Chapter 15
The rest of the world ceased to exist once they were in Luca’s hotel room. Her bodyguard stayed well out of their way, giving them plenty of privacy to explore the meaning of a world without traumatic chaos.
Sarah almost detested how safe she felt in Luca’s arms. Whether her cheek was pressed against Luca’s naked skin or her hands splayed across that sanctuary of a stomach, ah…
Sarah definitely hated how foreign a feeling this was.
She had felt plenty comfortable with other lovers before.
Many wonderful one-night stands had made sure her safety and consent were top priority, but this?
This was a different kind of safety. This was the assurance that the evils of the world could not touch her as long as they were together.
If Luca’s sweat touched Sarah’s tongue while fingers touched her inner walls, not a damn thing could touch them.
That was the law. The rule. The promise made between them and the universe.
Sarah didn’t want to let go.
They made love. Genuine, passionate love unlike Sarah had allowed herself to experience before.
She had slow and sensual sex before. But this was her first time embracing the emotional side of sex and how it could bring two people together.
Of course, she denied it at first. When something as strange as that attempts to take hold of a woman, she’s inclined to dismiss it.
Where was it the first hundred times she had sex?
Where was it when she was pregnant? Where was it when she grieved?
Became a woman? Lost the innocence she never knew she had?
This was the kind of thing that only existed in fiction.
Those fantastical romance novels that Sarah never gave the time of day because they weren’t realistic enough.
How could that be possible? Sex was sex.
Sometimes, you find someone good enough at sex to fall in love with them.
Or, at least, what someone thought was love.
The way Luca caressed her, kissed her, brought parts of her to life she never knew were dormant…
that was the practice of a skilled lover, right?
It didn’t say anything about the feeling enveloping Sarah every time Luca purred against her warm skin or tenderly made love to her.
And she definitely didn’t feel anything when they rolled over and she straddled Luca for the next five minutes, hands bracing against the breadth of Luca’s chest, and that energy allowing Sarah to escape the whole damn planet and go wherever the hell it wanted.
Luca’s grip on Sarah’s hips and ass kept her steady as she threw her head back and pretended this was how it had always been.
That she had only known the loving touch of a fellow human, instead of whatever emotionless hole she usually found herself in.
Did she come? Was climax a simple trick of the mind, anyway? If she climaxed during regular sex, was it the same as having an orgasm with someone who made her feel safe to express this side of herself? Even if she was barely a known entity in her life?
Before, she had hunted for sex with whatever half-decent creature would have her in a bid to reclaim her control, to claim in the first place that she was empowered.
But it wasn’t until that night, when she rode Luca Blackbourne like a woman taming her first stallion, that she understood what she meant by searching for empowerment.
She didn’t care that Luca toppled her over when her orgasm abated. Sarah was happy to have her on top again, nuzzling the crook of her neck and leaving lingering kisses on her lips.
“Has it ever felt like this for you before?”
Sarah opened her eyes. The room was dark, save for the city lights glowing outside the uncovered windows. Even so, she had a clear view of Luca’s face, neck, and torso as all three hovered over her.
“Felt like what?”
“Like this.”
She closed her eyes again, head sinking deeply into the hotel pillow. “No. Never.”
“Is that good? I mean, is it good that it feels like this finally?”
“Shut up. Take me.”
Luca kissed her so hard that Sarah lost the ability to breathe.
“What do you want, Angel?”
She said the first thing to pop into her addled mind. “Say my real name.”
“Sarah.”
Luca pinned Sarah’s hands above her head and lost herself after that.
Sarah anticipated Luca’s climax to the point that she almost begged her to finally give her what she wanted.
What was left between them? While she understood her apprehensions now – she had gotten involved with a woman who could not handle the realities of a solid, monogamous relationship – there was no reason for them with her.
For the first time in over a year, Sarah was at peace with having sex for the sake of it, not as a thrill, and certainly not as a way to play God with her life.
And for the first time, she was not annoyed when Luca pulled away the moment she came to her senses. Sarah merely kissed her cheek as they lay side by side, giving each other whatever space they needed after so much intimacy.
Later, when she decided to spend the night and travel back home with Luca in the morning, Sarah curled up next to her and promptly forgot that the rest of the world existed.
“I like you,” Luca said, hand entwined with Sarah’s beneath the covers.
Sarah lightly played with the way Luca’s breasts hung on her chest when lying down and considered stroking her mound.
Anything to keep her from talking during a nice moment like this.
“I mean it. Maybe the best thing that could have happened to me in this country was you waltzing up to me in that ridiculous wig in a sex club.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“What do you think I’m saying?”
She sighed against Luca’s chest. “I’d rather you come out and say it.”
Luca unhooked her hand from Sarah’s and wrapped an arm around her clingy body. “Maybe there’s something here?”
“Just ask me to be your girlfriend.”
Luca squeezed her until Sarah whimpered. “It’s not that simple, is it?”
“No. Because you’re going through shit, and so am I.” Sarah repositioned herself until her head rested on Luca’s shoulder, and they both stared up at the ceiling. “Plus, I’m not keen on my boss knowing. She might throw a fit behind the scenes.”
“At me, you mean.”
“She’s afraid to say anything to me. Whether because she pities me or because her wife has already chewed her out regarding me… don’t really care. It’s kinda funny.”
“Point taken. I wouldn’t want to make work any more uncomfortable for you.”
“Says the woman who kept sending me flowers and flirting with me on my phone.”
“I can dial it back if you like.”
“What’s the fun in that?”
“Sending flowers is a bit suspicious.”
“Now you’re making me think this is a clandestine affair.”
“I’ll have to tell someone. It’ll be hard enough as it is, not telling Danica until I have a better idea of where we’re going.”
Sarah blew out a large breath. “I have to tell my brother.”
“Maybe I should officially meet him. Outside of awkward café run-ins, that is.”
“You could. He might be at our apartment tomorrow when you drop me off.”
“Drop you off? What makes you think I’m not taking you out and spoiling you all day?”
“You’ve already mentioned twice that you’re spending the day with your son.”
“Not the evening. I have to take him back to his mother’s by dinner.”
“And then?”
Luca smothered her again, this time eliciting a giggle out of Sarah. “Then I’m doing all of this with you. Again. My job isn’t done until you’re walking bowlegged into the office.”
“You’d love to be responsible for that, I’m sure.”
“I’d take great pride in it. Might even send you a bouquet to make sure you know I feel bad about it.”
“Make it yellow roses. Red is too obvious.”
“Yellow would mean that I’m sorry.” Luca blew against her ear. “I’m not sorry about anything I do to you in bed.”
They tousled beneath the covers until Sarah ran out of laughter, and Luca had her fill of touching her in places she had already been only minutes before. When they finally settled again, Luca spooning the one she had asked to be her girlfriend, the mood took yet another turn.
“Can I ask you something? I’d understand if you didn’t want to answer.”
Sarah tensed in that otherwise comforting hold.
“When you were talking about the child you lost, you kept calling it a he. How did you know, if you weren’t that far enough along when…”
“I just knew.” Sarah wiggled until she finally relented on how tightly Luca kept her close.
“The moment they told me I was pregnant, I knew it was a boy. I never considered anything else. When I found out he was gone, that I had lost him, well… I hadn’t picked out a name for him yet, but I still felt like I needed to do something. ”
“So what did you do?”
“What would you do if you lost your son?”
Luca grimaced. Yeah, doesn’t feel good, does it? “I’d kill the bastard who caused it.”
“Yeah, that’s basically what I did.” She wouldn’t say how, but in those intense, dark days of her grief, Sarah had envisioned a million ways to kill Russell Moreau.
This was before she knew without a doubt that he was the reason their son was gone from the universe.
At least I would never be tacky enough to name my boy after him.
Sarah had nothing to bury. But she and Nigel cobbled some spare change to purchase a small memorial at the local cemetery.
They had a monument to children lost before birth, and although they offered to add her son’s name, Sarah declined.
She never wanted to name him. Maybe if he never had a name, he’d be free to go to some other mother who needed him.
“That fucker hasn’t suffered enough, but he has suffered. ”
“He’s hurt a lot of people.”
“But has he hurt you?”
“No. I’ve been hurt by others, instead. We all have those bastards in our lives.”
Sarah turned over and plastered her face against Luca’s chest. It was the only way to hide the tears burning behind her eyes.