30. Rosenna
Chapter thirty
Rosenna
M y mind raced as I stood in the bathroom fixing my hair for my dinner night out with Gavin. Dressed in a beautiful off-the-shoulder long-sleeve fitted cream dress, I smoothed it out nervously in the mirror as my heart raced, my fingers trembling against the delicate fabric.
Guilt was building in the depths of my stomach, and I could feel a sense of shame looming over me.
I wish Beckham were just a fling. I wish Gavin were more understanding and forgiving. I wish I hadn’t let my external problems guide my rationale or cloud my judgment.
Because now… Now, I was getting dressed for a date night with my husband when all I could think about was Beckham’s hands. His eyes. His dominance. His sick… sadistic smile. It was all I could think about. I almost couldn’t even sleep in our bed. Not when all I could think about during the night was him using me, not when he’d gotten his wish of plaguing my mind and essentially ruining me for my husband.
Just looking towards the bedroom caused my skin to go hot as I rubbed my neck nervously. It was as if I could still feel his hands on my waist. God, he ’ s overtaking my entire mind. I could literally cry.
Looking away from the bed, I turned the light off in the bathroom and approached the mirror as I went to put on my necklace.
“Strip.”
The word felt like a haunted whisper… a word that sent chills down my spine as I closed my eyes to rid myself of his presence in my mind as I dug my nails into my palm, my breath coming too fast, too shallow.
“I need you to remember that you belong to me.”
“Do you love him enough to say no to me?”
“Say you’ll leave him.”
I was going to absolutely lose it.
Feeling a warm hand on my exposed shoulder, I flinched slightly and looked in the mirror to see Gavin standing behind me. Clearing my throat, I watched him chuckle as he ran his thumb over my skin.
“Spaced out a bit there, huh?” he said with a smile.
Only then did I notice my hands still held the necklace that I was supposed to be putting on. However, I had sat motionless in front of the mirror as I was lost in my thoughts.
“Just a little bit...” I replied with a small smile as I forced myself to relax, to pretend I could still sink into his warmth.
As I went to put the necklace on, he stopped me and took it from me.
“Allow me.”
I remained silent as he held it in one hand and pushed my hair over my shoulder with the other, leaving my upper shoulders bare to him. He placed the chain around my neck as I watched him in the mirror silently.
Before he clasped the chain, his eyes lifted, meeting my own for a split second before they went back down. Maybe I was imagining it, but his gaze, even for that slight second, was scrutinizing, almost intentional, as if he was trying to understand what was on my mind.
Once he finished, he moved my hair back into place before leaning down and placing a kiss on the top of my head as I pushed away my previous thoughts. I closed my eyes as both his hands ran gently over my exposed shoulders.
“You look stunning tonight,” he complimented, and I felt the guilt in my stomach build once again. His hands ran down my arms, and I watched as he did in the mirror. For a split second, his hands resembled Beckham’s, and my heart picked up at the sight alone.
Gavin leaned down, and I looked over to him. “Thank you…” I whispered, and he placed a small kiss on my lips before he pulled away and rubbed my back twice.
“I’ll be waiting for you downstairs.”
I nodded wordlessly. As he walked out, I let out a breath as my leg shook up and down nervously.
Leaning over, I grabbed my heels, slipping my foot into one and reaching for the buckle. My fingers fumbled with straps, vivid memories of him kneeling before me, fastening my buckle with careful precision only to top it off with a delicate kiss to my knee. Almost like he was thanking me for the opportunity.
Sitting up, I breathed in deeply as I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the memory out. I needed Beckham out of my mind. I was about to have dinner with my husband. To begin fixing things between us. To start fresh. Tonight was about him… tonight was about us .
I could do this…
I have to do this.
Arriving at the restaurant, we stood by the hostess as she looked for our reservation. Once she found it, she directed us over to our table, which was past the luxury bar in the middle of the room.
Gavin slipped his hand around my waist as we walked, and almost immediately, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up as I felt a primal… intense, and feral gaze on me.
He didn’t need to be near me. With the time we’ve spent together… I could feel his presence in the room. Looking over my shoulder discreetly by the other side of the dark marble and gold bar, I gulped softly as Beckham sat with his drink in his hand.
His stare was lethal as he glared directly at me. I felt weak in the knees suddenly as I had the urge to rip myself away from Gavin to lessen the fear he was instilling in me.
Soon, we made it to our seats, and I thanked Gavin as he held my chair out for me.
After settling at the table, we were brought glasses of water and a bottle of wine before the server walked away to give us time to review the menu.
I took a sip of wine to calm my nerves, and Gavin folded his hands on the table as he watched me. In response, I gave him a smile as I gazed around the restaurant.
“It’s gorgeous in here,” I commented, and he nodded.
“Sure is. I’m glad Beckham was able to recommend it to us.”
I took another sip from my glass. Gavin’s gaze lingered on me for a moment longer, the emotion in his eyes unrecognizable. However, the smile was again brought back to his face as he continued, “Speaking of him… I just wanted to tell you that I’m extremely proud of what you’ve been able to accomplish so far.”
“Really?” I asked, almost flabbergasted.
“Of course I am, Rose. Look, I know I may not show it in the best way… but I am truly happy for you and your success. I genuinely mean it.”
I remained silent.
It was conveniently perfect timing as the waiter arrived to take our order and discuss the choices for the main course for the evening. While he spoke, I tuned him out as I thought to myself.
I knew it was wrong of me to think this far with Gavin’s actions, but he didn’t seem like himself. I hated admitting it, but something was off. Ever since he returned from the trip, he’d been more attentive, kind, compassionate… all things I wanted from my husband from the beginning.
What changed over the course of the previous week? Did Brent inform him I was with Beckham? Did he know about the potential property I was interested in? Did he know I wasn’t home the majority of the nights he was away, tucked under the embrace of my personal incubus? What was going on…?
As Gavin was talking to the waiter on one side of the table, a certain someone passed by on the other side. I almost shivered feeling his hand touch my shoulder as he walked from behind me toward the other side of the restaurant—the same shoulder my husband had run his hand over earlier. Only with Beckham’s touch did my skin feel on fire.
Gavin finished with the waiter and looked back over to me as I tried to hide my flushed face while sipping more of the wine.
“We always seem to be so busy these days, operating on such a tight schedule. I’m glad we got to spend this time together.” Gavin smiled at me, and I nodded as I placed my glass on the table. I had to slow down… If not, I was sure he would be able to tell I was trying to drown out my shame and worries.
“Me too, Gav.”
“I actually… wanted to talk to you about something important. I was thinking... maybe we should start trying...”
I was taken aback. “Trying for what?” I whispered, already knowing his answer.
He grabbed my hand from across the table. “A baby, Rose.” He smiled cautiously, awaiting my reply—but I was silent.
He sighed. “I know what you’re thinking. I know. I know. I was the one who put it off. I didn’t acknowledge you wanted a child, and I was selfish to put my own reservations or doubts in front of something that could bring us closer together.”
“Gavin,” I voiced, almost out of breath.
He shook his head. “Just think about it. It’s sudden I know. If you have your own reservations, I completely understand… and I will wait for you, Rosenna.”
I didn’t say anything. It felt surreal. My stomach churned uncomfortably and my throat had begun to close, vivid memories of the past flooding in.
“Gavin… can I ask you something?” I asked at the dinner table as I took a bite of the Alfredo he’d asked for since last week. I made it tonight on purpose, hoping it might soften him up—because what I was about to bring up wasn’t easy.
Usually I was more talkative at the dinner table, but today, my words had been choked up in my throat the entire day.
“Shoot.”
“I-I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you anything but…” I began, and I swallowed softly, watching as he gave me his undivided attention. “I don’t know, I just… I wanted to talk about when—”
He quirked an eyebrow, telling me he knew where this conversation was going.
“When you think we’d be ready to start trying for a baby?” I uttered, my words hanging in the air, my heart racing as he took a long sigh.
“You’re really bringing this up? We were having a good dinner.”
“It was just a thought.” A stupid thought.
“Rosenna,” Gavin scoffed. “you are drowning in debt. We can barely keep up as it is. You think now is a good time to add a baby into the mix?”
I hated the way he said it. Like I was an idiot for even thinking about it.
“I just thought… I mean, it doesn’t have to be now. But I thought we could at least talk about it.”
“You want to talk?” He spat, “You want an answer? Fine. We’re not ready.”
My throat tightened and I nodded once, because what else was I supposed to say? “Okay.”
As if sensing he’d push too far, he reluctantly stood, stepping over to me before pulling me into his warm embrace. I didn’t want to accept it, but… I honestly needed it at this point.
“I… We just need more time, Rose.” His voice was softer now, calmer. “I’m not saying no to kids; I just want to wait until things are stable.”
I nodded, tears burning my eyes. But I held them back because it was easier than fighting. It was easier to keep my longing for a baby hidden for now. Until things got better… until things were… stable.
Which could have taken forever.
Years ago… I would have been the one begging for a baby from him, begging him to tell me what I could do differently so we could start building a family.
In the past, I would have jumped for joy. I would be over the moon happy that he finally considered me worthy enough in his eyes. But today, I felt indifferent. Over the years, I learned more about him. More about his expectations, his opinions, his beliefs… it was essentially what drove us apart.
A child , however, was the answer to bringing us closer together. Not accepting my vision to grow my business and not being more compassionate to his wife. Bearing his child seemed to be his answers to our problems.
And now? Why now? In the middle of my infidelity. In the middle of us constantly fighting, in the middle of my possible mid-life crisis… why was now the perfect time to have his baby?
He pulled away after a moment as his phone rang and held his hand up as he paused our conversation for the moment. For a moment I was thankful to the caller for giving me some breathing room—but then I realized who was on the line.
“Brent, talk to me.”
Brent seemed to be another problem I was facing alongside my issues with Gavin and Beckham. Ever since the day I spent at the museum with Beckham, I had been wary of his actions and motives. I didn’t know what to make of our interaction, as well as his interaction with my personal incubus. I knew I was being paranoid, but simply hearing his name caused me a sense of panic, as he was kept catching Beckham and me in questionable but relatively “normal” situations that could potentially prompt a second glance.
Gavin’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean they found an escape clause? The contract was infallible.” He held the bridge of his nose between his fingers for a moment, listening. “How long until the revision window closes?” he muttered and looked over at me, his eyes tinged with regret. “We can make it by midnight… I’ll be there soon.” He concluded the call and sighed heavily. “Rose…”
“It’s important. I understand,” I said softly, and he shook his head.
“This is important.”
I smiled sadly. “It’s okay, Gav. You can go. I’ll find a ride home.”
Instead of fighting me any further, he pulled out five hundred dollars in cash and held it out to me.
“For the dinner, your ride, and whatever else you want.”
“Gavin, it’s okay—”
“ I insist,” he urged.
I bit my lip as I let him place the bills on the table before he stood up and came over to my seat. He placed a kiss on my cheek and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear.
“I’ll be home soon,” he promised.
I bid him goodbye as he quickly rushed out of the building. Turning back to the table, I took another sip of wine as I silently thanked Brent for cutting the night short. However—
Feeling a presence behind me, I bit my lip as Beckham trailed his finger over the cheek that Gavin had kissed. I was sure he heard everything as he wasn’t too far away, and I could tell he wasn’t at all pleased… With Gavin’s kiss on my cheek or the words he said to me, I wasn’t quite sure.
The server walked over and seemed to have recognized Beckham, as they didn’t spare me a glance. Beckham handed the man his black card, and I stared down at the five hundred dollars Gavin had left for me.
Thinking of his question brought a sense of rage to me. His way of fixing us was to bring a baby into the picture—a baby he didn’t want, a baby he belittled me for wanting, a baby that would only push us further apart as I again had to compromise a part of myself to satisfy him. I almost wanted to cry.
As if sensing it, Beckham rubbed my shoulder comfortingly.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I spoke just above a whisper.
“Make me forget… Fuck me. Use me. Own me… please .”
Beckham didn’t say anything. For a moment, I thought he might deny me.
Then, feeling his hand wrap my hair in a fist, he pulled my head back abruptly, and I looked directly at him as my mind buzzed in the way he always made it.
With a possessive and dominating look in his eyes, he uttered the words that ultimately gave me peace at that moment.
“With pleasure.”