Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
KIM CARNES, “I’LL BE THERE WHERE THE HEART IS”
Eve
“What brought you here?” My therapist asked in our one-on-one session. He asked me the same question every time.
Every time, I said, “My parents.”
And every time, he said, “That’s who, not what.”
“They want me to stop drinking, but really, they want me to stop sleeping with the neighbor. I’m an embarrassment.”
That led to the story about my mother swallowing a whole bottle of pills. I always thought we were making progress, but he never stopped asking me what brought me there.
This went on until the week of Thanksgiving. I had ten days before I could check out and be welcomed home.
“What brought you here?” he asked again.
I was feeling down that day. My heart ached for Kyle and Josh. I missed my sisters and Erin. It was a hard week. And I so badly wanted to check myself out and stay at the motel where I probably no longer had a job. When my parents said I couldn’t work at that motel for the rest of my life, I never imagined it would be because I’d lose my job.
“Eve?” He brought my attention back to him.
I ran my fingers through my hair and stared out the window at the nearly naked trees. A few dried-up leaves clung to branches. I empathized with them. I was still hanging on, too, but just barely.
Twenty days, and nobody came to visit me. Granted, I told them not to.
“What brought me here …” I whispered. My parents drove, but I had to check myself into the clinic.
I told myself it was for my mom because I was scared she’d take her life. And that wasn’t untrue, but I used it as an excuse for being there. I pretended I didn’t need to be there for me—that I didn’t have a problem.
Then I thought of Josh.
And I heard his screams.
I saw the look in Kyle’s eyes when he realized I’d been drinking.
My lip began to shake, and tears filled my eyes. “I showed up at Kyle’s house with a Gatorade bottle of vodka. And I took a hot pizza out of the oven and dropped it on his son.” I covered my mouth and shook in silent sobs.
He handed me a tissue, and I wiped my eyes and pressed it to my nose. “H-he was b-burned s-so badly.” I sniffled repeatedly, fighting for composure to go on. “And Kyle’s arm was still in a sling. So he had to carry Josh to the truck and drive him to the hospital because I couldn’t.”
“And that’s why you’re here?” he asked.
The fact that he posed it as a question instead of a statement made me think I had yet to give him the correct response. It was frustrating. If he knew the answer, why didn’t he tell me?
My mind only focused on my broken heart.
Twenty days and no one came to visit me.
How could Kyle have carried me in his condition and rescued me but not visited me at the hospital or the rehab center?
“Eve, if this is too much for you today, we don’t have to go the whole?—”
“I’m here because I almost died.” I lifted my gaze to his, no longer attempting to keep up with the tears. “That’s what brought me here.”
Self-reflection hurt. I looked to everyone else to explain my behavior.
“I’m not addicted to alcohol, but I abuse it. And it’s hurting me and others. It robs me of my life, my happiness. I did this. It was my choice.”
He relaxed, removing his glasses and offering me a sad smile as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Yes,” he whispered.
More tears escaped as I sat with my thoughts.
Drinking didn’t make me feel like an adult. Sobriety did.
The day before Thanksgiving, I had my first visitors. When I reached the common area, my girls were waiting for me.
Sarah, Gabby, and Erin stood from the old brown sofa, smiles on their beautiful faces.
I walked toward them and stopped with six feet between us while I looked at the ceiling. “I’m not going to cry. Don’t you dare make me cry,” I said.
But my words made all three of them laugh … and then cry.
Sarah hugged me first. “You’ve got this. Eight more days.”
I couldn’t speak past my emotions, so I just nodded, not wanting to let her go.
She released me and pressed her hands to my cheeks. “I love you.”
I nodded.
Gabby hugged me next. “At least you’re not pregnant.”
I laughed through my tears.
“Has he said anything to you about me?” I asked.
Gabby stepped back, knowing exactly who I meant by “he.” Her smile faded as she shook her head.
I smiled to hide my pain, and I shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“I knew you weren’t on a mission trip,” Erin said, wrapping me in her arms.
“Of course you did.”
She released me and frowned. “I should have known. I knew you drank sometimes, but not?—”
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault but my own.” I looked around. “Where are Mom and Dad?”
Gabby nodded at Sarah.
“I told them you needed nothing but happiness and good vibes. Let’s be honest; they are pretty much the opposite of that,” Sarah said, sliding her blond hair over her shoulder.
“True.” I chuckled. “Let’s go outside.” I untied my sweater from my waist and pulled it over my head.
We sat at a picnic table, and it was a little breezy, but the sun was out, and the temperature was close to sixty.
“Will you get served Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?” Gabby asked.
“Gabbs!” Sarah elbowed her. “We agreed we wouldn’t make her feel bad.”
“What? I’m just making small talk.”
I laughed. “It’s fine. I’m sure they’ll serve dry turkey, soggy stuffing, and flaked mashed potatoes. But I’m okay. I had a breakthrough in therapy on Monday, and for the first time since I got here, I feel like I need this time away from home. I discovered I have more healing to do than I thought when I arrived.”
They couldn’t hide their crestfallen faces, and I didn’t blame them for not trying harder. I would have had the same reaction had I been in their shoes.
“Smile.” I teasingly leaned into Erin before reaching my hands across the table to squeeze my sisters’ hands. “I’m making progress. It’s a good thing.”
“Do you want to tell us anything? We’re here for you,” Sarah said.
I smiled, squeezing their hands again. “No. But thank you.” Early on, I couldn’t wait to tell my sisters about our mom and the baby she lost from overdosing. I’d kept it for so many years that I thought the only way to get past it would be to share the burden with them. But I didn’t need to share the burden anymore. I needed to let it go. No one deserved that guilt.
“You seem different,” Gabby said.
I chuckled. “I hope so. Leaving here the same as I was when I got here will be a huge waste of money for Mom and Dad. As it is, I don’t know how they’re affording this. Did they ask you for help?” I looked at Sarah.
She shrugged and shook her head.
“Did they have a fundraiser at church?” I asked.
Erin laughed. “That would have required them to tell people.”
“True.” I rolled my eyes.
Gabby chewed her nails, but she only did it when she was nervous.
“Gabbs?”
She shook her head, but she wouldn’t look at me.
“Gabriella,” I said again, reaching across the table to pull her hand away from her mouth.
She huffed. “Fine, but you can’t tell anyone that you know.”
“Know what?” Sarah asked.
“Kyle took money from his savings and gave it to Mom and Dad to pay for it.”
“Why didn’t they ask me? We would have helped,” Sarah said.
Gabby shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m just the nosey one at the top of the stairs, eavesdropping on everyone’s conversations.”
“That’s so romantic,” Erin said with a dreamy sigh.
“He’s moving back to Colorado at the end of the semester. That doesn’t feel romantic,” I said.
Sarah shot me a sad smile.
“It’s an epic kind of love,” Erin insisted. “His love for you is unconditional. He doesn’t need to be with you to love you and want what’s best for you. I think that’s so romantic.”
“It’s tragic,” Sarah said, wrinkling her nose.
“Why is he leaving?” I asked Gabby.
“How am I supposed to know?”
“Because you’re an eavesdropper.”
She stared at her non-existent fingernails. “He knows your relationship will get out, and he doesn’t want Josh living in a small town where his dad is the center of gossip.” Her nose wrinkled. “And Dad threatened to tell the school board.”
“What can the school board do?” Sarah asked. “You’re not in high school anymore.”
“They’d find another reason to fire him.” Erin frowned.
“How’s Mom?” I asked Gabby.
“Fine. I guess.”
“Does she seem depressed? Down? Anything like that?”
Sarah eyed me.
“I don’t think so. Grandma’s been at the house a lot. I think Dad’s tired of her being there, but she and Mom have long talks. I don’t eavesdrop on them because Grandma talks too slowly. I don’t have the patience for it.”
Erin snorted.
I was relieved to hear that Grandma Bonnie had been with Mom.
“Well, if she seems depressed or stressed or anything like that, give her a big hug. Okay?”
Gabby squinted for a second before nodding, but Sarah blinked away her tears, and she didn’t even know the full story.
“I heard Dad say he talked to the motel manager, and your job will be waiting for you when you get home,” Gabby said.
That surprised me, so I smiled. “That’s a relief. But enough about me. Are you a star yet?” I asked Sarah.
And for the next two hours, my girls caught me up on their lives. And I lived vicariously through them until it was time to say goodbye.
Eight days. I could make it.