Chapter 34
DARCY
I t takes me a second to remember that breathing is a thing people are supposed to do. When my brain kicks back online, I inhale sharply, filling my lungs but doing nothing to ease the ache in my chest.
I watch Wren walk away.
And I let him go.
It’s suffocating. This pressure. Feels like it’s bearing down on me all over. My eyes, my throat, my heart, my gut. Nothing is safe from being crushed by losing someone I love more than anything else.
I know all I have to do is manage one word, wait , and he would. He’d wait, and we’d talk, and the both of us would say “fuck the world” and ride off happily into the sunset.
Mom lets out a laugh that sets my teeth on edge, but thankfully, she doesn’t say anything. If she did, if she put Wren down in any way, I don’t trust myself not to tell her where to shove it. Not to open my mouth and have every secret I’ve ever held on to come spilling out all over the place.
“You okay?” Harvey asks, catching on to the fact that I’m very, very not okay.
I clear my throat, but all it does is hurt more. “It’s quite a blow,” I say. “I really thought he was fitting in here.”
That familiar guilt crashes down hard because I know it’s true. I know Wren was starting to like being here, starting to like getting to know his actual brothers, and because of me, he’s walking away from it all.
Father always told me that obligation comes first, and for him, that was the case. He did what he needed to. I can do the same.
I lock down my emotions tight. “Thank you for meeting me here.” Though, I’d have preferred if they’d waited in the damn lobby like I’d insisted, and I have no doubt Mom is the one to blame for rubbing Harvey in Wren’s face.
Not that she’s even aware of what she’s doing; she’s just pushy with no boundaries.
If it were up to me, those two never would have crossed paths.
I guess now they really won’t. “Are you ready to go?”
“Sure am.”
I cast my eyes toward Mom, not wanting her left in my office alone. The thing is, I know a lot of what she does, she does because she loves me, but between my pain over losing Wren and her attitude toward me, I don’t have the capacity to deal with her.
“I’ll go down and see Toby,” she says, walking out with us.
“Enjoy.”
We get to the elevator and ride it down, none of us speaking until Mom gets out at Tobias’s floor and she says, “Have fun,” as the doors close.
Harvey sags beside me. “I’m not trying to be a dick when I say this, but your mom scares me.”
“I’d be worried if she didn’t.”
“You’re really upset about your brother, huh?”
“It’s going to take some adjustment. I was already visualizing us working side by side, finally having someone I could rely on to take over a few of the things I didn’t have time for.”
“You weren’t exaggerating about working a lot.”
“That’ll be one of the first things you learn about me,” I say, elevator reaching the first floor and spitting us out into the lobby. “Work will always come first. I don’t have it in me to be romantic.”
He smiles. “Your accent is romantic enough. I’ll take over the grand gestures.”
“I’m allergic to grand gestures.”
Harvey’s eyebrows jump toward his hairline. “Okay, okay, I can roll with that. What do you like? Gifts?”
Moments .
I don’t even mean to think it, wish I wouldn’t focus on Wren, but when I think of him, I think of regular 2:00 a.m. calls just because he missed me.
Whole days out of the office because he thought I needed a change of pace.
Sharing his favorite movie with me just so we could connect.
My heart throbs, and I tell Harvey exactly none of that.
Those aren’t things you can plan.
“Just don’t complain to me about how much I work, and I’ll love you forever.”
His laugh is full of warmth. Everything about Harvey is. But I’m cold inside. Frozen to the core. Hoping that if I can hang on to the eternal numbness that it’ll make everything so much better.
We don’t talk much on the drive to the restaurant, but I prefer it like that.
“Here we are,” Harvey says as he pulls up to Six Seven. “I got us a table outside.”
“That sounds fantastic.” And makes me feel somehow even worse, knowing that the poor man is making an actual effort.
We’re led through the restaurant until we reach the area outside on the water. Our table has been set up slightly away from the others, in an area with an incredible view across the Puget Sound to the Olympic Mountains. They’re no Mount Rainier though.
“You’re really quiet,” Harvey comments as we take our seats. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“That happens when I’m supposed to be working.”
“I already promised not to nag about the work thing, and it’s cool, but you messaged me, remember? You wanted this date.”
“It’s not a date,” I say patiently. “It’s a … business meeting.”
He smirks. “Oh yeah?”
“Yes. A chance for us to get to know each other and determine whether we even like each other as people before we start discussing more complicated things.”
“I get what you’re saying, but does it matter?”
“What do you mean?”
Harvey shrugs. “I know my parents have made it clear that they don’t care if I like you or not. We’re getting married, and that’s that.”
“I’m sure that thrills you.”
For the first time, I note a flicker of frustration in his eyes.
“Obviously I hope we end up liking each other, but it’s not like it’s ever been a secret.
My parents have made it clear that I’ll be marrying someone with a lot of money and influence to expand ours.
No running off with the help love stories in my future.
And I’m okay with that, but I’m getting the feeling that you’re not. ”
Which is not a feeling I should be giving him, but now that I know what all the highs and lows of love feel like, contentment is really the best I can hope for here. He’ll never be Wren. No one will.
“For me, it was always émile. Our parents had all but married us off by the time we were teenagers. He’d come out as a preteen, and Mom turned to my brothers and me one day and said, ‘ The Cromwell boy is queer, so I’m letting you all know if there’s some kind of internal angst happening, you can put that aside and come out right now.
’ At first, I thought she was letting us know that she’d love us no matter what, but really, she just wanted a shipping heir in the family.
It took me a few years after that bitter taste of reality to finally come forward, and it all played out exactly the way I thought it would.
I made sure he wasn’t going to be at Oxford before I accepted a place there. ”
Harvey lets out a low whistle. “Oxford. Fancy. I’m a Cornell fellow. The parents wanted a Harvard or Yale brag tag, but I was rebellious.”
I could only imagine Wren’s face at hearing Harvey’s version of rebellion. “You sure showed them.”
“We have to take our wins where we can.”
“We do, which is why I’m going to be completely honest with you. When it comes to a relationship, there’s a high chance I will be emotionally unavailable.”
Harvey’s gaze drops to the empty wineglass in front of him as he thinks. “Okay. Is this an aromantic thing, or?—”
“This is an I’m married to my work thing. It will never change. I’d like to be friendly with my future husband and for us to get along well because I don’t spend much time at home, but when I do, it’s my safe space. I need that.”
“No offense, but this is starting to sound like a lonely marriage from my side of things.”
“I know. That’s why I want to be up-front. If and when the conversation suits, we can discuss the possibility of you finding attention outside of me, but that will be something that needs to be carefully planned. News of an affair is not something I want getting out.”
Harvey eyes me. “And you?”
“What about me?”
“Where would you be getting attention from?”
I manage to hold back a sigh. The truth is, if it’s not Wren, I don’t want it. The thought of another man’s hands on me makes me feel ill. “Likely nowhere.”
“You’re just going to be celibate for the rest of your life?”
“Who knows?”
He leans back in his chair, looking way too relaxed about this conversation. “Can I offer another perspective?”
“Sure.”
“Why don’t you just try? If we get along and end up getting married, maybe you could put in actual effort to be with me. Stop viewing it as a situation you have to go through with, and look for that silver lining.”
A small laugh falls from me. “I know it sounds simple when you say it like that, but …”
“It is simple, Darcy. I don’t know what you’re so up in your head about, but I’m actually a decent guy.
I’m not going to screw you over. This is just something I’ve got to do to make the parents happy—life of the elite, you know?
And thankfully, you’re not as old as the creepy dude they were trying to set me up with in New York.
From where I’m sitting, I’ve leveled up. ”
“I’m not so sure that’s the case, but I’m glad you think so.
And you do seem decent enough. I’m not saying I need an answer or a commitment right away; I just need you to know that a connection between us isn’t on the cards anytime soon.
I won’t rule it out—maybe one day, there’ll be something, but for me, this is simply dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. ”
“Shitty way of looking at it, but okay. Yeah. I get it. I mean, how hard can jerking off every day be?”
I smile. “And for when carpal tunnel sets in, there’s always NDAs.”
“Look at us compromising already.”
“We’re a real match,” I say jokingly while actually hating the words.
I don’t want to do any of this, but at the very, very least, I’ve been able to keep my integrity while selling off my heart. No one can say that Harvey didn’t know what he was getting into. No one can say that I was stringing him along.
I’m nothing if not honest with my partners. Wren included.
But the two of us ended up being completely unprepared for what it was we were actually promising.
I can only hope Harvey isn’t as stupid as we were.