Chapter 4
CELEST
“We’ll be fine, won’t we Gracie?”
“Yes, Gan Gan.” My baby girl is the cutest person on planet Earth. With a little lisp from sucking her thumb, she runs over to me, wrapping her arms around my leg. “Wove you, Mommy.”
Gracie is the best thing that ever happened to me. Being her mom is my single greatest achievement, and yet she came from such a dark point in my life. She’s why I survived and got myself out of a bad situation.
The past four years have been the most difficult of my life. Being a single parent is hard, and I take my hat off to all the amazing single moms and dads who make it look easy. For me, it’s been a struggle. Thankfully, my mom moved to New York a year ago to help with Gracie. They are partners in crime, and I love to see their bond flourish.
My mom and I haven’t always had the easiest relationship, but we love each other, and I know she would walk through fire for Gracie. Life is good right now. I have a job I love, my little family, friends I love, and the club.
Venom saved my life after I had Gracie. Or more specifically, Dalton Callaghan saved me from repeating my mistakes. He gave me a chance when no one else would. Pregnant and alone, I applied for every entry-level job I could find, desperate to make sure Gracie would have a good life.
He gave me a secretarial position at The Callaghan Group in their acquisitions department. I took night classes online and have worked my way up a few rungs on the ladder. My journey to better myself is far from over, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
Being a new mom with no one to share the load was lonely and overwhelming, but when I found friends I trusted to watch Gracie for a few hours one night a week, I found the lifestyle. It gave me somewhere to let it all go and give over control willingly for a few short hours while simultaneously keeping complete control. I trained at a BDSM club across town, which was great at the time, but it wasn’t until I went to Venom that I found my tribe.
The first night was embarrassing when I came face-to-face with the man who hired me—Master Callaghan. I’ve never seen the color drain from someone’s face so fast in all my life. When I explained that I was already part of the lifestyle and had trained before finding Venom, he was cool about it but still reminded me I needed to sign an NDA before I set foot on the premises.
Venom has been my safe haven ever since. Until recently, I kept the fact that I’m a mother a secret. Not because I’m ashamed but because I enjoyed just being me—as much as I can be—for a few hours a week. She has my heart, no question, but it can be tough being everything to everyone all the time.
Last year, I decided to tell my regular Dom that I have a child because I’m ready for a long-term relationship. It took me a long time to trust someone with my heart again, and it seems I still suffer from the ability to pick men who don’t deserve my time. He was a good lay and knew what I liked in the playroom, but he sure as hell wasn’t worthy of my affection. The second I told him about Gracie, he ended our arrangement.
I’ve been floundering ever since. I didn’t think he was ‘the one,’ but I didn’t expect such a negative reaction. The moment Dalton found out he dumped me in front of everyone in the club, he barred the guy from frequenting Venom .
The silver lining after being dumped by that douchebag is that I finally got back in touch with my mom. I needed someone alongside me. I’ve been so afraid to accept help when it comes to my daughter, but I realized I was being selfish. Gracie deserves all the good things in life and someone to rely on other than me.
“You heard her, Celest. She and Gan Gan will be fine. We love you, so go and have some fun.”
“If you need anything, call me. You have Freya’s number if you can’t get a hold of me for some reason. I always have my phone on.”
My mom pulls me into her arms, and, for a moment, I feel the comfort and peace of my early years. “Stop worrying yourself. Everything is fine. Go and meet your friend.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
She squeezes me a little tighter. “I love you, Celest.”
“I love you too.”
Gracie tugs on my leg before putting her hands up. She loves a group hug. I lift her into my arms, and she wraps one arm around my neck and the other around my mom’s, smushing us together. My heart is full, and I feel happy as I leave them to a night of games and toys. Content. For the first time in years.
Our humble house is only four blocks from the subway into Manhattan, and I make it just as the doors are about to close. I told Freya I would meet her at seven, and I hate to be late. I find a seat, pull out a book from my purse, and settle in for the ride. I always have a book handy for my commute. Losing myself in fiction has been an anchor through the storms of life for me.
For a little while, I can step into someone else’s shoes and forget my worries.
I don’t realize the time, so lost in my book that I almost miss my stop. Shoving it in my purse, I step out to the unsavory stench of the underground. I hate being an ant, carried along in the crowd. I’m saving to buy a house in a nicer part of town and eventually get my own car.
Walking at a brisk pace, I navigate the short distance to Venom, my muscles relaxing at the sight of the security guard in the lobby .
“Good evening, Ms. Monroe.”
“Hello, Donovan. How’s the family?”
“Doing well. Have a good night.”
“Thanks.” My heels click against the marble stone as I approach the elevator. I tap out a quick message.
Me: Everything okay? Is Gracie ready for bed?
Mom: We’re watching Cars 2 and snuggling on the couch. Stop worrying!
Me: Kiss her from me. Love you.
I slip my phone into my back pocket as the doors open onto Venom’s lobby. It’s dark, sumptuous, and inviting, ensuring you want to indulge in decadent desire, but I have no plans to participate tonight. I’m just here to have a few drinks with Freya.
I scan the bar, but my best friend has either yet to arrive or she’s been lured into her husband’s playroom. Although, I should get used to saying ‘theirs.’ It’s as much her room as it is his now that they tied the knot.
My heart sinks a little at the thought. Not because I’m not happy for them but because I want what they have. I don’t just want to be every other couple’s plaything forever. We all know it’s fun when you’re in your prime—young, hot, free as a bird, and open to anything. I’ve never been free as a bird. I found the lifestyle just after I had Gracie. She’s my whole world, but my body craved something darker. The club has been a lifeline for me—a release in a controlled setting.
I gave myself to a man once before, and he abused my trust time and time again. But, I wouldn’t have the greatest love of my life if it weren’t for him—Gracie. I can hate her dad all I want, but a small part of my heart will always belong to him because he gave me a reason to breathe in and out.
My daughter gave me the strength to become a better person. Gracie will never know the woman I was before she was born. She will never witness me being a doormat and punching bag for a man .
The club is packed tonight. I didn’t expect it to be so busy on a Wednesday night. I suppose people are kinky all week long. I generally only come on a Friday or Saturday night when my mom can watch Gracie.
This is new for me, but with all the familiar faces I’ve grown accustomed to, Freya is nowhere to be found, so I take a seat at the bar and ask Eli for my usual.
“You’re messing with my head, sweetheart. You are never in here during the week.” Eli has quickly become one of my favorite people. He’s always ready with a warm greeting.
“I know. It’s wigging me out a little. I expected this place to shut down when I’m not here.”
“Oh, they miss you all right. I’ve heard you put on quite the show,” he says with a sly wink. Damn, he’s cute. More than cute. If it weren’t for the fact that he’s not in the lifestyle, I’d climb him like a tree.
God, it’s been too long since I’ve had a Dom who knows what I need.
There’s an uneasiness that settles in my chest. “You must think I’m a slut.” That’s what my ex used to tell me daily, even though it was him who wanted to share me with his friends.
Eli reaches across the bar, resting his hand over mine. “Look at me, Celest.” I force myself to meet his gaze. “I would never think that of you.”
“Really? You’re not in the lifestyle. That’s what most people think. What most guys think.”
“And they’re wrong. I may not be in the lifestyle, but I’m intrigued by the freedom of it all.”
“You are?”
“Yeah. Everyone has been nothing but kind to me since I took over as the bar manager. Do you know what I see when I look around this place?”
“What?”
“People are happy. Content. They don’t hide from who they are and what they want.”
“Sometimes I think it’s the opposite. ”
“How so?” The tight-knit of his brow expresses genuine concern.
“Maybe we are here because we’re not content. Or happy. Maybe we are the ones hiding within these four walls, concealing who we really are.”
“Is everything okay?”
I shirk off my overshare. “I’m good. Just being way too morose tonight. I just need to get laid.” I chuckle, firmly putting my confident facade back in place.
“I could help you with that.” There’s a twinkle in his eye that tells me he knows what he’s doing when it comes to sex, but he’s not my type. He’s not a Dom.
“You definitely couldn’t handle me, Eli.”
“I’d give it a damn good try.” His voice is silky smooth and his smile absolutely panty-melting.
“I’m sure you would. It’s not the orgasm I’d be concerned about. I’ve seen the way you walk.”
He looks puzzled. “What does my walk have to do with anything?”
“You can tell a lot about a man by how he holds himself. You’ve got a confident gait, and your movements are fluid. Speaks to your hips and rhythm.”
“So that means I’m good in bed?”
“That, together with your hands and arms, gives a good indication. You’re muscular, so you wouldn’t have trouble picking up a woman and fucking her against a wall.”
“Are you trying to get me hard? Because it’s working.”
“Maybe,” I say with a wicked grin. “You have nice hands, so I reckon you know exactly how to hit the G-spot.”
“Seriously, you need to stop before I take you back to my place after closing and do everything you think I’m capable of and more.”
“Unfortunately, you won’t want to punish me when I’m a bad girl.”
“What kind of punishment?”
“Have you ever looked in one of the private rooms?”
“No. Not my place to intrude. ”
“You’re too cute. Well, if you were to walk into one, you’d find all kinds of stuff. One wall would have a St. Andrew’s Cross—an X with hand and foot restraints. It’s my personal favorite. You are completely at your Dom’s mercy—naked, vulnerable, and desperate for the sensation that will straddle the thin line between pleasure and pain.”
I watch the rapid rise and fall of his chest.
“A Dom might spank my pussy or drop to his knees and fuck me with his tongue until I’m on the edge of release. But he’d pull back, knowing that it will become an ache I crave. He’ll do it over and over again, making me beg for more. He might use a leather flogger to caress and slap my breasts, and only when he slips his hand between my legs will he know I’m wet and ready for his cock. And if I’m a good girl, I’ll be rewarded with mind-blowing sex.”
He swallows hard as I rake the length of him with my eyes. He’s so hard right now that I can tell he’ll be in pain. “Why do you want to be restrained?”
“I can’t speak to what guys would feel like shackled to the cross, but for a woman… when you have no way to close your legs and control the pleasure, it’s fucking addictive. It’s a whole different kind of orgasm.”
“ Wow. ” He doesn’t know how to react, and it’s quite endearing. Genevieve would devour him whole given the chance.
“I realized a long time ago that you should try everything once. If you don’t like it, move on. If you do, then go with what makes you happy, and I’m not just talking about sex or kink. Life in general. You get one shot at life.”
“Color me intrigued, Celest. You’re an enigma. Wise but unsure of yourself. Confident to put on a show for patrons, but there’s a shyness to you. A ballbuster but gentle.”
“I don’t know about being an enigma. It feels more like I have no freaking idea what I’m doing most of the time.”
“Well, I’m always here as a friend if you want to talk.” His smile is so genuine and infectious. I find myself smiling back.
“So, you went from wanting to get into my black lace panties to friend-zoning me?” I jest .
“I’ll gladly cheer you up with my cock if that’s what you want.”
We both start laughing as he pours me another drink. “Thanks, Eli.”
“I haven’t done anything yet.”
“For listening and making me smile.”
“Thanks for turning me on and then dashing my hopes of rocking your world.” He can’t even say it with a straight face.
“Who’s rocking whose world?” Freya appears at my side, looking somewhat disheveled. I spy Pierce as he joins some of the other Doms who are chatting and laughing on the other side of the bar.
“Looks like it’s you. You might want to run a brush through your sex hair. And you’re wearing your T-shirt inside out.”
Eli tries to stifle a chuckle, but the second he looks in my direction, he loses it. “The usual, Freya?”
“Yes, please. I’ll be back in a minute.” She scurries down the private hallway and reappears with her hair tied back and her top fixed.
“I can’t believe you kept me waiting while you were getting down and dirty. Do that on your own time, bestie.”
She gently shoves my shoulder as she takes a seat beside me. “I lost track of time.”
“I bet you did. And I didn’t even get an invite.” Her cheeks flush at my words, and it astounds me that she enjoys the voyeur level so much but is almost bashful at the mention.
“Sorry. Maybe at the weekend.”
“I’m already booked this weekend. Genevieve has asked me to do what I do while she plays out a scene with her current sub.”
It’s cute to see my best friend with a pout that I’d call jealousy.
“Don’t worry, Freya, you’re still my favorite.”
Eli sets down our drinks, his gaze flitting between us. “Does it ever get weird when you do that stuff?”
“Freya here totally ghosted me after the first time we played .”
“I want to be professional right now, but thinking about you two getting naked together is more than any normal man can handle.”
“You wouldn’t want to fuck us both?” I tease. It’s fun watching him squirm—literally and figuratively .
“Jesus, you’re killing me here, Celest.”
“What have you been doing to poor Eli?” Freya chimes in.
“We were discussing kink. I was just explaining the benefits of a St. Andrew’s Cross.”
She moans in reply, and it’s sexy as hell. “Mm… it’s transcendent.”
“I need to tap out, ladies. You are officially way more than I could handle. I admit defeat.” He retreats to the far end of the bar and busies himself, serving other patrons, leaving Freya and me to catch up.
“Have you done a scene with Genevieve before?” Freya is so cute.
“You were my first couple play in the voyeur setting. But, I’ve been asked to participate in the same way with a few different couples now.”
“That’s what you want? What about finding a new Dom?”
“I’m happy with the way things are right now. Work is busy, and I don’t want to start learning the dynamic with a new Dom.”
“Say it like you mean it, Cel.”
“My life just isn’t conducive to finding a Dom right now. And we know how quickly my last Dom ditched me when I told him I had a kid.”
“He was an asshole. Gracie is amazing, and so are you. If Dalton hadn’t already turfed him out of this place, I would.”
“Yeah, my boss is a pretty cool guy.”
“I always forget that you work at The Callaghan Group.”
“Thankfully, he doesn’t enjoy the voyeur floor, so I don’t have to deal with him seeing me naked and pleasuring myself. That could be a little awkward in the conference room.”
“My boss has seen me naked plenty of times.”
“Yeah, because you married him.” I giggle.
“Valid point.”
“How’s Gracie doing?”
“She’s good. Hanging with my mom tonight so I could come here and wait for you to stop banging your hot Dom long enough to have a drink with me. ”
She raises her glass, and I follow suit. “To orgasms, punishments, pleasure, and getting naked with your bestie.”
I throw my head back and laugh so loud the table of Doms across the room look up to see what’s going on, Pierce included. The way he looks at her with raw, animalistic desire makes me ache for companionship. Getting off is amazing, and punishment is a must for me. But to find a man who looks at me with such adoration while his eyes darken with the need to claim me as his—that’s what I want.
Maybe that will never be me. Freya isn’t a parent yet. Neither is Naddie. They are free to explore the dynamics of a twenty-four-seven Dom/sub relationship. I can’t.
Freya clinks her glass to mine, bringing me back to the moment. “Cheers to us.”
“Yep.” I take a small sip of my drink.
“Are you okay, Cel? You seem… off.”
“Just got a lot on my mind. I’m fine, really.”
“If you’re sure…”
“Yeah. Are you going to come up and watch the scene with Genevieve on Saturday night? She is training a new sub, and he is mouthwateringly handsome.”
“Like I would be looking at him,” she says with a shy smile.
“Oh really? Do you like seeing me naked, writhing against my hand until I climax?”
She casts her gaze down as she answers. “You’re beautiful when you come.”
I hate that she obviously still feels weird about it. Setting my drink down, I coax her chin up, entreating her to look at me. “So are you, Freya. When are you going to get past it? You seem embarrassed.”
“It’s just… I’m still wrapping my head around everything.”
“We don’t need to do it again if you don’t want. I won’t be offended, and we’ll still be best friends.”
“I want to, but I feel like I’m being selfish.”
“Why? ”
“Because you are giving me pleasure, but I also get Pierce. I know it’s wrong to ask that of you when I can’t share him with you.”
“I’ve never asked you to. I don’t do it for him. I do it for you.”
“But I’m a hypocrite.”
“Does Pierce think that way?”
“Does Pierce think what?” He appears behind Freya, running his hands down her arms before pressing his lips to the top of her head.
“Tell your wife that it’s okay for her to want me in your scene.”
“Of course. It wouldn’t happen if I weren’t okay with it. You know that, little one.”
She leans into his touch, her shoulders dropping as he soothes her. “But I don’t share you.”
He looks at me, and I give him an almost imperceptible nod. “Celest and I have no desire to be with each other that way. And don’t think I would allow you to be ‘shared’ with anyone. Getting off at the sight of each other and letting her caress your breasts is not the same thing as allowing her to fuck you, little one. That will never happen. You’re mine .”
“Yes, Daddy. But…”
He slides his hand up her shoulder, continuing up to cup her face, forcing her to look at him. “You will never have to share me, little one. You’re not selfish. I’m yours and no one else’s. Nothing and no one will ever change that. The decision is not yours to make. I don’t permit it. End of discussion.”
“Cheers to that,” I say, lifting my glass to my lips. “Sorry to tell you, bestie, but married guys aren’t my jam. It’s one of my only hard limits.”
“So, you don’t feel left out?” Her voice is barely more than a whisper.
“No! Girl, when have I ever held my tongue about anything?”
“Never.”
“Then, believe me. If I felt slighted or didn’t enjoy what we do, you’d already know.”
“Why are you worrying, little one?” Pierce interjects, his concern for my best friend heartwarming to see .
“Am I selfish?”
“Yes, little one.” Freya’s face drops. “And you need to realize that pleasure is selfish at times for all of us. I am selfish for not letting anyone else experience the ecstasy that your body yields to me.” He’s right.
“And I’m selfish for wanting to watch you come,” I tell her what she needs to hear. It does nobody any good to admit I want more. Not with her—I love how Freya and Pierce love and respect each other. They are soulmates. I want that in my life.
I laugh to myself, embarrassed that I still believe in fairy tales. A knight in shining armor isn’t going to come riding into my life and fix what has been broken for far too long.