take those two frying pans to the landfill anyway, surely it won’t make much difference if this teeny-weeny rug is there too? And that’s how the pile becomes a pile. And then other people walk by, thinking to themselves, How horrible! A pile of garbage right
here on our nice sidewalk! What kind of criminal would do something so disgusting? Fine, upstanding, selfless citizens like ourselves would certainly never initiate a pile of junk like that! But . . . you know . . . what if the pile’s like . . . already there? Then maybe our small piece of garbage won’t make such a big difference after all?
The board is very, very upset. They look the way small children do when they first learn that fried chicken comes from actual chickens.
“Someone snuck in last night and put all this junk in the pile! Ice Skates! Candlesticks!” Head Number One stammers, as if these are clear signs that they are dealing with a soulless monster.
“Snuck! Like a ninja! There was only one ice skate, so it could be a one-legged ninja!” declares Head Two.
“Those candlesticks were actually really lovely. Candles are the best chance of starting a fire in your home, did you know that?” chirps Head Three.
Lucas scratches his chin a little awkwardly.
“You mean . . . risk
of fire? Not chance
?”
Head Three nods briskly.
“Yes, yes, of course, of course. But a fire can be quite lovely, too, I think!”
“Not now, Linda,” whispers Head Two.
“Sorry,” mumbles Head Three.
Head One shushes both of them, then gestures with a whole hand at Lucas.
“What do you think we should do?”
It takes a long time before Lucas, with horror, realizes that the question is being addressed to him.
“You’re asking . . . me?”
The entire board animal nods.
“We’ve taken a vote and decided that you should be the president of the Pile Committee. Because you seem to have good ideas,” says Head One.
“Good ideas?” Lucas repeats.
“You came up with the idea that anyone who has a new frying pan should be a suspect!” says Head Two.
“I didn’t actually,” Lucas attempts to clarify but is interrupted by Head One.
“So now you’re the president of the Pile Committee! Congratulations! You can’t change the name of the committee because it took a whole extra meeting just to decide on it!”
“I wanted to call it the Pyramid, because it sounds really pretty, plus I think it’s really exciting to think that pyramids were actually burial sites,” chirps Head Three.
“Not now, Linda!” hiss Heads One and Two.
“I absolutely do not want to . . .” Lucas starts but doesn’t get any further before Head One declares:
“It’s already decided! If you didn’t want to be elected president, you should have come to the meeting. Those are the rules!”
“That’s the most illogical thing I’ve ever . . . ,” Lucas stutters.
“What are your orders?” Head One interrupts, like it’s an order.
Lucas stares at them in despair.
“About the pile? Well, how would I know? But maybe I can just go down and . . . take everything to the dump? Will that solve the problem?”
“NO! That’ll teach people that you can throw anything out on the street without consequences! This is about standing up for principles!” shouts Head One.
“So . . . it’s better to have a big pile of junk on the street than to sacrifice our principles?” Lucas wonders.
“Of course! And that’s why we put the barrier tape around the pile! Like with crime scenes in movies!” Head Two says in a way that doesn’t make it entirely clear whether the tape is there mainly to prevent anyone from adding to or removing things from the pile.
“And set up surveillance cameras!” adds Head One.
“Tonight, we’ll identify the culprit and catch them!” Head Two nods.
“And kill them and bury them in the pyramid!” chirps Head Three happily.
Heads One and Two, and Lucas, look at Head Three, somewhat shocked.
“Sorry, it was just a suggestion,” Head Three whispers, a little embarrassed.
“Not now, Linda,” Head One says, before turning impatiently to Lucas and declaring: “Now the pile is your responsibility!”
“Thank you for your commitment!” says Head Two, patting Lucas on the shoulder.
Lucas shudders, because “responsibility” and “commitment” are actually two of the easiest ways of ruining any perfectly good day.
But now it’s too late. Now the unhappy people have already caught him in their trap.