Chapter 22 #3
“I couldn’t stop staring. Your eyes—different colors like my aunt predicted.
And I’d seen you before, when I was freshly turned.
I’d followed the trail of a vampire, and it led me to you, sitting at the edge of a creek with your bare feet in.
You weren’t close enough for me to see your eyes then, but I felt compelled to talk to you.
I’d thought of a thousand different ways I could approach you so that I wouldn’t scare you, but I decided I couldn’t subject someone so beautiful to a monster like me.
Then you threw a stone further than any human could.
” Vander smiled at the memory. “I watched you until the sun crested low. I almost screamed at you to get inside because I knew there was a vampire hunting you and I hadn’t found him yet.
You turned your head my way as if you heard my silent screaming, then you picked up your shoes and ran.
Fast. Faster than a human girl would. I killed the vampire, and I never returned, even though I thought about you often.
Selfishly I hoped that you’d be selected at the next Rite, but you didn’t show that year.
But this year you did. At first, I thought I was imagining you.
But then you stared back, and I knew you were real.
You tested ducai, like I knew you would.
When Beast hurt you in that first fight, it made my blood boil.
When Locke assigned you to me, I was furious.
There is no one with worse luck than me.
My sister was murdered, my first apprentice was killed, and I was a vampire.
You’d be safer with anyone else. I didn’t want you to die because of my failures.
” He dragged in a long breath, eyes glistening.
I was so enraptured with his tale that I could scarcely breathe, let alone think.
His eyes flicked between mine, and he pushed against the point of my blade, still aimed at his chest. “Once Locke made it clear that I had no choice, I made a vow to keep you alive no matter what. Just long enough to get you through training, then I would tell Locke like I had planned to do on the day of The Rite. But you knowing what I am puts you in danger. I should have walked into the sun the day I was bitten. It’s against everything that I am to be alive.
You and I made a pact. Kill all vampires.
I want you to do it. It’s my last command as your trainer. ”
I blinked at him, confused—horrified. I slowly shook my head.
“This is what I’ve been training you to do. This is all that we are.” He gripped the blade and centered the point directly over his heart. “You made a promise to me. Kill all vampires. They will execute you for knowing if you don’t kill me right now. Beast will tell them. It’s over.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. “I can’t, Vander. You can’t ask this of me.”
“I am a vampire!” His voice cut straight to my heart, and I slammed my eyes shut. “I am everything we hate. I won’t let you die for me. It is your duty. Ending my life is the honorable thing to do. I am at peace with it.”
I dropped the sword. It clattered to the ground, and I buried my face in my hands. My body shook with sobs. “I can’t kill you, Vander.” He didn’t want to be a vampire. It was forced on him. But that wasn’t supposed to matter. Assassins didn’t care.
But he was LOA. He still kept to his duty to kill vampires. He was here, not with them.
“This is what assassins do. If Celine or Taewyn were bitten, you’d kill them. You must! There are no weak assassins. You know what I am now.”
I lifted my face. My entire body trembled.
Even knowing what he was, even with it staring me in the face, I couldn’t.
The thought of him dying at my hand or anyone else’s was unbearable.
If he was a ravenous monster slaughtering people I cared for, it would be different.
But this was Vander, noble and caring and just. “I won’t do it. ”
“Why?” he growled.
“I am not like you! I care about you more than I care about LOA. I don’t give a damn about the rules.
” It was irrational, it was wrong, but even knowing what he was, it didn’t change my feelings.
Even if it was a lie and he was a spy for the vampires, which I didn’t feel in my heart, I couldn’t. I would let him walk away.
He went utterly still. “You don’t know what you’re saying. It’s not even about LOA, it’s about your instinct to survive. The person you thought I was doesn’t exist. I am not your ducai trainer. I am your enemy. I am a vampire. Now do what you need to fucking do.”
It wasn’t true. He was not like them. If he was, he would be out killing for blood.
If he was like other vampires, he would have that beautiful woman chained up for her blood.
She willingly poured him a glass from her vein while they chatted happily.
She was clearly able to leave whenever she wanted.
And she was a mage. If she wanted to kill him, she could.
“If you are my enemy, why haven’t you gutted me for my blood? That’s what they do, isn’t it? You said they weren’t like us and yet here you are.” I stepped toward him, and now he was the one to retreat.
“They aren’t like us. The vampires are everything I’ve ever said they are and all that you know they are.”
“But you are different.”
“I am LOA and I will be until my heart stops. But even if it’s against my will, I am the enemy. I still need blood to live and I drink it. I crave it. I crave yours. You should be afraid of me.”
My breaths came faster. “But you haven’t taken my blood. I know you won’t.” He’d had a thousand chances. He could have easily killed me in the woods two years ago when he saw me. He could have done it on any one of our outings and blamed it on another vampire.
His hands were balled at his sides, but his eyes softened. I was winning this argument. “What if one day the monster wins? I fear that every day.”
“It won’t. It’s been over two years, and you haven’t killed anyone for their blood—have you?”
He took a long, slow breath and pressed his lips together.
“You have?” I realized with shame that it still wouldn’t change my mind. Even if Commander Ace came into the library right now and told me to execute him, I wouldn’t.
He ran a hand down his face and groaned. “I have more control now, but in the beginning I needed it. I went to the prisons and killed bad men, Aesira. Men who had done horrible things, but I still killed them for their blood.”
It was something he would do. “So you are the man I thought you were, even as a vampire. You protect the innocent and kill evil. You are still the Vander that I’ve always known.”
“But I’m not. It’s a lie. Don’t you see that?”
Tears welled once again. “Would you kill me if the roles were reversed?”
His jaw muscles feathered and he glanced away.
“Would you?” I demanded. “You said you wouldn’t hesitate if I was bitten.”
He turned back. “I lied.”
“So you wouldn’t.”
“Even if we killed Beast to keep this secret, it’s only a matter of time before someone else finds out, and they will execute me, as they should.
” He peered down at Beast. “It would be wrong to take his life to keep my secret. There is only one reason to end the life of a fellow LOA member and that’s when you become what I am.
I’ve crossed too many lines as it is, I can’t do that.
It would make me no better than the vampires in Nocturnus.
How would I live with myself then? I barely justify my existence now. ”
I felt like I was going insane, but I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone knowing the secret that should repel me. I should be reviled and disgusted that he stood so close to me. My instincts deep down had always told me he was a predator, but I was never afraid of him.
“Would it change your mind if I told you Beast was trying to kill me before I found you? That’s why he’s even here. He followed me. He said his father told him to take care of me for shaming his family name.”
Something shifted in Vander, a darkness, a taste of that monster he feared. His eyes dipped to Beast’s still form. He let out a low growl from deep in his chest. “Yes, that changes things.”