57. The Negotiation #3
"Do you really think so little of me?" he asked. "That I would have stood by and watched them execute your brother?"
"You knew they were planning?—"
"I was going to stop it." Darkness flashed across his eyes. "Even if it meant going against him. Even if it meant—" He cut himself off, jaw clenched.
"You should have told me."
"Maybe I should have. But you know me." His tone wasn’t loud, but it sliced. "Or I thought you did. Just as I thought I knew you."
I went still. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"If I recall correctly, you had your own agenda in all of this, starling. Tell me, was any of it real? Or was I just convenient? The Death Prince foolish enough to give you access to his knowledge, his power, his domain?"
"That’s what you think?" Fury flashed beneath my skin.
"Weren't you? Every question about divine politics, about the Primordials, every moment you let me get closer—was any of it genuine? Or was I just the easiest path to your end goal? "
I opened my mouth to speak, but words didn’t come.
The accusation carved me thoroughly. Because he was right. In the beginning, that's exactly what he had been—a means to an end. A stepping stone on the path to revenge. I'd seen him as nothing more than a powerful mentor I needed to manipulate, to extract information from.
But somewhere along the way, everything had shifted.
I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. Was it when he’d stood by me during training, pushing me harder?
Or when he’d admitted that what was between us could never just be physical for him?
Maybe it was in the water that night, when everything changed with that kiss, when I saw behind his careful mask to the man who had spent his whole life believing love wasn't for someone like him.
Gods help me. I'd fallen for him. The one person I absolutely couldn't afford to love.
And it hurt. It threatened to rip my heart out. Because now we were here, and I could barely look at him.
"You shared my bed while planning to die. You let me fall for you—all while knowing you'd leave,” he continued. "I was bound to my secrets. You kept them to use me."
The accusation sliced through me, stealing my breath. "You want to talk about using people? What about Nyvora? What about the marriage that awaits you the moment these Trials end?" My voice threatened to break.
I knew I was being a hypocrite. I had promised him one night where we could forget everyone else.
But that night had embedded itself beneath my skin, rooting deeper with each glimpse of vulnerability I witnessed when he was with his family—the cracks that appeared as he struggled to be what he was raised to be, rather than who he truly was.
"Stop, Thais."
"Even if it's not what you want. It's what you'll do. And I understand that. You’ve been honest about that from day one. But it doesn’t change the fact that this is the reality we find ourselves in.
" I forced myself to meet his gaze. "We both know how this ends. You'll marry her to confirm Davina’s allegiance. And we'll pretend whatever’s left between us is enough until it destroys us both. It’s not sustainable. "
"So, your solution was to die before we could find out?" The words scraped from his throat.
"My solution was revenge. It was always revenge." My voice cracked under the weight of the truth. "You're the one who complicated things."
"Me?" He moved closer. "You walked into my domain, challenged me at every turn, made me feel—" He stopped, jaw clenching.
"Oh, don’t hold back now, Warden." I demanded.
"Everything." The word ripped out of him. "You made me feel everything. Purposefully. I don’t let people in, Thais, you know this. Not like this. Not like you. And then I discover you were always planning to die.”
"Like you weren't? Like this isn't temporary for you too?" My hands pressed against his chest.
"Nothing about you has ever felt temporary to me." His voice dropped to a whisper. "That's the problem."
"Don't." I shook my head. "Don't say things you can't mean."
"Why? Because it's easier if we're both liars?" His hands covered mine. "I resent you. I resent that you made me need you. I resent that you were ready to die without a second thought about what that would do to me. I resent that even now, knowing all of this, I can't make myself stop wanting you."
And there it was.
I’d never felt this peculiar mixture of rage and longing, irritation and desire. Never wanted to simultaneously slap someone and pull them closer. It was maddening. "I hate it. I hate that you have this power over me. I still?—"
"Still what?" he pressed.
"Isn’t it obvious, Xül? I still fucking want you too. Somehow, throughout all of this. "
"I need you to forgive me, Thais." He ran a hand down his face. “Tomorrow is coming whether we like it or not, and I can’t go into it thinking you hate me.”
“I can’t do that right now,” I admitted quietly. “We’ve hurt each other too much at this point.”
“You don’t mean that.” Xül looked as if I’d slapped him. “This—us. We can fix this.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“This divide—its all based around this fucking resistance. The secrets. The lies. The obligations.” He shook his head. “I’ve never chosen myself. But what if I did? What if for once, I did?”
I just stared at him, heart thundering in my chest. He couldn’t mean that.
"Let's get back to the Bone Spire," I said finally, needing to escape this conversation. "I need to?—"
"Run away?" He stepped back, giving me space, but his eyes remained fixed on mine. "By all means, Thais."
The words stung because they were true.