Chapter 33 #2
“I did, Marc. I fucked up. We were kissing, and you were being your usual ridiculously sexy self and driving me wild. I wasn’t thinking.
I should have known better.” The catch in his voice scared me almost as much as his being unwilling to let me look at him or the giant gaping hole in my memory of last night.
He sniffed, and I realized he was either fighting back tears or had already lost. “I… I pulled your arms over your head and triggered an episode.”
I jolted in surprise. “But I don’t have episodes.” Not that kind, anyway. Plenty of spirals, and I wasn’t denying I had PTSD, but I’d never had an episode as far as I was aware.
He placed a soft kiss on my bare shoulder.
“You definitely do, baby boy, and it scared the absolute shit out of me. You’d think with all the training I’ve received over the years to handle that sort of thing I would have been better equipped…
” He paused long enough that I wasn’t sure if he planned to continue.
“But that training focused more on fight-or-flight reactions, with a heavy focus on fight. But you… froze, completely dissociated. I’m not even sure if you ever fully came back.
I was so worried this morning…” He trailed off, and I tightened my hold on his neck while his words sunk in.
I didn’t remember last night because, in a sense, I hadn’t actually been there. My mind had literally noped the fuck out. That was terrifying. “Did I say anything?” I felt his entire body stiffen beneath me.
“Are you sure you want to know?”
Short answer? No. Long answer? I felt like I kind of needed to. “A little. You don’t have to go into details. It’s unnerving not being able to remember anything.”
“You believed you were in the cave where you were held captive,” he whispered.
Okay, we didn’t need to dive any further into that.
No more details necessary. Nope, no sirree.
This time when I moved to pull away, JD let me sit back enough to look at him.
Seeing his red eyes affirmed my suspicions from earlier, and I couldn’t help myself from reaching out to brush the dampness from his copper lashes. “Thank you for being there for me.”
He scoffed and looked away. “I’m the reason you needed someone to be there for you in the first place. Fuck, I stayed up most of the night researching what had happened. I’d never seen anything like it. Combat I can handle, but…”
I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me.
His blue eyes were swimming again, the fear he felt floating right alongside the guilt.
I placed a chaste kiss on his lips before resting my forehead against his.
“You didn’t put me in that cave, James, and I was bound to have an episode eventually.
” I leaned back to look him in the eye again and stroked the side of his face, his stubble scratching my palm.
“Hell, if I’ve been dissociating during them, who’s to say how many I’ve had over the years.
” His eyes widened with horror, and I huffed a laugh, prompting him to frown.
“I hardly think this is a laughing matter, Marc,” he grumbled.
“I know you’re right, but also, fuck it.
What’s one more invisible demon, am I right?
” I added with a smile. Oh, he did not like that.
His scowl intensified, and I was seriously tempted to make a crack about turning his frown upside down while literally using my fingers to lift his lips into a smile.
But I also recognized that would be taking it too far, so instead I sighed and gave him a soft smile.
“Look at the pair of us. Surviving actual firefights only to have PTSD ruin all our fun.”
He ran his large hands over my exposed thighs, and I sank deeper into him.
“About that, talking with Andy has made me really look at how my prior forays into therapy have gone. I’m realizing that I never really gave it a chance.
I’ve been thinking about finding a new therapist, possibly one outside the military, maybe someone who can help me unpack all of my family drama as well as the Army shit. ”
My smile broadened. “I think it’s great that you and your brother are rebuilding your relationship.
He shared with me that he and Mitch deciding to go into counseling wasn’t an easy decision and it was a long time in the making, but it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.
” JD looked at me long enough to make me uneasy. “What? Did I say something wrong?”
“Not at all. I was actually wondering if you would ever consider therapy for yourself.”
I was all set to scoff and flippantly dismiss the idea, but his steady gaze held my tongue.
If therapy was fine for him, why couldn’t it be fine for me too?
It didn’t make me any less, not in his eyes.
And frankly, right now, those were the only ones I gave a fuck about.
Seeing the fear in them earlier when he talked about my episode…
I didn’t ever want to see that again. Plus, maybe it could help with my spirals. That’d be a nice bonus.
“Hey,” he said, squeezing my legs with his big ass mitts, “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It was only a thought.”
“No, it’s not that. I’ll… I’ll look into it.
” His face noticeably relaxed, but to my surprise, something inside me did as well, as if making the decision to seek help had impacted me just as much.
Huh, go figure. I cleared my throat and shimmied off his lap, not at all interested in parsing out what that meant.
“We should probably get dressed and head downstairs.” I glanced at the side table where he’d set his to-go mug. “Ah, that explains the cups.”
“Yep.” He stood and stretched his long as fuck arms overhead. I shamelessly appreciated the view, earning myself a cocked eyebrow and a knowing smirk. “And you’re sure you don’t remember anything else from the pier?”
I crossed my arms. “I already told you no. Why?”
He shrugged. “Little disappointed you don’t recall saying you wanted to climb me like a tree.”
I let out an honest to God guffaw. “You, James Gallagher, are a bold-faced liar.”
“Except I’m not,” he said in that sexy voice that sent a wave of heat through me as he walked by to get to his things.
My jaw dropped, and I scrambled to recover. “Nu-uh. I don’t believe you. Tell me exactly what I said.”
“Ooh, would you look at the time? Better hustle, baby boy. The shop won’t open itself.” He leaned down to pick up—who gave a damn what. He knew damn well what his ass looked like in those barely-there skimpy shorts.
Regretfully, I tore my gaze away from the round perfection of his ass to look at the time and immediately let out an aggrieved sound. “Fuck me,” I hissed. He was right.
“Anytime, baby boy,” James said, tossing me a smirk over his shoulder. “Anytime.”
I finished making a beeline for the bedroom and closed the door before letting out another aggrieved sound. Damn it, now I was going to contend with a boner while getting dressed…and judging by the throaty laughter coming from the other room, James knew it too.