23. Elle
elle
. . .
M y life has become one of those you see in the movies when a woman is single with no hope of love blossoming soon. Only, I created my situation by not opening my eyes to what was right in front of me, and now he’s gone and is taken by another.
I stand at his door, my arm poised to knock. After my session with the therapist, where I relived the night that has been plaguing me for weeks, I came to the realization that I’m a spoiled brat who needs a timeout. I’ve been treating Ben like he doesn’t matter to me when he matters the most, and I shouldn’t have come onto him the night of his birthday. But, I did, and now here I am, trying to make amends. I figure I can be the best friend, who is around to hang out and be there to nurse his broken heart when he and Talia break up.
After learning the truth about the night Ben and I were together, my heart broke even more than it has been. My actions were deplorable. The rejection he must’ve felt couldn’t have been easy on him. I can’t go back and change the morning after, but I can make things different moving forward.
I’ve tried calling him, but he refuses to answer. This is a hint that I’m clearly being ignored. If he wants to dissolve our friendship, so be it, but it’s not going to happen until I’ve had a chance to tell him how sorry I am. Not because we slept together, but by the way I acted. He deserves better.
My fist comes down hard on his door, pounding three times in succession. It swings open, the wind causing Talia’s hair to blow. She’s perfect, and I hate her, and I don’t even know her. I smile, it’s forced, but it’s all I have right now. “Hi, I’m Elle,” I say, grabbing her hand. I leave her no choice but to shake mine.
“Hello.”
Ugh! Even her voice is soft and sweet. Why can’t Ben date someone ugly with warts and finagled teeth? Because Ben’s hot. I also came to this conclusion last night as I was lying in bed, trying to remember our night together. My therapist says now that I’ve unlocked the memories, they’ll start flooding back, likely at an importune time. You know, like when I’m in class and suddenly start reminiscing about him going… now is not the time.
“Talia, right? I’m Ben’s best friend, and I thought we could hang out.”
She turns her head slightly. “My name isn’t Talia.”
“Oh,” I say. “Am I saying your name wrong?” I swear Ben said this was her name. I mean it’s been a while since he told me about her, but I’m usually good with names.
“No, well yes. My name’s June. Not Talia.”
Now I’m the one saying, “Oh.” Now, I’m the one who’s confused. Why would Ben tell me her name is Talia when it isn’t? None of this makes any sense. “Is Ben home?” I try to look over her shoulder, but she moves so I can’t see into the apartment. In fact, she’s blocking me from entering.
Talia, also known as June, shakes her head rather slowly. The door starts to close, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why. “Ben’s in New York.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I thought you said you’re his best friend?”
“I am… we had a falling out, and I’ve been trying to give him space because you’re dating.”
This time she laughs. “Ben and I aren’t dating.”
“You’re not?”
“No, I’m subletting from him.”
As her words sink in, I try not to cry. Ben moved and didn’t tell me. Am I that big of a bitch that he’d keep something like this from me. “Oh, right. I’m sorry to bother you.” I rush back to the apartment I share with Quinn, slam the door and run to my room where I collapse onto my bed. Tears that have been building for weeks finally come to fruition and pour out of me like a faucet. He left me because I’m selfish, evil, and have made the most deplorable mistake ever.
My door opens, and the smell of Quinn’s cologne fills my room. “What the hell is going on?” he asks, sitting down on the edge of my bed. I look at him with my tear-streaked face. His face falls and pulls me into his arms. “Talk to me, Elle.”
“I messed up so bad, Quinn. You were right, I need help, but it’s too late because Ben’s gone.”
“What do you mean, Ben’s gone?”
“He moved to New York,” I say through ragged breaths. “He lied about the girl living in his apartment. He told me her name is Talia and it’s not, her name’s June, and he’s moved. He didn’t even say goodbye.” I cry louder, and Quinn’s grip on me becomes firm. He rocks me back and forth, telling me everything will be okay. But he doesn’t know that. No one does. I screwed up and lost the one person outside my family I could count on.
“There’s more. I slept with him and acted like I didn’t remember.” My crying sounds like a wailing child who doesn’t get what they want. Typical, Elle.
“Why did you lie to Ben?”
I sit up and wipe away the tears and snot. “I didn’t, not at first. I honestly didn’t remember. I had so much to drink at his birthday party, and when I woke up, I was confused. My therapist says my mind blocked it out, out of fear of losing Ben, but I lost him anyway because he’s gone. What am I going to do, Quinn?”
It’s an open-ended question. I know this. His answer could be anything sarcastic, like stop partying, drinking and doing who knows what else. The thing is, I have stopped, and I don’t know if Quinn has noticed. However, I stopped too late, and now Ben’s left me for good.
“I can’t believe he’s dropped out of school.”
“I know, right? That’s so unlike Ben.” And it’s unlike me to sleep around, but I did that, and now I’m paying the price.
Quinn shakes his head. “I don’t know what you’re going to do, but wallowing isn’t going to help. Get dressed. You’re coming with me.”
I look down at my clothes and back to him. “I am dressed.”
“No, get, like, going out dressed. I have a gig, but I want you to hear the opening act.”
My eyes go wide. I’m in no shape or form to go out. Not to mention, he told me he’d never hire me so why would he encourage me to listen to another band. “Quinn…”
He stands and holds my hands. “Listen to me. I know I said some mean stuff, but I’ve seen changes in you. Big changes and so have Mom and Dad. Come with me tonight and listen to some music. It will take your mind off things. Plus, it might inspire you and remind you of what you want to do.”
“The only thing I’m inspired to do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.”
“Which is code for texting and calling Ben until he answers, right?”
Oh, look, fuzzball. I pick at my comforter, refusing to answer Quinn. I hadn’t thought about either of those things because I don’t know what I’d say. Calling him earlier wasn’t because I wanted to talk… well, it was, but it was to see if he was home, and I wanted to hear his voice because I miss him.
Does Ben miss me? I like to think so, but after learning what I have done, I don’t know if I’d miss me if I were him. He’s smart to ignore me, move away and do whatever else he’s doing.
“What if Ben has a girlfriend in New York?” I ask Quinn out of the blue.
“Random,” he says. “And what if he does?”
I shrug.
“Are you saying you like Ben?”
I shrug and feel my cheeks heat up. I shouldn’t be embarrassed for liking someone, but it’s Ben, and Ben is different. Ben is… well, he’s my Ben and always has been. For years, we were accused of dating on the sly, but we never did, and now I’m asking myself why not. What held me back? He has everything I’m looking for if I were looking. Ben’s sweet, caring, and family oriented. My parents and siblings love him. His brother doesn’t care for me, but whatever. Ben’s ambitious and supportive. He’s hot, sexy and his smile used to make me weak in the knees. After so many years, I’ve become immune to his charms, but I don’t want to be anymore. I want to be the woman he smiles at and who has to hold onto him so she doesn’t trip. I want my best friend back, but I want so much more with him.
“Elle?”
“What?” I say sharply.
Quinn shakes his head but can’t hide his smile. “Get dressed, Elle. If you come with me tonight, I’ll try to help you out with Ben.”
“Really?” I ask, hopping off my bed. “Are you serious, Quinn?”
“Serious, now get ready. I have to leave in ten minutes.”
I scream. “Ten minutes!”
“I warned you,” he says from down the hallway.
By the time I find something to wear, fix my makeup and put my hair up, it’s almost twenty minutes. Thankfully, Quinn didn’t leave me behind, not that he would, but he did give me a rash of crap for making him late. I promised to make it up to him later, although I don’t know what I’ll do.
In the car, I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. “Thank you, Quinn.” He pats me on the leg. “I mean it. You’ve put up with a lot over the years, especially from me and more so lately. You could’ve ditched out on me, but you didn’t.”
“And you could’ve been horrible to me when our parents got together, but you weren’t. You and Peyton gave me a family and allowed your mom to become mine. You have no idea how much of an impact having a mom has had on my life.”
I pull my brother into a hug and try not to cry. While our dad is amazing, knowing his biological mom didn’t want him, has been hard on him, even if he denies it. Our mom though, she stepped up and adopted Quinn.
He finally puts the car in drive and heads toward the club where he’s performing. “Do you remember adoption day?” I ask.
“Badoption,” he corrects me. We were so young we had no idea what the process was called. All we knew is we wanted our parents to be our parents. “Not so much the actual day, but the day I asked Mom if she’d be my mom forever. I was so nervous, afraid she would say no.”
“Peyton and I felt the same way. We were scared that if Dad became our dad, we’d erase our father, but Dad was so adamant that Mason would always be a part of our lives.”
“We have great parents, Elle.”
“We do, don’t we, Quinn.”
For a few minutes, we ride in silence. I haven’t asked him about the band he wants me to check out, but I’m excited he’s thinking about my future. I’d love to sign someone before I finish school. Doing so means I have to start out on my own, and while I know I can do it and have some connections, I think I want to start at the bottom and work my way to the top with a firm, where I can expand my network and really excel. However, there’s one more thing I want more.
“I want a love affair like our parents have.”
“You mean have three kids and never get married?”
I laugh. He’s right. For some reason our parents won’t get married, which doesn’t matter anymore because they’re considered common law, but still. Both have been very adamant a piece of paper won’t change anything between them, so why get it. “No,” I say. “I want the kind of love where either of us walks into the room, and no one else exists. Noah and Peyton have it. I want it.”
“And when you walk into the room, who do you see standing there, waiting for you?”
“Ben,” I say. “It’s always been Ben. It's just taken me years to figure it all out.”