5. Peyton
peyton
. . .
T he flowers I picked up at the local market smell amazing. Across the way, there’s a funeral going on. I wish I could remember the day we buried my father. Was it raining? Did we sing? Did my mom cry? In my mind, I think I know what went on, but I can’t be certain. I do know that Liam sat next to me and held my hand. He became the man I could count on until my dad took over that role. Still, with Liam poised to be my father-in-law, I couldn’t have asked for a better man.
I clear away grass clippings from my father’s tombstone. My fingers instantly go back to his name, tracing the letters. The memories I have of him from when I was little, have all faded. It’s the memories from a few years ago that haunt me. I see my father when I sleep. He invades my dreams. He’s there when I’m staring out a window lost in thought or sitting in the oversized chair that I love so much. Whenever I find myself daydreaming, he’s there.
Thankfully, I can say he’s not floating in and out of my walls or trying to scare me at night. Still, I can’t explain what he is, a ghost, spirit, a figment conjured up in my mind. He’s just there. I can feel him, see him sitting on the couch. Sometimes I sense him when Noah’s home, when we’re together watching television. I can hear his laughter.
Telling Noah would be the smart thing to do but finding the words to admit that you’re seeing things is really hard. My therapist suggested I go to hypnotherapy, and I’ve even considered a medium. Neither sound like a pleasant option if I’m honest. I’m not positive that I want to reach my father because I’m afraid he’ll ask me to join him on the other side or tell me not to marry Noah, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to tell him no.
After I have the bouquet arranged in the cemetery provided vase, I sit and rest my back against the slab of granite. Elle and I had this placed years ago, replacing the existing marker. The original held a space for our mom, but neither of us would bring her here to be buried with our father. She belongs, when the time comes, with our dad and wherever they end up.
“There are times when I wish you were here, although I don’t know how our lives would be. Mom, Elle, and I love Harrison, and can’t imagine him not being a part of our lives. I’m grateful for him because he stepped in when he didn’t have to. He was there when I needed someone and has always looked at me like a daughter. Then I think you would’ve done the same thing in the same situation, but it’s hard to picture you there, because I can only remember Harrison being there. Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed as your daughter. Grandpa says I haven’t, that only a heart truly remembers a love and that eyes forget.
“And that’s what I’m trying to do now, Dad. Forget. I want to forget the accident, the surgeries, the pain I was in. I don’t want to flinch when Noah touches me or wonder if I’m going to sit down and find you next to me. I don’t know, maybe my therapist is right, and I need to see someone who can help me explore my memories because I think you’re stuck on this side and can’t get back. Have you been here this whole time?”
Of course, there’s no one to answer me. Right now, would be an ideal time for my dad to appear, take form in another person and come over here, but no, I’m here alone, aside from the funeral taking place right now. I don’t want to stare, but I’m curious. Beaumont is a small town, everyone knows everyone, yet somehow, I don’t know who has passed away. Last year, when Elle and I lost a classmate, our phones were ringing off the hook. His death rocked our little community, and while we couldn’t make it to his service, Josie represented our families. I never asked her about the service or even checked in with her. Maybe that’s why I haven’t heard about this one going on today, she probably thinks I don’t care.
I do. I care deeply.
Thoughts of Josie spur me to take my phone out. I flip through the pictures I took yesterday of the arrangements she made for me. Every one of them had Paige oohing and awing, proclaiming it was her favorite until her mom brought out another one. I have my favorite though.
There’s no denying that I want a winter wedding. I’ve imagined the red and white roses from the day Noah asked me to marry him. His parents were married after Christmas, and mine, well they made us a family on the same night, professing their love for each other. I want to honor them both. Doing so, means taking criticism from the people we surround ourselves with on a daily basis, and I don’t know if I can do that to Noah.
The last bouquet sealed my desire to marry Noah in December though. The soft pinks, whites and dark reds mixed together created something I had never dreamed of. The spirea, peonies, Japanese lisianthus, scabiosa, sweet peas, roses, anemones, hellebores, and olive and bay branches cascading down brought a tear to my eye. Josie knew too, she nodded and said this is the one. It was. It is. It’s what I want. I held it in front of me and looked into the mirror. Paige and Josie stood on either side.
“Just imagine your mom and sister here, dressed in cream and red. Noah and his party, dressed in gray suits.”
I turn and look at her. “Did Noah tell you this?”
She shakes her head.
How did she know that’s what I wanted? Noah and I barely discussed what he could potentially wear, and yet his mother had the same vision.
I wipe away a fallen tear, wondering if it’s from happiness or the unsurmountable anxiety I feel by sitting here. The committal service is over, the family and friends of whoever lies in the coffin leaving them there for a caretaker to put into the ground. How morbid, I think. And how lonely the person inside the coffin must feel.
Turning my attention back to my dad, I brush my fingers over his name once again. “I think, had I not been in the accident, I wouldn’t have to ask you this question, but I need to know if you can leave me alone. I’m trying to build a life with Noah and he worries about me. I think he’s afraid I’m going to do something to hurt myself so I can go back to where I was with you, and I don’t want him to stress. I love him and want to be with him. I love you too, but I need for you to let me be, let me move on. I love you, Daddy.” I kiss my hand and place it on top of the tombstone before walking away.
I’m almost to my car when my phone rings. I expect it to be Noah, but the number is unfamiliar. “Hello?”
“Peyton James?”
“Yes, who’s calling?”
“This is Leo Bowen from the Rams. Have I caught you at a bad time?”
“Uh, no. What can I do for you?”
“We’d like to invite you out to our offices in Los Angeles. We know you have offers from ESPN, Fox, and the NFL Network, and believe you haven’t accepted a job as of yet, is this correct?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Perfect. We’re interested in you.”
“To do what exactly?”
“Player analysis. We like the way you break down the game, point out the weaknesses, the abilities and pinpoint where the players and coaching staff need to make adjustments.”
My mind goes crazy at the thought of working in player development. It wasn’t a path I thought I wanted to pursue, not until I helped Noah fix the issue with his feet. I clear my throat. “Are you offering me a job?”
“We are, if you’re interested.”
“I… I don’t know. I think I am but would need some time.” Time for what, Peyton? Aside from discussing this with Noah, who will tell me to do what I want, what will time do?
“Are you interested in at least coming out here, seeing the facilities and meeting the staff?”
“I am,” I tell him with a smile on my face. “Very much so.”
“That’s great. I’m going to put you on with my secretary to help make the arrangements.” Ten minutes later I’m speeding home to tell Noah. When I get back to the Westbury’s, I run into the house, yelling his name.
Noah comes running around the corner and reaches for my arms. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
I shake my head and smile. “I was offered a job.” I hold up my phone as if he can hear the conversation I had earlier.
“Like three of them,” he points out, but I’m shaking my head so fast it’s starting to hurt.
“No,” I wheeze, almost out of breath. “The Rams just called and offered me a job in player development, doing game and player breakdowns.”
Noah’s eyes go wide. He picks me up and spins me around. Just like he did with the other job offers. Once I’m back on my feet, he kisses me deeply. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I haven’t done anything yet,” I remind him. “They want me to come to LA.”
“Go!”
I laugh. “I am, tomorrow.”
His face falls, but the smile remains. I’m interrupting the rest of our week together and next week he’ll be with my dad and brother, which means I won’t see him for days. “I can reschedule.”
“Absolutely not. You’ll go and knock their socks off. Wow, babe. I’m so happy for you.” We kiss until we hear his dad clearing his throat. I retell my story and Liam suggests we go out to dinner to celebrate.
At the restaurant, we’re out in the open. This doesn’t happen for us in Portland or even Los Angeles, but here in Beaumont, no one cares that Liam Page is stuffing his face with a giant burger or that Noah Westbury can’t take his eyes off me.
Betty Paige recounts her day in school, telling us that there’s a new girl in town and she already has eyes for Mack.
“You should let him date her,” Liam says, which causes Paige to cry. Her and Mack are star-crossed lovers, the Romeo and Juliet of town. Their fathers’ history plays a huge role in their love life, not that they should have one at this age, but it does. Liam refuses to let her date at all, let alone date Nick’s son.
“Daddy, how can you say such a thing?”
“You’re not old enough to date, Paige. That’s how.”
“But I love him.” She throws her hands up in the air and collapses into her mother, who tries to console her. At this age, I kept my crush a secret. Probably for the same reasons. No one would ever let Noah and I date, not with five years between us.
“Paige,” I say her name to get her attention. “Trust me when I say this, love will wait.” Noah squeezes my hand under the table.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because it waited for me.”
Noah leans over and whispers, “I’d wait forever if you needed me to.”
I duck my head and smile. I won’t need him to wait. Once this job interview is done, I’m going to pick a date and marry the man of my dreams. I look back at Paige. “And I wanted to ask if you’d do me the honor of being one of my bridesmaids?”
She stands and comes rushing over, wrapping her arms around me. “Yes, yes, yes! Thank you so much, Peyton.”
“You’re welcome, sweetie, and thank you.”
One decision down, many to go. I’m not sure if I can plan a wedding in six months, but I’m going to try.