20. Jamie
jamie
. . .
W hat the fuck am I doing? Why can’t I ever say “no” to this guy? Why is it that when he touches me, my whole body ignites in flames? My skin aches for his touch even though the burns he left behind years ago haven’t healed. How stupid can I be? How much more of this traitorous behavior will I be able to withstand before I finally force myself to stay away from him.
The problem is, I don’t have an answer. He called this morning and I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough to go see him. The rational side of me knows I shouldn’t feel this way. I should want to see Logan. I should’ve called him and asked him to come back down after he had to make an emergency trip back to base last night. He should be my priority, but even he knows our relationship isn’t going anywhere, and I hate that. I hate that both of us became so comfortable that we stopped trying somewhere along the way and instead developed an amazing friendship with partial benefits. Yesterday, when he left, we didn’t reach for each other, we didn’t declare our love for one another. We said “goodbye” at the door and I immediately went to check my phone to see if the guy next to me had called or texted. He hadn’t. But I wanted him to. I wanted to tell him about running into Evelyn’s father and how much I hate him. How everything that he did to me was nothing compared to what her father did. How the man who gave me my daughter is the worst kind of man to walk the earth.
I should’ve said all of this to Logan, but I didn’t. Instead, I want to tell Ajay. But then again, I don’t. I want to keep him shut out of my life. I want him to leave, to never come back. And yet I want him to love me like he used to and fall in love with Evelyn, too. I want him to choose love, a life with me and my daughter, and at the same time I want him to disappear from my life all together.
I have so many fucked up thoughts that while I’m looking at him, as we’re stopped at this four-way intersection with his friends in the backseat, all I want to do is climb over the console and feel him deep inside of me. I want to feel the same way I used to when he’d make love to me, to know what it’s like again to be so consumed with love that merely being near him isn’t enough. Because I need more… I yearn for more. He wouldn’t say “no”. He might tell me to wait until we get to the beach though, and I would. I’d wait because loving him was the best part of my life until he left, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for that.
A car honks but I’m too busy looking at Ajay to know which direction it’s coming from, and I don’t care to find out because the only thing that matters right now is watching him. He tears his eyes away and pulls forward. The moment is gone but not likely forgotten, at least not by me.
I shouldn’t be here. I should’ve never answered the phone this morning, and when I dropped Evelyn off at my parents, I should’ve heeded my father’s words over my mother’s. They’re like night and day when it comes to Ajay. My dad is adamant that I stay as far away as possible while my mother is pushing me toward him. She believes in the notion that everyone has one true love and knows that Ajay is mine. There was a time in my life when I believed the same. Last week, I would’ve said he wasn’t. This week, I’m not so sure.
Ajay pulls into the first open parking spot that we come to. The four of us slide out of the Wrangler and walk to the back. The guys try to carry everything, but Nola and I take the bags, blankets, and the umbrellas from them. Ajay leads the way. He loves this beach, always has. This was our go to spot when we were growing up. We had many picnics, dates, make out sessions and even sex here. I want to be mad that he brought his friends here, a place that was special to us, but I’m not because some of our best moments were spent here and that makes me smile. Ajay is trying to make me happy.
While Quinn sets up the umbrellas, Nola and I lay out the blankets and Ajay digs in the sand.
“What are you doing?” I ask him.
“Fire pit,” he says without looking up. I stand there watching him for a moment until he glances up. “Are you working tonight?”
“I don’t know,” I say, stupidly.
Ajay motions for me to come to him and I do. Damn traitorous body of mine . Once I’m close, his palm is instantly touching my bare hip and once again, I find myself on fire and ready to rip my clothes off for him.
“Let’s just see how things go today, okay?” he asks, his voice incredibly sweet and caring. This is the only Ajay that I know. The one that told me a divorce would be best was not the man I fell in love with.
“I mean, I do have to work but…” I stumble over my words, hating myself. I want to be strong, to show him that he has no effect on me, to show him that I’m immune to his charms, but I’m failing miserably. God, how do I love him and hate him at the same time?
Ajay drops the shovel and places his other hand on my hip, pulling me closer, turning me slightly so that his back is facing his friends. “If you’re uncomfortable, don’t make excuses, just tell me and I’ll take you back. Don’t worry about Quinn and Nola, they’re just along for the ride. And don’t worry about me, Whiskey. My motives are clear… I want to spend time with you, but I know we’re not on the same page and I’m okay with that. I just need you to be honest with me and tell me when you’ve had enough of me, okay?”
There will never be a time when I’ve had enough . I smile and nod, knowing I should step away, but I can’t muster the strength to do so. “Thanks, Ajay. I appreciate it.”
He’s the one to step back first. Feeling awkward just standing there, I go back to help Nola, who’s setting up a foldable table, chairs, and a radio.
“Do you do this a lot?” I ask her.
She stops and looks around, a big smile on her face. “No, but I’m used to having a house on the beach, so everything is always readily available.”
I swallow hard at what she just said. “You live on the beach?”
Her eyes go wide. “Oh gosh, no! Quinn’s parents live on the beach and when he’s not on tour or in the recording studio, we spend a lot of time there. He’s been teaching me how to surf. We do have a condo that overlooks the beach ourselves,” she says shyly.
“It’s fine,” I tell her. “I’m sure he’s worked hard for it.”
Nola grabs my hand and drags me back to the parking lot. Trudging through hot sand isn’t my favorite thing to do but I follow her anyway.
“You’re sort of forceful,” I say to her as we reach the Wrangler.
“It comes with the territory. I had to learn to stick up for myself, especially where Quinn’s sisters are concerned, not to mention the fans.”
“My best friend is a fan, so I get it.”
“Anyway, I wanted to tell you that Ajay works hard, too. The band is making waves and their popularity is growing.”
“I know.”
“Ajay lives with us,” she says. “You’re more than welcome to come visit anytime. Malibu is breathtaking.”
“I’ve never left this area, other than a trip to Nashville and that didn’t turn out so well.”
“I was the same way until I went to college in Idaho. After I graduated, I took a road trip to Cali, met Quinn, lost Quinn because I was stupid, and then came home with a broken heart.”
“It doesn’t look broken now.”
She looks out to where the guys are. I follow suit and see that they’re standing together, shirtless. Both are tan and perfectly fit with toned muscles and those mouthwatering hip lines that I know for a fact Ajay didn’t have when we were growing up. Granted, he was eighteen the last time I saw him and still a boy. Now he’s a man, a smoking hot, gorgeous man who’s making my mouth water. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m still in love with him or all of the tattoos, but I sure can picture myself memorizing each and every one of them.
“I stare at Quinn like you do at Ajay,” Nola says, breaking my concentration.
“I was looking at the ocean.”
“Yeah, okay,” she says, calling my bluff. “I get it, believe me. Try being around Quinn’s dad, Liam, JD, Ben, and Noah. There isn’t a lack of eye candy in that group, that’s for sure. And don’t get me started on the wives and Quinn’s sisters. Everyone in their circle is gorgeous and perfect.”
Lovely .
“Who’s Ben?” I ask, changing the subject.
“Elle’s fiancé. He does all the band’s promo and advertising.”
For some reason it’s a huge relief to know Elle has someone. “I thought she was Ajay’s girlfriend.”
Nola shuts the back of the Wrangler and adjusts the bag in her hand. “They’re like siblings. Quinn’s parents have sort of adopted Ajay.”
I remember him telling me about his first real Christmas with them and while I was happy he had that, knowing it had never happened before broke my heart. Thinking about his parents infuriates me.
“You’ll probably be overwhelmed when you meet everyone, but it’s one huge family.”
“Who says I’m meeting everyone?”
Nola chuckles. “I said the same thing when I started dating Quinn.” We walk a little way until she stops. “Why does Ajay call you Whiskey?”
“My name is actually Jameson. Everyone but Ajay calls me Jamie.”
“It’s a cool nickname.”
“It’s not a nickname though. It’s just his name for me and I’d probably punch anyone else if they ever tried to use it. It’s only his.”
“That’s really sweet. I’m really Eleanora, but when I moved to Los Angeles, I called myself Nola. It stuck, unless you’re with my parents and then everything is prim and proper,” she rambles on until we get back to the guys. Ajay meets us half way and takes the bag from my hands. I wish I could say the band changed him for the worse, but ever since I’ve known him, he’s never let me carry anything if his hands were empty.
Our little space on the beach turns out to be pretty cool. We have enough shade to keep us from burning, a cooler stocked with water, soda, and beer. There’s music playing and when a Sinful Distraction song comes on, I find myself singing right along with Nola.
“Whiskey, you surprise me,” Ajay says from behind me. As if on cue, my body betrays me and all I want is for him to touch me even though I know it’s wrong.
“Why’s that?” I ask through the lump in my throat.
“Because from the way you acted last week, I would’ve thought you never heard of my band or didn’t know it was my group.”
I adjust slightly so I can look at him. He’s so fucking hot with his tanned skin and small pebbles of sweat on his chest. “I blame Dhara, she tells me everything. At first, I resisted…”
“And now, Whiskey? Are you going to resist?”
For the love of all things holy, please tell me he’s talking about music .
“Ballard, I rented us some surf boards, let’s go.” Our moment is interrupted by Quinn. I want to scream at him for his imperfect timing and thank him all the same because I need a drink . . . preferably something cold. Of course, watching him walk away with a board under his arm isn’t exactly helping my situation.