Chapter Twenty-Six
Dani
ONE POINT TWO MILLION VIEWS.
Three hundred thousand likes. Two thousand comments. Four thousand saves. Thirty-five hundred shares.
Those are the stats on the video I posted about Nigel and other assholes I’ve come across in the industry two days ago.
There’s some trolls in the comments calling me a liar or saying I should’ve just kept my mouth shut if nothing actually happened, which I expected. Usually, I eat internet trolls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but the high of finally getting all that off my chest has me not caring to engage.
Most of the responses have been overwhelmingly positive.
Other women have already started to come out to tell their stories about Nigel.
Some of them weren’t as fortunate as me to get away and I feel guilty for that.
I know I wasn’t the first woman he tried to take advantage of, but would it have made a difference for the ones after me if I had said something sooner?
“Can I ask what you’re thinking about?” Dr. Goode prompts.
For a moment, I forgot I was in her office, that I was thinking about the video because she asked me how I felt about its success.
“To be honest? I don’t know.”
She gives me time to elaborate.
“I feel amazing about the video. I’m proud of that, but I still feel disappointed.”
“Disappointed, why?”
“For not speaking up sooner.”
“You spoke up when you were ready to.”
“That’s not good enough,” I spit. My harsh tone ricochets through her office.
She doesn’t try to cut through the tension of my outburst. She lets us sit in its heaviness. Her eyes aren’t angry, judgmental, or pitying. They’re just accepting. She uncrosses and recrosses her legs before speaking. “Were there any other reasons you felt disappointed?”
The words feel like bile coming out, but I let them out anyway. “I let him affect me. I … the first panic attack I ever had was because of him, so it’s like, yes, it’s great that I finally shared the truth out loud but …” The rest of the words glue themselves to the roof of my mouth.
“You feel like because he triggered a panic attack for you before and he did again this past weekend that you haven’t really made any progress,” Dr. Goode offers.
I turn to the wall, hating that she was able to so clearly put my emotions to words. That’s exactly it. What good is allowing myself to be vulnerable if the sight of Nigel is still going to reduce me to a blubbering mess? “Yes,” I acknowledge.
“Okay, I see what you’re saying. So, let me ask you this. We’ve talked about your friends Amerie and Janelle and their relationship. Will you think less of Janelle if she does make amends with Amerie?”
“Of course not.”
“Why?”
My blood starts to boil at that. I haven’t been opening up to her for her to try to get me to look down on my friends. “They’re sisters. Of course it’s not gonna be easy for her to suddenly go no-contact. She may not even want to do that and that’s her choice.”
“And other victims of sexual abuse and sexual harassment, do you look down on them for not speaking up right away or at all?”
“Never.”
“So, why is it that you can extend grace to everyone but yourself?”
The question sits atop my chest like an anvil. “Well, my situation is not the same as Janelle’s.”
She tilts her head. “You’re willing to acknowledge that Janelle’s relationship with her sister is complicated and that her healing process may not be linear, but you think yours should be?”
I open and close my mouth three times before giving up completely.
Dr. Goode presses on. “You acknowledge that women who have been in your situation deserve grace and respect and the freedom to take whatever course of healing suits them best, but you’re not included in that?”
Tears burn my eyes and Dr. Goode passes me a tissue before the first one falls. “He doesn’t deserve my tears,” I cry.
She passes me another tissue. “He doesn’t.
But you do.” A beat passes before she adds, “Dani. You can’t expect the panic attacks to just magically go away.
That’s not realistic. Who knows, maybe the third time you see him, you won’t have a panic attack.
And maybe the eighth time, you’ll have another one. ”
I hope I never get to eight times of being in his vicinity again. Hell, I pray I never get to three.
“Regardless of whether they happen or not doesn’t mean you’re not progressing.”
I let her words sink in, truly sink in. Deep down, I know she’s right. I just have to get to a place where I’m okay with believing that.
“Okay, Goode doctor, I hear you.”
She laughs at the moniker I’ve given her. “Good. Remember, a few weeks ago you weren’t even willing to call them panic attacks. That’s progress in itself.”
She’s got me there.
We spend the rest of our session talking about ways to manage panic attacks. She’s very impressed with Micah for knowing the five-four-three-two-one method. I’m very impressed with him for a lot of reasons.
When our session is over, Micah is waiting for me in the parking lot. He greets me with a kiss that makes my toes curl.
“How’d it go?”
“She read me for filth, yet again. So, good,” I admit.
He squeezes my thigh with a smile. We’re headed to Victor’s office to pick up his item for the auction. With the gala getting closer, we’re sorting out the very last details.
When we get there, Victor doesn’t spend too much time on small talk, which he knows I appreciate. He turns to his bookshelf and grabs the glass-covered rose, placing it in front of us.
“Wait, you’re auctioning this away?” I say in disbelief.
“Yes. Tanya gave me this one month after we started working together. She said she couldn’t bear to sit in my office for another day without some color to remind her she wasn’t in a mental institution.
And for years, this thing brought all the color and light to my office.
I’m hoping it can do the same for someone else now. ”
I’ve never seen Victor more clearly than I do in this moment.
“Did you ever tell her?” I ask.
He scrunches his nose. “Tell her what?”
“That you were in love with her.”
He doesn’t try to deny it. He closes his eyes with a serene smile. “No. No, I didn’t.”
“But why?” I know I said I don’t understand why people fall in love, but if you’re already on the ship, why sink alone?
He lets out a light huff. “You saw the same videos and read the same letters I did, Dani. Tanya had a huge heart, and she shared it with so many. She loved me dearly, as a friend. But when it came to romance, she had room in her heart for only one man, and she’s with him now.”
Sorrow seeps into my skin for this man that I once detested. He sat by Tanya’s side without a care in the world for his own feelings, simply because she needed him. Even I have to admit how painfully beautiful that is.
My mind slips, as it so often does, to the man beside me. One who shows up for me in that way even when I don’t want to accept it. I turn to find Micah’s eyes already gazing back. Yes, Micah terrifies me. But do I want to have the same ending as Victor?
“Do you wish you could’ve just loved her as a friend? Would that have been easier?”
He ponders. “Easier, maybe. But, no. I don’t wish I could’ve changed my feelings.” He looks to the ceiling. “It was an honor to love Tanya. Even if she couldn’t love me back the way I wanted.”
Somehow I knew that’s what he was going to say.
Micah and I walk out, the rose nestled against his side. As we reach the car, he stops and grabs my hand with his free one. “I think it’s my turn to ask you on a date, no?”
There go those butterflies, taking flight in my stomach again. “I do think it’s your turn, yeah.”
“Okay.” He lets go of my hand and walks over to the passenger door to open it for me. “Hey, Dani?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you go on a date with me?”
I can’t bring myself to say it yet, but I could see myself going on a lifetime of dates with this man.
“Gladly,” I say as I take my seat.
“What are you up to today?” I ask as I rub circles on Micah’s naked chest.
These days we don’t spend many nights apart, so I’m curled up in his bed, my body wrapped around his.
“I gotta meet up with the guys. We’re scoping out this building we may wanna buy.”
“What are you gonna do with it if you buy it?”
“It’s an apartment building. We heard that the owner is considering selling the place to a development company. If that’s true, we’ll offer to buy it and keep it as is.”
The work the Baltimore Collective does has always impressed me. “Got it.”
“What about you? What are you doing today?”
“I think I’m gonna go to the rec center.”
He sits up in bed, his hand falling from my back to my ass. “Our rec center?”
“Since when is it our rec center?”
“That place brought us to Tanya and she brought us to each other, so it’s ours.”
“Mhm, right. Well, then yes, I’m gonna go to our rec center.”
“How come?”
I always visited Tanya at the rec center even after I left home, and I know Micah did too, but when she stopped working there, it wasn’t the same. Management didn’t put their all into the place like she did, so I stopped coming by. “I had a dream about her last night,” I confess.
“About Tanya?”
“Yeah. It was nice. We were at the rec center running lines for some movie. Don’t ask me what the hell the movie was about, but Tanya was giving it her all.”
“Of course,” he snickers.
The dream felt like a sign. A sign that something is waiting for me there. I intend to find out what that something is. Maybe it’s just a chance to experience her again; that would be enough for me.
I tell him this and he offers to come with me, but I decline. I feel it in my bones that I need to go alone.