Chapter Twenty Three #2
I shifted on the stool as if my leg had gone numb. “I didn’t wanna… It’s not his shit to deal with. I shouldn’t make my problems his, you know? At least about the best man stuff. I was trying to figure out a way to tell him about how my family suspected he had a crush on me.”
Rickie’s eyes tensed. “So, like, why though? No offense, but that’s an excuse, not a reason.”
My back hurt, and I moved my shoulders. “Finn would end his friendship with my brother if he knew how shitty they treated me. But it means so much to him, Finn would end up more hurt than anyone. He’d also drop out of the wedding and ruin that, too.”
“Hmm,” Rickie said. “I call bullshit. And lemme tell you why.” She finished her drink and placed it on the bar.
“Okay! So. I had this boyfriend freshman year in undergrad. Nice, great body, was a daddy in his twenties. Anyway! This one time, he took me to his family’s place down the vineyard.
I’ve been going since birth, and learned to sail before I rode a bike, okay? And he knew all this.”
“We all know what that’s like. My toddler tiara fitting was a nightmare.” Mae’s royal accent was back as she fluffed her giant wig.
Rickie continued without acknowledging her. “Tell me why that man had to explain each thing on the boat to me like I was an infant? We had a huge fight about it because he was always doing stuff like that. He even talked to my professors about my grades behind my back.”
Mae said, “Girl, I wish! Maybe I would’ve graduated in five years instead of seven.”
“No, trust me. It was like he was constantly telling me I couldn’t handle things, so I broke up with him. And, no offense, but it kinda sounds like you’re doing that to Finn.”
I shook my head. “I don’t do that. He’s my boyfriend. My partner.”
Rickie squinted and frowned. “Maybe not as much, but protecting him from a painful truth does kinda sound like you’re treating him like a child.”
A beat passed as I stared at her. “Protecting him… I don’t…” I said. Rickie nodded. My eyes fluttered. “Like a child? Wow.” They fluttered again. “You think that?”
Her frown turned into a tight smile, and her eyes squinted tighter. “Kinda?”
Did I do that? I once saw him as a lost boy. Or a lost puppy. Or a golden retriever. Did I think he could handle things?
“Fuck.” I stared at the floor wide-eyed. “Maybe I do try to protect him from shit? But if I do, it’s only because I love him and would hate him being in pain. But…” I looked at Rickie. “That’s fucked, isn’t it?”
Rickie had a sad smile. “Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.”
“You’re the oldest, right?” Kris asked, and I nodded. “I am, too. So I understand that feeling. But you gotta know when to help, and when to trust.”
Sweat prickled my neck. “Jesus, yeah. It’s like… hard-wired in my brain to…” I filled my lungs with Mae’s fruity perfume and stale beer. “I guess… yeah, protect and help the people I love.”
For the first time, Mae didn’t use any kind of funny voice. “Honey, you’re protecting that bigot, too. Why not blow up her spot? Post a duet video reading her for filth and tag her cunty ass.”
My stomach filled with acid. “I… don’t know.” I blinked again. “I mean, I don’t want to lose my brother. She’d make him cut contact if I publicly embarrassed her like that.”
Mae looked at me like I was the lost puppy.
“My sister taught me how to do makeup. Used me as a dress-up doll for my whole little boyhood. Even helped me strap on my tits for my first ever show. Then she became a Christian nationalist, and I cut the bitch outta my life. Best decision I ever made. Bye-bye, hoe, hope the door don’t hit ‘ya where the good lord moved your mouth.”
The A.C. must’ve kicked on, making my neck chilly. “Bree told me yesterday that being gay was, in and of itself, pornographic, inappropriate, and unsuited for children.” I gulped down the half glass of beer I had left.
“Jesus,” Kris said.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Rickie said. “She said that to you? And you didn’t scream in her face?”
I had to swallow twice. “Not in so many words, but yeah, that’s what she meant.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mae’s voice dropped an octave. “You shoulda blew her ass up, on the spot! Kept asking what she meant until her ugly spilled all over the floor.”
A small chuckle escaped my nose. “She’s not…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “It’s not my job to help bigots. It’s impossible, anyway.”
Mae leaned into my space. “Listen, hunty, you may be right, but the only way to deal with talking blood clots is to name and shame. When good people know they’re ugly, they’ll only ever be with other ugly people, and those people suck.
Let them make each other miserable and leave us the fuck alone. ”
I laughed, considering changing Bree’s name in my phone to Talking Blood Clot.
“I know, I know. But that’s easier said than done.
And it’s even harder when it’s your family.
I never want to put anyone out, or make them feel uncomfortable because of my sexuality, you know?
Like it’s not a big deal. It is what it is. ”
“That makes no sense, man,” Kris said, getting my attention.
“You said you didn’t tell Finn all that stuff to protect him.
Kinda fucked, but makes sense. Then you said you don’t want to embarrass that woman, because it would mean losing your brother, who already disrespected you.
Makes less sense. But not wanting anyone to feel uncomfortable because you’re gay?
” His brow scrunched, and he shook his head.
“Makes zero sense. Just saying, but to me, it sounds like you think you’re being self-sacrificing, but you’re not.
You’re letting those shitheads walk all over you. ”
I swallowed, wishing I had more beer. “I don’t think… I wasn’t… I mean, fuck her. But I don’t let people walk all over me.”
Mae fell back laughing and kicked her legs up.
Kris said, “All I’m saying is, when you see your brother, and he pretends everything is fine, will you?”
Miles had done that. And when I inadvertently vented my frustrations in Miami, he blew up at me. But… I never told him straight up how fucked up what he did was, or all the shit Bree said and did. I just took it.
“No,” I said. “But I also never really told him how it made me feel.”
Kris nodded. “Okay. What if he came crawling back and apologized for everything and realized what a huge mistake he made, would you forgive him?”
“Yeah, man. He’s my little brother and best friend. I miss him so fucking much.”
“Then you have to be honest with him. Finn, too. They can handle it. And if they can’t…” Kris shrugged.
“Then fuck ‘em!” Mae said, halfway to her silly accent. “You’re a hot gay doctor. Be proud of who you are!”
Rickie said, “Making yourself small for others only gives you a bad back.”
The chill on my neck turned into a shiver. Finn filled my mind. His sleeping face morphing into a smile. Then the fall of his brow when I told him it was both.
“Jesus Fucking Christ. Did I fuck up the best relationship I’ve ever been in because of this bullshit?”
Rickie said, “Not yet. But, like… depends on what you do next.”
Mae put her empty glass on the bar and slouched toward me. “Honestly, hun, you should just forget about them and move to the city. Better jobs and more dick.”
“Finn’s the only guy I want.”
Mae shook her head. “That boy must be hung like a god.”
“He is.” My face burned after I said it. Mae cackled. Rickie pushed me, laughing. I laughed too, my chest opening.
Finn’s laugh rang in my ears. His scent filled my nose, and warmth wrapped my body. I couldn’t lose him. Finn deserved the man he always thought I was.
I said, “After everything, I was only going to the wedding for Finn, but he’s a big boy…” I touched the dead phone in my pocket. “Fuck it, and fuck them.” I got the bartender’s attention. “Can we have a round of vodka shots?”
“Now we’re talking!” Mae said. “Don’t grace that shitty bitch with your presence.”
“I was just going to say that!” Rickie said. “But, make mine tequila with Tajín instead of salt, please!”