Chapter 1
one
. . .
T his sleeping on the couch shit is for the birds. My back aches. I sit up and place my bare feet on the cold floor. A shiver runs through me, causing another ache and I cringe as my back tightens. Yet here I am night after night.
I head into the bathroom, which is down the hall from what used to be my bedroom, to shower and get ready for work. Yesterday when I checked my appointments, they were staggered. Nothing back-to-back or overlapping. I really hate it when appointments overlap. It never fails, the new mom will come in with a million and one questions about her child because she saw something on TV, or her friend read about some rare disease, and she’s certain her child has it now.
When I get out of the shower Aubrey’s in the kitchen talking on the phone. She quiets when she hears me and probably waits until I close the bedroom door before she starts up again. I have no idea who she talks to this early in the morning but if I had to guess it’s likely her mother. After I dress, I go wake Mack and Amelie for school and then take my chance in the kitchen.
“Morning.”
She says nothing.
Sighing heavily, I open the refrigerator and grab what I need to make breakfast. “Do you want breakfast?”
“No.”
At least she answered me. I know I’m putting off the inevitable, asking her what’s wrong, but it’s because I don’t want to hear how I’ve failed as a husband. Everything I do is wrong. I didn’t buy the right bread. I didn’t park the car straight. She was late to yoga because I didn’t come home five minutes earlier. The list of trivial shit goes on and on.
When the kids come into the kitchen, Aubrey brightens and pastes on a happy face. Or maybe she’s truly happy to see them and just hates me. Mack and Amelie sit at the table and wait for breakfast. Mack’s texting one of his friends and Amelie’s tattling.
“That’s enough,” I say, only for Aubrey to shoot daggers at me.
“Don’t talk to her like that.”
“She doesn’t need to tattle on Mack for having his phone out at the table. There isn’t any goddamn food there yet.”
That’s one of Aubrey’s rules, no phones at the table. Which means I have to keep my phone in the other room with the ringer on when I’m on call because, you know, ignoring patients goes against a doctor’s oath and all that.
Mack comes around the island and helps plate their food. He takes the two plates to the table and sets one down in front of Amelie. I use the quick break to look at my schedule to verify what I already know. No patients until ten. I shoot a text off to my staff and tell them I’ll be in later this morning. The kids eat in silence while I stand on the other side of Aubrey, waiting for her to say something.
Minutes later, Mack says, “Mrs. Westbury is outside. Bye.” He rushes to the door while Amelie gives Aubrey and me a hug goodbye.
“Have a good day.”
“Aren’t you leaving?” she asks.
I shake my head slowly. “Nope. We’re going to talk.”
“I have nothing to say, Nick.”
“Bullshit. You have plenty to say but you keep shit bottled up. Let’s have it, Aubrey. What did I do this time?”
She scoffs. “At least you know you’re guilty.”
“Of what?” I throw my hands up. “What did I do? Or didn’t do?”
“Nothing. You’re perfect.” The sarcasm coming from her is deadly.
I shake my head. “We both know that’s not true. I can’t force it out of you, but we can’t keep living like this. We need to talk about what’s going on.”
Her eyes are life fire as she stares at me. “Fine. You want to know?”
“I do. Lay it on me.” For emphasis and because I can be an asshole, I spread my arms out wide.
“I know you’re having an affair with Brianna and Josie.”
Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. My arms fall. Brianna is one of my new nurses, not two years out of school. She’s definitely pretty, but in a long-term relationship with someone she went to college with. Earlier I was in love with Josie and now I’m having an affair with her. I can’t fucking win.
Regardless, having an office affair isn’t something I’d ever do. I pride myself on having morals and integrity.
“What?”
“You heard me,” she says. “The late night calls. The not coming home after work. I followed her once.”
“Why would you do that?”
“To catch you in the act.”
I scrub my hand over my face. “Aubrey, I’m not having an affair with Brianna or anyone else. I have never been unfaithful to you.”
Another scoff. “You’re in love with Josie Westbury.”
“Good God. I am not. I was over her when I met you.”
“I’ll never believe you. I see the way you look at her.”
“No, you see what you want to see. We’re cordial because of Noah and Mack. Nothing more.”
“Don’t you think it’s funny that Mack’s so close to Noah, but Noah’s not close to Amelie?”
“Up until recently, you were close with Noah. And Paige. Hell, the entire family and now the bond Mack and Noah have is an issue?”
Aubrey says nothing.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. “Noah and Mack have a lot in common, Aubrey. You know this. That’s it. There’s nothing going on. I’m not having an affair with anyone. Is that what this is about?”
“Is what about?”
I know Aubrey isn’t stupid, but she’s acting like she is. “Seriously? You don’t talk to me for months. You barely look at me. We haven’t?—”
“Don’t you dare talk about sex with me, Nick. You don’t even sleep in the same room as me.”
“And why is that, Aubrey?”
I wait.
“Because you’ve rebuffed me for over a year. There comes a point when a man’s pride is hurt. No matter what I did, you pushed me away.” I groan and pace the kitchen. I love this woman but damn it if she doesn’t drive me batty.
“I think we should move.”
“What?”
Aubrey nods. “I think we should move.”
“Did you find a house you want to buy or something?”
She shakes her head. “No, Doctors Without Borders needs help. I mean, they always need help. I want to move back to South Africa.”
“No,” I blurt out right away. It’s no different than when Josie and I had the same conversation all those years ago and she said the same thing.
“Excuse me? You can’t tell me no.”
“You’re right. I can’t because you’re free to do whatever the hell you want, as long as it doesn’t mess up this family. There’s no way in hell we’re moving out of Beaumont. Mack’s in high school. He has a lot going for him right now. Why would you want to mess that up for him?”
“What about me?” she screams. “What about what I want?”
“What the hell do you want, Aubrey? Tell me. Do you want your husband?”
“No,” she says quietly.
It takes me a minute, but the words sink in.
“You don’t want me?”
My wife shakes her head slowly. “I hate it here. I’m bored. This small-town life, it might be good for you, being the town doctor that all the women fawn over, but I hate it. I never agreed to live here.”
“You did, when we got married,” I point out. “You encouraged me to return here and maintain a relationship with Noah.”
“Well, I was wrong. And I’m done.”
“You’re done? What does that even mean?”
Aubrey can’t look me in the eyes. I bend and lean forward, giving her no choice. I reach out to touch her and she moves away.
“Really, Aubrey?”
“I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I’ve said the same thing to you,” I point out. “Apparently, the life you’ve lived for the last eighteen years isn’t what you’ve wanted this entire time. And yet, after two kids, you’ve failed to mention this. Today alone, you’ve accused me of having an affair with one of my nurses and being in love with Josie, who I’d like to point out is your friend.”
“She’s only my friend because of you.”
“Okay? That doesn’t make her less of a friend, Aubrey. Do you mean to tell me all those shopping trips you’ve gone on with her, you did so to appease me? Because I never asked you to be friends with Josie. Or anyone else in town. I never asked you to join the PTA, to volunteer us to run the school carnival, girl scout troop, and whatever else the kids have done over the years. You did that and it certainly wasn’t to appease me.”
I pull out one of the dining room chairs, hoping she’ll do the same. When she doesn’t, I ask, “Can we please sit and talk?”
She shakes her head, but eventually sits down. Instantly, she covers her face. I’d like to think she’s crying, but she’s not.
“Aside from moving to South Africa, what can I do to get you through this funk?”
“Nothing,” she says automatically.
“Not a thing, huh? Just going to destroy our family?”
“I’m not happy, Nick.”
“All right, so let me fix it. Let’s find a happy medium that gets us through the next couple of years. We’ll go when Mack graduates.”
“That’s too long.”
“It’s two years, Aubrey. We’re not taking him out of school and ruining his chances at getting a scholarship.”
“He doesn’t need to play sports, Nick. There are so many other life lessons to learn out there. Not everything revolves around football and baseball.”
“When you’re his age, it does.”
“If you love me, you’ll do this.”
I shake my head as anger boils. “Don’t do that, Aubrey. That’s unfair.”
“It’s what I want.”
“Two years,” I tell her. “Give us two more years and we’ll go. I’ll sell the practice, the house, and we’ll take Amelie and go.”
Aubrey sits for a moment, staring at everything but me. She won’t make eye contact and it bothers me. There’s something else going on in her head and she’s not letting me in. Not that I blame her. This is the most we’ve talked in months.
Again, I reach for her hand, but she draws it back. “We’re not magically fixed because we’re talking.”
“No, of course not.”
“And I’m not convinced you’re not cheating on me.”
I groan. “I’m not having an affair.”
“Then where are you getting sex from? Because it’s not from me.”
I hold up my hand, mostly to piss her off. “Where are you getting sex from?” Her mouth drops open and then closes. “Is that what’s going on here? You don’t want me, so who do you want?”
“No one.”
It’s my turn to scoff and I do so loudly. “Now who’s not being honest, Aubrey?”
She says nothing.
“What’s his name? Does he come here after I leave for work? Is that why you asked me why I wasn’t leaving this morning?”
She still says nothing, but I can see the guilt—or something—all over her face.
“What’s his fucking name, Aubrey?”
Without thinking, I push away from the table and the bowl of fruit goes flying, crashing onto the floor. Glass shatters and spreads across the hardwood.
“Look at what you did.”
“It was an accident.” I head toward the closet to get the broom. When I come back, she’s sobbing. I say nothing to her as I clean up the mess and ignore the crocodile tears. “I’m going to ask you again, Aubrey. What do you want?”
Another sob.
“Are you crying because I broke the bowl or because you’re projecting your guilt onto me with this affair bullshit. I mean, I guess it makes sense. Up until the day you began turning away from my advances, we fucked like rabbits. Then boom, you have a headache. Do you still have a headache, or do you want to go fuck?” It’s crass. I know this, but anger does funny things to one’s thought process.
“You’re being a pig.”
“Yep.” I agree with her. “What do you want, Aubrey?”
“A divorce.”
Even as she says the word, I don’t want to believe her. But there it is. It’s the freedom she wants. I dump the glass and fruit into the garbage and walk down the hall to the closet. After putting the broom and dustpan away, I slam the door. Not once. Not twice. But three times. “Fuck!” I yell as I run my hands roughly through my hair, tugging at the ends. Going back into the kitchen, she still sits there, staring at who knows what.
“Is that what you want, Aubrey? Do you really want a divorce?”
She nods.
I nod as well but she’s not looking at me. “You can have it, but you’re not taking the kids. I won’t allow it.”
“I’m their mother,” she roars and spins in the chair to face me.
“And I’m their father,” I say, pointing at my chest. “You’re not uprooting them to go back to a country they’ve never been to before so they can live in a yurt while you play nurse. Which, I’ll point out, you haven’t done in over ten years. You don’t even have a valid nursing license!” I scream the last bit as I head towards the front door.
“It’s in the works and will be valid by the time I get there.”
“You can have the divorce, but you’re not taking the kids. Merry fucking Christmas.” Those are the words I say as I head out the front door.