Chapter 12 #2
‘Great.’ He nodded.
‘Is that all I am going to get? “Great”? I’ve been on tenterhooks all day! Give me the details!’ she yelled.
He brushed the hair from his forehead and met her gaze.
‘It was more than great, actually. The team is good, like, really good.’ He sat forward.
‘I’ve only ever thought that the Kings Norton boys could play.
That’s kind of what the coach told us – that we had a certain way of playing that others didn’t get – and I believed him. ’
‘A bit like the fact that the Great Wall of China can be seen from space?’ she quipped.
‘Yeah, I guess so. But I did believe it, Mum, I wanted to believe it. It felt great to be part of something that I thought was the best, and because of that I’ve been dreading playing anywhere else. But Cottrell’s has a good squad.’
‘What position were you?’
‘Winger.’
‘And do you think they’ll give you a game?’ she asked.
‘I do. I’ve got to keep turning up for practice and working hard, but I reckon I’ll make the team. The boys are nearly all two years older than me, but that means even if I only get on the bench, I’ve got two years to earn a place and keep it,’ he said excitedly.
‘I’m really proud of you.’ She reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards her in a rare hug. To her delight, he didn’t push her away.
‘Is it okay if I go out tonight?’
‘Go out?’
‘Yes, with some of the guys from the team?’
His request caught her a little off guard. Her concerns about not being out too late on a school night and whether he had any homework were far outweighed by her sheer delight to think that her eldest boy might have made a friend.
‘Yes, of course!’ She concentrated on not sounding over-eager.
‘Brandon’s coming over soon. We’re going to the Westquay shopping centre and then to Sprinkles for a milkshake.’
‘Brandon, as in Brandon who you hate?’ she asked.
Connor laughed loudly. ‘He’s hilarious, Mum.’
It was the first time in ages she had heard him speak normally and openly, without barbs. It was wonderful.
‘So is that okay?’
‘It’s more than okay,’ she said, smiling.
‘Just you and me tonight, Mum.’ Declan beamed. ‘Shall we watch a film on my laptop?’
All she really wanted was a hot bath and her pyjamas.
‘I’d love that. Let me just grab a cup of coffee and I am all yours.’ She ruffled his hair and made her way to the kitchen. Caffeine would help.
Nina felt warm at the fact that Connor was going out with friends – friends!
How wonderful! It occurred to her then that, in that moment, with something to celebrate, her first thought had not been to tell Finn.
There was no mental door slam of realisation that he was gone, no jarring bolt of grief; instead, she felt a kind of peace, knowing she was doing okay.
She stirred sometime later, after they’d watched the movie and Declan had gone to bed, at the sound of a key in the door.
It was Connor arriving home a little before nine o’clock. She sat up and he lowered himself onto the sofa next to her.
‘Declan asleep?’
‘Yes, we had a lovely evening. We watched Avengers Assemble. Again. I think he spoke every line along with the film.’
‘Dad used to go to sleep and wake up just before the end, and then say how much he’d enjoyed it.’
Nina gave a small laugh. ‘He worked hard for us, your dad, and when he stopped, and sat down, he couldn’t help but nod off. It was like he had one of those power-saving buttons.’
‘Do you think . . . ?’ Connor paused.
‘Do I think what?’
‘Do you think that Dad crashed because he had so much on his mind, worrying about the money and everything?’
Connor’s words sounded rehearsed, she suspected, diluted and censored after much thought since the night Mackintosh and Vooght had ransacked their home.
She recalled the way he had looked at her, a similar expression to the one he now bore, sad and unsure of what answer he sought: ‘Mum? You don’t think he .
. . ?’ She thought she had put the question out of his mind; turns out she had merely tamped it down, where the idea had continued to smoulder.
She looked at him, sensing that he was seeking reassurance as much as truth.
‘I think it’s possible that he was distracted, yes.
But the truth is, we will never know, not for sure, and so for me, and I am sure for you too, it feels gentler, easier, to accept that it was an accident on a horrible bend that is notoriously dangerous, and Dad was going too fast, just like the police report said. ’
Connor nodded. Her response was enough, for now.
‘I miss him,’ he confessed.
‘I know, and I think you always will, but we can still go on to have full, happy lives. Because life doesn’t end just because someone is no longer with you.’
There was a moment or two of reflective silence.
‘Did you have a good time tonight?’ she asked.
‘Yep.’ He picked at the hem of his shirt, smiling. ‘We just hung out at the mall.’
‘Funny to think it wasn’t built when I lived here,’ she said.
‘Did they even have roads here then?’ he queried.
‘Just about. We needed them to get our horse and cart around.’ She nudged him.
‘We had a laugh. It’s different, you know, from what I used to do with George and Charlie.’
She nodded, thinking of the hours they had spent in the home cinema or playing tennis or roaming the grounds on the quad bikes. Yes, it was. Very different.
‘Have you heard from those guys much?’ She was wary of disturbing their newfound peace.
‘Not so much, but I know they are busy . . .’ He blinked.
‘How do you feel about that? Would you like more contact with them?’
‘It’s funny, last week I would have said yes, but now’ – he looked up at her – ‘I think it’s probably easier to move on if we leave things as they are.
If I see them, great, I’d love it, but .
. .’ He paused. ‘It helps when I’m out with the guys from school if I’m not thinking about my old mates. You know?’
‘Yep, I do know. Living in the now. It’s getting late, Con, and you need to get your prep done, if you have any?’
‘My homework, you mean? Only a bit of reading. Think I’ll do it in bed.’
‘Sure. Goodnight, love.’ She watched him walk from the room. He looked taller. She knew the questions about Finn’s death would arise again and she hoped that, from a more stable foundation, she would be able to work it through with him.
Her chest tightened when she pictured Finn’s note, scrawled in haste and left unfinished: ‘With every day comes a new pressure that is pushing down down down & I don’t know what will break first, me or my world .
. .’ The sadness she felt at his isolated distress did not, however, lessen.
She wondered if it ever would, and now it was layered with the doubts about her marriage.
To try to pick through the mess was mentally exhausting.
Nina reached for Declan’s dinner plate and his leftover baked potato.
She picked up a chunk and popped in her mouth.
She closed her eyes and saw Finn coming in late from work.
He had stopped at the kitchen island, under the dazzling spotlights, and she watched as he forked a mouthful of cold cauliflower cheese into his mouth.
‘Mmm, delicious!’
‘Darling, you don’t have to eat it cold, and you don’t have to eat off my plate.
I can serve you up a fresh bowlful, if you like?
’ She had run her hand across his broad back, feeling the muscles underneath.
‘I knew you’d be in late. There’s plenty in the fridge.
The boys had it with crispy bacon and a salad – want me to make that for you? ’
‘No, thanks.’ He shook his head, going in for a second forkful.
‘Here’s the thing.’ He waved the long-tined fork in her direction.
‘Have you ever noticed that food eaten from someone else’s plate or bowl always tastes a thousand times better than it does from your own?
It’s a similar thing with toast. Toast is simply toast, dry bread made brown, until someone else makes it for you, and then it is transformed into a mouth-watering, delicious feast of Michelin-star proportions. ’
‘I think you need to come home late more often if this is the mood you arrive in.’ She kissed his cheek as she walked past, on her way back to the soft chair with a view over the pool and terrace, where a glass of wine waited for her.
‘I love you, Mrs McCarrick,’ he had called out.
She looked back at him over her shoulder, heart swelling with joy at her lucky, lucky life. ‘And I love you.’
‘There was good in our marriage, Finn,’ she whispered now as she made her way along the corridor towards her bedroom. ‘So much good.’