17. Sebastian Courtland
17
SEBASTIAN COURTLAND
As soon as we stepped outside and escaped her screams, I glanced at Byron. His entire body looked sunken in, his head hung and shoulders slumped as if he were trying to curl into a protective ball while remaining mobile.
Did he have to deal with this every time he went to see her? He bought her food, cleaned her house, ran himself ragged to make sure she was okay, and she still treated him like shit.
If that had been me, I would have told her to fuck off a long time ago. She could starve for all I cared. It wasn’t like she had to thank him for physically and financially supporting her, but keeping her mouth shut would have been fair.
But this wasn’t about me and my rage over her treatment of her son. This was about Byron and his pain.
I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him against my body as we walked to his car. Despite the heat, he felt chilled to me. The only thing that mattered was getting him away from this place as quickly as humanly possible.
“Give me your keys. I’ll drive,” I said, holding out my hand.
Byron opened his mouth but for a couple of seconds, nothing came out. In the end, he closed his mouth without saying a word. He handed his keys over with a nod and allowed me to help him into the passenger seat.
After a few adjustments, I had us racing down the street and winding out of this neighborhood of small homes, chain link fences, and old trees. It reminded me of my childhood home, when my parents were both working and struggling to make ends meet with two kids and a mortgage. The entire area felt so familiar and yet so foreign at the same time. It had been more than a decade since I’d traveled along a street like this, so different from the neighborhoods I’d lived in while in high school and college. A world apart from where my home sat. It left me feeling uncomfortable and out of touch.
Byron sighed next to me, dragging my wandering thoughts away from me and back to him. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. He slumped low in his seat, his elbow resting on the door and his head leaning on his hand with his eyes closed. I couldn’t stand to see the defeat in him.
But how could I possibly help him? I’d never felt so utterly helpless in all my life. All I wanted to do was lift this horrible burden from Byron’s shoulders, so he wouldn’t feel so trapped all the time. I could offer to pay for a rehab program for Byron’s mother, or maybe help to place her in an assisted living situation, so someone else was taking care of her instead of the son she clearly hated. None of these things would improve her opinion of Byron, but they might help to ease Byron’s mind and remove some of the hate from his life.
Would he even accept my help with this matter? This whole dating bargain to pay for his brother’s hospital bills had made Byron grumpy. I didn’t know how to frame this to make it easier for him to swallow. Byron rightfully had his pride, and I didn’t want to step on it any more than I had.
On my way to the highway that would carry us north across the Ohio River, another sign caught my attention and led me on a quick detour. A few minutes passed before I was hitting the turn signal and slowing the car to turn into the park. Byron opened his eyes and immediately sat up, taking in his surroundings.
“I’m sorry. Did you get lost? I should have been giving you directions,” he said.
“No, I’m not lost. I thought we could go for a walk. You look like you need to talk, and I’ll do a much better job of listening to you if I’m not trying to concentrate on the road.” I held my breath, waiting for him to argue with me, but he didn’t.
Byron nodded. “Yeah. A walk sounds nice.”
The park was a tiny one, but it appeared well used. There were two sets of swings, a couple of seesaws, and a jungle gym for climbing. Scattered under a thick canopy of maple trees were half a dozen wooden picnic tables. Birds trilled from among the dark leaves and cicadas buzzed low from their hiding spots. The sounds of the nearby traffic were hushed on this lazy Sunday afternoon, and the park was nearly empty as most people preferred to be inside in the air conditioning than out in the heat. I could almost pretend that we were alone in our own little world.
I walked with Byron as we left the car, and I was content to follow him as many times around the park as he needed to walk. He surprised me, though, almost immediately darting into the shade.
“I must be getting too soft. This heat is unbearable,” Byron said. “Do you mind if we just sit?”
“Nope. Sitting works for me.”
He flashed a weak, somewhat shy smile as he selected a picnic table and sat on the top. I climbed up with one step and dropped beside him onto the table. My eyes skimmed over the hundreds of names and random doodles carved into the old wood, a dizzying mix of offensive and loving. I’d never carved my initials into wood with anyone, but something childish in me wanted to do it now with Byron’s initials.
“She wasn’t always like that,” Byron stated, breaking the comfortable silence that had stretched between us. “When I was little and Dad was still alive, she worked off and on. Minimum-wage stuff, but the jobs didn’t seem to last more than a year or two. She complained a lot about her back. I think maybe she was in a car accident or something, but it must have been before I was born because I don’t remember it. Things didn’t heal correctly. Nobody ever talked about it. She drank then too, but not to the excessive level that it is now. That all began after Ronnie’s accident. Everything changed that day.”
“How old was he?”
“Seventeen. It was his senior year of high school. I was fourteen. He spent nearly six months in a coma, and another year in rehab learning how to walk and talk again. But when he came home, he wasn’t the same. There were a lot of doctor appointments and trying to keep track of lots of meds. More rehab.”
“He was living at home?”
Byron nodded. “Yeah. My mom quit working completely to stay home with him and take care of him. It was like caring for a toddler with the strength of a full-grown man. It was…hard on her. Dad and I pitched in after work and school. I got odd jobs in the summer to help pay all the medical bills. That was how we managed for eleven years. But Dad died.”
I reached over and took one of Byron’s hands in mine, massaging his palm and fingers, trying to soothe away the tension that was tightening his frame. “Were you close to your dad?”
Byron tipped his head up and let out a long, slow breath that sounded as if it had been released from the depths of his soul as he stared at the leaves. “Not really. You have to understand, Ronnie was their golden child. He was the quarterback for the high school football team and the star pitcher for the baseball team. His grades were decent, but not great. Yet none of it mattered, because everyone who met him just loved him. There wasn’t a person who didn’t love hanging out with my brother.”
“The life of the party,” I murmured, my heart breaking as I tried to imagine the younger brother left in his shadow.
“Definitely. I loved him too. He didn’t enjoy spending too much time with his dorky little brother, but he wasn’t mean to me. After the accident, old friends came around for a while and they tried, but it was hard and painful for everyone. It was like talking to a stranger who was wearing the body of someone you’d adored for a decade. It was almost a blessing that he didn’t remember most of his friends from high school. That made it easier for them to stop coming by.”
Byron grunted and shoved his right hand through his sweaty hair, pushing it away from his forehead. “But the short of it was that Ronnie was the crown prince, and I was the spare. They didn’t pay a lot of attention to me prior to Ronnie’s accident and after, they didn’t have much energy to spare for me.”
My heart broke for that kid forced to grow up years too soon, missing out on so many important moments in life because fate had darker plans for his family. I lifted his left hand to my lips and pressed a series of small kisses to his knuckles. When I was finished, I glanced over to find a ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he watched me.
“After Dad died, I had to put Ronnie in a facility so he could get the constant care he needed. Mom’s drinking picked up after Ronnie’s accident and it spun out of control with Dad’s death. She couldn’t take care of herself any longer. There was no way she could manage Ronnie on her own, especially since I was working a full-time job in Cincinnati. She completely lost it after I placed Ronnie at Holy Mother. Throwing things and saying that I was destroying this family. That I wanted to take her baby away from her. That I never loved Ronnie, and that I was jealous of him. Putting him in that hospital killed me. I felt like I’d failed him because I couldn’t take care of him myself. She started her shit, and this time I yelled. I don’t even know how it came up, but I ended up outing myself to her. That was the first time she kicked me out of the house. Lived in my car for a couple of weeks before renting that apartment you’ve seen.”
Horror threatened to choke me. “Your car? Didn’t you have any friends you could have stayed with?”
Byron shook his head. “I had a few growing up, but I’d lost touch with everyone by the time I graduated high school. Life narrowed down to three things—school, work, and Ronnie. There wasn’t time for hanging out with friends. I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable leaning on.”
There was no holding it in any longer. I released his hand so I could wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. The need to hold Byron, to absorb some of his pain, was nearly choking me. There was nothing else I could do. There was no way I could go back in time and help teenage Byron dealing with these big issues. All I could do was hold him now.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled into his hair. “So fucking sorry. I wish there was something I could do, but I know there’s nothing and it sucks. It’s not fair that you had to go through this alone.”
Byron’s arms closed on my waist and squeezed me. “It’s enough that you’re holding me now. But there is one problem.”
“What?”
“It’s like a hundred degrees outside and you’re a walking furnace, making it twice at hot,” Byron said against my chest. A hint of laughter played among his words, and I released him to find him smiling—genuinely smiling—up at me.
I winked at him as I moved away. “Sorry. All my sexiness is prone to creating lots of heat.”
He nodded. “I came to realize that when I was lying in bed with you.”
We simply stared at each other for several seconds, grinning like idiots. There was still a shadow of weariness in his eyes, but his smile seemed to wipe away years of worry from his handsome face.
“I hope you don’t mind me saying that I’m really impressed with how you continue to care for your mother despite how she treats you. I don’t think I could have done it. Spending all your time and money on her only to have her call you names and treat you like shit. I would have said fuck it all years ago. Left her to deal with shit on her own.”
Byron winced and rubbed the nape of his sweaty neck. “Please don’t turn me into a saint. I’m not. There were plenty of times that I wanted to do that, but my dad would be disappointed in me if I abandoned her. Plus, even if I hate her a bit, she’s still my mom. She took care of me when I was little. I should at least take care of her now.” He quickly raised his hand as if he knew I had a few choice words about those thoughts. “I know. Probably not my sanest thoughts, but that’s how I feel. I don’t ask that you agree with it or even understand. Just respect my wishes.”
I snatched his hand and pressed a kiss to the palm. “Okay. That’s fair.”
He relaxed and even let out a harsh bark of laughter. “But that whole God and the gays bullshit. I don’t even know where she got that. Growing up, my family was never religious. There was no talk of God and the devil. No one said grace at meals. Never went to church. But as soon as she learned I was gay, it was all this evil, devil, turned-my-back-on-God stuff.” He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes on me slightly. “Did your parents have any trouble accepting you?”
My face scrunched up at the memory. “They weren’t against it. They were more like…confused. I figured out I was gay in high school, but didn’t tell them until I was about to start college. They thought I didn’t date in high school because I was busy with classes, clubs, and sports. No, I was just fucking around with guys on the sly and didn’t bring anyone home. They assumed I was straight and couldn’t figure out how I ended up gay. It took a couple of years for their brains to accept that I was born that way. It wasn’t because of some book I read, some movie I watched, or because I was fucking inoculated as a child. But from the moment I came out, they treated me exactly the same as my straight sister.”
Byron sighed. “That sounds nice.” But the smile that had lingered on his lips crumbled before my eyes and he shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “The difference between our families is frightening. There’s a part of me that can’t believe you’re still sitting here after seeing and hearing what a horror show my life is. I mean, I’ve met your dad in the office, and he’s totally put together and brilliant. Your mom is fucking amazing. By contrast, there’s my family?—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off with a single sharp word. “Please, don’t. It’s not right to compare our families. Your family has been through hell. While I might not be a fan of your mom, I recognize she has suffered a lot. She lost both a husband, and a son in the prime of his life. Besides, you’ve only seen the pretty, public image of my family. There was a long period while I was in college that my family almost didn’t make it.”
“What?” Byron gasped. His hand shot out and grasped my wrist, squeezing it as if to reassure me he was right there with me.
“When my dad was building up Courtland Enterprises, he was taking a lot of trips and spending more time away from the house. My mom was still working as a nurse. They never saw each other. The times they did, they fought. During that time, my dad cheated on my mom. It was a brief fling, but there was no denying that it happened. My parents almost divorced over it, but they tried counseling first. They loved each other a lot and wanted to work past mistakes they’d both made. It took years for them to get to the point they’re at now. While my parents were having problems, their kids were running wild. My sister, Aggie, ended up running off with some guy who only wanted her for her family’s money. It took a lot of lawyers to get rid of that jackass.”
“And…what about you?”
It was fair. I braced my hands behind me and leaned on them, stretching my legs in front of me. It was easier to keep talking as long as I was staring straight ahead rather than meeting his eyes and the disappointment I was fully expecting to see there.
“There was one asshole who tried to use me for my money. We dated for less than a year, but it was long enough to make a big mess of my life and my family.” I paused and mentally poked at the old, ragged wound, wishing I could finally move on from this old nightmare. No one liked talking about how someone they’d cared about had made a fool of them. “I thought he loved me, but he was using me. The whole thing fucked with my head for a long time. After I got rid of him, it was lots of drinking and anonymous sex. Really, kind of made a slut of myself. The endless sex and partying helped me forget that my family was falling apart and how I’d played a part in that. Even after things improved, I didn’t stop until Dad told me he wanted to retire, and I needed to pull my shit together. I decreased the drinking a lot. Now it’s rare if I have two drinks in a single night.”
“And the sleeping around?” Byron prodded.
I dragged my eyes up to meet his, only to find no judgment there. Just sweet compassion and understanding. “That got cut way, way back.” I shoved upright and leaned in close, lowering my voice. “Especially after I hired this super sexy guy to be my assistant. I couldn’t even date once I met him. No one could hold a candle to him. Smart, funny, brilliant, patient even when his boss was a total lunatic. And did I mention sexy? So fucking sexy.”
Byron snorted. “Shut up.” He tried to push me away, but I caught his wrist and kissed his knuckles.
“The only smart thing I did in all my whoring was that I was always safe. I never had sex without protection. Plus, I get tested every year. All of them were negative. Not that I’m asking to go bare with you, but I want you to know that I would never endanger your life.”
His sweet face softened as he lifted his hand, his fingertips lightly grazing my cheek. “I know. I trust you.”
“I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through with your family, especially what you deal with every week with your mom. If there’s something I can do, help pay for home care or assisted?—”
Byron’s fingers slid across my cheek to touch my lips, stopping my words. “No. I don’t want your money. You may not believe this, but talking to you like this has done more for me than any other help I’ve received. There hasn’t been anyone in my life for the longest time who I could talk to about something like this. That means more to me than you will ever understand.”
I moved his hand from my mouth and leaned in the last few inches to take his mouth in a slow, tender kiss that had him wrapping his arms around my waist.
I broke off the kiss and pressed my forehead against his. “Byron, you are my everything. I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe from harm. I would be lost without you.”
His lips brushed mine as they stretched into a smile. “It’s a good thing you never have to be without me, because I’m not going anywhere.”
Perfect.
We kissed again and again. Each was soft and sweet. Just a gentle exploration and reassurance after our shared pain. Byron was the bright, shining star in my life, and I would do anything to protect his light. I would never let anything happen to him.