28. Noel
28
Noel
T o his surprise and great relief, Noel arrived at work on Monday morning to discover that both John Sheridan and Paula Swinton were out sick. Whether it was because he was back in the office or because they were both taken out by the same bug, he didn’t care. He had work piled up and waiting for him, something he hated to let happen, and the knowledge that he wouldn’t have to even see John’s scowling mug or Paula’s prim pursed lips for a whole day while he caught up had him pumping the air with his fists in exultation.
With a fresh cup of coffee and some binaural beats music playing through his ear pods, he started his day by sending Addison a text to wish her good morning. She made him promise not to send her anymore plants, at least until she found another spot for them in her apartment, then she asked him how things were going.
I feel like I’ve been granted a miracle, he texted back. I’m the only one here today, and I plan to make good use of having the office to myself.
He ended the conversation with plans to meet her for supper at her apartment. I’m bringing the meal, though. I want you to try the crabcakes from Lux Solaris. He considered just taking her to dinner at the resort’s fine dining restaurant, but he wasn’t prepared to encounter anyone who might be embroiled in his and John’s work debacle. Once things were settled, though, and if everything worked out the way he hoped, he’d bring Addison to the Lux Solaris, and they’d celebrate with a top shelf bottle of champagne.
That evening, Addison excitedly told him about her parents coming to town for an unprecedented visit. “I think they’re going to make it a regular thing, too,” she practically cooed. “Taking time off work to come see me, I mean.”
Noel was thrilled for her. He loved seeing her so happy, and he couldn’t help wondering how different his life would have been if he’d had the kind of relationship with his parents that Addison did. It was unfathomable, considering the people who’d raised him, and he shook his head to unravel that thought, lest it tangle him up in knots. Maybe not of her own volition, granted, but his mother had all but abandoned him to the monster who was his father, and his father hadn’t seemed to care that Noel had all but disappeared from his life.
Until he’d had his stroke. Even then, Bruno had ranted and raved at Noel for helping him.
And now he wants to see me? He scoffed dismissively at the question that popped into his mind. Bruno didn’t want to see him. He wanted to jerk Noel around; that’s what he wanted. He wanted to get in a few more vicious jabs, even if they were only metaphorical, before he took his last miserable breath.
“They are excited to meet you,” Addison said, snapping him out of his dark thoughts.
Noel narrowed his eyes at her, trying valiantly to dredge up his good spirits again. “Oh, great. What have you told them about me?” He was only teasing, but part of him actually did worry. Did they know about his trouble at work? About those days when he’d ignored their daughter? Did they already have a preconceived idea of who he was?
He’d never met the parents of any of the women he’d dated in the past. He’d never wanted to meet any parents before now.
She snickered at the look on his face and reached over to caress his cheek. “Don’t worry. They’re really nice, and they’ll love you because I do.”
Noel froze at her casual statement. She loved him? Her expression remained open and sincere, and it occurred to him that it was quite possible she didn't even realize what she'd just said. They'll love you because I do.
She'd just said she loved him. He hadn't misheard her. It had come out so naturally, so unfettered, and he was certain he knew Addison well enough to know there wasn't a disingenuine bone in her body. If she said it, she meant it, even though it was quickly becoming apparent that she hadn't intended to say so. He replayed her words in his mind, committing them to memory. Because I do. Because I do. Because I do.
"Then I'll love them, too; I have no doubt," he finally said, choosing to tuck her unintentional revelation into his heart for now. He wasn't quite ready to unwrap the gift her words offered; not until he knew better how things would turn out at work.
They sat together on the squishy sofa, Addison turned sideways, her legs crossed so that she was facing him. “I have something to show you,” she said, leaning over and picking up a large coffee table book. She held it out to him.
“What's this?” he asked, peering down at the incredible image of the Northern Lights swirling over enormous ice blocks on a beach. The book was entitled The Edge of the World. “ Where is this?” he amended.
“That’s a rare sighting of active Aurora Borealis in the southern hemisphere on Diamond Beach in Iceland.” Her smile was almost shy, but there was something else shining in her eyes. He thought she seemed proud of the book.
“It’s stunning,” he said as he ran his fingertips over the image. He looked over at her, waiting for her to explain.
“My mom took that photo a couple of years ago,” Addison said quietly, then she pointed at the air just off the edge of the book cover. “I was standing over here. Behind that rocky outcrop.”
Noel’s eyes widened. “You were there? You saw this in person?” Well, that certainly explained the light in her eyes.
Addison nodded slowly, almost sheepishly. “Yeah. I mean, I was only there to help. And to hang out with my parents.” She pointed at the names at the bottom of the cover. Carl and Vivian Wedgewood. “That’s them. They’re photojournalists. This is one of their books from a series they did on Iceland.” She was talking fast, nervously, almost like she felt the need to convince him that what she was saying was true. “And we were just there again last December to do a follow-up magazine article on it.”
“Wow. Addison, this is incredible. I mean, you were there. You witnessed this.” They were exclamations, not questions. Why would she make something like that up? Besides, her name was on the cover of the book. Or her parents’ names. Noel opened the cover and began turning pages, handling the glossy heavy paper carefully. He felt like he should ask for a pair of those gloves people used when handling precious artifacts.
He glanced up to find her watching him, her cheeks pink, her bottom lip between her teeth. She smiled hesitantly and asked, “Pretty cool, huh?”
“This is beyond pretty cool.” He opened to a double-page spread of a wide angle shot taken inside an ice cave of such a crystal blue that it made him blink.
“Ice caves in Vatnaj?kull Glacier National Park,” Addison said, pronouncing the Icelandic name as though she’d said it a hundred times. Maybe she had, he thought with a grin, turning another page. “And that’s Silfra,” she said, pointing at a lake with water so clear it looked like glass. “It’s a fissure that formed between two tectonic plates and it’s filled with natural spring water.”
There were people in snorkeling and diving gear in the water. “You can swim in that? Isn’t it freezing?”
Addison nodded. “You can! It’s a diver’s paradise. They come from all over the world to explore it. Wait until you get to pictures of the world renown Blue Lagoon. The water there is geothermically heated and supposedly has healing and anti-aging properties. It’s this basin of milky blue water dropped into the middle of jet-black lava mountains.”
There was photo after photo of scenery that looked right out of Middle Earth, food so colorful and unfamiliar to him that he had to ask repeatedly what things were, and names of towns he knew he’d never be able to pronounce.
Finally, he closed the book and gave her a long, hard look. “So tell me something.”
“Okay. Sure,” she said, bringing her knees up in front of her and wrapping her arms around them. Her feet were bare, her toenails painted a metallic emerald green.
“Your parents are photographers.”
“Yes. They take pictures of amazing sights around the world.”
“And that’s what you meant when you said that you’d done a lot of traveling.” It wasn’t a question, and he already knew the answer.
“Yes. That was my childhood.” She shrugged, then added sheepishly, “We’ve been to countries in all seven continents.”
Noel set the book back on the coffee table and reached over to put both hands on her knees. He leaned toward her, his face less than a foot from hers. He tried to keep his expression serious. “And you let me try to impress you with all the places I’ve visited here in the United States?”
“Oh. Well, you were impressed,” she began, then shook her head, her cheeks growing pink with embarrassment as she stumbled over her words. “I mean, I was impressed. I am impressed. You’ve seen parts of our country that I haven’t, parts I may never see, since my parents prefer taking pictures in far-off lands and hard-to-get-to locations. I really loved listening to you talk about it all.”
He rolled his eyes and straightened up. “Now you’re just trying to placate me.”
“I am not,” she insisted, grabbing his hand tightly, her expression turning to one of real concern. She pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “I mean it, Noel.”
Noel squeezed her hand back and grinned. “I believe you,” he told her, but still shaking his head. “I’m just shocked that you didn’t tell me about this before now. I mean, wow. Wow!”
She scrunched up her nose and looked over at him from under her lashes. “I always feel like I sound like I’m bragging when I talk about my past. Or at least, I feel like that’s what other people think it sounds like. And ironically, all I’ve ever wanted is this.” She made a sweeping gesture around the room, her smile soft with pleasure. “A place to call my own where I’d wake up in the same bed every morning. To have good friends—maybe even a few best friends, although I know that’s kind of a contradiction in terms. But I think you can have more than one best friend. One friend who’s best at making you laugh, one who’s best at being there when things are tough. One who’s best at helping you make those big decisions in life. Am I making any sense at all?”
Noel smiled and nodded. “Makes perfect sense to me.” Everything about this woman made perfect sense to him.
“I listen to you talk about all the places you’ve been and those you still want to see, and I can only imagine how simple my little world here in Autumn Lake must seem to you.” She cupped her hands like she was holding a small ball. “But in all my life, my heart has only ever wanted a place to call home, to belong, and to have people in my life whom I’ve known long enough to really, truly love.” She drew her shoulders up just a little, and he thought maybe she hadn’t meant to admit quite so much.
He slid over so that he could put his arm around her and pulled her against his side. She relaxed and draped her legs across his lap, resting her head against his shoulder. “A place with a window full of plants?” he asked, then pressed a kiss against her temple.
“And a cat or two.” He could hear the smile in her voice.
They sat that way for several minutes, Noel marveling at the life Addison had lived. How was it that someone so well-traveled, so savvy about the great big world they lived in, could be so happy and content with such a simple life? He gazed around her apartment with new eyes, seeing different parts of the world reflected in the eclectic, colorful décor. It shouldn’t work, all jumbled together the way it was, but somehow, it did. It all felt like it belonged there, pieces of her life surrounding her.
I want to belong here, too, he thought to himself. I want to be an important enough piece of her life to have a place in her world.
He had to sort things out at work first, he knew. With his job on the line, he wasn’t willing to make any commitments or promises he couldn’t keep. But he found himself praying for a miracle, just like Addison had told him to, because he kept finding reasons to want to stay and make a life for himself here in Autumn Lake.
Paula didn’t return to work until Wednesday, but John remained a no-show. Noel greeted her perfunctorily, then went immediately back to his work. The secretary was dressed neatly in one of the prim skirt suits she seemed to favor, her hair carefully styled and sprayed into the immovable helmet she wore to work every day. She sat at her desk in her usual proper posture, shoulders back, ankles crossed, but she looked pale, the dark circles under her eyes alluding to more than one sleepless night.
At first, he tried to ignore her obvious misery. Eventually, though, in spite of his feelings of resentment toward her, he found that he couldn’t just sit by and pretend nothing was out of order. He wasn’t a monster, after all.
Noel picked up his cup and drained the last of his coffee, then he pushed to his feet. “Excuse me, Paula?”
Her head snapped around so fast, he worried she might have hurt herself. “Yes?”
He held up his empty mug. “I’m going to grab another cup of coffee. Can I bring you some?” He wasn’t even sure she’d had any yet; he didn’t see her flowery mug anywhere.
“Oh.” She flushed, then glanced around her desk before folding her hands primly on her lap. “I guess I left my cup in my car.”
“I have an extra one in my desk,” he told her, reaching for the bottom drawer where he had a stash of ‘just in case’ odds and ends. “You’re welcome to use it.”
She swallowed audibly, then blinked rapidly and averted her gaze. Was she crying?
“It’s clean, I promise,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Thank—thank you.” Paula’s voice came out a little above a whisper. “That’s very nice of you. I—I’d love a cup of coffee.”
“Sure thing,” he said, extracting the black stoneware mug from the plastic bag in the drawer. He held it up. “How do you like it? Cream? Sugar?”
She made a valiant effort to smile at him. “Just black. I only doctor up my coffee on the weekends. Makes it feel special that way,” she added, then ducked her head as though worried she’d admitted something too personal to him.
Noel smiled encouragingly at her. “Drinking it black is definitely more business-like.”
Paula nodded and shot him another shy smile. “Right?”
Noel started for the back of the office where there was a small refreshment station consisting of a sink, a mini-fridge, and enough counter space for a coffee maker and little else. There wasn’t even a microwave. But the coffee maker was a high-end single serve brewer, and all three of them made good use of the machine.
She thanked him again when he handed her a steaming cup a few minutes later, then held it close to her face and breathed in deeply of the rich aroma. Instead of returning to his desk, he paused a few feet away, putting enough space between them so as not to make her feel crowded. She looked up at him. “It smells wonderful.”
Noel nodded, took a careful sip of his own hot drink, then in a quiet voice, asked, “Paula, I don’t mean to overstep, but is everything okay? Are you feeling alright?”
Paula set the mug down and slowly straightened the small stack of envelopes she’d been addressing. When she lifted her gaze to his again, there were definitely tears in her eyes. “You’ve always been very… very kind to me,” she began, then opened a drawer and pulled out a tissue from the box tucked inside. She didn’t use it; just twisted it in and around her fingers while she spoke. “John has been—well, he’s been my boss for many years, and I’m good at working with him.”
That was an odd way of phrasing things, Noel thought, trying to keep his expression neutral. He nodded, hesitant to speak or ask for clarification. He wanted to know where this train of thought was leading, and he was afraid that if he interrupted, she’d withdraw. She was obviously feeling vulnerable, if the tears were any indication, and he wa beginning to feel a deep empathy for the position into which she’d been put. Paula was supposed to be support staff for both of them, but her loyalty would reasonably lie with John, if for no other reason than that they’d worked together long before Noel came along.
She pressed her lips together, presumably considering how best to say what she seemed compelled to get out. Then she sighed, but still didn’t meet his eyes. “He’s been… good to me. But then, I’ve never challenged him, even when I don’t agree with him.”
A trail of electricity sparked up Noel’s spine and he straightened. What exactly was she saying?
“I don’t know what happened between you two.” The tissue was quickly becoming tattered in her hands. “And I don’t think I want to know.”
I don’t know either, he wanted to tell her, but he kept his mouth closed, wanting her to keep talking. He took another small step back, not wanting her to feel intimidated in any way. He sipped his coffee quietly while she gathered her thoughts.
Finally, her voice tremulous, she said, “I really need this job. My son…” she began, then broke off. Paula had a large framed photo of her son, Tyler, and daughter-in-law, Janice, on her filing cabinet. When Noel had first moved to Autumn Lake, Paula had been friendly and welcoming, and she’d told him that Tyler was living with ALS. She hadn’t given him much more information than that, but Noel had done enough research since then to know that time was a precious commodity, and that it cost money to make the most out of what little time Tyler had left.
Paula cleared her throat and tried again. “Insurance will only cover so much, and caring for Tyler is Janice’s full-time job,” she managed to get out. She finally met Noel’s gaze. In her eyes, he saw fear, desperation, love for her child, and a steely determination to do whatever she must. “John has seniority, history, connections here.”
“And I’m the new guy,” Noel finished for her. He said the words gently, without judgement. He understood. He really did. John Sheridon was a bully, and like all bullies, he knew his sidekicks’ weaknesses. Paula Swinton believed that she had her job because she was good at working with John, not because she was good at her job. And John let her believe that in order to keep her subservient, even when she, in her own words, didn’t exactly agree with him.
“I’m sorry,” she said so softly he almost couldn’t make the words out. “I can’t afford to lose this job.”
Noel wanted to say that he couldn’t afford to lose it, either, but that wasn’t true, was it? He was a single man with few obligations. Sure, he helped provide for Bruno’s care, but he knew well that his father was living on borrowed time. He had Aunt Gigi, but she didn’t need his money. Her husband had seen to it that her needs would be met after he died, and although she lived very frugally, his aunt truly didn’t want more than what she had. In fact, all she really wanted from him was his time and company. Other than that, Noel could go anywhere, work anywhere, do anything he wanted. He’d made sure of that.
“Excuse me,” Paula said, getting to her feet. “I need to step out for a minute.”
Noel realized he hadn’t responded to her apology. “Of course,” he said, moving quickly to the door of the office suite to hold it open for her. “And Paula, I understand your situation,” he said as she started past him. “You do what you need to do to take care of your family.”
Paula met his gaze again, opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it, her lips forming a tight line. She nodded and hurried out.
John returned to work the next day wearing a surly grimace. He didn’t look in much better condition than Paula, but Noel wasn’t about to ask after his wellbeing. He didn’t plan to engage with the man in any way, whatsoever. Joyce had instructed him to get up and leave the office if John started anything, and Noel planned to do just that, even if the man said so much as ‘hello.’ Someone like John could turn even the most banal salutation into an opportunity for attack. Noel had seen it happen a thousand times or more with his father, and he wasn’t falling for it.
To his surprise, however, not once over the rest of the week did John and Paula sequester themselves in his cubicle like they’d done so many times before. In fact, the secretary appeared to be far busier than she usually was, her fingers flying over her computer keyboard, her eyes fixed on the screen of her monitor. Her inbox of paperwork was empty at the end of every day, and Noel had never seen her desk so tidy. If he had to guess, Paula was doing her best to avoid engaging with John, too.
“I’m not living under any false hope that she’ll shift her allegiance,” he told Addison one evening over chicken chowder and crusty buttered bread. “But I have a lot of sympathy for her. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes right now.”
“I love that you have so much compassion for her, Noel. I’m still praying for miracles. For John’s heart to change or something else that seems highly improbable right now. Nothing is impossible with God, right? I truly believe that.”
Noel nodded, although he wasn’t sure he agreed with her a hundred percent. His aunt claimed that he was living proof that God changed lives. “The fact that you choose to forgive your father and care for him in spite of everything he put you and your mother through is nothing short of a miracle in action.” But she hadn’t witnessed his debilitating panic attacks or seen inside his head when he felt overwhelmed and consumed by the same rage which with his father had scared him so much as a young boy. Aunt Gigi couldn’t possibly imagine how hard Noel worked to not become a man—a monster—like Bruno. She didn’t see the ever-present fear that hovered over Noel at all times: fear of losing control, fear of not being good enough, fear of being sucked back into the black hole out of which he’d crawled all those years ago.
Addison must have read something telling in his expression, because she leaned forward across her little table and covered his hand with hers. “I believe in you, Noel. I believe that things are going to turn out the right way, and that we will see God at work in this whole process. I’m not glad for any of this; don’t get me wrong. I hate that you’re going through this.” She snorted softly and added, “I hate that I can’t do anything to fix it, either, except to feed you and be here for you.”
He met her gaze, lifted her hand to his lips, and kissed her knuckles. “You have no idea how much those very things mean to me, Addison. I love that you have so much compassion for me.” He turned her hand over and pressed a soft kiss into her palm.
She didn’t look away, even though he saw the color suffusing her cheeks. “I like taking care of the people I—” She broke off, swallowed, then said, “The people in my life. It’s what I do best.”
Noel was sure she’d started to say ‘the people I love’ and it stirred up a fire inside of him to think he belonged in that group. But he wouldn’t press her to acknowledge it; not yet. Not because he didn’t feel the same way about her. He did love her, he fully realized in that moment.
Which was why he wouldn’t let himself tell her just that. Because he loved her, he only wanted the best for her. And if things completely unraveled at Carpe Diem, he would be leaving Autumn Lake under the shame of a shattered career, and it would be all his fault.
He couldn’t saddle her with that kind of a future.