Chapter 11 #2
‘Very you!’ Tiggy called out. She put on a large, lacy wedding veil, complete with bunches of dried red roses stuck in a clump to the top, just above her forehead.
‘Very Big Fat Greek Wedding!’
‘Charming! And seeing as we are Danish, not Greek, I should probably be looking for a wedding crown.’ Tiggy laughed as she pulled off the scrap of lace.
They turned their attention to the kitsch ornaments that lined the shelves, doubling up with laughter at the sight of a china clown figurine with, of all things, a working clock where his stomach should be.
It was hideous – and the kind of thing their gran would have favoured, and placed in a crowded, dusty display cabinet.
‘Oh no! That’s too horrible! It would give me nightmares.’ Nina pulled a face.
‘Who would want this in their home?’ Tiggy questioned.
A matronly lady with an ample bosom broke in. ‘I should have you know that I have only just brought that in, and it has sat on my mantelpiece for years! It has always been much admired!’
The sisters managed to mumble their apologies before shuffling from the shop and collapsing onto each other on the pavement, giggling like kids.
Still tittering at the memory as they sat on the bus, Nina thought of the furniture and bits and bobs that were in storage with Mr Firth.
Everything had happened in such a rush that she hadn’t made the best job of deciding what to take, what to leave and what to discard.
She thought of the slender desk table that Connor could use.
There were also a couple of lampshades she would like, more towels, some bed linen and even their summer clothes.
The two tramped home with a bright wool-knit throw and two matching cushions. Nina looked at the items lying in a heap on the sitting-room floor and marvelled at just how much these little touches meant.
Removing the sofa seat cushions, she plumped them and vacuumed the crumbs and dust from underneath.
She then folded the new throw over one of the arms and arranged the new cushions against the back.
When Nina stood back to admire her handiwork, she had to admit that the green velour sofa now seemed more vintage chic than secondhand skip-worthy. It made her smile.
‘You’re finding your stride, Nina,’ Tiggy remarked.
‘I think maybe I am.’ It was still hard for her to think further than a day ahead. And whilst there were high points, her thoughts were still a tangle. She still felt alone, and more than a little afraid for the future. Her job was great, but they weren’t out of the woods.
‘I had a thought on how we could make three bedrooms here,’ Tiggy said.
Nina followed her along the hallway which, interestingly, she no longer thought of as claustrophobic, as if her mind had shifted its expectations to fit the space she now inhabited.
Her bedroom was a decent size, with two windows that looked out over the street.
‘I was thinking about it last night. All we have to do is put a wall up!’ Tiggy smiled.
‘With a clever bit of shifting around, and the addition of a stud wall, we could turn this space into two bedrooms, giving all of you a decent place to sleep. I know it would all depend on the cost, and permission of course from Fred. But I think it’s possible. ’
Nina remembered her old life, when all she had to do to get a spot of remodelling done was pick up the phone to McCarrick Construction and, like magic, workmen would appear who were all highly motivated to do the very best job.
She thought about the number she had last dialled all those weeks ago and the surly man that had then answered the phone.
‘Are you okay?’ Tiggy grabbed her arm. ‘You look like you’re about to fall over!’
‘I’m fine.’ She forced a smile. ‘It’s a good idea, but there’d be no point, as I doubt we’ll be staying here that long.’
‘Where is it you are going?’ her sister asked flatly.
‘I . . . I don’t know, but I will save from my job and try to get a bigger flat with a bit more space for us all. There’s no storage here, and the boys are crammed in . . .’
‘And then what? An even bigger place? A swimming pool? Two swimming pools?’
‘No! Of course not.’ She chafed at Tiggy’s judgemental tone. ‘I only want enough.’
‘And when will you know when you have enough? When will you sit back and look up at the sky and feel satisfied?’ Tiggy cocked her head to one side.
Nina pictured her sister’s homely room above the pub, and blinked with the familiar feelings of guilt and uncertainty. ‘I don’t know,’ came her truthful reply. ‘I just have it set in my head: work hard, save, move on.’
‘But don’t you get it?’ Tiggy asked. ‘That’s what everybody wants, what everyone thinks and plans, but look’ – she pointed out of the window – ‘we are all still here!’
‘I hadn’t . . .’
‘Hadn’t what?’ Tiggy pushed.
‘Hadn’t considered that this might be our final destination.’
‘No, because you are hoping for better,’ Tiggy accurately assessed.
‘But here’s the thing, Nina. I think happiness lies in being content now – right now!
Every day! That’s not to say you can’t plan and work for change, but if you are constantly waiting for happiness to start, waiting for the change that will make it happen, then you just might miss some really good days along the way. ’
Tiggy’s words hit her hard. ‘You make me sound ungrateful and I’m not. I only want to make life as nice as I can for the boys. I keep wondering why the previous tenants didn’t fix this place up a bit.’
‘It’s called poverty, Nina,’ Tiggy spat.
Nina gave her a sharp look. ‘I know that. You think I don’t? I’m in a crappy rented flat on a main road that is so noisy I can hardly think! You think I don’t know about hardship?’ Her voice cracked.
‘Nina.’ Tiggy stood tall. ‘You have been living here for a matter of weeks. You have had a life of charm and luxury up until this point. And you and the kids aren’t starving, and you are not homeless. You really need to keep things in perspective.’
It was alarming to both how quickly their exchange had escalated, especially after such a pleasant afternoon, as if the cork had been shifted accidentally and the genie had come flying out of the bottle quicker than anyone could contain.
‘I need to keep things in perspective?’ She gave an ironic laugh. ‘Jesus Christ, my whole life has been turned upside down! I have lost my husband, my home, my security, and I am trying to keep everything together.’
‘I know, but I have to say, Nina, that the girl who grew up here, who had so much energy, so much confidence . . .’ She shook her head. ‘She would be horrified to see how you now struggle.’
‘You think I want to struggle? I don’t have much money! I can’t do the things that—’
‘No.’ Tiggy cut her short. ‘You misunderstand me. I don’t mean struggle financially, I mean struggle with life, the way everything feels like a hurdle. She wouldn’t recognise you!’
‘I don’t recognise me!’ Nina felt the threat of tears.
‘This is exactly what I mean about how you have changed. Tears never used to be your default setting.’
‘That is so unfair!’ Nina cursed the tears that gathered, not wanting to prove her sister’s point.
‘Is it? I know things are rough for you right now and I am sorry for that, but you have to stop playing the part of Mrs Finn McCarrick and find the old Nina!’
‘What on earth do you mean by that?’
‘I used to worry, when you first met Finn . . .’ Tiggy halted mid-sentence.
‘Worry about what? Come on, say it!’ She put her hands on her hips.
‘I used to worry that you weren’t always yourself when you were with him.’
‘Not myself?’ Nina felt her pulse quicken.
Tiggy turned to face her sister. ‘It was like you were playing a part, figuring out how to be the person you thought he wanted, wary of your actions, your words. As if Nina from Portswood just wasn’t good enough.’
‘That’s not true!’
‘It is. It is true,’ Tiggy retorted. ‘I watched you, Nina, I watched you shrinking, getting smaller and smaller until you could barely be heard. And it was tough to witness the essence of you eroded with every year you spent with him.’
‘What are you talking about, “eroded”?’ she spat.
‘I’m talking about the fact that you hint that things between you and Finn weren’t perfect, and I want to yell “No shit!” He lied to you, kept you in the dark, never treated you like an equal. And he left you in this mess that he created. He was never satisfied. Didn’t know when he had enough.’
Nina felt as if she had been punched in the stomach, but Tiggy wasn’t done.
‘He had a nice life, a great life! With all that you could ever need, and more, but Finn pushed on and on, bigger and better, until you were stretched so thin, things shattered! And he kept it from you, all of it! Why would he do that?’
As hurt as she was shocked by the words, Nina sat down on the sofa. It was as if Tiggy had gone inside her head and pulled out her innermost secrets. It made her feel exposed, raw and embarrassed.
Tiggy folded her arms across her chest. ‘You want to know why I stopped visiting? You want to know why it was a relief when you didn’t bother calling me and why I found it impossible to pick up the phone to you?’
Nina gave a single nod, petrified and curious.