Chapter 60
On the day my exam results were released I did what I would do on any other morning: I had a shower, got dressed, ate breakfast with Mum and Dad, brushed my teeth.
When I took the car keys off the hook in the hallway I felt my parents’ presence.
‘You sure you don’t want one of us to come with you?’ Mum said.
‘I’m sure,’ I said.
‘We’ll be here when you get back,’ said Dad.
I gave them a grateful nod and went out the front door.
It was a quiet morning on the roads, hardly any traffic, just the constant hum of the engine and the rumble of the tyres and the blank focus of a thoughtless mind.
No nerves in my stomach. No tension in my muscles.
It was only when I arrived at a junction and stopped at one of the few red lights I’d hit so far that a new sensation trembled inside.
The road ahead led to school.
The road to the left led to the big shopping centre.
And the road to the right …
When the lights turned amber I switched on my indicator.
When the lights turned green I steered to the right.
It was a road I’d never driven before, I hadn’t been to the place it led to, except in my mind, my dreams. I drove past green fields, farmhouses and small filling stations.
Past white stone pubs and strawberry sellers on the roadside.
Signs for fresh eggs and some children riding ponies on the verge that I gave a wide berth to when I passed.
I put my window down and let the warm grassy air fill my lungs and tousle my hair.
When the road took a rise, the sun blasted its strength through a clearing in the trees, and I put my visor down to shield my eyes from the glare so that I could see clear ahead.
When I saw the sea of gold I knew I had arrived.
The barley field had grown high and wild; it didn’t look as I had imagined it.
It looked like it hadn’t been maintained all year or more.
I pulled up alongside the broken fence that lined it.
It looked even thicker and wilder up close.
I got out and closed the door. A flock of crows erupted from the depths of the barley.
When their cawing faded into the distance the only sound was the shushing of the barley in the gentle breeze.
I stood looking into it. No clear pathway through.
I would have to make my own. I climbed over the fence and walked up to the wall of stalks that came up to chest height, pushed them aside and stepped in.
I tried to walk in a straight line towards the centre of the field, pushing reeds aside and being shushed at louder by the brushing of the barley against my body.
Stepping awkwardly forward and through the crop, snapping stalks but trying to be gentle.
I kept going, tripping sometimes and getting hotter as I increased my pace.
I was so focused downwards on my footfall that it was a shock when my feet hit a clear patch of green and I looked up to see that I’d walked right across the field and come out the other side where there was another fence with a stile separating the barley field from a herd of cows in the field next to it, who all stared at me when I emerged.
I stood up on the stile to look across the field I’d just strode across and heard a rumble of hooves as the cows ran away behind me.
I looked across the barley to see if I could spot the area I was looking for and I could just about make out a dark circular gap towards the middle.
I jumped down and immersed myself back into the gold and made a diagonal line towards the patch.
I was breathless, a little bit frantic, and was getting flustered as I kept tripping myself up.
And then to my right I saw a darker patch that looked like a shadow.
I veered towards it and came into an open hollow in the crop.
In the centre of the clearing was a tree stump.
The remnants of the fairy thorn tree. And somewhere underneath, amidst the roots, lay the time capsule Ronan had come to bury.
This was the place where everything changed.
I knelt down on the ground and put my hand to the earth. I pressed my fingers into the soil and felt the cool dryness of it. I rocked over onto my side and put my ear down flat on the ground and listened. Nothing. Just my own breath. My own heartbeat.
I closed my eyes and stayed there for some time.
The barley continued to shush.
I opened my eyes. Rose up onto my knees and onto my feet. It was the place where one story had ended and another had begun. I’d never know how, only that they did and that I got to be a part of both of them.
I turned and strode back through the barley, straight and steady and swift.
When I came out onto the road again my car was up ahead.
I looked back into the golden field and put my hand to my thigh and felt the outline of the little plastic star from Ronan’s constellation.
I closed my eyes. As I continued to run my finger around the edges I, once again, began to paint the darkness of my eyelids with stars.
Every memory of Ronan birthed a new one, over and over, until the whole of my vision was that pure white blast of light that made me feel utter joy throughout.
I slowly opened my eyes. The whiteness remained as it always did.
I waited for it to fade along with the feeling.
But neither did. Both stayed. In my state of whiteout I turned towards the heat of the sun for guidance and slowly my sight began to return.
I saw the whole road stretching ahead of me towards the sun; startling, so bright, almost blinding.