Chapter 11 #4
Nina sank down with her back against the door. Her sister’s words had sparked something inside. The gloss had indeed dulled on her shiny marriage, the one thing she had always held up as a perfect example.
I am thinking about the old me, Finn, the me before you – and you know there was a lot about me I didn’t like, but there was a lot that I did like. I used to have the confidence to be funny, to make jokes. Tig is right, I lived as though I were hiding behind a tree, fearful . . .
She pictured the many meals she had served to her family as they sat at the table, with her hovering by the island in case they wanted drinks or more food, while they talked and laughed together.
She remembered the man who had answered the phone call that day, and had laughed at her when she was unaware that the business was no more.
She thought about her gilded cage, filled with lovely, lovely things .
. . and her sister, her protector for as long as she could remember, the girl who brushed her hair when there was no mum to undertake the task, and whom she had abandoned in favour of a new shiny life.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, hoping her words would float out across the cold sky and land on Tiggy’s shoulders as she made her way along Portswood Road.
Nina spent all night lying in bed, replaying the words of their fight. Not only was she saddened that their reconnection had suffered, but their argument had reinforced the fact that, apart from the boys, she only had Tiggy.
Looking out onto the grey, rain-filled street, she remembered days like this from her childhood.
Tiggy would always tell her that ‘Christmas is right around the corner!’ even when it wasn’t – it was enough to fuel her happiness for a while.
The fact that Christmas was always disappointing as far as presents went, and that good cheer was in fairly short supply in her family, didn’t matter; Tiggy had the knack of creating the possibility of magic, and that, in Nina’s less than perfect life, was the greatest gift her sister could have given her.
Thankful for her afternoon shift at work that day, Nina took advantage of her free morning, pulled on her jacket and boots and walked to the pub.
It was mid-morning, an hour before opening.
Nina pushed on the door and, finding it open, she walked in.
Tiggy was dusting the tabletops. Nina gave her a tenuous smile.
Tiggy looked at her sister, and then immediately away; the embarrassment of their exchange lingered.
The two then shared a small, awkward laugh and it broke the ice.
They looked at each other with the slow, creeping smiles of an understanding bound by blood, love and shared history.
‘I keep thinking about all the things you said to me, and I know that it’s the truth,’ Nina said. ‘I just didn’t want to hear it. It was more than I thought I could cope with. I don’t want to think of myself as someone who was hoodwinked, fooled. It makes me sound stupid.’
‘No, that’s not it!’ her sister answered strongly. ‘That’s not what I meant to imply at all. I don’t think you are stupid, far from it, but I do think you have had your head in the sand.’
‘Or behind a tree.’
‘Yep, or behind a tree.’ Tiggy held her gaze.
‘I know that I hurt you. And I’m sorry.’
Tiggy sighed and nodded as she placed the cloth on a table. ‘I didn’t intend to speak as I did . . .’
‘Well, you know, it’s done, and it’s good.’ Nina shrugged. ‘We have big gaps to fill, you and I, and that’s going to take time, isn’t it?’
‘Yep.’ Tiggy made her way to the bar and flicked on the coffee machine. ‘But I shouldn’t have been so blunt.’
‘You’ve always been that way, all or nothing, and I guess I got it all.’ Nina tried out another smile, which her sister returned.
‘You did, but it was unfair of me. I forgot that you are fragile . . . that you have lost someone you loved, and I am sorry. I stand by what I said, but I should have dished it out in bite-sized chunks.’
Nina rubbed her forehead. ‘Finn dying has been the worst thing I could imagine, and then the bankruptcy . . . Losing The Tynings has deprived me of so much more than my home. It has taken away my future. I thought I would grow old there, welcome the boys’ partners around the dining table .
. . I even saw my grandchildren running over the lawns and splashing in the pool.
But worse than that is that the situation has made the past a lie, and it has robbed me of the chance to grieve for the man I loved, made me question whether I knew him at all. ’
‘I know, and I didn’t want to throw you any more off course. No matter what has happened over the last few years, regardless of where the faults lie, I know you can get back on your feet and find balance, take control. I have faith in you.’
Nina flooded with relief. She still hadn’t fully dealt with all the points Tiggy had raised, but one thing was for sure: the love she had for her sister was bigger than any row, any difference of opinion.
‘I was going to come over to you today anyway, albeit a little bit later,’ Tiggy said as she sliced lemons and topped up the ice bucket for her lunchtime shift.
‘You were?’
‘Yes. I didn’t like the idea of us not talking. I’ve already got used to having you around.’
Nina felt tears rising. ‘Me too. I am very wary of crying, even with happiness. I don’t want you to think that’s my default setting!’
Tiggy let out a roar of laughter. ‘You are so dramatic. You know that old phrase, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone”?’
Nina gave a brief nod.
‘Well, I always think it should be followed by the line, “And the reason is because no one really gives a shit about your woes when they have their own to deal with”.’
‘In my mind, when I think back to my childhood, you were much kinder,’ Nina said, chuckling.
‘No, I was always this horrible. I saw it as my job to toughen you up. To help you survive, subtly training you to pick out the liars, stand up for yourself, make good choices – getting you ready to go out into the wild!’
‘Did it work?’
Tiggy turned and chased her with the hot teaspoon she had just extracted from her coffee cup, cornering her against the wall. She touched the spoon to the top of her sister’s hand. Nina yelped.
Tiggy smiled. ‘I’m going to say no. Otherwise you would have learned to disarm the spoon, and you would definitely own your own drill.’