Chapter 28
Iwas in the restoration room Monday morning when Sameer called. Two of the Arlington paintings had shown traces of fading, and it was more of an obsession than a necessity that I spent my days trying to ensure that the integrity of the paintings was maintained through the restoration process. When I got back to my office around noon, I turned off my Do Not Disturb and texted to see if he was up. He called back promptly.
“Hi,” I said with a smile.
“Hey, love.” He sounded weary.
“Long day?”
“It was emotionally exhausting. Facing one’s past is no small feat.”
“How did it go? Did you see Riya?”
“Yes, better than I had expected. I miss you so much, Tara. Makes me wonder how I lived without you for over a decade.”
“I miss you too. I can’t wait for you to get back. How’s Amar? Is he happy to be back in India?”
“He’s a contented soul. He’s happy wherever he is.”
“Hey, you forgot your ring at my place.”
“Oh!” he exclaimed. “I didn’t even notice it was missing.”
“What did you tell Aarti about the sudden departure?”
“Business trip.”
“She didn’t ask why? Especially when you had nothing planned until the night of?”
“No, but I said a new opportunity had come up and I needed to attend to it immediately.” He sighed. “She trusts me.”
“We need to tell her, Sameer. This isn’t right.”
“I know,” he said, and sighed again.
There was a brief silence.
“I’m planning a weekend trip to New York,” I said. “You and I can begin on a clean slate when you come back. When will you be back?”
“Not sure yet. Too much is hanging in the air.” He paused. “Alright, I’ll let you get on with your day. I’ll try and call whenever I can.”
After the call, I booked my return tickets to New York and called Sujit, Aai, and Sona to tell them I was coming. I kept the conversations brief. I still wasn’t sure how I was going to break it to Sujit. What would he think of me, but more importantly, how much would this hurt him?
After work on Friday evening, I took a flight to JFK. When I landed, I saw Sujit at the airport, despite my strict orders that I would take a cab. A wide grin, a warm embrace, a familiar kiss. My heart thumped hard, and my hands shivered with mixed feelings of happiness and guilt. I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach.
“I can’t wait to see Aai,” I said when we were in his car. “I wish I had your patience to keep a secret. But then, I think Aai would have a heart attack if I showed up unannounced.”
He glanced at me and smiled. “She’s waiting eagerly.”
“Sujit, there’s something important I need to talk to you about,” I said before I lost my nerve.
“Sure. What about?”
“Can we spend some time together tomorrow? Alone.”
“Uh-huh. Ms. Tara Kadam, I don’t trust you to behave yourself when we’re alone. Maybe I should get some reinforcements?”
Guilt and shame weighed down my breath.
“Where’s the laugh?” he said, glancing at me. “I thought that was very cute.”
I turned to him and smiled. “It was. You are terribly cute.”
“But?” He glanced at me again.
“But nothing. No buts. You’re cute. Period.”
“Uh-oh! That sounds ominous. You’re never this nice. Something’s up, isn’t it? You’re breaking up with me.” He was smiling with his eyes on the road, confident in his joke.
“How’s work?” I asked.
“Meh, same old. You?”
“It’s been a good two months. I got to learn some characteristic features of the Texas landscape in art.” Ah, small talk, the refuge of those who wish to avoid talking about real emotions. “Colleagues have been supportive. Can’t complain.”
I saw Aai on the balcony, and she waved at me as I exited the car. She was already at the door when we reached upstairs. Sujit helped me lug up my carry-on laden with paintings that I had brought back.
“Okay, I’ll let you both be,” Sujit said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Please come inside. For long time, she doesn’t see you, so please come and sit with us. You will not disturb us,” Aai said to Sujit in her tenuous English.
He smiled. “Thank you, Aai, but it is late. And I will see her tomorrow.” He had learned to pace his words so she could understand his curved Rs and soft Ts. This was the considerate Sujit I was preparing to devastate tomorrow.
After a very late but hearty dinner that included my favorite bhendi chi bhaji and poli, and tomato-onion koshimbir with crushed peanuts, Aai and I settled on the balcony with hot cups of tea. The sound of crickets stridulating in the distance, the light clouds hanging below the night sky, and the delicate smell of herbs and lilies wafting up from the downstairs balcony all reminded me of home. Aai, Baba, Dada, and me on our terrace on hot summer nights, playing cards, laughing hard. Sometimes, when my aunts, uncles, and cousins visited us, Dada, Baba, and I teamed up to cheat, winning round after round of rummy. When our scam was discovered, we had to agree to treat them to ice cream for a whole week. I smiled at the memory of my father’s warm face.
“Do you want to eat mutton tomorrow?” Aai asked.
I smiled again. Aai’s mutton curry used to be Baba’s favorite. It was the one thing he was most vocal about—his love for her curry and his disdain when others cooked it. Aai often reproached him for it.
“I’ve missed your mutton, Aai. But I’ll be out with Sujit tomorrow. I don’t know what the day looks like, so let’s not plan anything elaborate. Simple food is good.”
She nodded, took a sip of her tea, and watched me. “Something about you is amiss.” She didn’t beat around the bush this time.
“Aai, I want to tell you something.”
“Is it about Sameer?”
I took a deep breath. “Yes.”
She nodded.
“Aai, we knew each other in college.”
Knew,a euphemism because I couldn’t bring myself to tell her in explicit words that I was consorting with a young man when I was supposed to be focused on my education.
Another nod from her.
“I liked him a lot. He liked me too. When we reconnected in Dallas, we realized we still liked each other.”
Like, another euphemism.
“Hmm,” she said with a thoughtful frown. “Then what about Sujit?”
“I’m planning to tell him tomorrow.”
She gave a slow, thinking nod. I wanted to tell her everything that was passing through my mind, but I couldn’t. I merely stared at her beautiful face with its soft, aging features. I got off my chair and paced the balcony, sipping silently from my cup.
“Look, Rani, you’re smart, educated, and you have traveled the world. I’m a simple woman with very little exposure to the world beyond my own, so I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. All I can say is that you need to be absolutely certain, because such relationships can make or break your life. A single decision can be the difference between a happy life and a life full of regret. Now, I can’t say who can give you that happiness—Sameer or Sujit. For that, you will need to trust your own instincts.” Aai gulped the last of her tea and placed the cup down on the table. “The voice inside you will tell you what the right thing to do is. What does your voice tell you?”
“I like Sujit. I like him a lot. I respect him. But I like Sameer with an intensity I’ve never felt for Sujit. I feel it painfully in my heart, in the pit of my stomach.”
“Yes,” she said slowly. “I saw that.”
“What?”
“I saw it in your eyes when I was in Dallas. That’s why I asked you to be careful.”
Growing up, desire was such a taboo subject. Sex and love were accepted as natural, even normal, but never spoken about openly with parents out of respect for them. But the past few years had brought us closer in unusual ways. Now Aai and I relied on each other for love and survival.
The next morning, Sujit came over around 11 a.m. I donned a pair of jeans with a simple top and waited, anxiety burning a hole in my stomach. He arrived dressed sharp, business casual, gel in hair, stylish sunglasses, and happiness etched in his dimples.
“Who are you meeting all dressed up like this?” I teased.
“There is someone special,” he said, then gave a shy smile as he saw Aai watching him intently.
“I’m going to my room,” she said.
“No, we are leaving,” I said to her.
Sujit looked at me and remained steady in his place.
“What?”
“Can you put on something nicer? We’re going somewhere special.” I gave him an eyebrow raise. He was the last person who would be bothered with what I was wearing.
Aai had already disappeared into her room behind a closed door. If this were any other day, I would’ve moaned into his chest, asking him the reason for such a request. But this wasn’t just any day. This was the day I was breaking up with him.
“Okay.” I smiled. “A dress?”
“Yes, wear the blue one I like. You look great in that.”
“What’s going on, Sujit? You’re never like this.”
He pushed his hands into his trouser pockets and shrugged. “Maybe I missed you more than I thought.” He smiled, and my stomach turned again.
I quietly retreated to my room and changed into the blue dress. I had to swap my earrings for another pair to match the dress, and I picked a different shade of lipstick as well.
“How’s this?” I asked when I returned to the living room.
“Perfect. What’s wrong, darling?”
I forced a smile. “Nothing.”
“You look tense. I’m sorry I asked you to change.”
“No, it’s not that.” I comforted him with a quick squeeze of his arm. “Come on, let’s go, I’m hungry.”
But instead of driving us to a restaurant, he made leisurely stops, first at a florist to buy me a beautiful bouquet, then at his favorite bakery to pick up cupcakes. He took almost fifteen minutes trying to decide what he wanted. When we finally returned to the car, he began to drive us out of the city.
“Where are you taking me?” I asked, befuddled by his behavior.
His response was a sly grin.
“Are we going to your family home?”
“Darn, you’re smart, aren’t you?”
“Why are we going there? I’m hungry, Sujit. There better be food, or I promise I’ll gobble you up.”
“You can gobble me any time you like,” he said with a naughty smile.
“Oh my god, what the hell happened to you?” I said, part annoyed, part amused. “Who made you into this raunchy person? You got a flush when I first used dirty talk.”
He only shrugged.
“Don’t say it was me,” I warned, holding up my index finger. “I do not take responsibility for whatever is going on right now.”
He burst into a throaty laugh. “Oh, Tara, how I’ve missed you. I don’t think I’ve laughed from my belly since you left.”
Suddenly, the hollow in my stomach wasn’t from hunger. “Sujit, maybe we should talk somewhere quiet first?”
“What’s on your mind?”
But I didn’t want to blurt it out so casually, so callously. Maybe going to his family home was the perfect idea. It would be isolated, and that’s where our relationship began, kind of. Although the awkwardness on our ride back would be painful. But then, I wouldn’t ride back with him, would I? I could call rideshare…
“What are you thinking?”
I smiled and shook my head. “It’s a beautiful day,” I said, looking at the bright sun and lush greenery floating past the car windows.
“It is.” I heard the happiness in his voice.
When we pulled up at the house, a strange feeling hit me. I saw no cars in the street or the driveway, but the house didn’t exude the same quiet quality as the other times we had been here.
“Is anyone else joining us?” I asked.
He evaded my eye and shook his head. “No.”
But when he pushed open the large front door, I noticed it was unlocked.
“What’s going on, Sujit?” I hesitated outside the door. “I’m not getting a good feeling about this.”
“Oh, come on in!” He held my hand and gently pulled me inside.
The house appeared still, but I smelled food and heard a clink from some distant corner.
“Sujit—”
“Surprise!” A unified roar sliced through the silence of the cavernous house.
I trembled violently. Sujit’s arms engulfed me before I spotted Sona and Aai among a room full of strangers. Of all the faces in the room, only my mother’s matched mine, a visage of disbelief and sadness. She looked as stricken as I felt, so I knew she hadn’t known about the surprise when I left her this morning. I also saw a young couple and an older one, who I guessed from the resemblance were Sujit’s family.
“Happy early birthday, my love!” Sujit planted a firm kiss on my cheek. I exchanged a quick, uncomfortable look with Aai. Sona had a bright smile on her face.
“I don’t know what to say…” I turned to Sujit, my shaking hands gripping his to hold myself upright.
“We won’t see each other for your birthday, so I thought this was the perfect way to celebrate.” Gently, he pulled me toward his family.
“Amma, Nanna, this is Tara. Tara, my parents, and my brother and his wife.”
Everything felt out of sync, like an erratic dream. This was not where we were supposed to be, not what we were supposed to be doing—meeting his family for the first time at my surprise birthday party. My mind struggled to piece the day together. I longed to be in Sameer’s arms right now. I cast a guilty glance at Sujit. He was smiling as if this was the happiest day of his life.
The lunch was set up in the beautiful dining room with paintings that I had helped choose. Each piece of art looked down on me with contempt as I hung my head in shame while smiling all the smiles I could muster.
His family was warm and unassuming. They made me feel welcome and loved. It was already getting more difficult when Sujit brought out a cake frosted to look like one of the paintings in the living room. I might have mentioned that it was my favorite piece. My hands got clammy as Sujit handed me the knife. I cut a sliver, as if that would somehow compensate for the slash I was going to rip through his life. Breathe, I told myself.
It was almost twilight when the party began to break up. I learned from Sona that Sujit had arranged for a car for her and Aai. He had confided in Sona about the party, and after he had picked me up that morning, Sona called Aai. That was the reason for the detours we took before landing here. He was buying them time to arrive before us. I hadn’t told Sona the real reason for my visit. When the gravity of the event came crashing down on her, she sucked in a quick breath.
“That’s why your mom has been so quiet.” She cast a glance at Aai, who was talking to Sujit and his parents. “She looked sad on the ride over, but I couldn’t figure out why. Now I know. You’ve told her?”
I nodded. “Last night…I can’t breathe, Sona.”
She covered my hands with hers and patted them. “I know whatever you decide will be the right thing for you. Trust yourself, okay? I love you. I’ll come over when you’re back. You’re not alone, Tara. You have me. You know that, right?”
I nodded with my eyes lowered, resisting the urge to hug her tight.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” she asked as I squeezed her hand.
“No, I’ll text you when I’m back.”
Aai walked over to us. “Are you still going to tell him?” she asked in Marathi.
“I don’t know. Maybe not today.”
She kissed my forehead before she and Sona left for home. Sujit’s family left too. His sister-in-law and mother gave me warm hugs before driving off in their separate cars.
“We’re alone, now,” Sujit said, closing the door behind them.
“Yes. Thank you so much for such a special day.”
I smiled and gave him a formal hug.
“You can do better than that,” he said, gathering me in his arms. “I still haven’t given you your birthday present yet.”
“Sujit…”
“Yes…” He smiled suggestively.
“I don’t feel well…”
“Oh!” He released me and held my shoulders. “What happened?”
“I feel nauseous.”
It wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Okay, just relax. Here, sit here.” He led me to the couch. “Do you want some water?”
I shook my head. “I just need to rest for a bit.”
“Okay, take your time. There’s no rush. I’ll put out the trash quickly and get you some water. Is that good?”
I nodded, and he scurried away. Taking in deep breaths, I tried to regulate my heart rate, but it was a futile endeavor. When he came back a few minutes later, he smelled of floral hand soap and expensive cologne.
“Any better?” he asked, handing me a cold bottle of water.
“No, but I’ll be alright.” I twisted the top open and sipped.
He dropped onto the couch beside me and relaxed, our heads resting on the back, our chests rising and falling.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you.” He turned his head toward me. “The immigration attorney called. I was in a meeting, but he left a voicemail saying he has some good news. I’ll call him back on Monday for details.”
I looked up at the ceiling. Could this day get any more difficult?
“Thank you, Sujit.”
“Hey, haven’t I told you never to thank me?”
That’s what Sameer had said, you never have to thank me, Tara. A tear rolled down my cheek before I could stop it. Sujit saw it and moved closer.
“Hey, what’s the matter? You didn’t like the surprise?” He wrapped a gentle arm around me. “Was it too much bringing in my family without telling you first?”
“No, they are wonderful people.” I sniffled through my tears. “Everything was perfect. It’s just me. I haven’t been myself.”
“Yes, I noticed. Is that what you wanted to talk about?”
I wiped my tears and stood.
“It’s nothing. I’m overwhelmed seeing you after so long. I think I need some rest. Can you drop me back home?”
“Yes…of course…sure,” he said, and got up reluctantly. “Let me lock up.”
We drove back in silence.
“Thank you for the lovely surprise,” I said as he dropped me off, but he was visibly upset.
“Was it something I did, Tara?”
“No, Sujit.” I smiled. “Never. You can do no wrong. You’re a kind man. You’ll never hurt me in any way.”
Usually, when he dropped me off, I would ask him up. We would have tea or talk for a while. This time I bid him goodbye in the car and walked away without looking back.