26. Jamie
jamie
. . .
I t’s been a month since Ajay left. I thought he was bullshitting me when he said he wasn’t coming back, but he wasn’t. My father says I got played. I don’t believe that. I know Ajay’s busy and this is part of his life, one that I have to accept if I’m going to be in it. And in it is exactly what I want to be. But that means seeing him, and he refuses to commit to a date. Maybe this week or next, maybe on such and such date, he’s not sure. He has to ask Elle. Elle this. Elle that. I’m starting to think that Elle tells him when he’s allowed to take a piss. I know that’s not the case but that’s how things feel right now.
We are under the sixty-day mark for the finalization of our divorce. Sadly, my father has a countdown on his phone, and he reminds me of it daily. He means well, I know he does, but he has to stop. Even my mother says so. I want to try and work things out with Ajay and would much prefer it while he’s legally bound to me. I know how he thinks, and right now he considers us married. I can guarantee he’s not looking at another woman, speaking to another female or even entertaining the idea of being with someone else. I’d say that’s not how he was raised, but in a sense it was. He grew up knowing what a shit bag his father was and always vowed to be different.
Evelyn comes into my room and sighs dramatically. Call me evil, but over the last few weeks I’ve played Sinful Distraction’s album continuously. She knows the words to most of the songs and I plan to have her sing to Ajay… if he ever comes back.
“What’s wrong with you?” I ask her as she lays across my bed with another sigh.
“Today is the last day of school.”
“You should be happy. It’s summer vacation. We’re going to do lots of fun things.”
“Like what?”
“Go to the beach. Read books. Practice math. Hang out at the park. Spend time with Dhara and Fletcher.”
Evelyn picks her head up, turns to look at me and flops it back down dramatically. “I like all those things except the reading and math part.”
“Oh? Okay.” I pretend that my feelings are hurt.
“Ugh, fine. I can read a book, but no math.”
I jut my lower lip out and make a whimpering sound.
“You are a hard bargain.”
“You drive a hard bargain,” I correct her. There are times when I wish I could go back to when she was learning to speak and do the baby talk thing with her. I was so hell bent on her being a smarter person than I am that I didn’t encourage it. I’d correct her and we’d work on saying words correctly. Hindsight is a bitch.
“Are you going to finish getting ready for school?”
She comes over to me, dragging her feet behind her. “I’m sad.”
“Why?” I bring her to my lap, and she rests her head on my shoulder.
“Because I won’t see my friends during summer.”
“Of course you will, silly girl. Most of your friends will be around here, you’ll see them all the time.”
Evelyn picks up her head and looks at me. With her hand in the air, her face deadpans. “Not with all the math I have to do.”
“Oh geez, Evelyn. Now you’re just being silly. Go finish getting ready. Mommy has to meet Auntie Dhara for breakfast.” I set her down on the ground.
“Can I go?”
“School, Evelyn Jameson Foster. You have school.”
She crosses her arms and huffs. “I’m telling Grandma you three named me. She’s going to be so mad at you.”
As soon as she’s out of ear shot, I let out a laugh. Tattling on me to my parents has become her favorite thing to do. “Mommy didn’t give me bacon, didn’t buy the right toothpaste, gave me a turkey sandwich when I asked for ham”… the list goes on and on, and each day my mother asks why I’m making my daughter’s life so hard. Of course, Mom knows her little princess is just being a dramatic almost six-year-old.
After I drop Evelyn off at school, which consisted of me walking her in and helping her hang her backpack, I’m finally pulling into a small diner outside of Prineville. It’s an old soda fountain with a white and black checkered floor and red vinyl seats. Dhara waves to me from the booth she’s secured for us.
“Sorry, I’m late. Evelyn didn’t want to go to school.”
“Can you blame her? The last day of school is the worst. You know it’s over once the bell rings, but the bell takes forever to get to that point. Then you say goodbye to your friends, and there’s always one that doesn’t come back because they move. School is torture,” she says. She eyes me over the top of her mug as I give her my best “what the hell are you talking about” look.
“Did you have a conversation with her this morning or something? It’s like the two of you are in cahoots to give me a headache.”
“Nah, I would never.” Except she would and often has. Still I love her like family. We spend the next few minutes looking over the menu and place our order when the waitress stops by to check on us.
“So, how is he?”
“Logan? He’s okay. He can’t tell me where he is, but he says he’s safe.”
Dhara leans toward me. “You know damn well I’m not talking about Logan, Jamie. How is he ?”
I sigh but before I can say anything the waitress is back with a cup of coffee for me. I wrap my hands around the base even though I’m not cold, the hot ceramic gives my mind something else to think about other than Ajay.
“What’s going on?”
“Don’t know. His texts are vague when he responds. Calls are cut short because he always seems to call right before he’s going on stage, going to bed or about to eat.”
“And you’re letting him get away with this?”
I glance at her to see her smirking. “As if I control him.”
“You do, you just have to assert yourself, Jamie.”
“I’m trying, Dhara. It’s hard. Like he said, he has this whole other life, and that life is crazy busy. He lives on a tour bus, at least for another few weeks, and he’s pretty much controlled by his manager. When we do talk, things seem good between us. He doesn’t really ask about Evelyn and if he hears her calling for me, he suddenly has to go.”
“Do you think he doesn’t want kids?”
I shake my head. “No, I think he’s afraid that he’s taking time away from her. He never had parents that gave a shit and I think this is his way of showing that he does. I don’t know. It’s frustrating. He’s frustrating,” I sigh heavily. “I do know one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m falling hard for him.”
“Well you were already there. You just buried your feelings.”
The waitress comes back with our breakfast: An omelet for Dhara and pancakes with fruit topping for me.
“The other day, I caught myself when I was filling out a form for work. I checked married instead of single and it felt good to do that.”
“You know,” she says in between bites, “I wonder what kind of tax implications there are. You’ve both been filing as single.”
“I hope for my sake, none. Although I should probably ask Fletcher about it, see if he can refer me to someone he trusts. There’s no way I can pay back the earned income credits I’ve received since Evelyn was born. Honestly, I hope no one figures it out.”
“That would be best,” she says in agreement. “So, back to Ajay. What do you want from him?”
I finish taking a bite and washing it down with my coffee. “I want a chance. I want a chance to see if we can function as husband and wife.”
“You just want to get laid,” she blurts out loud enough for others to hear.
I do everything I can to fight back my smile, but to no avail. “Believe me the thought has crossed my mind many times. He’s just so…”
“Yummy? Hot? Delicious? Tantalizing? Sexy AF.”
“Okay, first, it sounds like you want to eat Ajay, and second, yes to all those and so many more. His tattoos alone, I want to spend time getting to know each one. He does a good job hiding them from me.”
“Fletch thinks one of them is your name.”
“Doubt it.” Although, how sexy would that be? “I’m sure he has done everything he can to forget about me over the years.”
“Text him and ask,” Dhara dares me. To prove that she’s wrong, I do it.
Do you have my name tattooed on your body ?
He responds before I can even put my phone down.
Well good morning to you too ;)
“He ignored my question.” I show Dhara my phone but the expression on her face speaks volumes.
“You may want to look at the photo he sent.”
Pulling my phone back, I double click the smaller image to make it bigger. Sure enough, “Whiskey” is inked into his arm. Also visible in the picture is the date I miscarried our angel.
“Jamie, what the hell are you doing here?”
“Um… eating breakfast?” I slip my phone into my pocket, unsure of how to respond to him.
“Girl, you’re so damn lucky. I wish I had a man who tattooed my name on his body.”
I scoff at her. “You have Fletcher, and while he may not be the type to get a tattoo, he’s madly in love with you. You’re just too blind to see it.”
Dhara shakes her head. “I’m not blind, Jamie. I see him. I see every part of him but am afraid of ruining our friendship. He’s been my friend for so long… what if we try and fail? I lose my best friend, and nothing is worth that.”
“Not even a chance at love?” I ask her. “I could give up on Ajay, knowing full well that he’s my soul mate, out of fear that we won’t work because we’ve been apart for too long or because of his job, but then where does that leave me? It leaves me searching for a love that may or may not come. Ajay and I can be together and the ticket is Evelyn.”
“What?” she asks. “You going to use your daughter to trap him?”
I laugh. It sort of feels that way, but no. “Absolutely not. Right now, he’s worried about her getting attached if we don’t make it. I’m not. I think once Ajay is part of our lives, those lingering feelings will disappear. He doesn’t want Evelyn hurt in any of this. He still remembers his mom choosing a man over him — the wound is fresh, and it’s not what he wants for Evelyn. He wants her to choose him.”
“So, what’s your plan?”
“That’s just it, Dhara. I don’t have one. I know Ajay is getting a few days off coming up, but he says he’ll be in Los Angeles doing some press tour things so coming here isn’t possible and there’s no way I can go out there.”
“Why not?”
“Money. I looked up flights and I can’t swing two tickets. I thought about asking my parents, but my father isn’t keen on me taking Evelyn to see Ajay, so I’ll have to wait for him to come here.”
“Have you withdrawn your petition for the divorce yet?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, I haven’t.”