Chapter 25
CELEST
“Don’t do this to me, Flex.” I keep my hands against his gunshot wound, trying to stem the flow of blood, but he’s not responding. “Please, don’t leave me. I need you.”
Where the hell is the ambulance? This can’t be happening. It was supposed to be me. Flex can’t die because of me. I should have told him everything sooner. He was putting his neck on the line when he asked Gracie and me to move in. Maybe if we hadn’t, he wouldn’t be…
“Please, please, please, stay with me, Master. I need you, Flex. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” It all seems ridiculous now. I was afraid to lose him by letting him in. Allowing him to love Gracie and me.
He stops moving, and the rise and fall of his chest comes to a halt. My world crumbles around me.
“Please! Help me!” I scream for anyone to appear and save his life. If I stop pressing the wound, he’ll bleed out, but none of that will matter if he’s not breathing. If his heart doesn’t beat. “Please, don’t take him from me. I haven’t had a chance to love him the way he deserves.” I don’t recognize my own voice. Strangled. Desperate. Devastated. Hysterical .
I hear sirens and beg Flex to stay with me. I’ve always known fear—Michael made sure of it—but as I sit beside Flex’s lifeless body, all the pain he inflicted on me for years feels like nothing compared to the agony and terror of Flex straddling this life and whatever comes next.
Paramedics rush to where I sit with the love of my life, trying to keep pressure on his wounds. Their eyes stray to where Michael lies dead, his face unrecognizable.
“Ma’am…” one says in a low, measured voice, “… can you let me assess him?”
Blood oozes between my fingers. “He just stopped breathing. I didn’t know whether to do CPR or keep my hands on the wound.” My voice is a strangled plea for a miracle.
One of the paramedics lays his hands over mine with caution. “You can take your hands off. I’ve got him. My partner is going to check for a pulse.”
“I…” I rack my brain for anything I can say to help. “I heard your sirens. He was still breathing when I heard you coming.”
“Great. You did well…”
“Helena. My name is Helena. His name is Flex. He’s my boyfriend.” It sounds so stupid. He is so much more to me.
“Okay. Let me and my partner help Flex.” He replaces my hands with his as I slump back onto my haunches and burst into tears. Dropping my head in my hands, the wet warmth of Flex’s blood smears on my face. I’m going to lose him.
The other paramedic checks for a pulse. “No pulse. Starting compressions.”
“Helena, we need to get you checked out.” I don’t answer. I don’t even register. I haven’t been called by my real name in four years. “Helena…”
“I’m fine. He saved me.”
“Okay. You have multiple injuries. I’m going to have another ambulance come and take you to the hospital.”
“Just save him. I don’t care about me.”
He looks to his partner. “Anything?”
“Still no pulse. ”
“No… don’t you do this to me, Flex Navarro. You made me love you, goddammit!”
They work together, trying to give him a fighting chance.
“Helena, we need to move him. I have to get the gurney. Can you apply pressure again? Just the way you were.”
“Why isn’t he breathing?” I feel physically sick. This can’t be happening. We just found each other. We were supposed to grow old together.
“Helena, look at me.” I can’t tear my eyes away from Flex’s chest and the distinct lack of movement. “Look at me. We’re going to do everything we can to save your boyfriend.”
Pulling myself together, I get up onto my knees—a position I gladly take for my Master, never thinking for one second that it would come to this—and put all of my weight onto my hands, hoping like hell that I can stop the inevitable.
“Good. I’ll be right back.”
It feels like an eternity as I watch the other paramedic administer compressions, fighting like hell to get his heart to beat. The warmth of his blood on my hands is a stark juxtaposition to the cold dread coursing through my veins.
Please, don’t leave me.
Us.
Our daughter.
We need you.
There’s a loud noise ricocheting off the walls of my meager home. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s ear-piercing.
“You can let go now.” A hand rests on my shoulder. The noise stops. and I realize it was coming from me.
“I can’t. The bleeding won’t stop.”
“We’re going to do our absolute best for him. Every second counts, and we need to get him in the ambulance immediately.” He moves his hand over mine. “I’ve got him, Helena. Let me help him.”
“Oh God.” I collapse at Flex’s side.
The paramedics quickly load him onto a gurney and into the ambulance. One of them is straddling Flex, resuming compressions as his partner closes the doors before jumping in the driver’s seat, sirens blaring.
It’s been too long.
He’s gone.
I drop to my knees in the street outside my old house. It’s a crime scene, not a home. Flex’s apartment is our home.
I’m covered in blood. Some is mine from the beating I took prior to Flex’s arrival, some is Michael’s brain matter, but the rest is my Master’s.
It’s too much blood. No one can survive losing that much.
Cries overtake my body as I hold my head in my hands.
It takes me a moment to register the person who grabs hold of me. “Are you okay? Let me look at you.” It’s my mom.
“He’s dead.” I weep with a strangled sob.
“Who? Michael…” she hesitates, “… or Felix?”
My hands slip down, slick with blood. “Both.”
Her gasp just confirms the horror of this moment.
“ You’re injured, Celest. You’re covered in blood.”
“It’s his. Flex’s.” Celest died with him. He gave me back my name and paid for it with his life.
“Oh God.” I can’t even look at her because I cannot bear to see the understanding in her eyes.
“Flex is dead.”
The second the words leave my lips, I turn away from my mom and throw up, spasms racking my body until I’m nothing more than an empty shell.
When I’ve got nothing left, she wraps her arms around me, holding whatever is left of me as realization takes hold.
How will I ever tell Gracie that I’m the reason she lost two fathers? She won’t even remember this when she’s older. Thankfully, she won’t know how abusive her biological father was. But she’ll never understand that Flex died to protect us. That he loved her as if she were his own.
“It’s going to be okay, darling.” There’s no conviction in her voice. “I don’t know how, but we’ll get through it together.”
“Momma… I can’t. ”
“You have to. For Gracie. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”
The sounds of sirens break through the eerie silence of devastation. Multiple police cars and an ambulance pull up outside my house. The neighbors have started to congregate to see the spectacle but are quickly ushered back by police officers who set up a perimeter of caution tape.
“Where’s Gracie? I don’t want her to see this.”
“She’s with Luther. Felix told me to call him as soon as he got Gracie out of there. I called your friend, Freya. He’s on his way to her house so I can go to the hospital with you.”
“Her husband is a doctor.” My voice is devoid of life. “He’s one of Flex’s best friends. I should call and let him know. I’m the reason he’s dead.”
“No, you hear me. Michael is the reason for all of this. You did nothing wrong.”
“I loved him. I… let him love me. I put him in danger.”
A paramedic appears at my side, “Hello, miss. I need to assess your injuries. My colleagues are on the way to the hospital with your friend.”
“Is he… did they…”
“I’m not sure, but I will find out for you when I know you’re okay.”
My body is bone-weary. Exhausted. Broken in a way so vast that no physical injury could ever come close. “I…” I start to panic, my body vibrating. “I can’t… breathe.” I sob.
Another paramedic comes to me with one of those weird foil blankets. “She’s going into shock.”
“Will you let us take you in the ambulance? What’s your name? Can you tell me that? Focus on the sound of my voice and try to take a deep breath.” He rests his fingers over my wrist. “Your pulse is too fast…”
“Her name is… Helena,” my mom chimes in. “Please, help her.”
“Can you stand?” His voice is commanding. It’s reminiscent of Flex when he’s taking charge of any situation, and it only makes me cry harder .
I attempt to stand up, but the burden of Flex’s death is too much for me to bear. The paramedic is quick to catch me and lifts me into his arms.
He sets me on the gurney and starts taking my vitals. There’s no cure for this. I hear my mom’s voice, and it’s all I can muster to tell her what I need. “Go be with Gracie.”
“I’m coming with you. Gracie is safe.”
“It’s not a request. She needs you more than I do. She’s scared, and she doesn’t have me or Flex to comfort her. It has to be you.”
“I don’t like this.”
“I need to know she’s with you. Please.”
“Okay, then I’m going to have Freya meet you at the hospital. I don’t want you to be alone.” Her words shake me to my core. I’m alone . I’ll never be able to crawl into Flex’s lap again and feel like everything will be all right.
I close my eyes as the paramedic gives my mom details of where they’re taking me.
“The police will want to come and interview her as soon as possible,” he tells her.
“Call Naddie,” I mumble.
“What, darling?” my mom says with such compassion it hurts.
“My phone. Call Naddie Callaghan. She’s a lawyer. Her husband is…” I choke past the lump in my throat, “Flex’s best friend.”
“Okay. I’ll call her now. I love you, darling.”
I don’t respond. I can’t. It hurts too much.
As the doors close and the ambulance pulls away from my house, I want to claw off my skin—the evidence of Flex’s sacrifice is coating my face and hands. And yet, I find myself unable to move. I shut down because it’s the only way my heart will continue to beat.
The sights and sounds around me cease to mean anything. I’m unable to process, or more appropriately, I don’t want to. I finally thought I had found my happily ever after, and to have Michael strip it away from me is the cruelest twist of fate.
The only thing keeping me going right now is my baby girl. Sweet Gracie. She needs me now more than ever. I will breathe in and out for her, but it’s the most I can do right now.
“She’s been catatonic for days. There must be something you can do for her.” I recognize my mom’s voice, but I can’t summon the strength to open my mouth and speak. I feel nothing . I don’t want to. I can’t.
“Physically, your daughter’s wounds are beginning to heal. Her orbital bone was broken in the attack. She has three cracked ribs and multiple contusions on her extremities, but more than anything, she witnessed something immensely traumatic. This is her brain’s way of protecting herself.”
“So, I just have to sit and hope she comes back to me? She has a daughter.”
Gracie.
“I’m aware. Unfortunately, you can’t rush it. This has to be on her terms. Until then, we are monitoring her closely.”
“Can she even hear me?”
“Yes. There’s no evidence that someone in a catatonic state cannot hear their loved ones. In fact, it’s the opposite. Keep talking to her.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
I want to soothe my mom—to tell her I’m still in here—but I can’t. My body doesn’t respond to my thoughts. I need to get back for Gracie’s sake, but I don’t know how. The image of her sperm donor, bastard father, dead on the floor with what’s left of his face, is burned into my memory. Will she hate me when she’s older and may want to know where she came from?
I never wanted her to come face-to-face with the man whose eyes she shares, but it’s always been in the back of my mind. The choice she was supposed to have isn’t a possibility anymore. The only thing worse than fearing Gracie will hate me one day for the father she never knew is the knowledge that I’m the reason she won’t have the daddy she chose .
The police have been showing up periodically, wanting answers about what happened that night. I’m not even sure how long ago it was. I fall in and out of sleep, replaying my living nightmare over and over again.
When the doctor leaves, my mom takes my hand, entreating me to come back to her—to both of them.
“I know you’re in there, darling. You’ve been through more than anyone should ever have to deal with, but Gracie needs you. Please, fight to come back to us.”
I want to tell her I’m doing my best or I can’t go on knowing I’m the reason Flex is dead. But I can’t. I’m numb. I have to be.
“Freya is going to come up today. She’s been looking after Gracie while I’ve been here with you. I haven’t brought her in because I didn’t think you would want her to see you this way.”
Her voice becomes nothing more than a soft plea. A whisper. Or maybe a prayer.
“I don’t know what to do, darling. What’s for the best? Would hearing her voice bring you back to us?”
I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to be like this. The words are right there—my plea to keep my baby girl from seeing her broken momma. I drift in and out of sleep, tuning everything out.
The only thought in my mind is Flex. The moments we’ll never have together. The brothers and sisters we would have given Gracie. The life we wanted to build. I finally found someone who loved me, even in his final moments when he knew my past was the reason he’d lose his future.
“Has she spoken at all?” Freya’s voice cuts through the chaos of my mind.
“Not yet.” Naddie is here with me too.
“Nora was asking me if she should bring Gracie up here, but I don’t know what to tell her. I think it would be good for Celest…” My best friend stutters, crushed by my betrayal like everyone else. “He lena. I need to get used to using her real name. I’m not sure it would be good for Gracie to see her mom with so many cuts and bruises, unable to talk.”
“It’s a lot for a three-year-old.” Naddie’s voice dips in and out, but I struggle to track the conversation. “Did you know she had a child?”
“Yes, but she wanted to keep her life outside the club separate. I always thought it was a little odd, but now it makes sense. She was running from an abusive relationship.”
“I can’t imagine how much she’s been through, and she’s still such a sweet, kindhearted person. She didn’t let it harden her.”
Their voices become distant as I let the darkness swallow me. It’s too painful to do anything else, except sleep doesn’t provide any peace. I relive Flex’s final moments every time.
“Make sure Gracie knows I wanted to stay. I wanted to be her daddy.”
“I asked Pierce to pull some strings. I don’t know if it will help, but it’s worth a try.” Freya is such a good friend. I lied to her for years, and she’s still here by my side, trying to help me.
“At this point, we’ve got nothing to lose. Dalton is beside himself. This is all taking such a toll on him. I’m really worried.” My actions have changed Dalton and Naddie’s lives in ways I can never fix. The guilt drags me under once more.
“I’m going to tell you this once, and I’m going to be pretty fucking clear about it. She’s mine. So, if you don’t put the gun down, I’m going to do whatever is necessary to ensure her safety and our daughter’s.”
“Gracie is struggling without you, darling. Come back to us.” My mom’s voice is strained. I want to make it better for her. I miss my daughter, but the thought of looking her in the eye and telling her Flex is gone is more than I can bear.
“We need you. Me. Gracie. Your friends. Flex.”
What?
I fight against my thoughts, sure I must have misheard her, but I can’t form the words.
“I miss her laugh.” If Freya is here with my mom, who has Gracie? Where’s my daughter?
“None of your fucking business. You will have to pry my woman and my daughter out of my cold, dead hands, you sorry sack of shit.”
“If you insist.”
“Any change?” I don’t know how much time has passed since Flex left this world. Freya sounds exhausted.
“No.” Pierce is here. He works here, I think. Maybe we’re in a different hospital. I don’t know.
“He’s still in a coma.”
He? Who?
The darkness takes me against my will.
“Still no pulse.”
“We finally got control of the infection in his thigh. It was touch and go. Another day and we were looking at amputation.” Pierce.
Thigh ?
Flex.
“There’s brain activity, but I’m concerned that he’s not waking up. He needs Celest… Helena… to wake up. Flex needs to hear her and know she’s okay. He needs both of them. Her and Gracie.”
He’s alive!
“Where is he?” I don’t recognize the croaking voice that whispers in my ear.
“Celest.” My eyes snap to where Freya sits at my side. “Did you just talk?”
Did I? I open my mouth, but my throat is so dry. “Flex is alive?”
“Oh my God. Call her mom now. Call for the nurse.” There’s so much hope in my best friend’s tone. Something I haven’t heard since I got here.
“Celest, look at me,” Pierce commands me, knowing the submissive in me will respond. “Can you see me? Any blurriness?”
“He’s alive. Flex is alive?”
“Yes, but he has yet to regain consciousness. He lost almost his entire blood volume. It doesn’t look good right now.”
“Where is he?” My body screams to life as I attempt to move for the first time in who knows how many days. Every muscle aches, but I don’t care. Flex is in this hospital with a heartbeat.
“We need to look you over before you go anywhere.”
I force myself out of bed and out of this room. With no idea what direction I need to go, I turn to see Freya is close behind me, shouting for me to slow down.
“Celest… Helena… wait!”
I can’t stop. If I do, I won’t be able to get back up. For days, I’ve been reliving the moment his heart stopped.
“Where is he?”
“Tenth floor ICU.”
“What direction?”
“Wait. I’ll take you there myself. Please, you’re in no fit state to be running or even walking.”
“Then you better start running too.”
My legs burn as I fight them every step of the way to Flex’s hospital room. I stumble over my own feet, but I get up and keep moving. I need to see him with my own eyes.
“Room number.”
“1003.” I frantically scan the hallway, desperate to close the distance between us. I’m terrified that I’m going to wake up any second, and I’ll be back in that room, in the bed, my mind torturing me with what-ifs.
I see his room number, but I’m not prepared when I turn the door handle and walk in.
I drop to my knees, my hand covering my mouth to hold in the scream that’s rising in my throat. Flex is alive. He doesn’t look like himself hooked up to machines, the sterile room filled with ominous beeps and whirs.
“Master.”