49. Dani #2
“Look at this, Beans!” Dad shows me. “They let me have the leftovers from that brisket segment. And look at this bread I got from Costco.”
“Hank.”
“A brisket sandwich does sound good.” My stomach grumbles.
“You’ve got leaves in your hair, Dani.”
“Have you been outside?” Dad smiles at me. “Do I sense a new hiking buddy?”
“No—I mean yes, but not intentionally.”
Mom grabs a trash can and starts picking the leaves out of my hair with a comb.
“Someone turn that off,” she orders us.
“Don’t you dare. I’m on TV! I’m famous! I got the number of one of the cameramen,” Gran boasts, “and he’s taking me out tomorrow.”
The TV is still blaring as Dad sets my sandwich in front of me. One of the FBI directors is being interviewed on the morning news show.
“How did you not realize that this was a fake kidnapping?” the anchor asks. “Did the cat in the video not give it away?”
“We are investigating the woman with the cat video to see if she was in on this hoax.” The FBI agent looks pissed.
“This is embarrassing.”
“What a waste of taxpayer dollars.”
The hosts comment at the end of the segment.
“I’ve had to turn off my phone, Dani. I’m getting so many calls and messages. This is a scandal,” Mom complains. “We’re going to have to all move to the Catskills for the next six months until this all blows over.”
“Ow!” I yelp when she pulls a twig out of my hair.
“Dani can’t move to the Catskills. Graham won’t like that,” Dad says. “Dani, do you want to try this grapefruit soda? New item!”
“I can’t.”
“You like grapefruit.”
“No.” I sniffle. “Graham dumped me. I can’t go to the Catskills. I need to move far, far away. He doesn’t want me.” I sob.
“Well, of course he dumped you, Dani,” Mom says matter-of-factly. “Look at you.”
“Don’t listen to her. Go after him.” Gran rushes into the kitchen. “Colette is after him, just you watch. She was trying to break you two up.”
“And of course she’s going to be successful, because I’m fat and ugly and don’t look like Colette. You’re embarrassed that I’m your daughter.” I let out a sob.
“You’re not ugly, Beans. Any man would be lucky to have you, and I love having you as my daughter.” Dad hugs me.
“Oh, Dani.” My mom kisses my dirty hair. “Of course I’m not embarrassed that you’re my daughter—I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished! But Graham was never going to love you.”
“I know.” I blow my nose. “Because he’s a billionaire, and he has standards.”
“Standards?” my mother scoffs. “He was on an online-dating forum. Of course he was no good. Men you meet online are predators. They’re not family men. They won’t ever be there for you. You can’t trust men you meet online. Graham wasn’t good enough for you.”
“I didn’t meet him online,” I admit.
“Honestly, Dani.” Mom picks the comb back up. “You could have just told me instead of concocting this scheme with your grandmother and Piper. I swear.”
I sniffle. “No, I mean…” I think about the check. “Never mind. Yeah, you’re right. I won’t do online dating anymore.”
Mom beams at me. “That’s my girl. Now we’re going shopping, and we’re going to go get your hair done, and then you’re going to hit the social circuit, go to some networking events, and meet a nice young man.”
“I can’t. I’m tired.” My shoulders sag.
“Dani, if your grandmother can pick up men in her condition, you can too.”
“She doesn’t need a man. Graham’s going to come crawling back to her. Men’s dicks have the memory of a goldfish. He’s going to forget whatever it was that made him decide to dump you as soon as he wants some of that.” Gran gyrates her hips.
“Dani deserves better than to be used for sex.” Mom purses her mouth.
“No, that’s exactly what she deserves.”
“She needs a man who wants to settle down and have a family and take care of her. Now, Sloane’s son just got a divorce, and he’s single and ready to mingle!”
“Let’s find the positives,” Piper tells me as I lie on the couch, drinking Costco wine—which is surprisingly high quality—and humiliate myself with rewatches of the morning show where everyone learned I’m a virgin and my family is insane. “I bet now you’ll get kicked off the bridal party.”
My phone dings.
“Is it Graham?”
“No, worse. Colette.”
“Can I please block her?”
“Absolutely not.” My mom buzzes in. “We have to salvage what social capital we have.”
“I thought we were fleeing to the Catskills.”
I try to pour the rest of the wine into my mug that says, “Coffee keeps me busy until it’s time for wine!” but the bottle is empty.
“Did you drink all my wine?” I hiccup.
“We have the rehearsal dinner and the wedding this weekend,” Mom reminds me. “We can’t skip town. What will people think?”
“Are you sure they want us there?” Piper wrinkles her nose.
“I profusely apologized to Vivienne,” Mom informs us.
“Why are you apologizing? Her daughter is the one who started this mess,” Gran demands.
“Vivienne assured me that Colette was just trying to help. She was worried for Graham.” Mom swans out to answer the phone—another concerned neighbor.
“Block her,” Piper hisses at me. “Do you see this unhinged text she sent? About how she’s the victim and you embarrassed her and how she wants you to basically be her on-call assistant for the next ten years to make it up to her.”
“Mom is right—that’s all I have.”
I feel guilty as Piper makes a defeated noise.
“I need to stop the bleeding. Graham’s done with me, if he ever really cared about me. It was Stockholm syndrome. I’m the one who made him have a relationship with me in the first place. He probably realized that he’s better off without me.”
“No way! Graham loves you. You said he told you he loves you.”
“I drove him insane.”
“Your tits are not that nice, no matter what Gran says.”
“This is all my fault.” I haul myself upright.
“You’re not in a condition to go wedding planning unless you’re going to go barf red all over her dress.” Piper tries to keep me from leaving.
“I’m not going to see Colette. I need to talk to Graham’s mom,” I explain. “I got kidnapped for like four hours, and it was horrible. I can only barely imagine what she went through.” And I pull down my shirt.
“At least cash that check first.”
I hand it to Piper. “You cash it.”
“Okay, where’s your debit card? Can you even deposit a thirty-five-million dollar check at the ATM? Google, can you—”
“No—I mean. You were always there for me. I invested too much in my so-called friendship with Colette and the Girl Squad. You deserve the money. You should go have an amazing life.”
“No, we’re in this together.” Piper looks up at me.
“Maybe you can rent me a room in your fancy, swanky condo.” I give her a sad smile.
Piper glares. “I’m cashing this check, but only because soon you’re going to wake up and realize that you need something to show for yourself.”
No one answers the doorbell at Graham’s parents’ house.
I stand on the front porch, looking around. It’s a nice middle-class neighborhood. I imagine Graham here as a kid, riding his bike after spending his entire life cooped up in a dark, dirty hole.
I shiver.
My phone is blowing up with more demands from Colette.
I seriously want to tell her to just fuck off.
But my brother is marrying her, and I’m sure they’re going to have kids, and I still want to be an aunt to future nieces and nephews—especially since I’m apparently never going to get married and have kids.
There’s a little stone path leading to a gate around the side of the house. I hear music as I sneak back there.
Aurora is sitting on a bench in the dormant garden, wrapped in a blanket. There’s a fire going in the firepit. She has a book, but she’s not reading it.
“Ahem.” I clear my throat.
Graham’s mom doesn’t hear me, so I give a cheery “Hi, Mrs. Donnelly.”
“Oh!” She drops the book. “Dani!” She hurries over as I unlatch the gate.
“I was trying to think about how to reach out to you,” she says at the same time I’m apologizing for crashing her backyard meditative session.
“Meditating? God, no—more mentally beating myself up. Do you want water, or—oh, why are you even out and about? You should be with your family.”
“I take it you didn’t catch the morning show?”
She gives me a confused look.