14. Ben
ben
. . .
W hen I wake, the quietness in my room is unnerving. Where is everyone? And why does my head hurt? I want to rub my temple but my arm hurts. I adjust slightly and find a tube coming out of my bicep. That’s right, I forgot they were going to insert a catheter to make my chemo sessions easier. It’s a nice reminder of why I’m here.
Cancer.
I turn my head slightly and see Elle sitting in what looks like an extremely uncomfortable chair, with her eyes closed. I study her for a minute as the sunlight pours into the room and shines on her. She’s always been my beacon of light, even when I don’t want her to be. She could’ve given up so easily, and maybe she would’ve if I didn’t have cancer.
In an attempt to clear my throat quietly, I end up waking her. Within seconds, she’s at my side, peppering me with questions. Do I need the nurse? Does anything hurt? How do I feel? Elle runs her hand over my hair and smiles at me.
“The doctor said everything went really well.”
“Do I still have my balls?”
“Always the jokester,” she says. Elle doesn’t need to answer my question because I already know the answer. They’re gone because they’re trying to kill me. “Your scar is pretty small. Not sure it can even be considered a scar.”
“So, nothing like Peyton’s?”
Elle shakes her head. “Nope, she still beats us all with the gnarly scars.” I know Elle’s joking. We all hate Peyton’s scars, but she’s embraced them. I suppose you have to when you’ve been through what she has.
“Damn, I bet she’s going to be pissed.”
“No doubt,” Elle says. “She’s here, along with Noah and Quinn, and your friend John. They’re in the waiting room. They’ve been here the entire time.”
“What time is it?”
“A little after seven.”
“Damn, I missed dinner. I was really hoping for some of that green Jell-O.”
Elle laughs and runs her hand through my hair again. This time her fingers linger on my cheek until she leans in. I expect her to kiss me, to take advantage of my vulnerable state because she knows I won’t tell her no, but she rests her head on my chest instead.
“As much as I want to monopolize your time, it’d be unfair of me. Your mom and Brad want to see you. Are you ready for visitors?”
It takes me a minute to nod. I don’t really want to see anyone. What I want to do is rollover onto my side and ignore the world—including Elle. Not that she’d let me though. I have a feeling she’s going to be up in my face no matter what. She isn’t going to take no for an answer, no matter what I say to her.
She leaves the room, and the nurse comes in, followed by the urologist and oncologist. The doctors go over the next steps in my recovery, although it’s not really recovery since I’m going to start chemo and will suffer the side effects. But the good news is, the doctor says they got the entire tumor. I sort of feel like that’s his job and if he didn’t get the entire thing, he shouldn’t be a surgeon. Instead of saying what’s on my mind though, I thank him and turn my head to look out the window. I don’t want to talk to them anymore. They don’t get it, despite them saying “I know what you’re going through” or “I know how you feel.” Do they really though? Have they been through this or are they just saying what they’re taught in medical school?
Empathy sucks.
So does sympathy.
The door to my room opens and the smell of my mother’s perfume takes over my senses. I close my eyes and feel her climb onto my bed. I wince when she jostles me, and she instantly starts crying.
“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry.”
For what ?
“How are you feeling?” Brad asks.
I shrug. I’m pretty drugged up at the moment so the only feelings I have are the thoughts in my brain projecting to my emotions. I’m fucking pissed, and angry, but I don’t tell him this. If I were him, I’d start feeling my balls on a daily basis. I know they say cancer isn’t hereditary, but what do they know?
Mom insists on sitting on my bed, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me. “I’m so happy to see you awake.”
“Me too,” I say because let’s be honest, it would suck not to wake up from this.
“I had a chat with Elle while you were in surgery. You really need to create a will, honey.”
I close my eyes so she can’t see how disgusted I am by her comment. This is not the time, nor place.
“It’s unfair that she’d get your portion of your house if something were to happen to you.”
“She gets my sperm too,” I snap, and her eyes widen. “And she can do whatever she wants with it.”
“Benjamin.”
“I’m tired.” I close my eyes without waiting to see her leave. Except she doesn’t. She gets off my bed and turns the television on. Mom channel surfs until she finds Wheel of Fortune. Brad and her start trying to answer the puzzles, while I lie there, trying to heal. What in the fuck is wrong with them? Is this what they consider visiting?
I cough, in a weak attempt to get their attention. When neither of them looks at me, I press the call button for the nurse. Right now, I wish I had to stay in ICU or something where they limit my visitors to one. But nope, general population it is for me.
“What do you need, Ben?” the nurse asks as she comes in. She goes right to my machines, making sure everything is okay. I let my eyes do all the talking and dart them back and forth between her and my family. She nods and tells them she needs to check out my incision and they need to leave the room for a bit.
Brad squeezes my foot when he walks by my bed, but mom peppers me with kisses, telling me how much she loves me. Sometimes I think it’s a phrase she says because society tells her it’s the right thing to do. I’m not sure she loves anyone except herself. And maybe Brad. She was at least married to his father, while mine just used her—according to her.
“Thank you,” I say to the nurse after my family leaves.
“You’re welcome. You’re our priority, Ben. Anything you need, we’re here.”
“I appreciate it.”
“You do have a waiting room of people though. Your friends are really giving us nurses all the feels.”
I chuckle. I can’t imagine who she’s referring to. “Oh yeah?”
“It seems you’re friends with some pretty famous people.”
“Ah, yes. I’m a lucky guy.”
She rests her hand on my shoulder and laughs. “Or they’re lucky to have you.”
Elle returns and she has a shit-eating grin on her face. “What did you do?” I ask, knowing full well she’s done something. I love her, but she’s evil sometimes.
“I sent everyone home.,” she tells me. “I figured you’d want some time to rest, and the doctor says you’re going to be groggy for a bit. I didn’t want you to agree to anything without being fully aware of what you’re saying.”
She is kind. She is beautiful. But damn, she breaks my heart. “Thank you. Does this mean you’re leaving as well?” I don’t know how I feel about my question. I want her to stay, but I also don’t. Knowing she’s here, but not fully here hurts.
“I was planning to sleep in the chair over there. Unless you’d like me to leave. You need your rest, but I know I’m causing you stress right now. It’s your choice.”
It’s not going to matter what I choose. I’ll be wrong. I don’t want her to go, but I don’t want her to stay. I’d love to have things both ways, but I can’t.
I nod and say, “You can stay, but under one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, actually two conditions. No, make that three. I need some Jell-O, preferably green. I also want some real food, so maybe some In-N-Out, and you sleep next to me. I know the bed is small, but I sleep better when you’re near me.”
“Okay,” she says as she sits on the edge of my bed. “I agree to all those conditions.”
“Perfect.”
“Before I go get dinner and hunt down the Jell-O can we talk about your treatment?”
I shrug, knowing this won’t go well.
“I’ve done some research, and while your oncologist is good, he’s not the best.”
“He’s covered by my insurance,” I tell her. “And I like him.”
“I get it, and I’m not trying to be pushy, but you deserve to have the best treatment possible and if insurance is in the way, I fear you won’t get it.”
“I’ll be fine, Elle.”
Her face falls. I know she wants to be in charge, bark orders, and tell everyone what to do, but this is my battle, and mine alone. I’ll take her support, but that’s it. I let her convince me on the whole sperm thing, but on treatment, I’m standing firm.
“Okay, Ben.” She leans forward and kisses my cheek. “I’ll be back. Text me if you think of anything else you need. Love you.” She’s off my bed and out the door before I can get a response out of my mouth.
The next morning, right after breakfast, there’s a knock on the door. “Are you decent?” Quinn’s voice rings out. “It’s Quinn and Noah.”
“Come in,” I tell them as I sit up to somewhat greet them. I realize this is the first time I’ve seen Noah since last year. During that time, he’s won the Super Bowl, and because I’m stubborn I missed it.
“Noah, I owe you an apology.”
“For what?” he asks.
“For not being there. Holy shit, man. You won the Super Bowl.”
He smiles coyly and shakes his head. “My team won. I just threw or passed the ball to some really great players.”
“Still. I should’ve been there.”
“Yep, because it won’t happen again,” Quinn jokes as he slaps Noah’s shoulder. The guys pull up two chairs and sit down. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m better. Yesterday was a bit rough, but the doctor says things are looking good. I should be able to go home the day after tomorrow.”
“That’s great news,” Noah says. “Everyone will be so excited.”
“Who’s out there now?” I ask, motioning toward the wall.
“No one yet,” Quinn says. “Elle said she’s going to shower and come back. Dad is stopping by later. I believe your mom and Brad are at the house. Mom will be by later. Nola has class this morning and then she’s taking Oliver for a bit.”
I’m not surprised my family isn’t here. They don’t do hospitals well, not that anyone does. I look from Noah to Quinn and sense something’s up. “Damn, you guys look like you’re about to bust my happiness bubble.”
“Nah,” Noah says, shaking his head. “We’re just here to visit and see how you’re doing.”
“Liars. Spill, what did Elle say to you?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” Noah says again, this time his voice is a little high-pitched.
“Except we know this isn’t true,” I tell them. “Let’s hear it. I know Elle’s mad at me because I won’t let her pay for my treatment, so what did she say?”
Quinn clears his throat. “I feel like I need to defend my sister,” he starts. “So many people think we’ve had this easy life when it’s not true. The three of us suffer from abandonment issues, even if it doesn’t seem like it. It’s always in the back of our minds, and sometimes we block our emotions without knowing. Couple this with us growing up the way we did, seeing how hard our dad and uncles work; the three of us forget what should come first, love or work, and sometimes the line is so blurred, we mix them up.”
I think I understand what Quinn’s saying, but I’m not sure I do.
“Elle loves hard whether it’s work or family or you,” Noah adds. “She’s always been the one to shoulder everything. She gets that from Katelyn after witnessing how she had to be when Mason died. Elle’s strong, determined, and like Quinn says her lines between work and love get blurred. But that doesn’t mean you’re not her priority.”
I sigh. “I’m not surprised she’s talking about this.”
“Nonstop. She’s afraid you’re going to push her away, which she knows she deserves, but my sister loves you, Ben. I know it may not seem like it, but she does.”
“I feel like I love her more than she loves me.”
“That’s because it took her years to figure it out,” Noah says. “Take it from me, loving someone who doesn’t—or can’t—love you back right away is the worst feeling ever. I feel like Peyton and I lost years because of our age difference.”
“Five years isn’t a lot,” I say to him.
“It’s not once the younger one reaches eighteen, but until then, it’s bad. Loving Peyton has been one of the hardest and easiest things I have ever done in my life. Deep down I think this is how you see Elle. It’s easy to love her, but it’s work.”
“Like a full-time job,” I say, jokingly.
“It’s pride,” Quinn says. “Sometimes it gets in the way. We want to see ourselves as normal, but we’re not. We have busy lives, and the first thing to take a backseat to work is our love lives. Ask Nola. Our relationship looks easy, but that’s because she works her schedule around mine. It’s unfair of me to ask her to do that, but she does it, and I’m thankful. But someday, she’s going to want me to do the same, and it’ll be a challenge. But I love her, so I’ll do whatever I must to keep her happy, and in turn, she does what she can to keep me happy. Our relationship is a work in progress.”
“At least your women aren’t bossing you around and telling you that you suck at your job,” Noah says with a shake of his head. “Imagine walking into your wife’s gorgeous office only to sit and have her tell you where you need to fix your game.”
Quinn and I laugh. Noah has a point. He probably has it worse than any of us. Elle was my boss, but she never told me I was wrong about anything I did. We worked well as a team, and I let something as stupid as a date get in the way.
There’s a knock on the door and Harrison peaks his head in. “Hey guys.”
“Wow, the red carpet has been rolled out for me,” I say as Harrison greets me with a hug. “Liam and JD here as well?”
“Oh God no,” Harrison says. “JD and nurses are never a good idea.” Harrison shakes his head. “And Liam’s in Las Vegas covering for me right now. I told Elle I’d take her new band on tour for her.” He doesn’t add while she babysits me, not that he would.
Quinn and Noah excuse themselves, and Harrison sits down. “Does the staff know you’re eating greasy burgers?” He motions toward the garbage can where Elle hasn’t hid the evidence well.
“The hospital food sucks. I don’t know how they expect people to get better on crap food. This morning my eggs were so hard I could’ve given myself a concussion with them.”
“Well, it’s a good thing Elle’s got you covered. How are you doing? Katelyn and I are really sorry you’re going through this and want you to know, the doors open. It’s always open, Ben. Regardless of what’s going on between you and Elle. We consider you to be a part of our family.”
“Thank you, that means a lot.”
“Honestly, I’m a bit saddened as to why you didn’t come to us.”
I shrug. “You’re Elle’s parents. Not mine. I don’t want her to think I’m using her.”
“Son, you’ve been hanging around our house from the moment you moved to Beaumont. Not once has it ever crossed our minds that you might be using Elle or Quinn. You are one of the most genuine men I have ever met, and you never gave me a reason to question you nor your integrity. Not then, and definitely not now.”
Harrison’s words stab me right in the heart. A couple tears fall before I wipe them away. To me, he’s always been the father I never had, and I’ve always looked up to him.
“I broke up with her.” My voice cracks. “At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do because I want to get married, and she wants to wait until everyone’s schedules are clear. I feel like she pushed my needs aside and when I asked her to elope, she got mad at me because she wants you to walk her down the aisle, which I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I understand.”
“I get it,” Harrison says. “You see things differently than she does. She was raised by a calendar, everything we did and continue to do, depends on others and when events are booked years in advance, asking for a change is hard. I think we could’ve worked something out, but she’s never asked before. It’s always been a ‘put it on the calendar and if I can be there, I’ll be there’ type of thing. While the kids were growing up, I missed my fair share of events, but the one thing I will not miss is their weddings and the birth of my grandchildren. Elle knows this, and I think in the back of her mind, she feels she needs to wait until the tours are over. She’s trying to juggle being a manager, a daughter, and a fiancée. But her most important job has always been as your friend. You’ve been friends longer than you’ve been a couple. You know she has a good heart and would never do anything to hurt you.”
“Deep down, I think I know this. I’m just mad.”
“At her?”
I nod. “And the world.”
“It’s not fair to compare her to the world. She’s only one person.”
“I know. I’m also jealous. She spends so much time with the bands.”
“And up until Christmas, I thought you were as well. Working together, especially in this business, it’s the best thing for couples. You’re together. You’re bonding and building, both personally and professionally. Why’d you quit?”
I shrug. “I was mad at her for choosing Christmas over me. I regretted it instantly but asking her for my job back seemed like a bad idea. Nothing would’ve been fixed between us, and I have a hard time seeing her and not being with her.”
Harrison chuckles. “I get it. I was there once with Katelyn.”
It hits me in this moment that I haven’t met Oliver yet. “Congratulations, by the way,” I tell him. “Can you let Mrs. KPJ know that it’s pretty awesome you guys are trying to adopt Oliver. I hope to meet him soon.”
Harrison smiles. “I’ll let her know. I’ll be honest, I thought I was done with kids until one of them decides to bless us with grandbabies, but having this little guy around makes me realize how much I’ve missed having a baby around.”
“I’m sure Peyton and Noah are trying to make you and Liam grandpas.”
Harrison bends over with laughter. “Liam will lose his mind. He’s forever young. Look, I didn’t come here to talk about Elle or make excuses for her. I came to see you and to let you know, you’re not alone. This isn’t a fight you’re going to manage by yourself. I’m here. Katelyn’s here. We’re a family and we stick together. Katelyn fully expects your treatment schedule so she can sit with you while you get your chemo. She already started making a list of things you’re going to do together while you’re sitting there. I should warn you though, she’s dabbling in screenplay writing and I fear you might be her next victim.” Harrison cringes. “I mean her next test subject.” He laughs.
After our laughter dies down, I look at Harrison and say, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For showing me how to see things differently, especially when it comes to Elle. I sometimes forget not everything is black and white with her, and need a reminder,” I pause and take a deep breath. “Especially before it’s too late.”