Chapter 18 #3
He knew that she was teasing and that her use of the word ‘love’ was simply playful and meant to denote simple friendship.
Still, any familiarity she demonstrated toward him made his heart soar.
It was breaking down all of the logical misgivings he had about offering to share his life, his estate, and his reputation with this woman, this dreadfully wrong and inappropriate woman before him.
This girl from a low-bred and obnoxious family with several sisters with dreadful manners.
This woman whose own mother was loud, shrill, and absurd.
This woman whose father had no discernible ambition in life other than to read.
And yet, he would overlook all of that. For her!
Elizabeth looked at him and wisely chose to turn the conversation to a safer subject.
"Does your estate produce timber?"
"Yes, though it is no longer our principal source of income.
It was when I first took charge of Pemberley.
As I told you when I taught you to fly a kite, I have managed the estate for the past six years.
My father was an excellent master, but he was rather conservative in his methods.
I diversified the estate. I increased our flocks, introduced new breeds, and began producing wool.
Two years ago, I built a new mill, and Pemberley is now one of the largest wool producers in Derbyshire. "
"How fascinating! You cannot imagine how often I have told my father that we ought to keep sheep at Longbourn. I even studied which breeds were best suited to Hertfordshire's climate."
“Miss Bennet, one would not expect a daughter to know so much about estate management. I am impressed.”
Elizabeth went on to tell Mr Darcy about the book she had read to better understand the subject. Before long, they found themselves discussing the differences between northern and southern farming.
Mr Darcy was delighted by Elizabeth's eagerness to learn more about Pemberley.
She, in turn, was equally pleased to find that the engaging Mr Darcy had returned.
It was evident that speaking of his ancestral home always put him in the happiest of spirits.
They continued their walk, conversing upon a great variety of subjects.
Elizabeth, as always, delighted in teasing him, while he answered with the most solemn air, pretending to be deeply offended.
“Miss Elizabeth, your knowledge of animal husbandry is equal to that of many landed gentlemen that I know.”
“And you find that surprising? That a woman, a mere woman, could obtain such complex, dark, and secret knowledge?” she said with a touch of sarcasm.
“It is not common for a woman, that much is certain.”
“She seized upon that word. Oh, and God forbid I might be common! We know how much you detest common people!” teased Elizabeth.
“That is not what I meant, Miss Elizabeth, and you know that! I admit that it is rare for women to have such knowledge, but only because they are either uninterested…”
“... or they were not given the opportunity,” finished Elizabeth.
“That is true. Women are denied much by society. It seems likely that some women are far more capable than we men imagine them to be. In my experience some women are indeed complete idiots, concerned only with balls and gowns and marriage. But it must also be noted that a great deal of men are complete idiots too, and they have even less excuse than the women.”
“And I do not think as many women would be as infatuated with balls and gowns and such if their minds were allowed the responsibilities of more serious subjects. Balls, gowns and frippery are simply all that is left to them, well, besides childbearing. Surely, you must see that.”
“You do make a solid and logical point, Miss Elizabeth.”
He paused and thought for a moment.
“You see, this is exactly why I enjoy my conversations with you, Miss Elizabeth. You challenge me. I get so bored with these women who throw themselves in my path and simply agree with everything I say. They have no opinion in the first place, or worse, because they disagree but haven’t the honesty to tell me to my face. ”
“Oh, that I can assure you, my good Mr Darcy, is a problem you will never suffer in my presence.”
“Oh Miss Elizabeth, I am all too certain of that. I can all too painfully attest to the truth of that promise as my pride bears the bruises of your past remarks about me as proof.”
“I do not believe that your famous pride is in any danger of withering or dying anytime soon in my presence, Mr Darcy. Your pride will survive any encounters you have with the notorious Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”
“It does seem ironic that I appear to enjoy your slander truly,” he noted with a smile to himself. “How odd.”
When they drew near the parsonage, Elizabeth attempted to take her leave.
"Well, Mr Darcy, I must return to the parsonage. It will soon be time for luncheon, and Mr Collins does not approve of my being late. Thank you for your company and for such an interesting conversation."
Elizabeth rewarded him with one of her radiant smiles. She had genuinely enjoyed spending the morning in his company.
"I assure you, Miss Bennet, the pleasure has been entirely mine."
Mr Darcy could not bring himself to part from her so easily. Such a delightful morning ought not to end in so ordinary a manner. Taking her hand, he raised it to his lips and kissed it with the greatest tenderness more than once.
When he looked up, he found Elizabeth gazing at him, her cheeks deeply flushed. With his free hand, he was about to caress her face when he caught sight of Hall, his aunt's butler, watching them from a distance.
Instantly releasing Elizabeth's hand, he said with sudden formality, "Good afternoon, Miss Bennet."
Without another word, he turned and walked away.
Elizabeth remained where she was for several moments, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
‘Mr Darcy is surely the most incomprehensible man I have ever met. I believe it would be wisest to avoid him for the remainder of my stay in Kent.’
◆◆◆
Lady Catherine had begun to suspect that her nephew Darcy was becoming infatuated with Miss Bennet.
In her opinion, it was only natural for men to be drawn to attractive and flirtatious young women such as Miss Bennet.
The difficulty lay in the fact that her nephew was unlike most men.
He possessed strong principles and invariably sought to do what he believed was right.
If that scheming young woman succeeded in ensnaring him, Lady Catherine was convinced it would only be to secure a child and thereby force him into marriage.
Darcy must first marry Anne. Afterwards, if he wished to establish Elizabeth in a handsome house in London and make her his mistress, Lady Catherine would have no objection.
No matter how many children Elizabeth might bear him, only Anne's children should inherit Pemberley and the immense fortune of the Darcy family.
Mr Darcy had shut himself away in the library, longing to see Elizabeth. He could still feel the softness of her hand upon his lips. Had Hall not appeared when he did, he was convinced that they would have kissed. It had seemed the perfect moment for it.
Such moments happen when you feel such close feelings for the other and are nearly certain they feel similarly.
But you are all too aware of the massive invisible wall that separates mere acquaintances from one another.
It is a wall that does not exist between lovers.
Lovers can hold hands or touch a cheek, a shoulder, or an arm so readily and without fear of offence.
As Elizabeth stood there, her eyes sparkling, her pink lips smiling, less than an arm’s length away, the phrase, ‘so close yet so far’ seemed perfectly apt.
But to close that gap! To destroy that wall!
And to venture to do so with no spoken agreement or acknowledgement that it was, indeed, a perfectly appropriate time for a kiss was the most maddening part of being a man in love.
In reaching blindly past that wall, a man risks putting everything he holds dear in his relationship with a woman at risk!
What if the feelings are not mutual? What if he was mistaking her mere friendliness for something more?
What if she becomes repulsed and offended?
To find out that one is wrong in one’s assumptions at that very moment seems like the worst possible timing.
That is why it is so easy to take the cowardly route and not risk destroying all the trust and rapport one has worked so hard to sustain in courtship with her thus far by venturing something as dangerously intimate as a first kiss.
It was such a gamble, because by hoping for more you also risked shattering the possible fiction that she ever cared for you equally as much as you cared for her.
Asking permission seemed like it should be a reasonable option, so why did it also feel like it ruined all the magic inherent in a spontaneous and unspoken first kiss?
As a grown and experienced man, Mr Darcy felt that, by now at least, he should be able to confidently manage a simple initial kiss with a woman he felt attracted to.
But it never got any easier! Because the more infatuated he became, the higher the stakes felt and the more terrifying the potential loss also became.
He acknowledged that it would be so much easier to be the woman because it was men who had been assigned this dreadful responsibility of initiating a first kiss.
If only women' s minds could be read, it would forever end the nerve-wracking responsibility that men endured.
But, alas, it was hopeless. Darcy realized that the sweet agony of uncertainty before a first kiss is something that aspiring lovers must forever endure.
That attempt would always either be rewarded or would end in a minor tragedy. There were no other options.