Chapter 17 #5
As Marcus returned to the box, her words continued to occupy his thoughts.
Eleanor had shared nearly twenty years of her life with Daniel Campbell.
He had given her everything she now possessed.
How could Marcus ever hope to equal such a man?
For the first time in many years, doubt found its way into his heart.
To Eleanor, Mary, and Kitty, however, the evening passed most delightfully. Lord Rockwell and Claire were attentive to their every comfort, while Marcus and Lord Blackwood saw that they wanted for nothing.
◆◆◆
The day after their evening at the theatre, Marcus resolved, after much reflection, to speak plainly to Eleanor.
Lady Campbell was greatly surprised to learn that Marcus had called so early. Indeed, Mary and Kitty had not yet risen after retiring so late the previous evening.
The moment Eleanor entered the drawing room, Marcus stepped towards her and attempted to embrace her, but she gently prevented him. He was visibly agitated and looked as though he had not slept all night.
"My love, I have come to beg you to consent to be my wife."
"I am sorry, General. I cannot, and I do not wish to marry again."
Eleanor could say no more. Her heart was breaking.
"Do you still love him? No... pray, do not answer. I would rather not know.
“Actually, Daniel has nothing to do with it. My marriage to him was one of friendship and of convenience, but that is another story. Marcus, it is the inevitable pain that comes from love that I seek to avoid. It took me over a decade to get over you, over what I thought was your abandonment of me! It was ten years of torment.”
“But you know that was your father and your brother’s doing! I was blameless!” Marcus protested.
“Of course, I know that, Marcus. But do you not see? I have spent the last twenty years of my life trying to forget you. I finally managed. And then here, magically, you are back from the dead. I am so happy that you are alive, but it terrifies me, Marcus. If I allow myself to fall in love with you again… and then what if something else happens? If you reject me, or run off, or die. I simply cannot endure getting over you a second time!” she cried, tears now spilling from her eyes.
I cannot spend another decade in pain over you.
No. It is much safer to just… be friends. ”
Do you think you could ever give me a chance? Ella, sometimes in life, to get the things that truly matter, we have to be just a little bit brave.”
"I wish I had your strength and fortitude. I have many qualities but, unlike you, my dear brave General Marcus, I am no hero. So, as I have already told you, I do not wish to marry again. We can only be friends. Can you not please just respect that? Is it not enough that we are together as friends?”
"When I believed that you and our little angel had died, my life came to an end, and my heart was filled with guilt and resentment. Knowing that you are alive and that you have found happiness has brought me a measure of peace. But, Ella, my dearest Eleanor, my only true love, I don’t think that I can live with you in my life relegated to the status of a mere acquaintance, even a close one.
I will always hunger for your touch. I will always long to be close to you.
I will always want to gaze into your eyes, whisper my love for you, and have you only to myself.
It is selfish, I know. But that is the thing I have been longing for these past twenty years.
For you, knowing that you might lose me again is your greatest fear.
For me, knowing that I will never own your heart and be yours is my greatest fear.
Alas, it is a fear that has… already come true,” he said, his voice choking ever so slightly.
Eleanor could see that he was doing his best to control his emotions, to be the stoic general, and it was costing him his every last bit of self-control to keep himself from bursting into tears.
“There is only one answer then that will make us both happy. Ella, please do not concern yourself anymore; you shall never see me again. I am so sorry to be so demanding of your love when you do not wish it. And I am deeply sorry that our story should end so sadly. I just… can’t bear the agony of having you forever beyond my reach.
I love you, and I always shall. For that reason, I shall respect your decision.
I am sorry to have pestered you so. Goodbye, Eleanor.
" With that said, Marcus got up and staggered off to somewhere private to cry like he had not allowed himself to do in a very long time.
Marcus left, and Eleanor watched him go, wondering now if her decision to protect her own heart at his expense was a wise one or not.
She was on the point of running after him, but she could not bring herself to do it.
She knew he would react like this. It was just yet another pain she knew that their long-doomed relationship was bound to produce inevitably.
Love. Why was it always that the great joy of love invariably caused an equivalent amount of pain?
Probably it was best just to get all the pain over with now, like tearing a dressing off a wound that a healing injury had grown into.
Yes, better to just be done with it now, instead of suffering all of that potential pain that inevitably came from betting all of one’s happiness on the presence of another person in life, another person who could so easily be taken away from you. Or worse, they could leave.
So instead, she locked herself in her chamber and wept until she fell asleep.