Chapter Twenty-Nine Revelations and Retreats #3
On our first night we decide that Nani and I will move into our condo in Toronto after this vacation.
Mom says she’ll follow soon. She needs time to pack and wrap up her commitments in Cherrybridge first. Nani says Mom can stay in Cherrybridge with Jason if she wants to now.
I won’t have to live with Nanabapa, and Nani will make sure my grandfather never sees me, but Mom still says she doesn’t want to stay in the spotlight in Cherrybridge, especially without me with her.
She loves Jason and has no doubt about how much he loves her, but she’s not sure she’s cut out to be a LeClair.
She’s going to ask Jason if we can take Rosie—so we can be three single women with a cat.
I like this plan, but I’m still pretty sad about everything.
Even though we decide we’re free of the curse, our actions feel so resigned.
Mom and I talk for a while about how we wasted years thinking we were cursed, and it didn’t let us truly be ourselves because we were trying too hard to be perfect.
Mom admits that the golf and tennis lessons and cooking every night was all because she was afraid that the curse would sabotage her relationship if she wasn’t the perfect wife for Jason just like all the other wives in the country club.
It’s funny. I always thought Mom and I were only similar on the outside, but this trip has shown me that we’re exactly the same on the inside, too. Nani laughed at that, saying the only person as stubborn and determined as my mother is me.
More than anything else, I want to talk to Noah about all of this, because he understands this complicated family crap better than anyone else I know. He gets why the expectations our family puts on us, and that we put on ourselves, are the real curse.
I miss him so much, it hurts. I miss the way I could tell what he was feeling just by the shape of his lips. I miss his mischievous flirty smile. I miss his real, embarrassed smile too.
Since I’m not really interested in having a mud bath at the spa, I lounge in the hotel room and pull out my computer and start documenting my summer in Cherrybridge in a long post on my photography blog while Mom and Nani have spa treatments.
I post the pictures of Gordon Park before we spruced it up; the ones of all of us CROP kids working; of Donut Den; of the bridge; and of me, Sadie, and Liv in Jason’s backyard.
Plus a whole bunch of pictures of Rosie.
My favorite are the last few pictures of Gordon Park, while we’re painting the bandstand. It looks so amazing. The whole park does. It sucks that I won’t see it when it’s completely done, because right now is the last week of CROP.
When I show the post to Mom and Nani after publishing it, they ask me about Noah and how serious we were.
I end up telling them everything about our short relationship.
I tell them about all the things we talked about, about how talented he is, and about how hard things are for him because of the pressure he feels in his family.
I tell them about his dreams and how much I wanted to see him accomplish them.
I tell them that I fell in love with him. And I tell them the truth, that I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone else as amazing as Noah Jacobs. Mom asks if I have apologized.
“I can’t. He doesn’t want to talk to me.”
Mom shakes her head. “Meera, what have we been talking about all week—taking responsibility! If you’re actually sorry about it, then tell him. It’s his decision if he wants to respond or not, but you should be honest with him and own up to your actions.”
She’s right. If this week with Mom and Nani has taught me anything, it’s that you have to communicate to let people know how you feel. I take out my phone before I lose my nerve, and open a text to him.
Meera: noah i wanted to let you know that i’m leaving cherrybridge soon.
and i didn’t want to go without telling you i’m sorry.
i shouldn’t have sent that song to keeley without asking you.
i shouldn’t have convinced you to sneak into jason’s parents’ house.
i shouldn’t have asked you to pretend to date me in the first place.
mom says i had a case of main character syndrome all summer and i think she’s right.
but it wasn’t because i wanted to be your savior…
i just wanted to help you. i wanted you to be the best you could be and i loved getting the chance to be in your life this summer.
i really loved the performance you posted on instagram.
i’m a better person after knowing you and i wish things could be different but i understand why they can’t. i hope all of your dreams come true
He doesn’t write back, but this feels like the real closure I needed. That doesn’t mean I’m not still heartbroken, though. Heart-destroyed. Heart-mutilated.
When we finally get back to Cherrybridge on Saturday afternoon, we’re all in better spirits. I—all three of us—needed that. Nani and I were always close, but I know her now in a way I didn’t before. And I’m now closer to my mother than I’ve ever been.
I half expect that Nani and I will head back to Toronto as soon as we get to Cherrybridge, but tomorrow is Jason’s rally at Gordon Park, and Mom asks us to stay for it, saying it would mean a lot to Jason.
I thought it would be hard for me to see the park again, but after writing that blog post, I really want to see the finished bandstand.
See if the plantings we put in near the sign are doing well.
See if the grass is still weed-free. One more time before leaving Cherrybridge, I want to see the place where I fell in love. So I agree.