19. Shadows
“Jax,” Killian said, “is there another way? Can we go back?” Killian cringed at the words that so closely mimicked the tree’s accusations. He was a coward.
The wolf sniffed the air. This way does not smell like death. Something rotten is coming behind us, though. Something like moldy carrion.
Meshougi’s hand settled on Killian”s forearm, her beady gaze holding his as she gave him a smile filled with compassion. Killian swallowed a sudden rush of emotion, feeling the warmth from her comfort and nausea from his shame. She squeezed his arm. “The only way is through, dear. One step, and then the next. One breath, and then the next. Sometimes, all we can do in times of difficulty is hold to the truth. Your dreams taught you that what you feel, see, and hear may not be real. The trees tell you the lies you once believed.” Her smile turned a bit sad. “The storm is picking up now, but you have already conquered one challenge—you have overcome. The winds blow, but you must not bend to breaking …” She released him and stepped forward, placing her bony hand on the bark with a wince to help herself down a rocky step. “And don’t listen to the trees.”
Phineas and Killian made eye contact. Phineas was waiting for his lead, his face lined with determination, confidence, and trust—trust Killian didn’t feel he deserved. But he would do his best. Killian swallowed hard before nodding to his companion. Sheathing his sword to better maneuver through the trees, Phineas took the lead, and Jax followed close behind him. Jax’s pelt grew thicker with slime with every brush against the leaves. Phineas’s bulk struggled around each slobbery, twisted branch and crooked trunk. Killian kept his sword drawn and moved sideways, constantly keeping watch over all his companions.
Meshougi began to sing in low and haunting Common, harmonizing with the eerie rumbling murmur of the forest.
”The whisper tides will seek a sigh
Some breath to steal and shriek the lie.
But rightly fight among the fray,
The might of light will guide your way.
”The trees drip words, the words burn hot,
But truth will sear the pain to naught.
So seek your path, and do not stray,
Be strong of heart, come what may.”
“Maybe you could sing something else,” Killian muttered, as fear dripped like ice down his spine. He hesitated. The way forward required him to touch the bark again. Closing his eyes, he inhaled slowly. The only way is through.
His shoulder brushed a leaf. “Unloved,” it hissed. “Unworthy.” He tripped, and his knee landed hard on a root. “Alone. Hated.” He pulled himself up by a branch. “Hiding behind a crown you don’t deserve.” “Nothing without it.” “Only good for a betrothal.” “Murderer.” The trees were so dense that every step and twist put him in contact with another piece, and every piece added to the cacophony of voices.
Mushrooms scattered along edges of the tree roots, some red and white, others black as coal. They emitted the smell of rotting onion, and thick oil beaded along the edges and hissed when it hit their clothes and skin.
The voices grew louder as his vision blurred. “You killed your mother.” “You were never good enough to be king.” “It should have been you who died.” A flash of the crown and his father’s frown surged through his mind. “He was never going to choose you. It was always going to be Phineasssss.” He saw his father pat Phineas on the shoulder with a proud smile that Killian had never seen.
Killian shook his head, muttering under his breath, “Don’t listen to the trees. Don’t listen to the trees.”
Ahead, he could barely make out Phineas, his every movement shaky and stilted. Killian used the inside of his shirt to wipe his eyes, trying to see more clearly. He thought he saw Phineas’s cheeks shining with tears. Jax stumbled and whined. He looked at Meshougi who moved forward with her eyes closed and her head tilted upward. She was singing something too low to hear, but with every touch of the trees, her wrinkly forehead spasmed for a moment before it settled again.
The only way is through.
A thousand types of mushrooms now filled the space, covering the ground, trees, and branches. Wide yellow ones climbed the trees, and purple feathery mushrooms dripped like poisonous stalactites from the boughs above their heads. His vision swirled. Then the forest disappeared behind a darkly-colored hallucination.
Buxom women filled his view, their dresses low, and their eyes hungry. Some held chalices that spilled blood red wine, others with decadent sweets. His father stood with his arms wide and a beaming grin that crinkled at his eyes. “My son, take one or take them all. Who needs a contract? In fact, let’s burn it.” He took off his crown. “This is yours. Rest here on your throne.”
His vision shifted to a battle between him and Phineas. He had finally overcome his friend and held the sword to his neck. Phineas lay on the ground staring up at him, his eyes filled with black ink that bled onto his face. His voice was garbled. “Kill me, traitor. End this competition. I do not wish to live under your kingship.” Killian saw himself draw his sword up and then plunge it into Phineas’s chest. Phineas cackled as bloody spittle landed on his lips. “You actually did it, you murderer. Finally. You killed me.” His gaze fixed on Killian’s. “You killed me. Now he will love you and only you.”
Killian screamed as he fell to his knees, trying to push out the images. The women in the vision crowded back in, petting his hair, crooning, and giggling. His father stood before him, shoving the crown toward his head. “Take it, take it, take it. It’s all you ever wanted. It’s all you need. Take it. Take it. It’s finally yours. Everything you ever wanted is yours.”
Killian felt his hands on his head as he closed his eyes. But the vision was in his mind, and he couldn’t close his eyes to that.
A rotting smell of old meat flooded his senses.
He rubbed his fingertips together, to gain some sense of reality. His vision self had stopped moving. He knew that the stench came from somewhere behind him. Though his vision self was still standing, he also knew he was kneeling, though he could not see it. The smell grew stronger. The only way out is through. Bend, don’t break. Get up.
“Jax! Phin! Meshougi!” he called aloud, and though he felt the vibration in his throat, his ears couldn’t hear it. The only sounds were the tittering women and his father’s, “Take it, take it.” He stumbled to his feet in the real world, the pressure on his toes the only truth he knew. Pressure on his hand told him he held onto a branch. Meshougi’s song echoed through his mind. Some breath to steal and shriek the lie. They were the lie. He had to trust his sense of touch. Trust the truth.
He stepped forward and hit something. His body stumbled a step before he caught his balance. The women around him grew talons, and their mouths opened to cavernous pits. He stepped again, taking a deep breath. Then another. The women morphed, their extremities extending, and their elbows and knees sharpening. His father’s face lengthened as his eyes blackened to empty space and his mouth dripped vomit as black as the mushrooms. Everyone began to scream. Meshougi’s song now came from his lips, “But rightly fight among the fray, the might of light will guide your way.”
One step. One breath. One step. One breath. “The trees drip words, the words burn hot, but truth will sear the pain to naught.”
Sear. Light. Truth.
Light?
The women’s faces transformed again, this time to sharpened beaks. They began to peck at him. Sharp pinches grasped and tore at his skin in the real world as well. But this wasn’t right. He didn’t want the treaty broken for just any woman. He didn’t want the crown at the loss of his father. He didn’t want to forsake his responsibility to his people. He didn’t want to lose Phineas for the sake of winning. He wanted to be himself. He wanted truth. He wanted what was best for the kingdom. He wanted the mantle of kingship so he could serve, so he could help his people. He wanted to do what was right.
If only the light of the forest was here.
One step forward. One breath. He fought forward with a grunt and cried, “Light! Light the way! Help me see!”
With a boom, white light burst down and blinded him. The light was hot, and the air filled with acrid smoke. He peeked beneath his hand. The world around him was brilliant, bleached, and … chaos. Massive crows with red eyes swirled around him, those who flew into the brightness screeched and flapped away, their feathers sizzling and falling like ash. His skin steamed as the poisonous ooze from the mushrooms and sap burned away.
He searched for his friends. Meshougi was crouched near his feet, curled in a ball, panting but alive. Jax cowered outside the light, beset by crows. Killian grasped his fur and tugged him into the burning white circle of light, leaving his avian attackers behind screaming at the edge of the shadows.
Where was Phineas?
Squinting, he saw Phineas several paces up the hill on his belly with his hands covering his head, overcome by the feathery attacks. Behind him, something massive approached. The smell grew as it drew nearer. Killian sprinted toward Phineas, relieved that a beam of light remained around his other companions as he dashed toward his fallen friend. The shadows behind Phineas formed into a two-legged beast, like a man but coated in black oil and mud that dripped around him with each squelching step. The creature reached for Phineas’s foot, and Killian shouted.
Leaping on his friend, the light split to come with him, and burned at the crows which hopped and whirled out of the circle with piercing cries. Phineas was shaking. The beast had pulled his hand back from the edge of the light. And from his crouch, it glared at Killian.
“This one is mine,” it said. “You left it behind.”
“You cannot have him. He is my friend. My brother.” Killian’s flat hand cut through the air. “You cannot take him.”
A gaping, unhinged jaw shuddered, and the voice of a hundred spoke. “I must have payment. You have entered my woods, and I must be paid. The rest can go free. Otherwise, I will kill you all. One to save the others. A true king would do it. It’s a small payment. Only one life.”
Killian’s heart iced over. Phineas shifted beneath him, rolling to his side while he held his stomach. He looked so tired, and his voice quaked. “Killian, let him take me. You must go and save your kingdom. Be the king I know you can be.”
One life for many. His friend for his own. Killian had run or hidden from many things, but in this, there was only one choice.
“No,” Killian said without looking down at Phineas. “I will not let you take him.” Before Phineas could protest, Killian reached out his hand. “Take me instead.”
“Killian! The kingdom needs you!” Phineas cried.
Killian shook his head. “The kingdom needs a king who will do the right thing. Who puts others above himself. Who values his friends.” He extended his hand farther toward the beast. “Who chooses love.”
The shadow’s maw pulled to the side in a dripping smile, and sharp yellow teeth glistened as it hissed. “Mine.” Snatching Killian’s hand, it yanked Killian from Phineas’s side. The moment the monster touched him, he was filled with a sickening dread. He was going to die.
The light above Phineas merged with the light encircling Jax and Meshougi who rushed to Phineas’s side.
The monster looked him up and down. “You will be payment.” His grip tightened on Killian’s forearm, piercing his skin.
“Let them go.”
“As you say.” With a wave of his shadowed hand, echoes of movement came from behind him: the crows scattered, and the trees shifted away. The path formed beneath them, leading down and out of the forest. The creature sniffed at Killian’s palm, licking it with a snake-like forked tongue. It sneered. “You’re weak.”
Killian swallowed. “Yes.”
“You have failed.”
Killian’s breath faltered, and he lowered his gaze to the bottom of the thing’s jaw. “I have.”
“Are you enough?” it sneered, its lip curling in a swirl of purple smoke. Killian knew that the monster meant enough payment, but the question triggered the memory of Phineas’s words and begged a deeper answer, a truer response. Despite every failing and stumbling, was he enough? Could he be enough just as he was?
Killian saw himself reflected in the monster, but felt within himself the lessons, the character and the man he was and wanted to be. He wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t flawless. But Killian could finally see himself as he was. Not per his father, or his court. But as a man.
Squaring up his feet, and with one last glance toward his companions, Killian met the monster’s harsh gaze. “I am.” He took a deep breath. “I am the son of my father, a prince who would do anything for my friends and for my kingdom. I am learning, and I am imperfect, but I will not give up.” He thought of Raela and how he had loved her. Something cracked within his chest. He stood taller. “I am enough.”
The monster cackled in mockery, but his laughter faltered and caught, shifting to halting, painful breaths. It looked to their grasped hands. “What are you doing?” It tried to pull away, but its grip was seized tight in Killian’s who couldn’t release him. Between their palms and around their fingers, tiny beams of light pierced outward until Killian’s entire hand glowed bright white. The light traced up to his chest before surging through his entire body.
“What have you done?” the monster shrieked. “Stop! I shall release you all! Let go!”
But Killian could not. He would not. It was time to end the monster. He gripped harder.
Inside the arm of the monster, cracks of light fractured the shadows, moving slowly before settling in its chest—a heart of light. The light split through the monster, who hardened and cracked like dry earth, the slits of light beaming out from within.
Meshougi stepped beside Killian and set her hand on his arm, glaring hard at the monster. “Light will always overcome darkness. Truth will always overcome lies. Love will always win.” She looked toward Killian’s face with beaming affection. “Finish it. I am proud of you.”
With a surge from his chest, warmth flooded outward, down his arm and into the beast. The light intensified, until all at once, with a screech, the light and darkness exploded.
Though the darkness hit the circle of light that surrounded Killian and his companions like rain on glass, it couldn’t penetrate it. The darkness dissipated into dust. The breeze swept through, the clouds parted, and the trees dispersed. The gentle green forest around them was filled with the smell of sunny meadows and sounded like songbirds at dawn.
Killian could finally see clearly.