35. Rosenna
Chapter thirty-five
Rosenna
S tanding in the silence, my mind replayed his words over and over and over.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you-
I ’ m not capable of love.
“Beckham,” I whispered, tears springing to my eyes as he placed the keys in my palm, still caressing my face with his other hand.
“You don’t know what it’s been like. To live a life with no emotions. To not feel when I was sad. To not understand how others could be happy… to not understand how to grieve when my mother passed away.”
Tears fell down from eyes as I held back a sob. His thumb wiped my tears as he continued.
“I painted you to understand you, Flower. I wanted to know who you were and why you immediately had an effect on me the moment I laid eyes on you. You’ve done something to me, Rosenna, something I can’t explain. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve been more agitated, why seeing you all of a sudden brings the best out of me, why my heart aches when you’re away. It’s because you made me finally able to feel . You made me feel possessive, angry, happy, sad. You made me want to hold onto those emotions so I can bring out the best in you. I didn’t know what to live for before, and my art was a way to cope with that, but now? Now, I find myself only wanting or caring to live for you.”
He spoke beautifully, and I couldn’t help the sobs that escaped my chest. What could I even say? I wanted to run into his embrace, accept all that he’d given me, and live the life I wanted with the man I grew to love. But what was stopping me? Why couldn’t I find it in me to respond to him in a way that would show how much I cared for him?
He was breaking the cycle. He was making me face the reality. I could no longer live behind the excuse of being blackmailed or coerced into our sessions. He didn’t have to tell me he was giving me an ultimatum. I knew it myself before I even stepped foot in here. Him or Gavin.
Why was I even debating this choice? Why couldn’t I let go of my emotionally abusive husband? I fell out of love with him, right? I was ready to move on with my life, right? I was ready to break the twisted cycle that led me to Beckham for the last few months… right? RIGHT?!
As I looked up into his eyes shamefully, my insecurities guided my next words as I held back a sob. “Beckham… I-I can’t,” I whispered.
He immediately furrowed his eyebrows. “Why?”
I shook my head. “It’s too soon—” I tried to reason, but he cut me off.
“ What is too soon?”
“All of this, Beckham! None of this was supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to fall for one another. This wasn’t part of our agreement,” I cried as his hand slowly lowered from my face, leaving me cold.
I didn’t know what was coming over me. Maybe it was the guilt, maybe it was the shame… but I couldn’t help but think of Gavin and the vows I’d made to him. I probably should have thought of that at the beginning of my affair, but we were always in the heat of the moment, in the midst of passion and desire. Now, things were getting serious as we were getting deeper than I would have ever imagined.
“You think I asked to fall in love with a married woman, Rosenna?”
I let out something between the mix of a chuckle and a sob.
“So now, all of a sudden, you care about that fact? You’ve never cared about my relationship with Gavin. You pulled me away from him—”
“You fucking let me because you weren’t happy,” he practically seethed, and I scoffed.
“Let’s not forget I was also desperate! I needed you to keep my businesses afloat. And God, I wanted affection and attention so badly that I was desperate enough to fall for a man who couldn’t love me.”
He narrowed his eyes at me again. “So it comes back to this, huh? If I knew you were going to use this against me, I would have never said anything about it.”
“You told me you have no emotions—”
I flinched as he raised his voice in anger. “Dammit, Rosenna, I know what the fuck I said!”
“And I’m supposed to believe I’ve cured you somehow?” I questioned as he shook his head.
“Do you think you’re not worth loving, Rosenna? Is that it?” I averted my gaze from his rage-filled eyes. “Do you think you don’t deserve to live the life you want because you keep living for your shitty husband… Or is it that you think that I just can’t love you? That I won’t be able to give you everything like I said?”
“That’s not it, Beckham.”
He ran his hands through his hair angrily. “Then what is it, Rosenna?! Is it because I can’t regulate my emotions? That because I’m incapable of love, I don’t deserve love? Because I thought that too, and you ruined everything about me that I once thought I knew. Because now?” he almost croaked, heavy emotion in his voice. “Now, I can barely think without you clouding my mind. I can barely look at you when I’m reminded you don’t belong to me. I can barely control myself when I’m constantly reminded that I’m not good enough for you. What the hell do I have to live for if it isn’t for you?!”
I shook my head, feeling hopeless as a part of me was still holding onto my terrible, miserable marriage.
“Beckham, I-I’m sorry,” I cried pathetically, feeling the guilt of betraying my husband, and now, I felt the guilt of denying the man I loved… the man who loved me.
Beckham paused for a moment before he shook his head.
“No. I’m sorry.”
I watched him with teary eyes as he turned away and walked through the warehouse towards the door. I thought he was going to grab me, shake me, force me to say something. But his footsteps echoed through the building, and just as I was afraid of, I was left utterly alone as he opened the door and left.
There was no mistaking it before if I had any doubts… This was truly all of my fault.
Sitting in my car outside his warehouse, I watched the building in silence as the sun set and the sky slowly darkened. The silver keys on the dashboard gleamed at me like a cruel joke. Surely he would come back. Surely… this wasn’t where it all would end.
I would give you everything, Flower.
I’m not capable of love.
The only thing I want, Flower, is you.
I let him walk away.
My hands clenched the steering wheel so hard I thought I would snap it off. My fingers dug into the leather, my knuckles a sick shade of white, nails biting into my palms, my knuckles aching, blood rushing so violently in my ears I thought my skull would fucking split in two.
Why couldn’t I say it? Why the fuck couldn’t I just say it?
I would give you everything, Flower.
I would give you everything, Flower.
“Stop.” The word barely left my lips.
My skin itched as I imagined his tender hold. My face burned as I could feel his soft kisses against my lips. His words of affirmation, affection, adoration feeling like haunted whispers against my ears.
Tears blurred my vision as my heart raced in my chest. My hands threaded my hair, pulling at my scalp. Pulled so hard I thought I’d feel my scalp tear, but nothing… nothing could shut it off.
I would give you everything, Flower.
I would give you everything, Flower.
“STOP!” My voice cracked, raw, hoarse and desperate, wanting some kind of liberation, some kind of release from this utter torment on my mind, body and soul.
I would give you everything.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I’m not capable of love.
I would give you everyth—
I’M NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.
I’M NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.
I’M NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.
I’M NOT CAPABLE—
“FUCKING STOP! STOP IT! YOU FUCKING LIAR!” I slammed my hands against the steering wheel, over and over and over, shaking the entire car, my bones vibrating from the impact. Harder. Harder. Harder. Harder. I needed to feel the pain. I needed to feel something that wasn’t him.
At some point, my forehead slammed into the wheel, but I didn’t even notice. Not when I was breaking. Now when I had completely spiraled… not when I could barely feel, think, taste, imagine anyone but him… and because I was a coward, a stupid fucking coward, I let him get away.
Weeks passed.
The exhibit was this Friday.
In the time that passed, I avoided Gavin as much as I could and checked my phone every night to see if I received a message from Beckham.
One would assume I would be happy that he ghosted me since all I’d ever done was tell him to leave me alone, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Scrolling through old messages, my fingers hovering over his name, and… Nothing. Just absolute silence.
It felt like I was now the one with the fixation, the obsession , as I preoccupied my days and nights thinking about his confession and the stupid way I rejected him.
All for a man who essentially rejected me our whole marriage. Gavin seemed to think I was still angry about his request for a baby, but that simply wasn’t the case. I was ignoring him because of Beckham.
Because I was practically tearing myself apart each time I even thought about going back to the way things were, when I would have chosen to be compliant rather than happy.
Even with this revelation, I still couldn’t get out of my thoughts. I needed air. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. Which warranted my four AM runs every morning.
Sometimes, I would stop by Kira’s, who was growing increasingly worried about me. Other times, I’d pass by the museum I was hoping to buy someday. Lately, I purposely avoided it because of the shocking reality that Helen sold it.
Well, not so shocking, actually. She needed to sell the place, and I was broke… well, I am broke. When I stopped by sweaty and out of breath the other day, Helen seemed upset as she informed me she’d accepted another offer. I should have seen it coming.
After hearing the news, I was devastated, heartbroken , but that’s just how business works. You either have the money, or you don’t. I obviously didn’t… I never had enough… I was never enough.
So to combat my routine rumination that often left me in a downward spiral, I began running.
And to be completely honest, running is all I’d been doing lately.
Whether it was from the man I loved or the feeling I tried to hide, it had been my refuge every morning, and some late nights if I couldn’t sleep.
Gavin didn’t seem to care. He thought my silence was an act of protest, a temporary rebellion before I gave in , before I folded like I always did .
He was used to me accepting his empty promises and worthless apologies, but this time, he wasn’t budging first. And as my wedding ring sat on the nightstand for the fifth day in a row, neither was I.
Stopping in the middle of my run, I placed my hands on my knees, dry heaving as I tried to breathe. My stomach in knots, my clothes and hair clinging to my sweaty skin. One thing I hated was my inability to push through my fatigue.
I wanted to vomit.
But I deserved this.
I deserved every second of this pain.
I was pushing my body too much… punishing it almost. Sometimes I knew when to stop and take a breath when I got the sick feeling of wanting to vomit out of exhaustion.
My chest was constricted as I breathed, and my forehead dripped with sweat. But I had to do something to get my mind free to allow me space to think and breathe, something to help me outrun my racing thoughts. Despite the occasional pain, so far, it ’ s been pretty successful.
“Rosenna?” I heard beside me, and I internally groaned. On second thought…
Lifting my head, I was met with Brent, who was removing an earphone as he made eye contact with me. He seemed to be going on a run himself, judging from his athletic attire.
Standing up, I wiped my flyaways as I nodded his way. “Hi, Brent,” I said as I tightened the tracksuit jacket over my waist. The rest of my attire consisted of a cropped gym tank, leggings, and running shoes.
“Hi…” Brent replied, almost confused, though he continued as he gave me a once-over. “Looks like you’ve been out here quite some time.”
I shrugged, slowly catching my breath. “Probably around three hours? I’m heading to Kira’s now to take a shower and go to the office with her.”
Brent nodded. “Gavin told me you were running more these days. You look great.”
I wasn’t running to lose weight or to be more healthy. I ran because I was going fucking crazy, and I needed a distraction.
As I took a sip of my water, Brent’s jaw clenched. “He’s worried about you, you know. He told me you took off your wedding ring a few days ago.”
I shrugged. “Didn’t feel right wearing it.”
“He wants to work things out, Rosenna… he wants to make things up to you.”
“He has a funny way of showing it,” I retorted.
“He wants to make things right,” Brent reiterated.
I said nothing.
Deciding to continue my walk, I began making my way out of the park. Brent followed.
“This Friday is the big day, huh?” he remarked. “Beckham must be excited.”
“If he is, I wouldn’t know. I doubt he’ll even be there,” I muttered.
“He isn’t excited to go to his own art exhibit?”
“No. Not at all.”
Brent shook his head as a chuckle surfaced. “Can’t say I’m too surprised. That guy is unpredictable. I wonder what his muse is. What inspires a guy like him to create?”
First, it was to understand his emotions, and up until recently, it was me . I was his muse. I drove his passion because he wanted to know, understand, learn, and analyze me.
Shrugging once again in response to Brent, we continued walking.
“Probably a bit too personal to ask,” he cut through the awkward silence, “but how much do you think you’ll make on opening night?”
I gave him a subtle side-eye. “Not sure. We have a few of Mr. Garcia’s billionaire posse coming, so I’m praying we break at least a million. But realistically, I’m thinking four to five hundred grand.”
“With all of your expenses and actually paying Beckham… how much are you going to pocket as profit?”
All of the profits made during the art exhibit, all of the profit you can make sharing my artistry with the world, will solely belong to you. I don’t need anything in return. The only thing I want, Flower, is you .
“All of it.” I breathed out.
Brent paused as he stared at me incredulously. “You’re kidding.”
“I’m not.”
His eyes widened in surprise. “Wow... I have no words. How did you score that?”
I shrugged innocently, not ready to dive headfirst into telling him of my infidelity.
“Does Gavin know?”
I shook my head silently.
Brent’s lips parted, and for a split second, I swore I could see a sense of alarm in his eyes. “So... why are you telling me?”
“Because you asked… and because I’ll be putting an early payment towards the loan at the end of next week.”
“How much?”
“Depends on how much we make.”
“You’re going to use every cent of what you make to pay back the loan?” he muttered, still in disbelief, and I nodded.
“Why wouldn’t I? Isn’t that what you do when you have a loan that has an unlivable interest rate and a lender that stabs you in the back?” I asked, almost truthfully.
Brent looked taken aback by my words.
I felt bad, but with years of dealing with unfair interest rates and Gavin as the middleman to speak with him, I think it’s safe to say my hostility and slightly bitter attitude was justified.
“Rosenna… I helped you when you needed me,” he said.
“Unfortunately, after this, I won’t need you anymore.”
“Regardless, I’ve been there for you, Rosenna. Both Gavin and me. You can’t just throw it all away and act like we didn’t help you. Who are you going to find to lend you millions of dollars? Negotiations aren’t as easy as we’ve made it seem.” For some reason, he seemed panicked.
Isn’t this what he and Gavin thought I’d never do? Why is the idea of me paying off the loan better than me actually putting in the effort and finally doing it?
“Even after you pay your bill, as simply a friend, I can still give you assistance,” Brent continued.
I recalled a similar conversation when he encountered Beckham and me outside of the museum.
“If you’re serious about this, you know I’m always available to lend you assistance, Rosenna,” he assured me, but before I could even utter a word, Beckham spoke for me as he tilted his head.
“Something tells me she won’t be needing it.”
Giving Brent a smile, I sighed happily as I shrugged. “Well, something tells me I won’t be needing it.”
He seemed to go quiet as I turned and continued my run.
I didn’t want to leave him speechless, but recently, I found myself speaking my mind more frequently. Maybe it was building up to finally confront Gavin, though I knew I was only building up the courage to face Beckham after what I put him through.