Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
A RITE OF PASSAGE
A fter we got settled into our room, it wasn’t long before the afternoon shifted into the evening. We found a seafood restaurant not far from our hotel and the food was absolutely divine. Not only were we checking things off my bucket list, but there was another list I stored mentally. A list of firsts. And anything we did here would most likely be a first for me.
Oliver held my hand as we walked down the boardwalk. I had Tank’s leash in my hand and he had been acting strange all day. He wasn’t one who typically whined but he’d stare at me and make a low rumble in his throat before nudging me. He acted like this before, but this time I was quick to ignore his behavior.
If I had any say in what happened, I refused to ruin this trip.
The boardwalk was crowded and there were so many other people walking around. I usually didn’t like crowds but something about this was different. It was almost as if we could be whoever we wanted to be, surrounded by complete strangers. We just fit into the madness and it felt good.
We walked past shops and restaurants and as we reached the end, there were carnival type games with people calling us over. Oliver pulled me along, walking straight up to one of the men standing nearby. There was a wall lined with darts behind him and he looked back and forth between the two of us.
“The two of you want to try and win a prize tonight? Behind each balloon, it will say what type of prize you get.” He paused and swept his hand around in an effort to show what we could win.
Ollie let go of my hand and reached into his back pocket to pull out his wallet. He looked at me and winked with a smile on his face.
“What are you doing?” I questioned him with my voice low.
He handed the man a ten-dollar bill and took the darts from him before looking back at me. “Winning you a prize, love.”
He stepped up to the countertop of the stand and began to throw the darts at the wall. I watched the way his muscles rippled in his arm. He drew back, lifting his hand to the side of his head as he focused on his target and then threw it forward, almost like he was throwing a football.
I loved watching Ollie in action. He was extremely athletic and the way his body moved—his form and muscles. I’m sure a lot of other people enjoyed watching him as much as I did.
He didn’t miss a single balloon, popping each one that he aimed for. The man looked as surprised as I felt and clapped his hands before checking the wall. He turned back around after collecting his darts and looked at Oliver.
“You won one of the giant prizes,” he said as he pointed above to where the massive stuffed animals were hanging. “Which one would you like?”
Oliver turned to look at me. “Pick one, Luna.”
I tilted my head to the side. “But you won it, you should pick.”
“I won it for you. It’s a rite of passage when you’re on the boardwalk with your girl.” He smiled down at me and winked again. “Which one will it be, love?”
Lifting my head, I looked up at the various stuffed animals until my gaze landed upon a tan colored sloth. I pointed to it, the corners of my lips lifting toward the sky. “That one.”
The man got it down and handed it to me. It was soft and plush and more than half my size. I tried to wrap my arms around it, laughing as it covered my face and I couldn’t see anything. Oliver lifted it from me and threw it over his shoulder before slipping his hand back into mine.
We continued our walk down the boardwalk, hand in hand, Oliver with a stuffed sloth over his shoulder, and Tank trotting along beside us. I’m sure to the outside world, we looked comical, but to me, we looked perfect. Oliver was giving me the best days I could have ever asked for.
And it killed me to know one day this would all come to a screeching halt.
Later that night, we were both tucked away in the king-size bed in our hotel room. Tank had found a spot on the floor to call his own and he was peacefully snoring away. He was still being weird and was on the floor right beside me. If I would have let him in the bed, he would be crammed between Oliver and I.
The tubing was already connected to the line in my chest, delivering the nutrients I wasn’t getting from the food I ate or the food that went through my feeding tube. My skin around it was warm and burned, but I tried my best to ignore the sensation. I never did have my mom change the dressing, but it would have to wait until we got home now.
Moonlight shone through the glass doors of the balcony, illuminating Oliver’s face as we both laid on our sides, facing one another. Oliver cracked the doors before we got into bed, allowing the salty breeze to drift through our room. It was a smell I don’t think I could ever replicate or put into words.
The sounds of the waves lapping against the shore sounded in the distance. As we laid together in the dark, I tried to focus on that sound instead of the sound of my breathing. I needed to hook myself up to my ventilator before I drifted off to sleep, but I didn’t want to break this moment. I didn’t want to interrupt the softness of the silence between us.
There was something comforting about it. The way Oliver gently stroked the side of my face, pushing my hair back behind my ear as his eyes stared directly into my soul. He saw past what everyone else saw on the outside. Oliver Hart was the only one who saw the real me and I was certain no one else on the planet could ever see me the way he did.
“I hope you had a good first day,” he said softly as his fingertips lingered on my skin. “It went by so fast.”
My breathing was growing more shallow with every breath. My body was fatigued from the trip and the long day. We did a lot of walking and it was really taking a toll on my body.
“I did.” I smiled at him, inhaling the scent of him and the ocean. “I’m ready to see what tomorrow brings.”
Oliver’s eyes lingered a moment longer before he moved away from me. I immediately felt his absence and shivered from the chill in the air as he climbed out of bed. I rolled onto my back, watching him with confusion as he walked around the bottom of the bed.
He stopped by my equipment and the loud beep from my ventilator sounded through the room as he turned it on. I watched him carefully as he went through the proper steps, making sure everything was connected and the humidifier was working properly. Usually when I went away, we just used a dry vent system if I needed it, so I had a humidification device in the tubing circuit of my ventilator.
Since we were staying two nights in a row, my mother insisted the actual humidifier came with us, which turned it into a wet circuit. The air from the ventilator went through the humidifier first, which warmed the air and added moisture to it before it went to the tubing connected to my trach tube.
It was just another thing most people didn’t realize the importance of because they didn’t have to worry about their mucus turning into a rock if there wasn’t moisture added into the air they were breathing. When you breathe through your mouth or nose, the air is naturally humidified and warmed from your body.
When the air went directly into your throat through a tube, there was nothing there to do it naturally. That’s why I needed the heater or if I wasn’t on the vent and my trach wasn’t capped, I needed to have my HME.
All bodies produce mucus, whether you are sick or not. If I didn’t have the proper equipment, my mucus could literally kill me by blocking my airway.
Thank God for modern medicine.
There was no way I would have survived this long without it.
The whooshing sound of the ventilator continued as it filled up the artificial lung that was connected to it. It was more like a balloon that would inflate as a breath was delivered and then deflate when it was time to exhale. It kept the circuit sterile and it stopped the annoying alarms from going off.
Oliver held his hand out to me, and I took the cap from the end of my trach and handed it to him. He placed it in the same case I kept my speaking valve in and put it in the side pocket of my ventilator bag. After following the necessary steps, he disconnected the artificial lung from my vent tubing and connected it to my trach.
“Better?” he questioned me as he climbed back into bed, his voice soft as he ran his fingertips across my arm.
I looked at him and nodded, relief flooding me as the ventilator helped to assist my breathing. “How did you know?”
“I know you, Luna Truly.” Oliver gave me a small smile. “I can pick up on your physical cues. The way your breathing changes when you’re growing tired. Small and simple, yet detrimental things. I know you like the back of my hand, love. What I don’t know is what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours.” He paused and tapped his fingertip against my temple. “I’m still holding onto hope that one day you’ll let me see inside.” He dragged his finger down the side of my face, down my neck, across my chest, stopping when he reached my heart. “And one day, you’ll fully let me in here.”
I stared at Oliver as I got lost in the depths of his green eyes. He always found a way to surprise me with his words, yet I found myself wondering how he couldn’t possibly know the truth. I hadn't verbally told him how I felt, but it had to be obvious to him at this point.
“Such a fool,” I murmured, feeling my breathing growing deeper as my eyelids grew heavier. My body felt like it was weighed down and I was sinking deeper into the bed as my body teetered on the edge of sleep.
“Why’s that?” he questioned me as he wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me flush against his chest.
I nestled myself against him, feeling the weight of sleep pulling me deeper. My eyelids fluttered shut and I inhaled the smell of Oliver one last time.
“You’re already in there.”