Chapter 20
20
JONATHAN
T he sun is out for a change, as if aware of the holiday in its honor, and bright puddles of light spill across the path in front of us.
Mal and Ben race ahead, whooping. Alisha follows as fast as she can while holding Enrique’s hand, calling out for them to be careful.
Adam and I fall into step at a more leisurely pace. It’s a beautiful crisp day—everything fresh and clean from the recent rains. Birds hop from branch to branch overhead and the air smells like spring.
“Thank you for doing this,” I say, breaking the silence that’s settled between us.
“I may have had additional motives,” he says. My heart stutters and my surprise must show on my face because he chuckles. “Don’t look so shocked. It’s your anniversary— month-versery. You’ve been here a month.”
It can’t be. And yet, in some ways it seems like it’s been much longer. One month to do it your way. But you better not be wasting my time. That fight feels like a lifetime ago.
“I guess this is when I find out if I’ve passed probation?” I ask him.
He gives me a small, furtive smile. He opens his mouth to say something but there’s a huge thwack from up ahead. We both rush forward to see who’s hurt. Mal is laughing maniacally. There’s a big broken tree trunk across the path.
“What happened?” I ask, before Adam can do anything scary.
“Mal broke the tree!” Ben says.
“You’re such a baby!” Mal shoots back. To me, he says, “I didn’t break it, it was broken in the storm already.
“He swung from it!” Ben says.
“I didn’t!”
“Did too!”
“Okay, stop. Stop.” I hold up my hands. No one was hurt, that’s the important thing. “I think this means it’s time for worksheets.”
A symphony of groans greets that news.
I pull the worksheets I prepared out of my messenger bag. Fortunately, the foundation offices have a state-of-the-art copier that has really helped with lesson planning. Some of these worksheets are from the books that Zane sent, and some are my own creation.
“Now, you’re going to work in pairs,” I tell the children. Alisha has already lifted Enrique onto her hip, ready to help him with his exercises, but I have something else in mind.
“Alisha, I’ll take Enrique.”
“But—”
“And you’re with Adam.”
“I… are you sure?” he says as I pass him the sheet.
“You’re the plant expert last I checked.” I think he flushes a little beneath his beard. Wouldn’t that be something? “Mal and Ben, will you behave if I put you together?”
They agree a little too readily.
Alisha is still clinging to Enrique. “He won’t go with you.”
“I think he will.” I’m not nearly as certain as I sound, but he’s been warming to me. It’s worth a try.
She sets him down, reluctantly.
“Come on Enrique, I’ve got a new game for you. Alisha’s going to do a very boring worksheet with Adam. Don’t you want to play a game with me?”
His big eyes look between me and Adam. He clearly understands what I said. I’m not above a bit of bribery. I pull a fruit snack from my pocket. Adam laughs softly. But that does the trick. Enrique comes over. I open the packet for him and hand out the rest of the worksheets.
“Okay we’ll meet back here when you’re done. Don’t wander too far.”
I’m a little worried that Enrique will run after Alisha when she disappears through some trees with Adam, but he only looks up at me, waiting for the game.
I hunker down next to him. “Okay, here’s the game. I want you to please find me all of the leaves that have these shapes…”
Ben and Mal are the first to return. Mal is waving his sheet declaring that he finished first. Their worksheet was really a scavenger hunt with some words for them to write out.
I’m pleased to see that Ben traced his letters carefully and didn’t get any of the letters back to front this time and he lights up when I praise him. I suspect he’s slightly dyslexic and that’s why he’s so terrified of tests. I’ve noticed that the calmer he is, the more he’s able to focus. So, we’ve been working on it together. Mal’s worksheet was a little more challenging and I can see by his untidy scrawl that he rushed through it, but I don’t spot any mistakes. He’s a bright boy, though I doubt anyone has told him that before.
They’re both still full of energy, and they dash between the trees, chasing each other. Enrique runs after them, laughing and shrieking.
“Careful!” I call.
Adam and Alisha should be back by now. The forest is sprawling and tangled beyond the paths. Did they get lost?
“Mal! Slow down!” He races around a tree yelling that the other two won’t be able to catch him. “Mal!”
He skids to a halt and Ben slides right into him, slipping on the muddy ground. They giggle.
“Mal, please keep an eye on Ben and Enrique for a moment? I want to go check on Alisha.”
I feel like I’m telling him to watch his brothers and my heart hurts, knowing that’s not true. He blinks at me, as if surprised I’d give him the responsibility. I second guess myself as I walk away. There are so many ways for children to get hurt out here. But he is nearly a teenager and me hovering would do him few favors.
I find Alisha and Adam in a clearing not far away, kneeling in the dirt, shoulders close, peering at something between the tree roots.
“Now the way you know they’re poisonous,” Adam’s saying, “is that red color. It’s red like a warning sign. Other things to look out for include?—”
I clear my throat and they both sit up.
“I may have gone a wee bit off script,” he admits with a lopsided smile that goes straight to my core. The combo of that look and him playing up his Scottish heritage does something to me.
I settle on his other side. My knees sink into damp soil. These trousers will probably never be the same. “What are you looking at?”
“Just some fellas that’re great to have at parties,” Adam says.
I duck to look. There’s a cluster of red-capped mushrooms there. “Oh, are they hallucinogenic?”
He snorts. “They’re fun guys.”
I look back at him so fast my neck clicks. Alisha falls back giggling.
I just stare. “You… you made a dad joke.”
He nudges me and smiles. Smiles . A proper, full smile. My insides turn into a gooey mess. It may just be the best smile I’ve ever seen. The warmth shining in his eyes, the way they crinkle up, and there—I can just see it where his beard hair is thinnest— the dimple.
He laughs. “No need to look quite that horrified. There are worse puns where that came from, believe me.”
“I look forward to hearing them,” I say weakly.
Mal is swinging from a branch, high up a tree when we return. “Bet you can’t do this!”
“Can too!” Ben scrambles up the tree after him and my heart lodges in my throat. Mal hauls himself onto the branch and starts singing a taunting song.
“You’re not even that high up!” Alisha calls.
“You couldn’t climb this high!”
Alisha takes this as a challenge. She pulls off her trainers and strides towards the tree. She’s incredibly nimble as she pulls herself up onto a branch, then another, passing Ben and quickly gaining on Mal.
Enrique peers up at them and then attempts to follow, although his small hands struggle to gain enough purchase for him to clamber very high.
I step forward, opening my mouth to call them down. Adam places a steadying hand on my arm. I can feel the warmth of his hand through the fabric of my cardigan.
“You never climb a tree, Belle?” he asks in a low voice.
I practically lived in my treehouse when I was Mal’s age. “They seem so much smaller than I was.”
Adam laughs, deep and rumbly.
“I mean, one of those branches could break.” Like the one we passed. “Or they could slip. God, how did my father allow me to do this? By myself. Without supervision.”
“I think you need a distraction.” His hand’s still on my arm and he gently guides me over to the picnic basket.
“I asked Ray to pack us a little something extra,” he whispers. He reaches into the basket and draws out a bottle of wine and two plastic tumblers.
My heart skips. Wine? For us to drink? Together? “I’m sort of on the clock.”
He tsks. “I’ll grant special dispensation. You’ve just passed your probation after all.” He presses one of the tumblers into my hand.
“Oh, have I?” I let him fill it.
“And, May Day is also Workers Day. So it’s a holiday.”
I roll my eyes good-naturedly. I don’t point out that the Worker’s Day bank holiday doesn’t actually fall on the first. “All right. But just one glass.”
He smiles again and tilts his head in silent invitation. I follow him back to the fallen log. It’s close enough for us to keep an eye on the children, but far enough away that we can talk without them overhearing.
I feel like my insides are vibrating as he sits beside me.
“To warmer weather and workers’ rights,” he toasts. We knock our tumblers together. I sip the wine. It’s a crisp and fruity sauvignon blanc, spring incarnate. I close my eyes and hum in appreciation.
“A connoisseur, I see,” Adam says.
“Oh, not really. But my eldest brother, Eliot? He definitely is. Never had an eye for women. Or men, for that matter. But fine wine? He’d start a religion dedicated to it if he could. Or a cult. Although Joe’s the one who joined a cult.” I realize I’m babbling and bite my lip.
Adam only laughs again. “A cult?”
“Oh, don’t worry, he managed to get out. Only after they’d taken him for everything he was worth, though. He has a knack for getting into trouble. He’s currently working on some big NFT project. So, I suppose, second cult? You’d expect the first experience would have made him wiser, but no.”
“I thought you had two brothers and three sisters?”
I’m surprised he knows that. “I do.”
“Right. So Zane is…?”
Why is he asking about Zane?
I must hesitate a little too long because he quickly says, “Your emergency contact. Someone named Zane. And you received a parcel from him. That sounds creepy. Sorry. I happened to see that. You don’t have to answer. It’s none of my business.”
He’s so flustered. It’s almost as if he’s asking if Zane is… no. He can’t be asking if Zane’s my boyfriend?
“Just a friend. He’s just a friend.” I take a gulp of wine.
“Oh,” Adam says and I catch a smile, though he tries to hide it with his own sip.
My neck goes hot and I fight the urge to adjust my collar. I picked out a thematic Turner & Sanderson floral print for today. It’s a pattern of delicate blue and white flowers with bright birds and butterflies spaced between. It’s one of my favorites, but right now it feels too effeminate, too colorful… too everything. Especially when coupled with a baby blue cardigan. Because Adam is in ripped jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He’s rugged and manly and gorgeous.
I search for something to say, land on, “So, you like plants?”.
I cringe internally. I’ve never been good at small talk… or whatever this is.
“Strange, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
He cranes his neck to look up at the canopy. “I told you about the street fighting. You can make a lot of dough betting on yourself if you’re good. And I was good. A natural. Guy from the promotion was there one night, liked my showmanship.” He looks back at me. “That’s the official story anyway.”
“The Beast’s backstory?”
He inclines his head.
“And what about Adam’s?”
He smiles again, small and wistful. “Before that, before I threw that first punch, I worked at a garden center. Fucking loved it. Didn’t pay much of course, but it was quiet and pretty.” He cuts his gaze to me. “You can laugh. Anyone would.”
“I don’t see anything funny about liking the quiet, or the beauty of nature. I mean, isn’t that why we’re out here now?”
“I suppose it is,” he says, gazing up at the children. Ben and Mal are on the same branch now and Alisha is hanging upside down from a branch above them, dark hair falling out of its braid as she pulls faces at them and Enrique giggles below.
“I think that’s partly why Lloyd chose this place,” Adam says softly. “It was his retreat, like Beethoven’s. But I know part of it was for me too. He’s the only other person I’ve told that story.”
Something inside me twists hard with the revelation and the underlying grief. Before I can respond, Adam looks back at me. “Sorry. I’ve been told I talk about him too much.”
“You should be able to talk about him as much as you like. There’s no deadline for grief.”
He cocks his head, “It sounds like you’re talking from experience.”
I look into my tumbler. “My mother died when I was eight. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”
“I’m sorry. What happened?”
I don’t like to talk about it, but given how much he’s shown me of himself today, it seems only fair. “She was driving home from taking me to school and someone skipped a red light.”
“That’s… I don’t know what to say.”
“My father still mourns her, to this day.” If he’d come here instead of me, I’m sure he would have had a lot of insight to share with Adam.
“And what about you?”
I shrug. “I’m fine. It hit my siblings harder. They were older.”
“Older? Surely you still needed her the most?”
“Oh, well,” It’s difficult to explain our dynamic to an outsider. “My father did his best to make sure it didn’t affect us too much. In ways I only really appreciate now. He worked multiple jobs at first so we could keep our house rather than downsizing. He’d teach, then tutor in the evenings, while also marking and invigilating when he could, and publishing academic papers… anything to make sure we were cared for. Yet, somehow, he still remained involved. He was always there for us, for me especially. I don’t think he got much sleep those first few years.” I stop speaking, suddenly aware of how much I’ve said. “Sorry, we were talking about Lloyd.”
A breeze whispers across the leaves overhead. I look up to find Adam staring. He searches my gaze. I’m not sure what he’s looking for. Eventually he says, “I reckon he would have liked you.”
His fingers brush my shirt collar. The gesture is intimate enough to make my stomach leap. He traces his finger along the collar. Admiring the pattern? Then it strays up to my neck. My pulse races beneath his fingertip. My gaze strays to his lips. The space between us (which I’m certain has shrunk) feels charged.
But is he seeing me, or is he seeing Lloyd?
My hunger for his touch wars with my certainty that any move on my part now would just be taking advantage of his vulnerability and grief. Plus, the children are right there. They aren’t paying attention to us, but they could look at any moment and see… what? I part my lips to speak, but realize I don’t know what to say. His gaze falls to my mouth. My heart trips.
“Jonathan!” Ben calls. “Look at what I can do!”
I jerk away from Adam and look to Ben. He flips back and for a terrible second I think he’s flung himself from the branch, but his legs are locked around it and he hangs upside down, laughing, face pink, mimicking Alisha.
“Careful!” I shout, scrambling to my feet, ready to catch him if his legs fail.
He rights himself, looking pleased as can be.
“All right, very impressive. Time for lunch. Come down please.”
I set out the picnic blankets while Adam dishes out the food. Adam engages Alisha in more conversation about plants and she pays rapt attention. And Enrique isn’t hanging onto her. He’s playing with the other boys and eating fistfuls of crisps.
My veins are full of adrenaline, my heart pounding wildly. Due to the fright Ben gave me, or because of Adam? Probably both.
As we settle down to eat. I keep a decent distance from Adam, even though everything in me is yearning to sit close, to touch him again. I watch the way he leans back on his elbows, talking easily to Alisha, the way his muscles move beneath his shirt, how the sunlight dapples his rusty hair, the flashes of his smile. This is fine. These thoughts are fine as long as no one ever knows. Just like the incident with the snuggling. As long as no one knows but me, it can’t do any harm.
Later, we build a fort out of wood and twigs, and Mal and Adam try to attack it while the rest of us defend. Adam plays the role of the beast, of course, and Mal the dark knight who’s its master. Alisha is the good wizard, casting spells (rotten pinecones) in Adam’s direction, while Enrique squeals in delight.
I let myself imagine for the briefest moment that this is my life and not just a temporary assignment. That these are my children and Adam… that he’s mine too.
The gut-wrenching desire that seizes me then is nearly too much to bear, but I know in a few months, they’ll go back into the system and I’ll go home. In a few months, we’ll be strangers once more. I need to be the strong one. But it’s so difficult to hold onto that knowledge now, with Adam on all fours, roaring, while Ben and Mal engage in an epic sword fight with sticks. While the sweet spring air rings with peals of laughter.