Chapter 29
She couldn’t breathe.
There wasn’t enough oxygen in all the world for Isabel when she saw that woman in Sebastian’s arms. Her husband holding someone else. The two of them so close, so intimate, together in a way he would never let her.
“It cannot be.” That was what Sebastian would tell her.
I thought it was about protection. I thought it was because he was afraid or uncertain of the future, that he didn’t know how to love. Never in my life would I think there was someone else.
Isabel gasped for air, grasping her ribs. She didn’t understand what had happened. How she could have seen that happen. There had never been any sign.
But what if there was? What if there was a sign and I missed it? Was I so occupied mooning over him that I never realized he was looking elsewhere?
Into the hall she ran and found her brother. “Thomas!”
“Go to the next room.” Thomas’s sympathetic expression steadied for only a second. “I’ll be with you in a moment. I must make sure he won’t come after you and try to hurt you again.”
He knew. He knew and he cared enough to be there for her.
Hardly holding in a sob, Isabel darted into the next room. She thought she heard her name but prayed she didn’t. She didn’t want to think about herself or anything else ever again. There was a sharpness in her chest that was slicing her all the way through, cutting her to bits.
“I can’t… I can’t…” Isabel spoke to the empty room, struggling to breathe. She leaned over the nearest chair and spotted the green pillow. The color of his eyes. A noiseless scream ripped her mouth open as she threw it across the room, making a few books fall down across the wall.
Her legs weakened. Sliding to the ground, she buried her face in her hands. She didn’t want to see the world or anyone else ever again. While part of her mind told her to pull herself together, she didn’t want to do anything that it told her to do.
I don’t want to feel this. He never loved me. He never would. Didn’t I know this? If only my heart could have listened to a single word he said. Why didn’t I listen?
Isabel wondered if she was broken, if she was meant for an unhappy life.
Maybe she was meant to be miserable. Her only purpose in life could be to bring others peace, or satisfaction, or to be of some use to everyone but herself.
The Bible said something about women. She never liked to listen to the good book much, but it told her to be docile and calm and quiet.
Maybe if I was better like that, this wouldn’t hurt so much.
“What a fool I am,” she told herself tearfully. “What was I thinking? To think I could ever make him feel… I was a fool. A complete fool. Nothing was ever going to be the way I wanted it to be. How many times did he tell me? I never listened. I should have listened! I should have known.”
Shuddering breaths racked Isabel’s body as she let the emotions roll over her, unable to fight them off. She gave up looking for her handkerchief as the tears fell for a short time longer.
Then they stopped. The tears always stopped eventually, leaving her damp and tired. Leaning against the back of the sofa, Isabel managed to find the strength to start taking deep breaths so she might pull herself back together again.
It hurts. It hurts awfully, but I won’t let it control me. He doesn’t get to win. This was all a terrible, awful, embarrassing mistake. But surely, I will recover. I have done it before, and I can do it again. I must.
She was measuring her breaths, slowly beginning to stand, when the door creaked open. Isabel froze until she watched it was only Thomas making his way inside to her.
Halting before her, he offered a sympathetic expression that only brought her embarrassment. “Oh, Isabel. My poor sister.”
“Please don’t. I only… I only need to collect myself.”
“Of course. Let me.” He brought out a handkerchief with his initials on it, offering it to her. “I’m awfully sorry.”
She dabbed neatly at her eyes, careful not to rub them as a lady shouldn’t. “Did you see? Did you see them?”
“I’m afraid so.” Sighing heavily, Thomas leaned against the sofa beside her. His eyes rolled up to the ceiling and she appreciated the faux privacy while she gathered herself. “If I had known what he was up to, I would never have told you to go there. What an awful ordeal.”
“It’s not that awful. It isn’t as though we…
like he didn’t…” Isabel struggled to muster up a smile.
When his expression didn’t change, she decidedly moved across the room to ward the mirror to inspect herself.
They were still at a ball, and she couldn’t be caught as a mess.
“You warned me. Even he warned me. I shouldn’t have set my expectations any higher. ”
Thomas twisted away from her to roam the room. “You always did hold out hope. Do you remember those poor drowned kittens? You tried your best to revive for a day and night. Then you sneaked into the cemetery to give them proper burials. How old were you? Six?”
“Eight.” She sighed. “I nearly forgot about that. Now I can’t help but worry about Pearl.”
“Who?”
“The cat you brought me for Christmas.” Isabel looked at her reflection soberly, both sides of herself knowing how little hope she had of fixing her hair.
She decided to remove the strings of pearls and began displacing them to set in her skirt pockets.
“I won’t let her near water for certain. Oh, I’m a mess.”
Tsking, her brother started in her direction at last. “You’re as beautiful as ever. The crying makes your eyes look bigger. Did you know that? You’ll have all the ladies in tears trying to copy you.”
“And you’re trying to flatter me.”
“Should I not?”
His brow furrowed as he came to stand before her. Something about him seemed taller. Was he wearing heels? She glanced down but couldn’t be certain.
Setting that aside, she gave her brother a shake of her head. “I don’t want flattery. I never have, Thomas. I want honesty. I can have that with you, can’t I?”
Several blinks and then a nod. “Of course.”
“I mean it,” Isabel insisted, feeling his answer was too simple to be truthful. “Someone I can trust. That’s what I need right now. To say what is right no matter how it hurts me or what it could mean. Absolute honesty.”
“Very well. What can I do to prove myself to you?” he asked.
“I… I don’t know.” Her shoulders slumped. “Am I fool?”
He took the crumpled handkerchief from her before neatly removing a stray tear from her cheek she hadn’t even noticed. Inclined to throw her arms around him in gratitude, she settled for a wan smile instead. He had never been one for embraces even in their youth.
Thomas seemed to choose his words carefully as he took a minute to think.
“You have a very big heart, Isabel. You merely need to direct yourself on the right path. This wasn’t a marriage that started for any reason but to avoid a scandal.
A scandal that is now forgotten. Now, you can enjoy your life as you see fit. ”
Frowning, Isabel slowly shook her head. “What do you mean?”
“The marriage cannot be annulled, from what I understand, but you don’t have to stay with him,” he pointed out to her.
That wasn’t something that had really occurred to Isabel. Not of late, at least, not since they had married and immediately took off for Eastwynd. She bit her lip.
Her brother had a point. While her husband might be able to have command over her in a court of law, she couldn’t imagine he would care to stay with her now. And she certainly wouldn’t have it.
No, she wouldn’t allow that to happen. There wasn’t a chance in the world she was going to spend another night under the same roof as Sebastian after what she had just seen. Enough had happened. She knew the truth and she wanted to be as far away from him as possible.
“I… But where would I go?” Isabel whispered.
“The world is your toy now,” her brother reassured her brightly.
Perhaps it was. She could leave the house, leave London, even leave the kingdom should she see fit. What a strange notion that was. Isabel stepped backward, considering the room. Where might she go if she had the chance and the money?
“I… But it’s…” Isabel rarely felt overwhelmed. Something about tonight was making her feel like she’d been tossed upside down. Trying to calm her wildly beating heart, she gave a shake of her head and considered where she might go.
But do I wish to leave? What would I do anywhere else?
“We could go to India,” Thomas suggested. “Egypt, if you like. I heard Albania is beautiful. We can skirt the war, of course, and have ourselves some fun. I hear there is even beauty in Russia to be explored. Can you imagine?”
“I don’t want to go to Russia,” she said after a moment.
He shook his head. “Then we won’t go to Russia. There is so much of the world to explore! We can do anything we like anywhere in the world for as long as we like. The two of us together again.”
“Together again?” Isabel met his gaze, wondering what that was supposed to mean.
They had rarely enjoyed activities together in their youth.
Sometimes she felt he thought she was only a nuisance to ignore.
But maybe they could change everything now.
Besides, who else was she supposed to cling to after all that had just happened?
“Of course! I’m here for you, Isabel. I’m your brother, aren’t I?
Someday I’ll be an Earl,” he reminded her like that was still an option.
“I am going to do what I never did before. I’ll protect you and properly this time.
Please let me,” he added hastily, softly, when she opened her mouth to protest. “Let me do this for you. I owe you. I have failed you before and I cannot do that to you again. I won’t let you suffer. I want to protect you.”
Isabel listened to her brother’s fervent promise.
She didn’t know if she could believe everything just yet. There was still so much space between them that needed to heal first. But he was here when no one else was, and that mattered to her a great deal. This was what she needed right now. And he could be there for her.
Nodding, she gave him a teary smile. “Thank you, Thomas. I don’t know what I would be doing without you right now.”
“Don’t think such things, because it will never happen again,” he vowed. “We’ll take you home right away. Unless you wish to stay?”
Isabel didn’t think she could feel more hurt and humiliated. She wished she hadn’t felt so broken after seeing her husband with another woman. It hurt her pride and she wished to think of better things.
For now, that meant leaving.
“I want to go home, please,” she told Thomas in agreement.
“I’ll arrange it straight away,” he promised.
And so he did. The man kept his word as he left her for only a quarter of an hour before returning, guiding her out a side door and down a quiet hall before reaching the mews where her carriage was waiting.
No one asked after the duke. Isabel was grateful for that. She accepted her brother’s hand into the carriage and requested their ride back to the townhouse, trying to consider what life might be like now without Sebastian at her side.
It will be terribly painful. But it is for the best. I never wish to see him again.