Chapter 7
A week later, things have only intensified.
All the local jobs I’ve applied for have been unsuccessful, and dropping my CV into bookshops hasn’t worked either; in fact, it’s gone disastrously wrong.
Twice I’d been asked to leave once I told them my name.
Speaking of my name, it’s still trending for all the wrong reasons.
My friends in the book community have defended me, but it’s like screaming into a black hole.
The fallout has gathered momentum, spilling into the outer reaches of the internet where the nastier trolls live.
The unflattering memes become more grotesque as strangers use AI, of all things, with my likeness and share them far and wide.
People continue to come out of the woodwork sharing one horrific story after another of scandalous things I’ve done – none of which are true.
It’s impossible not to take it personally.
It blows me away that one momentary lapse of concentration has had such a nuclear effect.
Like a bomb detonated in my life and blew it to smithereens.
I don’t understand how it’s still going, since I’m not a celebrity or anyone of note.
People just love being an audience to downfall. What have we become?
‘How quickly one can go from glorious heights to stunningly painful lows,’ I say to Lily, who sits beside me, reading a thriller.
She turns to me. ‘What’s happened now?’
I hold up my phone to show her. ‘People are calling for a response from me about the statement Tia posted last week.’ I’ve vacillated endlessly about this, not wanting to stoke the fire, and to let Tia’s statement have its moment, but my silence is being taken as cowardice.
Lily flicks through the comments and mutters under her breath about people needing to get a life.
‘Would it help, or hinder, that’s the thing?
Are they just braying for blood at this point?
It’s as if they want the next instalment of drama, so why give it to them?
They’re not even book people. They’re cyberbullies. ’
‘Who have a lot of time on their hands.’
She grimaces. ‘Don’t let the trolls dictate what you do. In saying that, a statement for your Bookstagram friends might be nice. Let that be the line you draw in the sand and then move on.’
My gut roils but it makes sense. ‘There aren’t all that many followers left. Just my mainstays, my friends in the book community. They’re the ones who matter. I’ll admit my shortcomings and apologise. What if Tia does sue me? God, imagine.’
Lily bites down on her lip as she considers it. ‘Would she though? Sue you for what exactly? You thought you were having a private conversation in the comfort of your own home. Yeah, sure, it was streamed live but it was an accident. I can attest to that.’
I manage a wobbly smile. ‘Who knows how these things work? She said I’d be hearing from her legal team, and so every day my chest tightens when I check my emails.’
‘Let’s worry about that when and if it happens. There’s another development.’ Lily swallows hard. ‘It’s Caleb.’
‘Oh?’
‘He’s hard-launched a new relationship with…’
I close my eyes. ‘What?’ I calculate how many days it’s been since #BangBangGate. Ten.
‘That life coach woman. The one who…’
‘I know the one. She helped with the anti-bullying campaign. Seriously?’ While the relationship with Caleb had been relatively new, moving on ten days later is a kick in the teeth.
‘Goal Digger gets her coffee at the same Costa as me most mornings. Urgh, she introduces herself as your friendly neighbourhood Goal Digger on her daily videos. Don’t you think punny names that bad should be outlawed?
’ OK, that might be the heartbreak talking; I usually love punny names.
‘How could anyone take her seriously?’ I scrub my face.
‘At this point it feels like a pile on. What else can go wrong?’
I catch Lily blanch and quickly avert her gaze. ‘What?’ I ask.
‘Nothing. It’s only that rent is due.’ She wrinkles her nose. ‘But I can cover—’
‘No, no. I’ve got this month sorted. Next month though…
’ This is why people have contingency plans!
But living in London doesn’t come cheap.
Most of my income goes towards expenses and whatever’s left soon vanishes on the fun stuff in life like eating out, books, events.
I can’t have Lily worrying about me making rent, it’s not fair on her.
‘As sad as it’ll be, Lily, maybe I need to consider finding work outside of London since the job hunt is a bust. Rent here is exorbitant.
And it won’t be fun running into Goal Digger and Caleb before I’ve even had my morning coffee. ’
Lily’s face falls. ‘You’re not serious about finding a job in some far-flung place?’
I shrug. The Barefoot Bookshop on the beach just might be the answer…
But I’ve googled the name of the bookshop and nothing came up.
If only I could find that reel or Lucy’s Instagram page again, but so far, no luck on those either despite many searches late at night, mid sob-fest when I can’t sleep.
‘I’ve tried at almost every bookshop in London.
It’s a firm no. Next would be finding a bookseller job at the end of the earth where they haven’t heard of Bookstagram or #BangBangGate.
A quiet town I can hide out, tail between my legs until a new drama comes along in literati-land. ’
A quiet island perhaps…?
I’ve never really found my place, moving from home to home as a teenager. Eventually I landed into the safety of the London pad with Lily but how quickly it feels the opposite, like the foundation here is cracking, the ground moving beneath my feet. That stability I so want is elusive once more.
Lily, who’s usually tough as nails, wells up and I soon follow suit. ‘That seems so drastic, though.’ She gives my arm a supportive squeeze. ‘What about finding a job in a different industry, just for a bit?’
I consider it. ‘Books are my life, Lil. I’d hate to lose that too.
’ I can’t let that happen or what will I have?
Nothing that brings me the joy like books do.
When my parents died, books became my sanctuary, the place I could pause my grief and sink into someone else’s life.
That timeout kept the sorrow at bay, helped me cope with such a devastating loss – so for me, books are almost like a stand-in parent, a stalwart friend I can go to when the world grows dark.
The act of reading is like time spent with an unconditional buddy – one who never judges but is always there for you, no matter what mistakes you’ve made.
So no, I will never give up that part of my life.
It’s my safety net. It’s where I go to be shored up. Put back together again.
Yes, I’ve made a mess of things but surely I can start again somewhere new for a bit?
Without my income from the page and my bookshop job, I can’t afford to live in this bustling metropolis – there’s just no way.
Lily’s young cousin has been making noises about wanting to move to London so I’m sure she’ll jump at the chance to take my room.
And while it might be cowardly, being elsewhere right now would be a relief.
An island hideaway would be just the ticket…